I can really relate to this post by uhavenoidea.  The feeling that I am not "in love" with my husband and possibly never was and that I want passion came upon me rather suddenly too.  My husband is a great guy too and the honesty has hurt him. 
My therapist did tell me that it seemed like I was having a classic mid-life crisis though.  I am not acting on these feelings but still can't seem to shake them completely.  I was having an emotional long-distance affair in a way via email correspondence and a few telephone conversations, one meeting with an old crush but nothing physical.  The communication has stopped but the feelings are still there and I am missing the communication.  I am trying really hard to refocus on my relationship with my husband and on my own mental health.  I do know on an intellectual level that an affair would be destructive and that leaving my marriage is something I would probably regret.   For now I am just trying to "let it be"  and be patient.
Shepherdess had indicated that the first step was loving yourself, so I am working on that too.  I am hoping that the MLC thinking will change in time, but I am definately not there yet.

MLB,  I have been reading about your situation, mostly because I am really hoping your wife will get through this and be able to get her life back.  I was sorry to hear what she said she didn't know about being able to keep her promise... but at least she was being honest with you about that.  I am glad to hear that Shepherdess is still feeling hopeful.  I hope she is able to do what she needs to do.  Just wanted to know that I am hoping and praying for her (and you) too. 

Shepherdess,  Thank you for your honest post about the man who contacted you on facebook.  It helps my resolve to remain strong and not fall into that again and to figure out how to fullfill myself in other ways.  This is kind of like Alcoholics Anonymous helping each other stay away from their addiction. 
Thank you! 

I received that message also.  2 times. 

I don't know if coming here are reading these posts is good for me or not.  As I read these recent posts I am feeling really sad and I am having a hard time putting a finger on why I am feeling this way.  I have always known that my husband loves and cherishes me and even after all these years he still finds me attractive.  Why is it that I still feel like something is missing sometimes?  Yes I know that he is a wonderful guy and I can find very little to complain about with him.  I really don't understand why that isn't enough.   It's true that while we were raising our kids that we both didn't pay enough attention to each other, but now our kids are gone and we have plenty of time with each other.  He does pay attention to me.... especially over the past year or two since I have been going through all of this and he seemed to instinctively recognize that I needed more from him.  Is it just that for whatever reasons I have felt more insecure and need more reassurance.   Why is it that I needed some other man to say nice things to me, pay attention to me when I have a perfectly fine man right here with me doing that? 

Years ago ... in our early thirties I was going to counseling by myself and the counselor asked me to invite my husband to some sessions.  At the time I was keeping him at arms length.. keeping him from being close because I was afraid of being abandoned.  It wasn't conscious or anything.  I was afraid of him leaving me so keeping him from being too close was my way of protecting myself from eventual abandonment.  I thought I had resolved that through our counseling.  At one point with us both there the counselor said "You have done all this to keep him from being close to you and he is still here.  He must really love you."  It was sort of a turning point for me... I started crying and I thought for the first time I felt that he wasn't going to abandon me.  Now I am wondering if I am reliving that issue in MLC.  I don't know if any of this makes sense... I am just thinking and typing.  I wonder if we have intamcy issues if it's my own fault. 

Nothing has changed in my situation.  I recognize it's all MLC and I am not going to walk away from my marriage... not even close to that.   But I am still missing the attention from the OM even though I know he is probably no where close to the kind of man my husband is. Heck I know VERY LITTLE about him.  How can you know someone based on what they say in emails. 
 I WON'T start that up again, but today I am missing that.  I don't tell my husband when I am feeling this way because I feel like I don't need to keep hitting him with that hurtful stuff.   I am still struggling this week.

MLB-  I really do hope your wife is sincere and things work out for you.

MLB

Basilduke said "The thing I'm amazed at isn't that a woman could theoretically become addicted to someone. It's the KIND of man to whom they become addicted"

You have no doubt heard the expression "Love is blind"  I think it should be "Lust is blind"  I am not sure what causes the intitial attraction, but I think it just starts with the OM paying attention to you and using charm.  And in MLC we are hungry for that.  (and it's not a good man who is going to pay attention to and charm a married woman) That may be what starts those "feelings"  Then we just create a fantasy in our minds around that and don't see what is REALLY there.  I think it's just all a big fantasy and nothing based on reality at all for these women.   Sadly, by the time these women start to see through the fantasy it is often too late.  They've already destroyed their lives. 

MLB,  I have been reading your posts about the developments of the past week.  I think your MIL was right when she told your wife that you have displayed the qualities of a "real man".  I am truly amazed that someone would still be willing to even consider a reconciliation after all your wife has done.  It's an amazing and wonderful thing to me and an example of unconditional love.    I say this even though I understand where your wife has been and even though I tend to be defensive of the men's wives.  To tell you the truth though, if the tables were turned and my husband walked out and left me for another woman and then wanted to come back, I don't know how willing I would be to forgive and take him back. 

I agree with all the feedback you have gotten here about being cautious and not making it too easy for her to come back.  Not only should you be wary of manipulation by her and wary of her real motives for wanting to come back, but you should also be sure that you will be able to forgive her completely.  This won't happen overnight. 
 
 

I think my counselor did a lot to help me break through the denial or the illusion I was under.  When I first made an appointment I told her I was questioning my marriage. Then as we talked I told her about the communication with the OM.  This was shortly after I had met up with him in my home town.   She was very non-confrontational, non-judgmental as good counselors are, but she did say right away that it seemed like I was having a midlife crisis.  She also reflected back to me a lot of what I was saying and when I heard it that way I realized how ridiculous it all sounded.  She also talked about how people leave their marriages all the time in search of greener pastures and they seldom find themselves any happier and often alone and with nothing.  She reinforced that I barely knew the OM... which by the way I was fully aware of and not in denial about.  Later she advised me to read some books about why women have affairs.  I felt indignant at first when she said that because I didn't really think I was having an affair.  But then as I thought about it, it wasn't exactly just a normal friendship and I was thinking about sex with him even if I wasn't doing it.  It was consuming my thoughts. 

If we compare MLC to addiction, denial is a big part of addiction.  You have to deny and rationalize to keep doing the addictive behavior.  You like the addictive behavior and get pleasure out of it so you want to deny that it's not good for you and rationalize doing it, even if you know deep down inside that it is wrong and not good for you.  When someone is addicted say to alcohol or drugs, the worst thing you can do it beat them over the head with statements like  " You are an addict and you must stop."  That only increases the resistance.  I work with people with drug and alcohol problems and I have attended a lot of training about working with resistant people and Motivational Interviewing.  Generally it means using reflections, and telling people what you hear them saying and pointing out indiscrepancies.  For instance.  "You say that alcohol is not a problem for you but you have this lengthy rap sheet and all of it involved alcohol use."   It doesn't always break through the denial, but it works better than being overly confrontive.  Denial can be pretty powerful. 

I don't know if what works for drug and alcohol addictions would work for MLC. I may be comparing apples to oranges.  Shepherdess and SB1 may have some better advice about how to break through the denial.  And from the sound of it your wife was so far into it, there may have been nothing you could have said or done at that point to have any impact.  Maybe the only thing that can break through that kind of denial is to live through it and eventually find out the hard way that the man you thought was your "true love"  was far from it.  

One thing I didn't do was to blame things on my husband.  I felt numb to him but I never thought it was his fault. 

I was unable to listen to this at home because of my slow dial-up internet and unable to listen to it on my work computer because of the site where the link took me to was blocked and there was no player at the top to click on.  If there is a place to look at the transcript I would love to read it. 

Girlnextdoor,

We don't have many women talking here and it's great to have another woman's perspective.  I am glad that you and your current husband have started counseling because the communication piece of a relationship is so huge.  My heart goes out to you regarding your son. He sounds very much like my son and that would completely break my heart.   I hope you get the chance to make amends with him some day.  More than that I hope he is able to make a stand with the girlfriend and be on his own so that he can be happy.    It is clear that you truly regret how your actions affected him.   

 I do have a good friend whose son recently married a rather bossy controlling woman who has driven a wedge between him and his family and it is breaking her heart.  However my friend didn't have a midlife crisis or anything that she feels caused it.  Sometimes these things just happen. 

I am glad you are posting here

Struggling

Shepherdess,  I an unable to listen to the radio show right now because I am home and we live in a very rural area and only have dial-up internet here.  I will try to listen to it next week on my work computer. 

Thank you and MLB about the input about the hormones.  There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that a lot of what I am feeling is caused by hormonal changes.  I did see a homeopathic doctor about a year and a half ago.  One of the things she said was in peri-menopause the first hormone to decline was progesterone and she said I had the symptoms of progesterone decline and estrogen loading.  So she advised me to use progesterone cream, which I have been.  I also went to my GP who ran my hormone levels and all were still in the normal range, but the progesterone was on the low end.  So I thought that confirmed what the homeopathic dr. said.  She said that would explain the excited, anxious feelings too.  The GP advises hormone replacement therapy starting three months after the menstral cycles end, but that hasn't happened yet.  The homeopath advises several natural remedies but other than that she recommends letting it happen naturally and the body will adjust.  I am to for my annual physical soon, so I will ask to have the hormone levels tested again and see if what the changes are.  I haven't decided which path to take.  I had thought I would go through the change naturally, become a stronger person for it and my body would adjust.  But I am not so sure anymore. 

To see a specialist would entail traveling a few hundred miles and also my insurance will not cover bio-identical hormone replacement therapy.  

But I actually feel so much better than I did a year to a year and a half ago.  I don't know if that has to do with using the progesterone cream or my body and mind adjusting to the changes or because I have worked a few things out.  It's probably a combination of all of those things.  I feel like I was hanging off a cliff, clawing to save myself a little over a year ago.  Now I've reached the top and starting the long hike down the mountain to get to where I need to be.