shepherdess's Blog
Author, Speaker, Coach, Internet entrepreneur. Primary expertise is in Mid Life Crisis/Transition and Depression, with a focus on empowerment in women and men in their relationships. A featured Expert at Fabulously 40 and Beyond, Noted moderator at Path Partners and Beauty Forever, contributor to AlphaWomen.com., Cafe Chronique & HomeBizSpace.
Posts: 1047
Member of: Lefora Support Forum.
This is one of the reasons why I devote time at this forum...it is really for the ladies...but the men need to understand why and how their wives have fallen in to MLC. It really is a process...a tangled mess that has to be slowly untangled or a bunch of baggage that must be unpacked, looked at, some things kept...others discarded.
Please know that your MLC/MLT is really not about your M/R...what is going on in your M/R is feeding your MLC...but it is not the cause...there are deeper and more important issues that you need to deal with here. Please reassess yourself before you reassess your marriage/relationship. An MLC is more about the person who is having it than about the people who surround them...these people only feed the MLC fire.
If you need space to re-evaluate, process and consider your situation and your H is open to this idea, would he be willing to let you have the time and space you need to do this? Some women move in to another room in the house and as a couple, they live as if they are separated...I call this 'In-house separation". This is the first thing you must try before either you or your H makes a move to leave the home, if you are considering this action. Historically, from all the other cases I've dealt with or coached, as soon as one or the other of the spouses physically moves out of the home...they have increased the difficulty factor of ever getting back together. Both parties tend to redefine their relationship with pre-divorce glasses on...they can give themselves permission to live as if they are single, even though still married. At this point, you must do everything in your power to protect the M/R, even if you aren't feeling like saving anything. This is most important if you have children of any age...children, of all ages, they know that something is up, but do not understand what it is all about ...they immediately think that they are the cause...if anyone leaves they see it as a betrayal...they feel like their safety net has been pulled out from under them. Most importantly, if there is an OM involved...your children will view your moving out as the ultimate betrayal...you left not only your H for another man...but you chose the OM over your own children. If and when they learn of this...the damage is great and very difficult to repair.
Please tell me how you are feeling at this moment...about yourself:
Can you point at any triggers that may have caused you to reassess your life: a death, an illness (you or family), loss of job, upcoming birthday, empty nest, aging parents, Husband's or your retirement or always working/traveling, financial stress, a recent move, birth, miscarriage, inability to have children, becoming a Grandparent?
Do you have a sense of "fight or flight"? Are you leaning more toward "flying" instead of fighting for the life you have? Do you have a "stop the world I want to get off" feeling? Do you feel this way all day long or does this feeling rise and fall?
Do you find yourself escaping in to the Internet, drinking, drugs, partying, gambling, shopping?
Do you feel confused, foggy, frustrated, and angry?
Do you cry a lot, feel unmotivated...sad?
Are you fearful? Do you feel lost and have a sense of hopelessness?
Do you have trouble sleeping or do you want to sleep all the time?
Do you take care of yourself on a consistent basis? Have you carved out time every day to do something only for yourself?
If you have children, what are feelings toward them lately? (Be honest: are you angry with them, not wanting to spend time with them, doing just enough...compare this to the way you have treated them in the past...do you see a change?)
In your M/R:
Do you do things together just for fun?
What do your conversations consist of; Children; House; Work?
Has your feelings toward your husband changed dramatically? Why?
Can you pinpoint when changes in your relationship occurred and why? (Do not focus on the things that he has said or done that are out of his control, I am talking about events or circumstances...birth of a baby, work issues, family issues, money issues)
How would you rate your health? Good...fair...bad...Why?
How is your sex life...frequently, sometimes, rarely, never? (Sorry, this is so personal, but it is important)
Where are you at, as far as menopause is concerned? Do you have significant hormonal shifts during the month?
The answers to these questions can hold the keys too many of the things that you are struggling with right now. When you answer these questions, we will better be able to see what you need to do or at least have a starting point. Many times women in MLC are so broken that they don't have the energy, the brains or even the heart to start working on the problem. So, we start at the very bottom and slowly work our way up...Baby Steps...Baby Steps! Slowly but surely they are able to meet the day with a renewed perspective and with many safe guards in place...they have done this rebuilding with little destruction to those who are around them...this is the ideal goal...but many women join us when they have already made bad decisions or acted on decisions that ended up being very destructive to their marriage and their families...we start from there then. You can repair things, if it hasn't gone too far....the things is many women act destructively...burning bridges as they go....now this makes their situation hopeless! This is what we are here for to help you avoid!
Please go through the questions and truly consider them...write down your answers if you must....it is an exactly exercise to get focus.
I hope this has helped. I hope to hear from you soon.
Shepherdess
- from the topic: Questions You NEED to Ask Yourself Before You DO Anything...
Re: in crisis
November 6, 2009 by shepherdess
Word for the weekend - MLB - DETACH!
You get it, I get it...your kids, extended family and her friends...gets it! It may be crazy to all who sees what it is and gets it...but until and not one minute before..if SHE doesn't' get it or sees the TRUTH....going over and over the truth of the matter is wasted emotion, time and energy.
Let Go!!!
"Letting Go"
* To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
* To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another.
* To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
* To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands
* To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
* To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
* To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
* To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
* To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
* To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
* To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
* To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
* To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
* To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
* To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
* To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more."
From LIVESTRONG.com
SHepherdess
Re: Shepherdess Appearing on She Speaks To Inspire Radio SHow
November 5, 2009 by shepherdess
The show is the second show; Focus on Fabulous....please take a listen to this weeks show also on Apathy... Dynamite information.
Re: Shepherdess Appearing on She Speaks To Inspire Radio SHow
November 5, 2009 by shepherdess
Struggling:
Here is another link to try.: She Speaks TO Inspire
Look for the player on top of the page , it is the second episode Focus on Fabulous. Click on that episode and it should start up.
I do not believe that there is a transcript of the show, I will ask Laurie.
Keep trying.
Shepherdess
Dr. Phil's: Divorce Survival Tips
November 5, 2009 by shepherdess
Experienced civil and family attorney Areva Martin offers her tips for how to protect yourself if you’re getting a divorce. Know your rights when it comes to spousal support, child support and marital assets — you’re not as powerless as you may feel.
- Divorce proceedings are like war in most cases. You need to be prepared for the battle.
- Before you even consider filing, consult with at least three attorneys in your area to find out upfront fees, etc. Seek good advice early on. Most cities have legal aid societies, and many lawyers offer free 30-minute consultations. Also, meet with your accountant to understand tax consequences and other issues related to valuation of property, retirement plans, stocks, etc.
- Consider the timing of your divorce. If your spouse is due a bonus or raise, wait until it is paid out before filing, to avoid any claim that its not marital property. If you have been in long-term marriage, stick it out to the 10-year mark. This will help you get more of your spouse’s social security. Once you decide to get a divorce, file first. There are some advantages in a divorce proceeding for the person who files first.
- Make yourself indispensible. Make sure your name is on all bank accounts, investment accounts, deeds of trust, utilities, etc. and that joint signatures are needed. This will prevent your spouse from raiding your bank accounts.
- Make copies of all documents (tax returns, bank statements, credit card bills, W-2 forms, mortgage statements, loan agreements, etc.)
- Track down the assets. You need to know where every penny is. This includes bank accounts, stocks, bonds, jewelry, etc. In a divorce, each spouse has to disclose all assets, but often individuals are less than forthcoming. Know what is out there as half, or some portion of it, is yours.
- Protect your credit. You will need your credit to start your new lifestyle. Don’t co-sign for your spouse.
- Stash some cash. You need to start saving your money well before you file. Your spouse probably already has money tucked away.
- Try to negotiate temporary support payments. If you and your spouse are able to talk, try to negotiate temporary alimony and child support payments that will tide you over until divorce is final.
- Separate your money. Take half of the money out of your accounts so that you will have some money to live on and so that your spouse won’t beat you to it.
- Dust off your resume. Even though you may be entitled to alimony, it’s discretionary, and it won’t last forever.
- Custody is decided by the courts when contested. It’s better to try to work something out before getting the courts involved. The courts have an obligation to determine who is in the best position to care for the children and what is in the best interest of the children. In most cases, assuming both parents are fit, the court will award joint custody, as law assumes children need both parents.
- Don’t put the kids in the middle. Keep your kids out of it. Don’t involve them in the decision to get a divorce or any of the particulars. It’s bad for the kids, and it makes you look bad in a custody battle.
- Don’t alienate your children from your spouse. Judges hate this, and it’s bad for the children.
- Child support is mandated by law — don’t worry. If your spouse has a job, and you have the kids, he or she will pay child support, and it can be garnished from his or her wages.
- Document any type of abuse.
- Decide who to confide in. During this planning stage, keep your discussions limited to one or two people you can trust and who you know won’t talk to your spouse.
- Don’t fall for the hype. Don’t let your spouse convince you that you will end up with nothing, or you will be kicked out of the house. Your spouse doesn’t make these decisions, the judge does. Half of everything your spouse owns belongs to you.
Areva Martin is the founding and managing partner of Martin & Martin, LLP.
Check out Dr. Phil's web site for more information and guidance on handling divorce and How the children are caught in the middle.
Re: Detaching - Mindset
November 5, 2009 by shepherdess
I will keep you in my prays...keep detaching and even when you fail...just start all over again...eventually you will be able to get through this...one Baby Step at a time! Please keep coming here and letting us know how you are doing.
Shepherdess
Re: Am I doing the right thing?
November 4, 2009 by shepherdess
worried1:
Please go to the More on Detaching thread where I posted some more from the LIVE STRONG web site...please take a look at Step 11 Letting Go.
Shepherdess
Re: Too many questions
November 4, 2009 by shepherdess
magdalene:
Please keep on posting and discussing...it helps to let it out...to hopefully get guidance, direction...encouragement...even prayer.
What exactly do you mean about your recent decision to awaken? Is this in relation to the essay I posted called "Awaken"?
Shepherdess
Re: More on Detaching
November 4, 2009 by shepherdess
An absolute MUST Read!!! PRINT this one out and read it over and over again until you get it!
Steps in Developing Detachment
Steps in Developing Detachment
Step 1: It is important to first identify those people, places and things in your life from which you would be best to develop emotional detachment in order to retain your personal, physical, emotional and spiritual health. To do this you need to review the following types of toxic relationships and identify in your journal if any of the people, places or things in your life fit any of the following 20 categories.
Types of Toxic Relationships
* You find it hard to let go of because it is addictive.
* The other is emotionally unavailable to you.
* Coercive, threatening, intimidating to you.
* Punitive or abusive to you.
* Non-productive and non-reinforcing for you.
* Smothering you.
* Other is overly dependent on you.
* You are overly dependent on the other.
* Other has the power to impact your feelings about yourself.
* Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer, rescuer or enabler.
* Relationship in which your obligation and loyalty won't allow you to let go.
* Other appears helpless, lost and out of control.
* Other is self-destructive or suicidal.
* Other has an addictive disease.
* Relationship in which you are being manipulated and conned.
* When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing your letting go and detaching.
* Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the other will come around and change to be what you want.
* Relationship in which you and the other are competitive for control.
* Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another.
* Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored.
Step 2: Once you have identified the persons, places and things you have a toxic relationship with, then you need to take each one individually and work through the following steps.
Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.
Step 4: Identify all of the reasons why you are being hurt and your physical, emotional and spiritual health is being threatened by the relationship.
Step 5: Accept and admit to yourself that the other person, place or thing is "sick," dysfunctional or irrational, and that no matter what you say, do or demand you will not be able to control or change this reality. Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you. All others are the unchangeables in your life. Change your expectations that things will be better than what they really are. Hand these people, places or things over to your Higher Power and let go of the need to change them.
Step 6: Work out reasons why there is no need to feel guilt over letting go and being emotionally detached from this relationship and free yourself from guilt as you let go of the emotional "hooks" in the relationship.
Step 7: Affirm yourself as being a person who "deserves" healthy, wholesome, health-engendering relationships in your life. You are a good person and deserve healthy relationships, at home, work and in the community.
Step 8: Gain support for yourself as you begin to let go of your emotional enmeshment with these relationships.
Step 9: Continue to call upon your Higher Power for the strength to continue to let go and detach.
Step 10: Continue to give no person, place or thing the power to affect or impact your feelings about yourself.
Step 11: Continue to detach and let go and work at self-recovery and self-healing as this poem implies.
"Letting Go"
* To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
* To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another.
* To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
* To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
* To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
* To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
* To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
* To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
* To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
* To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
* To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
* To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
* To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
* To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
* To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
* To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more.
Step 12: If you still have problems detaching, then return to Step 1 and begin all over again.
From the LIVESTRONG web site
Re: in crisis
November 4, 2009 by shepherdess
Okay....just making sure...You do see how even reading this thread the fact that you never mentioned the old friend was married and hubby was included in the invite would be construed as something different. You have mentioned other women who were your W's friends and they were divorced without names or knowing exactly to whom you are referring...some folks who are no privy to in depth information or those who can twist and turn info..could make what you wrote look and sound just like what I warned you against. It has happened...this is what I am making sure that you avoid. The above post clarifies this... just making sure your are staying on your toes...
Just doing my job...
Shepherdess
Re: Am I doing the right thing?
November 3, 2009 by shepherdess
I would at least question it...and not blow it it off...proof is what is needed.
Shepherdess
Re: in crisis
November 3, 2009 by shepherdess
MLB:
Detach...hit the ignore button on this one...they are acting like immature High School nut jobs and you are giving much too much time and emotion to this... let these idiots hang themselves on their own immature shenanigans. If you must react to this nonsense...find out from your lawyer what it would take or what a person needs to do to bring a harassment order or a restraining order against him to make him stop this annoying behavior. If you find anything out ...let this friend know what she can do...but don't have her over for any type of social gathering or "for a beer". Any socialization of any type with a female...old friend or not, could be used against you...Do you really think that they aren't waiting for you to mess up in this way? You betcha they are...Keep that Viking hat on straight my friend. Knowing that her old friend now gets it... is reassuring...but this doesn't mean you can now join forces.
Indeed it is getting worse...but you don't have to help it along by connecting with this old friend other than through e-mail or a phone call or two. Forgive me for seeing something that may not be there...but I have seen situations just like this grow in to something that turned very ugly. and it was totally innocent. Believe me!
Shepherdess
Re: Shocked - wife wants divorce and not go to therapy
November 3, 2009 by shepherdess
For added humor, The current book she is working through in her Bible study group is Lies Women Believe. I have read it. I don't know how she can look at herself in the mirror.-neverimagined
I am not so sure if this is so humorous as it is hypocritical or just downright pathetic. I have read this book also and if God's 2x4 isn't hitting her over the back of the head with GUSTO...then she is certainly wrestling the devil.
BTW More and more Christian women are suffering from crisis at mid-life...more so then women who express no belief system at all. Somewhere in the midst of getting equal rights we forgot that we were women and were told to act more like men...which left us stripped of our coping skills, ability to care for ourselves while caring for others...all of our sacrifices for children and family were and are devalued AND our husbands no longer can treat us like the ladies we were meant to be...so we begin to Believe the Lies that we are told...like: as a child of God and a believer we don't have to protect ourselves from Satan's attack...that wrestling with the devil is only for sinners and unbelievers. It is a crazy and tangled web that is woven.
Shepherdess
Re: Not sure what to do...
November 3, 2009 by shepherdess
I don't understand the two of you would spend a great weekend together getting to know each other and again ...and then she would go off to her mother's to cry. Even if she was alone at her mother's thinking and crying...she was also probably in contact with the OM in some way or another. This is the only explanation for the chilly reception after coming home and her return to the couch. She called, saw or contacted the OM in some way just enough to get a "FIX" and she was right back where she was before the no contact....just like a smoker or a drinker...drink or smoke just one and....BAM...the addiction is back in full force.
I have to agree with Basil...if either one of you makes the move to move out...it will be extremely hard to get things back. Giving her space within the home...letting her have her own room and area to go to to cry and think...a space that she can call her own is far better then having her move out completely or forcing you out (which is absolutely a no-no).
I can't remember...Are either of you in therapy? If not...before she makes any decisions she needs to get counseling or look in to mediated separation.
Shepherdess
Re: Shocked - wife wants divorce and not go to therapy
November 3, 2009 by shepherdess
I pray that your attorney's see people instead of dollar signs...Be prepared for the worst this coming weekend and pray for strength...as your kid's will be angry and in shock.
Let us know how things are going.
Shepherdess
Re: Am I doing the right thing?
November 3, 2009 by shepherdess
You did the right thing...SHE is the one who has to prove to you that she is true to her word...not the other way around. If she fights you at all or rebels against your taking this stance...this says volumes...you have been burned before...no need to get burned again. BUT if she does what you say...this speaks volumes also...
Let us know how it goes.
Shepherdess
Re: in crisis
November 2, 2009 by shepherdess
I hadn't remembered that the OM had left text and VM's to your daughter. I understand. A response was warranted.
Shep
Re: in crisis
November 2, 2009 by shepherdess
This is all so out of the blue...very high school...teenager-like don't you think? Something that you, your son or your wife's old friend needs to NOT/AVOID playing in to...Do Not lower yourself to their level by responding with e-mails or texts. Remain above the fray by not engaging in the immature banter of an OM who apparently has a stunted maturity level AND your Wife who has been whisked back to her high school days with this addictive relationship. There is no excuse for this immature behavior on either of their parts....you need no explanation for the actions...you know the who, what, where, why of all of this and IT IS a part of the teenage fantasy that they are living. Without knowing the context of the phone texting argument they had...I couldn't tell you if it is the end of the fantasy or not. The fact that your Wife is defending him and his actions tells me she is still entrenched....even if the relationship is swirling down the toilet...she is still risking relationships for him.
With these sorts of things...no engagement at all is best. Your Wife's friend should not have engaged in the OM's game...people like him love this kind of thing...they feed off of it. Don't you remember people like this when you were in High School? They are like the playground bully...taunting...and poking...prodding for a reaction...any kind of reaction.
The anger that your Wife is displaying is the anger/defensiveness that is building at the fact that no one is backing down AND that wrestling with the devil is getting more and more difficult...the TRUTH of it all keeps on smacking her in the face no matter how hard she tries to avoid it....and that PI$$e$ her off! If she admits she was wrong...it means that everyone else was right....she can't bear the idea of that...because it would mean that she had risked everything for nothing. It could be that she is losing her footing with the fantasy and she IS trying to hang on to it...but it may be that she is just mad at the fact that no one is backing down and seeing her side. I tend to lean on the later.
Though I am telling you to remain above the fray this doesn't mean you don't take note...as long as the OM's stupid actions remain outside of your inner family unit...there is no need to truly act on this until or when this enters in to your children's lives and affects it. If you must address stuff like this...speak to her directly about it...e-mails and texts are written and can be kept to use against you.
Tell your W's old friend to detach also...she has to or she will be pulled in to the under tow of the situation. I believe she has already realized this fact. It is a waste of her time and emotion at this point.
No response to this immature cr@p is better then feeding the OM's and her fire.
Shepherdess
Re: in crisis
October 31, 2009 by shepherdess
So, why did daughter give up Homecoming to go see Mary Poppin's? Homecoming is much more exciting for a 15 year old then seeing Mary Poppin's...PLUS she didn't ask her first...it was sprung on her. When things like this happen say to yourself...
NOTE to MLB: Keep eyes open for W who uses events and certain actions with daughter that are manipulation. If W buys tickets or makes plans for daughter without consulting daughter first, daughter is not obligated in any way shape or form to go to said event or take part in said plans. As always...Daughter has control...but if this continues , I need to address it.
Since your W knows that the Judge has told you to encourage your daughter to spend time with her...W is figuring out ways to create events and plans that you will have to encourage her to attend...if you don't she can point this out in court. Buying tickets for a play and then your daughter not attend with her could be brought back at your feet, even if you DID encourage her to go.
IMHO...Homecoming Weekend is very important to a teenager and it was wrong of your W to make her go to a play instead of attending HC. If your D went to the play not to disappoint her, she will eventually resent her for the manipulation. I bet she could have given or sold the tickets to someone else or even exchanged them for another time or date.
My major concern here is that she is using your Daughter to Manipulate you ans ultimately manipulates your D too.
The MLC continues to spin...even in small ways like this...
Shepherdess
Re: Just another Dorothy
October 30, 2009 by shepherdess
I just wanted to let people know that if your responses are too long they may be caught up in the spam filter. until I release them from the filter all your posts will go to this spam box. Girlnextdoor this is what happened to your posts until now...so please look back through the thread to see if you missed any responses. I don't think this will happen anymore..
I haven't had a chance to read through all the responses here....but the bits and pieces I have read from girlnextdoor are very open... transparent and must be very hard for her to discuss with us. I appreciate your willingness to bare your soul soul here.. I believe our membership will be kind and compassionate with this stage of your healing...thank you again for answering...you are providing a wealth of insight for many.
Shepherdess
Re: Shocked - wife wants divorce and not go to therapy
October 30, 2009 by shepherdess
I am so sorry ...FORGIVE ME...I have confused your story with another...I thought your W was the one with the Virgin OM...NOT!!!! That will teach me to make sure I have everyone's story straight before I respond. Forgive me please. I will return with a clarifications...if you still want them from me...Maybe the Shepherdess needs a vacation. 
Re: Just another Dorothy
October 30, 2009 by shepherdess
It’s weird because my emotions have been so intense probably due to hormonal changes. I haven’t gone through menopause yet but it is happening. There are definitely some physical changes happening. At the same time there has been a numbness toward the people I love. It’s a weird combination that’s hard to explain but from what I have read from others not uncommon. Maybe the numbness is self-imposed to quiet the intense emotions.-struggling
Please listen to my interview on She Speaks to Inspire I did last week...I explain why you are feeling this way in detail. You can find the link in the General category.
Shepherdess
PS IT IS TOTALLY HORMONAL>>> the numbness that is...your estrogen and oxytocin levels are dropping these are the hormones women need for mothering/caretaking....breeding/sexual attraction...see The Female Brain book in the WINMLC Bookstore.
Re: Shocked - wife wants divorce and not go to therapy
October 30, 2009 by shepherdess
Oh I think that the Theory of Uncoupling is part of this process but it is only ONE part of it...this is why Mort Fertel gets after me all the time about making sure that everyone here knows and understands that there are MANY crisis's happening here, which also include whatever crisis YOU are going through....NOT just ONE!
I believe I have said this before to you that I don't believe that there is ONE thing going on in your situation...ithough now i think...both YOU AND your Wife may be simultaneously going through MLC. You are definitely co-dependent in each other's bad behavior...YOU enable her bad behavior with the OM and she enables you by allowing you to play the martyr...this is what co-dependents do. You feed her need to be bad and she feeds your need to be the victim....it is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Could the reason why you are allowing the affair is because it takes you off the hook sexually? I mean if OM fulfills her sexual need and she stops harping on you in this category then you both win...she gets her sex and you don't have to perform at the level that she wants and needs. Could this be why she struggles with what is going on..that she is torn between the OM and you? She loves you for who you are, your history, while the OM is taking care of your wife's sexual needs. If you were sexual with her at the level that she wants and needs would this whole situation be mute?
The one factor of an MLC Affair that yours doesn't have is the secrets, lying and the betrayal. She isn't and hasn't kept this OM secret from you or lied ...you have accepted this man so her being with him isn't a betrayal...this is why you don't have the reaction that most LBS have...the need to kick the OM's butt.
I am beginning to to think that this is not a case of MLC...it is just a case of people who are living in dysfunction (we are all dysfunctional to a point), yet the dysfunction kind of works for all the parties involved. The problem lies at the feet of both of you...Are you both cake eaters? Then you can't be upset about your Wife keeping a man to take care of something you are unwilling or unable to do...you have allowed it, given her and him permission and now you want to stop it because she is becoming emotional about the OM....I get her need and I understand her dilemma...you've allowed this to go on and now you are setting a boundary...and you are realizing it is a deal breaker? How fair is that or hypocritical? I am beginning to understand why your wife is so confused.
I am not saying this to make you angry or upset you...I am trying to make you think through your actions and see what they appear to others...or what they may truly be...only YOU know the TRUTH. Your situation may be determined in what YOU are willing to tolerate and for how long.
Just some thoughts.
Shepherdess
How to Forgive and Work Through the Past
October 30, 2009 by shepherdess
Dear WINMLC Members: Did you know that you don't have to actually forgive your spouse for the affair? That's right. At least not yet. Because of the heavy burden society puts on us, the word forgiveness has almost lost it's value. The word is almost overwhelming. Do you have to forget in order to forgive? What if you cannot forget? What if you can't forgive? Not to mention there can be so much personal guilt someone feels when they can't forgive because of the pressure we feel. That's why I am going to show you what forgiveness really means and the healthy steps to take to really achieve it. (when you're ready.) Even if you don't feel "ready" I want you to consider this method right now because it could be what saves you from a divorce. If you feel stuck, and your spouse is getting annoyed because you "just won't forgive," then I may have new research that may help you. This is new research I've been testing within the last 10 years and it really works. After 30 years of counseling I run into very heavy cases. I've helped thousands of people move past an affair but not before they hit the issue of forgiveness. For many it appears to be a brick wall, mostly because they don't know what to do. That is why I've developed a new program that is designed to help you get through the pain of the past more quickly by showing you a strategy for working towards forgiveness. This is a unique method that most counselors have never considered. What I do is show you how to deal with the offense head on through a unique method called cognitive behavioral therapy. That means overcoming your overwhelming feelings that won't go away, haunting images and obsessive thoughts. I've spent a decade outlining my findings so that you can have a blueprint. And not long ago I put together my program into a 57 page guide along with an hour and 24 minutes audio tutorial. Both of these can be downloaded right from my site. A significant part of doctoral training is learning about personality. Psychologists are trained in normal and abnormal aspects of personality and the development of personality-including factors that affect it in both good ways and bad. This training, when combined with over 30 years of experience, gives me an immense database of problems and solutions. Some marriage counselors are passive while a few are more directive. I am directive. I don't just sit back and watch people fail. I believe it is important to work out your marriage relationship. Because I am "pro-marriage" I don't consider what I do a success unless I help you make your marriage better than it ever was and AVOID DIVORCE. And that is why I want you to learn these principles and save your marriage. Please do me a favor. Get the program, take an hour to go through it and then send me an email and let me know what you think. I believe marriage partners should be best friends to each other and not treat each others like enemies and that is the promise of all my programs. Let me show you how. Use this link now: Warm Regards, Dr. Frank Gunzburg P.S. This course is requred for any of my clients who've experienced an affair. It just works.
Re: Shocked - wife wants divorce and not go to therapy
October 30, 2009 by shepherdess
Eeyore:
I believe the Uncoupling Theory is process that women use during their MLC. If you believe that your wife is NOT going through what I call "The Dorothy Syndrome", which is a process dealing with a person's Mind, Body and Spirit (Brain, Heart and Courage)...AND the only thing your wife is doing is trying to UNcouple ...then this theory fits...BUT if you know that your wife is struggling with menopause, unable cope with natural life changes and has lost her grip on her moral and ethical code...HERE lies the difference.
Uncoupling is about the marriage and the relationship and how a person must uncouple to become the person they want to be in life. There may have bee distinct problems within the marriage that kept one or the other of the partners from growing and maturing...their ability to grow as a couple has stalled...so they uncouple.
The Dorothy Syndrome is about the women OR man who must disconnect from ALL relationships and go on a journey to mature. During this journey, Dorothy goes back to the point in her life where her maturing stalled or stopped, part of the journey is figuring out that that is what she needs to do and the rest of journey is resolving those issues and learning how to move forward with those skills that she didn't have in the first part of her life. The crazy thing about all of this IS...most women throw the baby out with the bath water...they don't understand the story line or what they are supposed to be doing during this...so they wing it...or just FLY letting their emotions carry them along. It is NOT a problem with the marriage /relationship...it is about the person that is in the couple.
So...to answer your question if I believe it is either or.. This book and theory you cited here was written in 1990 WAY before women went off the hook with MLC...in fact, rarely was it spoken of and was considered something that women suffered in silence AND women never rebelled against let alone act on...this phenomena has changed even over the past five years...it has become more extreme AND the culture has changed in so many ways since 1990...that the theory only partially works and can NOT stand alone anymore. So, it does play a role...but there so many more moving parts to this thing...it is only ONE of the moving parts, yet shouldn't be dismissed.
Shepherdess
PS Always check the copyright on books that you are reading on this subject...there is so much more research and the theories have changed in just the past few years. Anything older than 2004 in copyright should be read with caution and the idea that there has been a lot more added to this topic since the copyright date.
A Good Woman
October 29, 2009 by shepherdess
