My Crazy new life? or is that Wife?
Ok here it goes, My story is much like the others I have seen so far on this board. I would like to say I at least know that I am not alone in this but I am cannot say that it makes me feel much better.
My W and I have been married for 20 years. Just had a great trip to , We have good friends and family. We have 3 Kids 19, 17, 15. This all seemed to start or It appeared to start sometime in June. I noticed W starting to chat online more. We were getting ready for 25yr class reunion and she even mentioned several people that she haddent talked to for along time. I have been with my W since we graduated high school. I have never not trusted her and I have never had any real issues with her. We have not communicated well over the years as she is more introverted and that has always been her way. She has also always been a marter for the kids not telling them what to do. Either telling me what she wanted them to do or she would just do it herself. Over the last few years I was not much better then the kids for that matter. I take my share of the responsibilities for this marriage collapsing. We both have put on weight, both were self absorbed to some extent. Neither was trying to take care of the others sexual needs. I get all of this but still Never saw this coming.
We went on vacation, she seemed checked out she was texting a lot. Could not focus on her family. Everyone noticed. She decided to go back to work early. And that we could talk later in the week about what was up.
I had just bought her a new Car that she seemed very happy with but I did notice she had put a lot of miles on it in a very short amount of time but I didn’t think that much of it. Again sorry my thoughts go every which way.
Anyway I decided to come back the next day and find out what was going on. When she got back from work she dropped the bomb on me… I don’t love you anymore, I don’t think I ever can love you that way. We are not the same people that we once were.. I want a divorce, I want it quick and I want it amicable. My jaw dropped. I had never heard or seen her act like this. No emotion at all it was over and done.
Of course I was in shock, I made up a list of things that I could do to fix myself, I went to the Dr. the next day, I started with the therapist within 3 days. I could not eat. She stayed in the house for 3 weeks, acting as if everything was over. Not talking but sleeping in same bed. She continued to chat and text and call whomever. I thought it was her sister and mother. She had no problem doing this with me in the room or even while we were in the bed together. “This really Hurts”. I My therapist didn’t tell me what to do he just said lets see what happens.
Anyway lots happens. She continues to do textbook how to have a mid life crisis. She tells me she is going out of town to mothers to talk and get stuff for her apartment. I sit around and come up with a story to tell or kids. And that is what I did. I told them all what a bad person I was and why mom was moving out. We even told my daughter that mom and moving into an apartment and daughter would move in so mom could show her how to do bill, clean and take care of herself.. That lasted 3 weeks. Daughter was smarter than dad and saw thru mom in no time at all. New she was not going where she said and was turning off cell phone when gone. Even found mom go her own cell phone.
I just took it all in stride I made up stories and didn’t confront W. let her do what she needed to do. I stayed at home an stared at the closed door. Thinking every time she would come over it would all snap back. (I still do this but not as much). She would email me, I would call it the tease, She would where her wedding ring tue – Friday when around the kids. If I saw her on the weekends it was off. I know that she still goes out of town almost every weekend goes along way has put 7000 miles on car in 3 months. Know one know where she goes. She doesn’t talk to her family at all anymore once the confronted her about the whom she claims is only a friend and had nothing to do with her leaving it was only after she left that it became an EA. I think that the knows what to do and has guided her down this path very well. I think that he even may have thought he was helping the situation when it started but that the opportunities changed for him also. Not sure I still do not know much and haven’t really tried to figure out to much. It hurts way to much. Just like typing this up hurts way to much.
I know I am crazy. I know she is crazy now. I finally got her to go to therapy and I know that the thepist told me I am doing fine and it would talk her a long time to get into W head.. And she felt that there was some hope who knows. At least she goes to therapy.
W also does go to bible study each week. Sits next to me. Wears her ring. It is like a switch when she wants to be married or appear that way she is but then she has a private life that none of us are to be apart of.
I have let this all go on for months. I have done little except beat myself up. Get closer to the church and my faith. Turned a lot of this over to God. I do talk with her mother and sister we use each other for understanding. I continue to see my therapist separately Her therapist said she would let me know when and if W wants to work on marriage.
I have not got a lawyer but I did tell her that I would not file for divorce and that was in her court. I did take off my ring and tried to give it back to her. She would not take it and then she did go to therapist. She continues to say I don’t know what I want or where I am going. I just want to find myself and where I want to go. She claims that she is not happy and may never find happiness.
I don’t want to mess up. I do want to repair this marriage and I don’t care that much if she did have an affair I feel it is a symptom of the bigger problem. I guess I am prepared to sit back and take care of me and the kids I am working hard to get to that point. I am making plans for the future. But I have not confronted her on really anything. I was kinda letting the therapist get to that. I may be wrong. I haven’t seen her do anything that has hurt us financially yet and hope it doesn’t come to that.
I just don’t know what to do next. I am like a whipped puppy. We are going into birthday season and the holiday season and I know it will be though on all of us but I am trying..
My kids have been great. They have been with me the whole time I am in the house and she is in an apartment on her own. I don’t know much more about her other life. I just don’t know what to do next.
I know this is confusing to read. If you have a question ask I will try to focus on an answer.
Hello, In Love Limbo.
Read through the other threads here. You'll learn a lot. You'll also see that you've made some classic faux pas in trying to get a handle on your wife's crisis. I'm not blaming you or judging you. I made plenty of mistakes myself.
So...learn from me! And the others here. Benefit from OUR mistakes.
The one thing I'd like to emphasize (other than getting your butt to a lawyer as quickly as possible) is to stop taking the blame for this. Your wife is almost certainly having sex with another man, and I don't care if she IS living in another apartment and I don't care if you got fat or that you weren't Ward Cleaver: she's still married to you. Why are you still attending Bible study with this adulteress? That's a sick farce on both your parts. And she puts her wedding ring on for the performance? Pathetic. You're enabling here. You understand that, right. Keep going to Bible study, but go by yourself, and don't sit with her. This isn't some play, and you're not playing a role. You are a married man whose wife is brazenly cheating on him. She moved out so she can have her affair without you getting in the way. And you tell your kids that you're the bad guy. That you're at fault. And you sit beside her in Bible study???? Has the class gone over adultery lately? That might be a good topic to bring up this week. If your wife is there, turn to her and ask her what she thinks God's view is of wives who run off on their husbands and fornicate with another man. Do it.
Is her boyfriend married? If he is, do whatever you need to do to out him to his wife. I'll bet you know the SOB. You went to high school with him, didn't you? Smear him all over town and to his parents. Make him squirm. Hurt him as bad as you can without getting arrested. Write a letter to his company's head of HR. I unleashed hell on earth on my ex-wife's moron, and it did wonders for my mental health.
Take your doormat costume off. Halloween's still a week away, and we're going to change themes. Put your Viking helmet on and go to war. Your wife has been kicking your ass up one side and down the other for months. Time to hit back. She'll exploit you and hurt you as long as you let her. Remember: she may be a woman in crisis, but she's still a woman. And NO woman respects a doormat. The "fair sex" despises weakness in a man.
Keep reading and keep posting.
Basil Duke
I have to agree with Basil. She has completely disrespected you, and your children. Don't lie to your kids. They need a role model and you are it, remember that.
You are now in a war that you don't want. None of us do. You let her flank you and attack you in the rear, while you thought she was negotiating in good faith.
Pull back, marshall the forces and hit back. When women in MLC feel they have control they will stomp you into dust. The best defense here is a good offense. Marshall up support from her family, friends co-workers. Identify the enablers and meet them head on. Tell your kids the truth, for sure they will not accept her behavior.
Get to a lawyer, find out your rights. Ban her from the house. Cut off all support emotional and financhial. This is a war your in and you do not need to supply the enemy.
Your feeling helpless because you don't know what to do. We have all been there. These are things I know you don't weant to do but she has thrust this upon you. most of all PROTECT your kids!!!
Read Basil's story, read mine, look at what we have done. Get that Viking helmet on and take the battle to her!!!
MLBHOME
Thanks Basil, I know I am being a doormat.. I have an idea who the OM is but I do not know for sure. Yes I do have hopes that by not being over the top that she may come back. Yes I still stare at the closed door some days. Yes I am trying to take my life back and do if for me. She did dicide to go to bible study with me to get closer to her faith also. I do know that she is wrestling with this and she is on a rollercoaster also. I see it. I know she is still in divorce Seperation mode and I have told her when I took of my ring and tossed it to her. It doesnt mean what it did to me and that if she wanted to continue down her path.. It was her path not mine. I would take the high road and be ther for my kids and me and that is the path I have been trying to follow since.
No I will not get a lawyer yet as I am not ready. I havent seen any signs that she is out for the house, Kids or money at this point and knowing my W or having known my W I dont see those as the important things in her life at least not now.
The Kids have been great, even better than I. They have not let her treat them like a doormat at all. They have all put her in her place. If anything I have played the protector of her thru this and have only recently backed off and told the kids hey do or say what you want.. I love her but I will not stand up for her any longer. They know I am not wearing my ring and they know why. They have all told me that I should just divorce her and move on because I am a better person than this.
I know what you are saying. I am just not all the way there yet. I still have hope. I know what switches went off in her head. I dont think I can flip them back being a door mat or should I say I dont think I have control of the switches. But I will get control of myself, My Kids and my household. I will leave her to herself at this point and not be the door mat. But again I am not ready to push it to the next level yet. I do hope that the theripist will help get her there but only time will tell. It has only been a few months for me. I still have the happy 25 years that I had with her and yes I hope that at some point we will have more but do I fully believe it will happen? at the moment it think 10% chance at best.
I will keep reading and keep posting.
inlovelimbo
Well, Love in Limbo, I appreciate where you're coming from. I really do. I was in denial for a while, too. (And I don't say that to mock you, or to impy that I'm better than you.) The point is: your fall is going to be even harder and more painful if you don't detach right now from her - and stop hoping that somehow, she'll come back. The odds are hugely against that. And even if she ever did "come back," things will be very, very different. She is an entirely different woman than the gal you've known for so many years. That person is dead.
And she's not going to rise from the grave.
You've got to start living for the living - you and your offspring.
You really need to rethink the lawyer issue. An MLC woman is capable of ANY outrage and act of patented lunacy. You'll be doing yourself and your children a grave disservice by not at least hearing from an attorney what rights you have - and what you need to do to protect yourselves financially. There's every chance that your wife could take this to a level unimagineable to you.
And if I were you, I'd put my ring back. Just to demonstrate to her that as far as you're concerned, you're still a married man - and maintaining your vows.
Sorry you're here, but I'm glad you found us.
And, yes, read MLB's story. He's been through the fires of hell, and his feet are still smoldering, but he's rallying more and more every day.
Basil Duke
Thanks Basil, If I'm rallying, ( which I hope I am, at least alittle) it's thanks to you and Shep.
LIL, I was not ready for the attny part either, and I understand not being ready to go that far. If you look through my posts of this past August you'll find one in which I just couldn't bring myself to go, and this is even with my W leaving a second time, and LIVING with the OM.
Read Shep's and Basil's responses to me, as they both were a great help. I did go just for information, NOT to take action, but just to see what's what. Just that visit gave me piece of mind. Then 3 wks later my W served me divorce papers at my daughter's HS volleyball game. That's why Basil is counseling the unimaginable is possible. On that Monday I called the attny, faxed the paperwork to him, went to the hearing and crushed her.
You have to protect yourself at all times. Assume nothing. If she is involved with OM even if it's an EA YOU have no idea what he is telling her, and believe me she will believe ANYTHING he is telling her.
DETACH!!!.. Put the wall of DETACHMENT up. Basil is right if you do not do some things now, your fall will be harder, and getting up longer, and you will still have to get in the game.
I was hoping my wife would come back too. She is still living with OM, 35 miles from her children, sued me for divorce but got spanked in court due to her behavior, so that she lost custody of our daughter, (our son is 18, and he has not seen nor communicated with his mother since she left the second time) lost the house, no spousal support, she will be paying me in excess of 25% of her net monthly pay in child support, and she will take on all her expenses that I now pay.
So she is with this idiot that parks cars for a dealership she used to work for, she quit that job, has no relationship with her son, barely one with her daughter, none with her family, none with her friends
none with me, lives in OM 1 bdrm apt 35 miles away, and is broke, clinicly depressed, looks like a chemo cancer pt, all for what?? She says the OM is "funny".
I have known her since the 3rd grade, started dating at 17, married at 24, and been married 24 years, and YES the unimaginable IS possible
Protect yourself....MLBHOME
I am trying to hold myself together.. I hear you both, I know it is killing me inside. I know I need to stay strong I know I need to be here for my kids and family, I know all of this but I feel like I just have to be there for her also. I have always been her rock. I know that it doesnt matter to her. But it does to me.
I will put my ring back on but I took it off because it was a reminder to me of the love that she has for me. That I dont feel any longer. That is why I aways have a problem with her wearing the ring that I gave her. If she doesnt want to be in this marriage or with me then take it off and move forward. If you want to have a divorce then move on and get the divorce. I know it is the have you cake and eat it to my mother has been saying that to me for months.
Yes I am spinning my wheels. I love my wife! I dont care about OM symtom of a problem. I guess what I wrestle with most is time. How long do I go on hurting? When will I know it is the right time?
Maybe that is why I am here now maybe I know this is the time..
Yes what both of you are saying is hurtful to me.. Yes that is a good thing because I know you are right and that is why it hurts.
I just want to be the one that it works out for. I dont want to be the better person and not be hurtful to her.
I want to be a great person, Father and Husband. and yes I know I am in a lot of respect. Basil I read your thread and have been looking for where you are now.
I wil read MLBHOME's later today. Way to much emotion with me at the moment.
inlovelimbo
Then let me chime in also.
No you do not love your W - you love the person you thought she was. You are in love with the myth you are creating around her - because you cannot have her. She is a cruel adulteress who is spending your money having sex with another man (having photo's is not required), unless your assets have been legally split................if she had treated you like this and made it known when you were dating that she was sleeping around - would you have continued to date her? If so - you need to be in therapy for a loooooong time.
Your Mother and the Bible condemn her actions - yet you still fawn over her.....................you need to find out what you so lack in your life - that would cause you to continue to subject yourself to this kind of abuse for (I would suggest reading up on co-dependency).
The longer you sit around pining your life away waiting for her return - the longer you are just wasting the time God gave you to enjoy his creation. It's time to pull up your big-boy pants and start living life - not living in fear that if you breath at the wrong time your W will leave "NEWS FLASH - SHE IS ALREADY GONE!!!". YOu are worried about rocking the boat and she got out of the boat and went swimming in another lake a while back - and you seem to be the only one who's not getting it.
You will not get over or past this as long as your life and hope are based on her return - because the chances are she's not coming back. You will not move forward or get past this when you continue to focus on the past and what was (lawyers are not for when we are ready - they are for when we need them - and you need them - OM has your W, he may also have eyes for your money, possessions and children............my exW's OM wanted to "help" raise my kids because he did not have any)....................even if she came back - what was is dead and over, you have to start from scratch. And as much as most think they want to have their spouse back, that they'll just forgive and forget........................forget you will not and it will take many years of much harder time then what you are experienceing now to reconcile (my 2nd go around with MLC was my W's - no affair and reconciliation was still far from easy).
So far you have allowed your W her fantasy life....................why would she change anything?
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