Mid Life Crisis a story

First of all...why are you helping your W and the mother of your children have an affair with another woman's husband?  Why are you allowing YOUR children to be around this man...who is cheating and betraying his wife and kids and stealing your wife and who is encouraging her to cheat on you?  

Your story is all very confusing and it seems to me that you have let your wife eat cake and have her way ...thank goodness she left your home  and didn't squeeze you out.  We need a bit more info about your story.  But to answer your question....most marriages that occur that are based on an affair have less chance of surviving than one's that legitimately come together...the relationship already has baggage built in...PLUS if he cheated to be with her...he will probably cheat again.  I believe the last stats I read were 93% fail.  Most affairs don't last longer than six months to a year...they are built on fantasy and not real life.  Even if their affair doesn't end in marriage...it doesn't mean she is going to come running home to you.  There is much more going on within your W...the affair is a band-aid...she is filling a hole...until she resolves her issues she will keep needing band-aids.

I am happy you found us...You need to get to lawyer, if you haven't already.

Shepherdess

 Dear Rain,
As i understand your post.. Your W has an affair, she and the OM are co-habitating in their own house, and you agreed to let her have at least on of your children LIVE with her and OM 2 nights a week???
You said you are or were "all over the place", which we all can sympathize with.
 However YOU are the responsible adult in this situation. Your W has abandoned you and your children, why oh why are you helping her ruin YOUR life?? If she wants to live her life with her OM, fine, you should not be helping, supporting, or doing anything to make it easier for her. And I certainly would not let the kids in that house with the OM.
Just what do you know about this guy????
You get a lawyer and you file, and you get her into court and you get custody and everything else you can. Do you think her living arrangements are good for the kid(s)???

Wow!!!

MLBHOME

 

Hello,

No the Om has left his wife and child as well, his wife is filing. Therefore the OM is not having cake and eating it, he has also sheled out a bit for their 'love nest'. As for my kids well their mom aint here and if they get to spend time with her then good, even if he is there.

Myself, yeah I kind of crashed, burned redlined and hit a breakdown, however this appears to be the catalyst as me and the wife had nothing 5 years ago and now have the big house, car and a settled life, however its meant that I had to work away and 50+ hours a week.

In the last year I burned out, i did not shave and really could not do much apart from work as the recession bit and I had to hold everything together. So out of the 19 years i know I hit a bad turn, my wifes friends have told me they wont be her friends ever again, as the worst I done was to burn out, to crash whilst ensuring my kids and my wife were ok, I was not drinking, I was not abusive and I was not taking money, in fact my clothes are 3 years old, I gave my family everything at the detriment of myself as i knew all I had left was work, hoping to get beyond the blackness...

It was when I started to come out of this crisis that I noticed my wife had started msn with her boss and was wearing makeup at night, she was confiding in him. I monitored the conversations and found out that they were having sex, furthermore as I have a vasectomy my wife had the coil fitted (As her friend says 'sloppy seconds for you').

This was the straw that broke the camels back, I was not violent, it broke me, in the past 5 years I had shut off emotions to provide, to get the holidays and ensure my family was happy, yes my FAMILY. What she done was against the family, she was not a provider or even the best looking woman out there, however I was proud that she was a good wife and a good mother, suddenly I had nothing, I had 'things'.

We went away to try and sort it out, however on return to the home I seen her give up, almost like the whole kids, routine and 'life' thing was going to be too much.

She ran off with him and I have had reports of her 'porn star' lifestyle and how much she is enjoying her newfound sex life, which to be honest sounds a lot like us when we were younger. She has no friends left in the world, the ones she does have talk behind her back as they have very little to do, these are her 'male' friends who seem to have preferred the mail order bride route, therefore being friends that really cant find anyone that would put up with them in this country.

Now she takes one of the kids two days during the week, I am not angry as they need their mum a bit, and I have a very good network of friends neighbours and family that will let me out if I need it.

Im slowly starting to re-build, but as you can guess I have switched off for the last 5 years, only working, and not really trying to make friends etc... So re-gathering the emotions that I used to have is a difficult process.

She cant come back, im my eyes anyone that does that to their family for no good reason, or the fact that their partner of 19 years burns out for 2, is not worth it. I had a call from her last night where she wanted to pick my son up from school and ring him back to my house on Mondays to look after him, that sounded to me like she wanted to still keep a foot in here, or has noticed that there is no safety blanket, and I have always taken care of her.

I cant anymore, she must be cut loose, and I suspect allowed to wither and die.

Me...

Im 40, good job, good house, 2 nice kids and a nice car, look a lot younger (I have hardley drank or partied as I always put my family first) I can do much better than her in every sense (Everyone tells me this) However a part of me the 'protector' part is eaten up with what I could have done, and I know when she crashes another part of me will die.

Oh the OM has left a wife that does not work and a daughter, despite what my STBXW may think, thats scum, I could NEVER leave my family. If I were found out id stop to affair and beg for forgiveness, I guess they deserver each other, and they work together too, so from where I am standing everything just looks so wrong.

I will move on, however right now I am still trying to sort out my life, as crazy as that may sound.

And yeah I got the:

We should never have been together
I never really loved you
I need to get away from this life
I feel unfulfilled I need to do something with my life

All of which she could have sorted here with me, as thats been my job, provider and fixer... however in the burnout I forgot another job..lover I suppose.

Still not worth throwing 19 years away for now is it?

Apologies for the length :)

MLB's point about the children is very true.  Unless this arrangement is being enforced by the court...I would stop this immediately.  Your children DID NOT agree to what is going on with their mother and I am sure that are not jazzed about sharing her or their lives with a person they see as the one that stole their family away from them.  Remember your wife is your children's role model...as young one's they are watching and learning...as teens they are especially watching and learning because when they are teens THIS is when they truly build their morals and ethics that they will use the rest of their life.  Do you want your children to learn that it is okay for your married partner to have an affair OR that  marriage and relationships are just another throw away item in our society....that PEOPLE are throw away items?  If you don't want them to learn this...then sit your Wayward wife down and tell her that the kids can no longer stay at her apartment, especially if the OM will be there. (FYI:If you haven't heard child predators use the mother to get to the children/teen...so even if this married guy goes Bye-Bye...doesn't mean that you don't need a wall of protection up around your children/teen and the men your W will bring around them...doesn't mean this OM doesn't have things in mind too!)  

Tell your wife to end this now...that what they are doing is destroying TWO families.  If they are meant to be together then he would end his marriage NOW...not later...I bet you any money that his Wife knows nothing is going on.  Contact the OM's Wife and spill the beans on them.  IF they LOVE each other that much HE will be willing and ready to fight the good fight to keep the Affair going to the point that they eventually marry. Most people view the ratting out the affair to the wife as destroying two families...but really it could be saving two families....if anything it is doing the right thing...the wife is being betrayed and used...you may be doing this woman a BIG favor...SHE will be able to decide if she wants to stay with this jerk, where now she lives with him deaf , dumb and blind.

Here is a little secret:  Majority of OM's, even if it is totally true that their marriage $uck, they will NOT risk loosing their children, home AND be set up to pay alimony and child support...they won't risk the The Scandal for the the OW.  Most OM's dump the OW immediately upon being caught by their wives.... much of the thrill is keeping the secret and being able to tell theri buddies that they have a kept woman PLUS their wives...most of these OM's are pu$$y-whipped, weak and controlled by their baby-mama's...they are escaping....or they are just plain old male bullies or macho men on a power trip that have their Wives under their thumbs getting away with eating cake too!  The OM could be going through an MLC also OR he is a serial affair guy....your W is one of many that he has told that he would leave his wife and family for...I know this kind VERY well...they are the worst...they are predators.

Get to a lawyer this week and get the knowledge you need to protect you and your children...You have lost a lot of time being confused and making mistakes with the hope that she would return...STOP THINKING this way...She is caught up in a plan that is going to ruin your life and the lives of your children...pull those babies in under your wing Dad....Mama is not thinking straight...she is not capable of making good decisions...all she cares about is the OM and having that relationship fantasy play out.

Shepherdess

Hello Sheperdess.

The other woman is aware of the affair, and he is agreeing to maintainance, however I cant take the kids away from her as under the parent and child act I have no right (UK). Unless I can prove she is mentally deficient, and without going near a Doctor, this cannot be done. She refuses medical help, and honestly everyone that knows her says she should get medical help.

I have thought of contacting the OW, just so that she knows exactly what is going on, currently I believe that she thinks he has moved out and that they may have 'differences' to work out. However I am very aware that If I say 'yes lookmafter the kids at my house', or 'Ill help you' that I am seen to be condoning any actions, I think the best course of action is for mme to be very hard nosed, so the kids can see that I do not approve of this mess.

The OM is away visiting his daughter when my kids are at their mums, however to dat I have been too lenient, I think I need to treat this as business, not love, she did not do any of this out of love, and to be honest i see no reason why I should sympathise.

Gloves off, boots on, lest see who dies first is almost the way I feel, and I know it wont be me, which is about the only thing stopping me.

Well, here again the UK deals with all of this differently then we do here in the States...all the power seems to go to the Mum.  

I would contact the Wife of the OM to see if he is telling her the truth.  He may be leading her AND your wife on ...in other words, he is eating cake as long as he can....which in the end drags you through the mud.  This guy may be using ALL of you...there is only one way to find out...ask the OM's Wife what she knows.  The fact that your wife and her husband are doing this to TWO families is horrible!  It amazes me that both of you are just letting them do this to your families. 

For right now...you are right...make sure your kids know that you are not condoning any of this AND that it is NOT your fault that their family is being torn apart.

It seems I need to do some more research on this stuff in the UK...it seems that women in MLC in the UK are allowed to have cake and eat it it too!!! 

Shepherdess

Rain...it seems that your lengthy post got caught in the Spam filter...I released it...so now it is where it should...so if the responses seem out of order this is why...Sorry.  The spam filter has been doing this to lengthy posts recently...unsure why...but appreciate the fact that it does catch something...I try to stay on top of it.



Shepherdess

Dear Rain

That's the way you need to think. Your wife is playing no rules while you are. There are no rules in this (except legal ones) but emotionally there are none.

Yes you need to be hard-nosed, get those boots on, and stare down the evil that has taken over your wife.
That evil wants your children and you are all that stands between them and disaster.

Look at it as pure business. You worked your whole life to build a successful business, and now your wife is leading the hostlie takeover.

I know you guys over there love rugby, and your in the championship match. Get your mouth piece in, tie up your cleats, drop your socks, and grab your jock and take the game to her. ( sorry that last one is from my hockey days)

Get back control

MLBHOME

Yeah I have started by making me time, read a book, and watch a film rather than workaholic, find myself again and find my friends, take lots of pictures and ensure i go to nights out and parties. Im reclaiming my life, keeping my kids and not caring about my STBXW.

:)

Ah well just after a phone call to the kids, I asked for the keys to the other flat and when asked why i said...business..just closing things off...

Payback is a bitch !

So, Rained On Man, where do you go from here? What's your plan?

Are you going to contact your wife's boyfriend's wife?

May have missed this, but have you spoken to a lawyer?

Basil Duke

Basil, thee is no real point, as with the recession we would OWE more on the new house than we would get if it were sold, and I would not get maintainance as I am the primary breadwinner. In the UK the events can be traced back to the seperation, therefore a lawyer is an expensive waste of money, best to get a quickie divorce. My daughter is 16 in a few weeks anyway and thats her classed as an adult in the uk.

The other thing i have in the  back of my head is that this person is not my wife, and something tells me if I cat too hard she will crumple, she is not a strong person. Even after what she has done to me and her kids and her family and friends, i cant put the killing blow in, I am simply not that sort of person.

I can 'hold' all help, but nasty, not yet....Even though she has killed me, not yet.

Rainedon > I am in the UK. The parent who has care and control of the children has to pay maintenance until they are 18. If they are in full-time education, this is extended until they are 19. Contact the CSA and claim maintenance. Even if she is on income support, she is still liable to pay maintenance out of her benefits, otherwise she could go to jail for non-payment.

What you MUST do first is to formalise the care and control of the children through the court. Then hit her with maintenance claim. You said she is working. Maintenance is determined by her salary and the number of children. They can enforce deductions directly from her pay.

To everyone else > The culture in the UK is different. These things happen all the time to both men and women. People just grin and bear it. Men in particular do not show their emotions. They tend to just 'shrug' and say oh, what the heck....move on. It happens so frequently, it has become normalised. many couples have their own 'lovers' for twenty years or so, while raising a family and pretending that there is no problem. We have so many problems in British society. Families are fragmented. Some men and women are selfish. Lots of single parents and many transient relationships. many people live on their own and it is not unusual to have multiple simultaneous relationships. It is like a zoo and it seems that older people's lives are far more complicated than the younger ones! It is a crazy world out there!

Cheers

Nomad1