She is afraid of confronting what she has been running from all this time......................which NEEDS to be solved or she will not move on in life (like my exW).
 
Isn't holding the finances over her head to force her to be with you - kind of like forced prostitution?
 
I understand your "want" to get back together - some one moved your cheese and you DESPERTATLY want it back and are willing to give up anything, including your respect and dignitary to get it....................but you better stop and understand that what you want is not what you will get, all you are going to get playing the appeasement game is a temporary truce - until she gets the urge and finds some one else.....................because you have already set the precedence that you are willing to let her get away with it.
 
No OM? Too bad I can't place the bet on that one. She knows you have been finding her out - she's gone deeper underground with it. Do you really think you are the only one who has fallen for this one? the other board I hang out at has over 3000 members.................I've heard this story b/4; I set a boundary - she breaks it, so you set another boundary - and she breaks it, so you set another boundary and she breaks it..................................
 
Watch "Intervention" you may get the idea of what an addict is, or you may just go on living in denial.....................
 
What you could do is actually detach, see a IC for help on co-dependency/lack of esteem issues, and get on with life without getting on with life wrapped around your W and her every breath..............
 
But that's just my random thoughts..................

DJ,
　Me three - I've been divorced from exW since 2001, we live in separate towns - but we do NOTHING together. We have both attended many functions of my 3 girls; graduations, recitals, ball games, etc. but Never together.

At my older 2's High School graduations, me and W took them (I have always had full custody) - then went with the other d's and stat in the bleachers. After the ceremony exW and her b/f now H got to spend 30 min or so with the grad and other girls..................then me, W and D's all went out for dinner - then home.

Going together would actually give your D false hope of "the family is getting back together" and send her　into the tornado of emotions.

Same with Holidays - set times for when the minor kids will be with who, the older kids will have to decide who to be with when. My current arrangements with exW:
odd years D goes to exW's for thanksgiving (Wed night - Sat), is with me on Christmas eve and day - usually with exW for 3 - 4 days of her Christmas break (usually after Christmas day).
even years D goes to exW's for 24th - 26th of Dec (plus or minus a day or two depending on school days off and my travel plans) and spends thanksgiving with me and W.

You could split the day - but splitting time off of school usually works better.

You are not the 1st one this has happened too. The OM is like a drug to the addict, and how many addicts fall off the wagon? Watch the show "Intervention" and you will understand your W's behavior better then you want to..........................

Sorry it is going down this path, but this is the nature of this beast. Get back to detachment and moving on with your life......................

Good catch fred - you have your journey to go on, she has hers......................should they meet, no one knows......................but you have your journey to go on.

Book says that "often" the rebel will recant at some point and future depends on that happening and state of mind of spouse at that time.

Some do turn around, but this is not a quick process 5 - 10 years down the road, MAYBE. The question is - do you want to waste 5 - 10 years on maybe and add all the pain she will cause by trashing your hopes and dreams over and over and over. And at the end - have the Monster win out?

Put your hope in a box - and live life. At some point in time, you will probably be ready for another relationship - when that time comes it does.................if she is still the Monster, that's her. But when that day gets here - do you want to start a new relationship by sobbing over 5 - 10 years of a wasted life on some one who never came back? Or have a life to talk to some one about?

Worried1 - the doubts, mistrust, anger - are all normal.......................and she caused them. You are human - she will have to do a lot of the work to reassure you that she is trust worthy. But you will have to do a lot of work also................getting through the crisis was the 1st and easiest part.
 
The patience we learn as an LBS, is just the warm up - you are going to need all of that and then some. How do we start to trust our kids when they get involved with drugs or tell us at 16 "I'm pregnant"? Time, patience, working through...................them earning and us letting go.
 
This is why it's important to find you and things you enjoy, things that help you get the stress off when your spouse is in crisis................for those who reach this stage, they are going to need all of that and then some. It would be nice to think that when the person in crisis "wakes up" that things just go back to how they were..........................but you can't get there from here - that marriage died, another has to be built on top of the ashes....................one day at a time.
 
This might help - it's a thread at 4060 where some of us who made it through have discussed some of these issues.
http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=4058&view=findpost&p=48582

And you sound like you are on the right track. Too often we sit around waiting for our spouses to return from their trip around the milky way - and we miss the most important part of this journey, our opportunity to grow...........................we get comfortable in our lives and we forget that things happen that can radically change the course we thought we were on.

She is over 18 and the law does not prohibit bad choices..............................it is a shame how many turn to drinking and a means of an escape when there are so many resources available to help.

Keep on keeping on LH.

DJ,
 Look around for other things to do to occupy your time..........when my W's MLC hit I couldn't even concentrate on playing solitaire on the computer (I'm a gaming junkie) or read captions under magazine photo's......................slowly I forced myself to do a little more each day, it took a while to work past the shock - be easy on yourself, it will happen.....................maybe some internet searches for cooking? Recipes?

Don't waste time or brain cells trying to figure out what is fair, right, just and what is not.................it won't help any more then the Man who just lost an entire family to a drunk driver. We get secure in our lives, daily activities, our plans for the future, the hustle and bustle of day to day challenges...............and we forget about "What if" and this is part of what if. Some time rally lousy things happen.............and they happen to tens of thousands of people every day - the key is to what we make of it and how we deal with these crisis's.

You may not see it at the moment - but you are moving forward. However like watching the clock in school waiting for the bell to ring.....................it seems to slow down time. Slowly time will start running faster....................and as you create new memories with your kids they will replace the other memories that you have....................it's all part of the grieving process - don't fight it, let it happen....................because tomorrow the sun will come up (even if there are clouds), if that doesn't happen - then worry.

As shep said - some times you will never hear about guilt or remorse. My exW's Dad told her, after her mother passed away "she was the best thing in my life, I screwed it up and never told her that or that I still loved her" - how many years it took for him to figure that out............who knows? He married one of his affair partners.................twice and had remarried again after the 2nd D to the affair partner.................he has spent most of his life crawling in and out of the bottle.

Don't waste your time, life or head space on it - very seldom do they come back any time soon IF at all when they have become involved with an OP.

The best thing you can do is move on and have a wonderful life.

Eeyore,
 I have to agree with the others - you have thrown in the "marriage" towel - but my exW went AWOL in 2001...................because of now D15, there have been fights over visitation, child support, etc., etc., etc. This doesn't just end because we give them what they want - because what they want is not what they get. It takes years before this all settles down.................

Depending on OM's status (married or single) - he will probably try to get your W to try to screw you over - about everything..................because this is all your fault according to her.

Hang in there - you cannot control her or her actions, only your own life. Go back in time b/4 you met her - what did you give up to be a family man? Cars? Motorcycles? other hobbies or adventures that you left undone because as a young married man you could not afford?