Recon Question
Well, update on my situation Ive been on the recon path since July13. We have made alot of progress, Shes put in alot of effort into fixing this broken marriage. Tonight, I knew something was on her mind. So, I pressed a bit. She told me that she is worried about seeing my family, my friends, worried about her Aunt and our financial mess ( 2 battlling lawyers drained us both ) She appologized to me, which I now tell her she doesnt have to do. And says she is carrying around alot of guilt and feels very ashamed. Im not sure what, if anything, I can do, except let her know im there for her. We both go to IC and in the comming week or so will start going as a couple. I guess I am asking is how can I show her Im here for her? Is this the right mindset for me to be in?
Just be there...Listen...be compassionate, empathetic...forgiveness is a choice...an act of grace...and mercy.
You needn't do anything other than be present at this point...SHE is the one that has a lot of hard work to do...She needs to regain respect and trust...YOU never left...you were always there waiting...so just be present...listening...going slowly, not pushing or demanding anything other than the healing that has to occur for both of you. Be gentle with one another...learn how to be Best Friends again. But don't forget she must earn your trust and respect back...this part has nothing to do with forgiving her.
The fact that you are there right now, willing to let her back in ...go to counseling...willing to take her back is HUGE!!!
The Act or choice of Forgiveness is just the beginning...many people think that all is well and good after being forgiven.... God forgives...and then He commands that we sin no more...that is the work part...we must do what we need to do to make sure that we sin no more, otherwise we are doomed to sin again.
Just be there...not expecting anything...being grateful that your Dorothy is trying to click her heels and trying to come home. Your ability to forgive and have her back is ALL the wooing you have to do. If you have to woo her...she is not ready to come home..this is what I call falling asleep in the Poppy Filed...I don't think this is what is happening.
I am happy to hear about your recent developments. It is nice/refreshing to hear.
Shepherdess
I am trying to simply be present, but at the same time this is going on, I do have my ever so tiny doubts/fears, I sometimes feel upset/fraustrated/angry(angry is too strong a word) about all of this, and I know this is MY own issue to deal with. I guess thats where the rebuilding the trust comes in to play. I mean late at night, I look back, and see the emotional carnage of all of this, the financial destruction. Not to make lite of a tragedy, but its like that town in the midwest that got 90% or so destroyed a few years back by a tornado. Since we started talking again and spending time together she has put in alot of effort, but tonight, after i made my initial p;ost, I did bring some of this up. I had to, cant explain. Maybe i felt i needed some reassurances, i know there really are none, but it was something that has been tugging at me since Sunday morning.
She needs to reassure you...but not just in words...it must be in acts and deeds that demonstrate that she is backing up her words. This is when earning the love, trust and respect back is so important...because it was her words AND her actions that caused the carnage before...this is what will also heal. She needs to understand that YOU need verbal AND demonstrative actions that prove she is telling the truth ...not leading you on or setting you up. This is what I mean by the fact that SHE has a lot of work to do...do NOT let her off the hook on this work...EARNING your trust and respect back is the second step after you forgive her...this is how she clears the slate completely.
You were right and justified to go get reassurance...no would blame you...what she did in the past year would make any person nervous about giving a person a second chance. She needs to be open to giving you this reassurance any time you need it...like I said she needs to woo you back ...not the other way around.
Shepherdesss
Worried,
What it the status of the OM, I assume the relationship has eneded, but what are you doing to address that?? No Contact??
Thanks
MLBHOME
She has verbally reassured me and her actions too, small things,little by litle, day by day. Before we started to recon. my path seemed so clear, detach, divorce and move on. didnt really want that, but i knew what i had to do, this road is alot trickier, good, but filed with its ups and downs
Worried,
What it the status of the OM, I assume the relationship has eneded, but what are you doing to address that?? No Contact??
Thanks
MLBHOME
-mlbhome
100% NC, she has changed her phone numbers, disconnected his(it was on her account) and after a few verbal and text threats, went to his probation officer( real POSOM ) and spoke with her.
yeah, she picked a winner. LOL polar opposite. Little f'ing twirp he is
Shep has told me that a lot the the wome end up with opposites of their husband,s ..same in my situation.
Well keep at it, I'm glad she is working on her issues, please keep us updated
thanks
MLBHOME
Worried1 - the doubts, mistrust, anger - are all normal.......................and she caused them. You are human - she will have to do a lot of the work to reassure you that she is trust worthy. But you will have to do a lot of work also................getting through the crisis was the 1st and easiest part.
The patience we learn as an LBS, is just the warm up - you are going to need all of that and then some. How do we start to trust our kids when they get involved with drugs or tell us at 16 "I'm pregnant"? Time, patience, working through...................them earning and us letting go.
This is why it's important to find you and things you enjoy, things that help you get the stress off when your spouse is in crisis................for those who reach this stage, they are going to need all of that and then some. It would be nice to think that when the person in crisis "wakes up" that things just go back to how they were..........................but you can't get there from here - that marriage died, another has to be built on top of the ashes....................one day at a time.
This might help - it's a thread at 4060 where some of us who made it through have discussed some of these issues.
http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=4058&view=findpost&p=48582
