Hello, Lost Lady.

I guess I DO have some advice for you. Take it for what it's worth, but I'm basing it on my own recent trainwreck. To this day, my ex-wife indignantly insists that she repeatedly told me how miserable and unfullfilled she was in our marriage. In her version of our history, she sat me down on an almost yearly basis and really gave it to me. And I refused to heed her warnings (according to her).

The truth is something quite different. I can assure you that had my ex-wife told me "There is something horribly hollow inside me, a vacancy in my soul, and I am drifting from you, and will probably leave you for another man if we both don't get help immediately," I would have jumped into action. But she didn't. She ran silent for a long, long time - until she'd nursed enough grievances (real and imaginary) to give herself permission to blow up my family for a predatory fool who in turn dumped her about three months later.

Please sit your husband down, and in very clear and direct language, explain to him what's happening inside you - and what's probably going to happen if he doesn't try to help you. Men generally need to be wacked up side the head. We don't get all the signals that a lot of women mistake for communication. (When my wife holed up in our bedroom for long periods of time, I thought she was relaxing with Lifetime movies; she was actually mentally divorcing me.) If I were you, I'd go so far as to tell him that although there isn't another man in the picture, such a development is far from an impossibility in your mind. Tell him how miserable and resentful you are - and WHY. Call him to account over the child issue. (That one really blisters my butt.) Fire an unmistakable shot across his bow. Try to shake him out of his bliss.

Basil Duke

I wish my ex would have done the same.

The Eddie Stick never sleeps! (And you are most welcome, Shepherdess.)

I'm not going anywhere, MLB! Ironically, my ex-wife called me today at work, and blurted out "I think I'm having a nervous breakdown." She then began crying - in the middle of her office. Good Lord. I got the longer version when she came to my apartment earlier this evening to get our son: work is a nightmare of stress and poor management; the company just lost a very important client; on Monday, she leaves for China for a week on a business trip, and she doesn't want to go; etc. etc. etc. She weaved the very familiar names of several co-workers into the litany of economic and emotional catastrophe, and I had to force myself to stay quiet.

Man, did I ever feel conflicted. On the one hand, I HATE her company and I hate those creatures she works with. Hate it and them almost as much as I hate her ex-boyfriend (whom she met there, as you remember). But I sure as heck don't want to see my son's mother lose her job - or her mind.

I was a human being tonight, friends. Gave the ex a beer, listened to her, gave her the kind of back rub and massage that she always loved. (This was done over her shirt and in full view of our son, whose own back I'd just scratched. We've all always been big on the back scratches.) She calmed down, and after about an hour, gave me a crushing hug and left with my son.

Her repurcussions continue to slam into her, bowling ball like. And I'm still in jeopardy, as is my son. If she loses her job, she loses her house. My son't house. And if she cracks up, she loses her job. And my son loses his home. And so on. It's exactly like I predicted on that horrible early October morning in 2008, when she announced her love for the boy idiot.

Thus, MLB, I am still in the trenches. But what a far stronger state of mind I'm in now, compared to this time last year.  

Shepherdess, points taken. It's just that I would absolutely HATE to see MLB and his kids jump through all the same, old flaming hoops again for nothing. (Not that YOU do.) I'm probably not the best person to be contributing to this part of the thread, given my ex's mad dog plunge over the cliff. In my mind, these things are always doomed to fail. I've gotten to the point where I feel like I'M married to MLB's wife. And, Lord, am I fed up with her antics and drama. Subconsciously, maybe I'm reliving my own nightmare and am trying to avoid another heartbreak. I'm going to lay low for a while.

Basil Duke 

And meanwhile, the potbellied pig kicks back and drinks his beer, scratches himself, polishes his five-iron and calls his sister to find out when dinner'll be ready. Life is great! He's lapping it all up - probably enjoys having this kind of power over a mentally ill woman. His effort and sacrifice is precisely ZERO in all of this. All the evil swine has to do is wake up every morning, and, presto! He's adored by a middle-aged married woman - and at absolutely no cost to himself. I hope your prayers are answered, MLB. I hope cancer takes both of his testicles in the very near future.

Basil Duke  

Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos! Juvenile emotional turmoil - from a 48-year-old woman. Like a child who can't stop obsessing about the cookie jar after mom's put it on top of the fridge. Got to have it!

I pray to God that I never "fall in love."

MLB, hold the course. You've been through enough agonizing crap with this woman and her other 'man.' And so have your kids.  

I'm glad to see you all taking a hard line with her. She's been given enough rope to hang herself a dozen times. It seems she's going to do it again. From what I can tell, you've all made the consequences of her possible actions vividly clear, which is about all you CAN do at the moment. Protect yourselves and follow through with your promises to her. If you do, an Ice Age will soon descend on her. Hope the pot-bellied flunkie is worth the loss of her entire world.

I'm sorry it's looking bad.

Basil Duke 

Leo, this will be my last response to your thread.

You are a fool. To call you a "doormat" insults decent, hard-working doormats everywhere in the world.

I think you derive some sort of pleasure from humiliating and debasing yourself like this. I really do.

I'd like to rip your wife a new one, but I really can't gin up any real fury for her. She's a selfish, mean b****, but you've done yeoman's work in creating this monster. She should have been on the street 18 months ago - along with her boyfriend's teeth. The fact that she's still in the home, while actively dating, is all on you. The fact that her boyfriend can still eat solid foods is likewise all on you.

You are a man without pride or dignity. Your wife is a woman without morals.

I feel very sorry for your children. 

Well, I had a major communications issue with my (at the time) estranged wife, too. She was in complete and angry denial about everything - and, when I warned her that things were going south in a hurry with Basil Junior, she insisted that they actually had a "great relationship." I was further instructed to never raise the subject again. However, I DID make sure our son knew that his mother wasn't well (he didn't need much convincing on that point), and that he could stay with me 24/7 if he wished. And that's pretty much what he wound up doing for a three or four month period. It started one night at 10, when he called me out of the blue, and said, "Will you come get me? I'm sick of mom's crap." I was over there in 10 minutes.

Having said this, I think Jack should definitely try to communicate with his wife about the daughter. He'll probably get the same reaction as me, but he needs to try.

And, yes, Jack, a lot of the pointers I send your way originated with Shepherdess. I screwed up royally by not listening to her in the early going. (I moved out of the house, like a dummy.)

We're just trying to keep you out of the minefield that already claimed some of our limbs.

Basil Duke

Shepherdess, that Marine Corps major post took some real guts. I have a very strong sense that it's going to help our women members in a huge way. And yet, it scared me. Is there a psychological/cultural virus out there that will eventually consume us as a people? What horrible trainwreck awaits my 14-year-old son? It seems to me that as a nation, the beast has seized our moral compass and drop-kicked it into the seventh level of hell.

In terms of what my ex-wife pulled on me, I swear to you, I would have been LESS surprised if the Pope showed up on my doorstep with a pair of hookers and a bong. Her betrayal and crisis were THAT bizarre. Granted, maybe I was naive and complacent - and she, totally incapable of communicating. But there was something at work on her that transcended standard human failings. Won't get too deep, but I'm worried for us all. Where does this trend end? Or IS it a trend? Maybe it's existed all along, but we just didn't realize it. The internet shines a very powerful light.

Over and out.

Basil Duke

Hello, 'guest guest.' Go to "Introductions" and read Girl Next Door's "Just Another Dorothy" thread. In it, she goes into great detail about her situation. You'll probably glean a good deal of useful insight from her posts - as well as answers to your questions above.

Basil Duke

It's a good thing that you're detached/detaching, because your wife is still in the middle of the cyclone. All that crap she's throwing at you is standard MLC gibberish. And you're under no obligation to stand there and listen to it.

She inhabits her own planet at the moment - where she's right and anyone who doesn't agree with her 100 percent isn't just wrong, he's bad, too.

Let her go, Fred; her soulmate will dump her butt in a matter of months, and then she'll really self-destruct. I'm not saying your marriage is salvageable, but, with her and her idiotic, highschool girl-level drama gone, at least you'll be on the road to a normal life. 

Basil Duke

P.S. My ex told me several times that she didn't have a single good memory from our 24 years together. Not one! It was ALL horrible, according to her. Totally bonkers.