Shocked - wife wants divorce and not go to therapy

eeyore:

Start reading everything you can here at the forum.  It sounds to me like she is entering the MLC zone...especially if she is having an EA with another man.  End this relationship immediately..this is where she is getting her power at this moment...from the fact that she thinks she has somewhere to fall.    

YOU must detach from the emotion of what is happening...your wife is trying to escape her problems through the OM and the depression.  Depression is anger turned inward....anxiety is the same thing.  There is a lot going on in her life as far as her family, approaching mid-life...your son's issues with ADD.  DO NOT allow her to rush you to divorce.  Tell her that you will consider what she wants IF she will agree to counseling.  Breaking up your family will be devastating to your son at this point and your daughter needs a mother ...not another friend.

eeyore...you can't be an eeyore in this situation...You must take control with knowledge and understanding of MLC .  I would immediately get to the lawyer and find out what your rights will be.  DO NOT LEAVE your home!!!You must remain there for your children.  Your focus must be on yourself and the care of your children.  Your wife is not going to be focused on them...the way that they will need.  

You are in the right place...come here and ask question...read, read , read...GO to the lawyer...make sure your finances are in order and she is not using credit or opening other accounts...put notifications on your accounts so you are aware of what is coming and going.

Shepherdess

"I just can't understand why she won't try therapy and is just done."

Probably because she's been running silent with her MLC for a long, long time - and you were utterly oblivious to it, just like most of us. Think of her as a pot full of water - with a lid on it. For months, if not years, that water's been coming to a boil, while you assumed the heat wasn't even on. Now that the lid's blown off and you've had boiling water tossed in your face, you're wondering what in the hell hit you. Don't beat yourself up. The "running silent" tactic is one of the nastier aspects of these situations. And most common. It's almost as though the women don't WANT to be stopped; they want to be left to simmer until they're a roiling cauldron of scorching water.

But first things first: read ALL the threads on this board. Every single one of them. Educate yourself. There are numerous men here who've already been through what you're about to endure. You can pick up useful survival pointers from us. But I caution you: much of what you read will probably depress you. But that's the reality of where you're at: in a very depressing and dangerous place.

Don't delude yourself into thinking that your wife is just going to miraculously change back. She won't. And even if she does return to earth, she'll be a radically changed person. Your old wife is gone forever.

The "other man" is a bundle of lit dynamite. And he'll blow your family into atoms if you don't take very, very assertive and hardball action against him. You need to immediately - but humanely - inform the man's wife that her husband is, at the very least, involved in a highly inappropriate emotional relationship with your wife. Do NOT warn either your wife or this scumbag that you're going to rat them out. If you do, that'll give them time to develop a more or less plausible cover story for their relationship. Shine a light on this rat, and send him back to his hole. Be prepared to back up your allegations to his wife - whether it's through emails or text histories, or whatever. Otherwise, you'll just be disregarded as a nutty, needlessly jealous husband. Have your evidence ready!

Don't grovel or plead with your wife. You've got to be strong and self-confident right now. It's key.

Again, read the posts here. Find "Basil Duke: An Introduction" and "Basil Duke: An Update" and you'll likely see a lot of similarities in your own situation.

And keep posting.

Basil Duke 

Great that you are going to the therapist...YOU should be getting yourself to the Lawyer also...it is the lawyer who will be able to strategize the best for you to counter HER lawyer's strategy...the therapist won't be able to do anything other than advise you on how to handle the situation mentally/emotionally.  A lawyer will be able to tell you if you can insist on therapy or if it is required before a judge will rule on a separation or divorce.  I do believe in Virginia attending a certain number of marriage therapy sessions is required during the separation period.  

So...though I think it is great that you are going to therapy...You MUST also know what you legal rights are in this situation.  The more you know in the category AND the more YOU protect yourself from having the rug pulled out from under you...the more control and stronger YOU will feel. I fear you are sticking you head in the sand...eeyore...stop sitting on the hill and wishing on the stars with Pooh Bear...Your wife is off to see the Wizard...in a totally different story...if you don't watch out you will be attacked by the Flying Monkeys.  Your Dorothy's confidence comes from the fact that she KNOWS that you are ignoring the signs...that you are in a totally different fantasy tale.  She is going to blindside you , my friend...I see it coming...you are not accepting where she is at...SHe means what she is saying...she wants a divorce and she is off to see the lawyer to get it in motion.  NO therapist is going to stop that unless a Judge steps in and says so.

Wake up...GET to YOUR OWN LAWYER!!!

Shepherdess

A lot of these MLC women go to therapy a couple of times and then quit. That way, they can tell their family and pals "Hey, I tried therapy. But the problem wasn't with me." It's all for show. They're not serious about getting help, because they don't think there's anything wrong with them. Remember the template: husband wicked and controlling; woman strong and finally moving on.

Stop blaming yourself. You couldn't have done a thing to stop this. Would you blame yourself if your wife came up from behind you and cracked your skull open with a croquet mallet? Same thing. Okay, so maybe you bought her the croquet set, and your head WAS there, ripe for the splitting - but that didn't give her the right to wallop you.

As far as acceptance goes, that's a long road, friend - one we'll all walk for the rest of our lives. But it does get better. I swear to you, it does. The pain ebbs, and the valleys aren't so deep and frequent. It is agony, though, no doubt about it. But you're not alone!

Start living for YOU, and detach from the wife. Stay out of the path of the storm.

Basil Duke 

I would also add keep your cards close to the vest,  do not let her know what you are up to.
You are in a war now, and you should not let the enemy know what forces you are marshalling for the offensive.

A women in MLC will preach all kinds of bravado when they feel they have control. Let preach her bravado. Quietly work behind the scenes, be mysterious, get her to start guessing what u are up to.

This is a serious mind game and your in it whether you want to or not, and you have to be at the top of your game. As an attny you know you have provide representation w/o emotion or prejudice, you have to do that here. This is not the women you know, it looks like her but you are fighting evil, the devil, and you need to protect yourself, any kids you have as this thing that looks like your wife will crush what's in it's path. Read my posts, I have done all I can for my W, but now I listened to Shep and Basil and have done a ordered withdrawal, a redeployment, and went on the offensive and crushed her in court last week on the first hearing of the divorce she brought on me.

I have and am where you are. The emotions, the loss, the betrayal, the helplessness, yes I am there. If not for Basil and Shep, who eletronicly holds my hand thru all this emotion I woild have been out of the game long ago and my daughter would be w/ the devil and her OM.

I meditate, I have been to counseling, I take meds, I workout in the gym, and most importantly I try to keep my life going as this fight is not over yet. I won a battle ..a big battle, and the evil is on it's heels, but it will be back and this evil fights with no rules, and niether will I and niether should you.

Keep posting,

MLBHOME

That is great that YOU are a lawyer...but remember the old saying about someone represents them selves in court..."They have a fool for a lawyer".  I am glad you are going to a lawyer...you are not in the right state of mind to be unbiased or be able to strategize for yourself.  Listen to MLB and Basil.

Shepherdess

eeyore,

I only write to tell you to follow the advice that you are being given here.  My situation started somewhere late in 2006, but I didn't get the bomb drop until Oct. 2007.  For the first 6-9 months, I did almost everything wrong.  I am still paying for that mistake.
Consider these next few months as the first moves in a chess match.  (or pick some other sports anaology).  You need to be paying attention to every move she makes and considering carefully each move you make in return.  Better yet, be proactive and take the initiate so that you are not playing on her terms.  Winning a chess match is hard enough without losing all your strongest pieces before you know whats happening.  Learn as much as possible so that nothing she does will surprise you.  Trust me on this, you have no idea how much more crazy it will get as she gets desperate and starts changing personalities at a whim. 

This is not a game, so the metaphore may be out of place, but your situation requires a plan, a commitment and and an acceptance that your W is no longer your partner and friend.  She is you opponent at best and most likely your enemy.

Best of Luck and love and protect those kids!  They are yours and need you to be strong for them.

We are here when you need.  I am glad you are following through...this will give you strength, though it doesn't feel that way now...but it will...I assure you.  Keep us posted.

Shepherdess

Eeyore,

Welcome to the battle. I had asked my wife if she was proceeding with divorce plans, and she lied to my face that she was not, and then the next week I got served at my daughters HS volleyball game, and the day I asked her and she denied it ...was the day it was filed in court!.

Women in MLC as Basil pointed out and Shep, get very brave and talk smack when they feel they are in control. That is why Shep is instructing you the way she is to lawyer up, learn what your rights are, what you can and can't do, and what she can and can't due.

Don't talk smack back to her, let her rant. She will try to push your emotional buttons and don't fall for it. Put the poker face on, detach, speak calmly and very business like, direct and to the point.

If you go back through my posts you will find that Shep and Basil gave me the same instructions as you about lawyering up. I didn't want to do it, if you read the post you'll see why. I could not bring myself to do it. But with their help I did, just for information purposes. But when I got served we hit the ground running, and while she had a lot of bravado 3 days before the temp.orders hearing, she didn't say squat in the courtroom and caved to my every demand, one because she was totally at blame and two while she thought as a women and a mother that would trump her affair, and co-habitation with OM, not in Texas. She lost everything, and will be paying me in excess of 25% of her net pay each month...OUCH!!

The point is....the woman you knew is gone......the evil has taken over, and that is what is trying to destroy your life. You can't feed it emotions, or common sense. She cares nothing for you, just herself, and POS OM.

By following Sheps instructions it also helps remove the feeling of helplessness that you have, of the world collapsing around you. Get with your lawyer and figure out your game plan. Believe me I'll bet this is not his first rodeo in dealing with MLC. Get with your therapist and work out a plan for yoursel and your emotional staus. It will be hard, believe me I know. I'm full of pi$$ and vinager today but it's peaks and valleys. I'm on day 4 of a peak, but the valley awaits.

Keep your routine, get with friends, family, eat right, and SLEEP.

MLBHOME

eeyore,
 EXPOSE the affair to the OM's W - and chances are the wind will go out of the bravado sail.
 
1st - exposing the affair to the light takes away the secrecy - which is part of the thrill of doing wrong but not getting caught.............this reduces the wind in the sail.
 
2nd - chances are OM is a POS and only wants a quick piece on the side to brag to his buddies.............the MLC'er is the one who believes they are with their "soul mate" (usually they are just being used but as reality no longer applies............why confuse them with the facts?).
 
3rd - Marriage is between a Man and Woman, not a Woman and 2 Men. DO NOT put up with this disrespect, after the affair is exposed to the OM's W - draw the line in the sand, no OM contact or ask her if she wants her stuff packed in paper or plastic..................then start packing her stuff for her.
 
4th - take care of you and the kids, your W has cut her ties to the marriage and will have to take care of herself and find her own way back.....................or this will just keep going. DO NOT keep the focus on the marriage, that IS NOT the problem - it is only the problem in YOUR mind..............and an excuse in your W's - the problems are hers internally, and you can't fix them and neither can marriage counseling.
 
This is a long journey - and it can be more painful if you keep trying to put your fingers in all the holes in the Dam (FIXIGN A MARRIAGE WHILE SHE IS TRYING TO HAVE AN AFFAIR).......................because sooner or later you will realize - you can't plug all of the holes and you have just wasted allot of time trying.......................Take you and the kids to higher ground - the dam will hold or break with or with out your trying to keep it from breaking...................and if you are still standing in front of the dam when it falls.......................I think you can get the picture.

You need to out the other man to his wife. Blow him out of the water. Make HIS life hell.

Hell, yeah, you're angry at her family and friends. One of the many things I've learned since my ex detonated her bomb is that MLC women collect "friends" who either actively encourage their adultery or don't say a negative word about it ("She was there for me"). They won't tolerate any sort of criticism or logic from their allies. And the family? Well, if they're anything like my ex-in-laws, they shirk from taking any sort of action that would make the MLC woman "mad." Passive-aggressive to a person, these fools sat mute while their daughter/sister/niece/sister-in-law ran off the cliff with scissors in both hands. I have a quarter-century history with my ex's family - and it's a big one, with a total of eleven kids and a couple dozen nieces, nephews, etc. - and I haven't heard a word from any of them in the last 13 months. Oh, wait - my ex-mother-in-law DID send me a Christmas card last year with the following inscription: "It's a tough time for all of us."
 
Sniff, sniff.
 
Any way, that business about throwing in the towel concerns me. You're badly mistaken if you think this fight is over. Man, it's actually just started. So get ready. What's really happened is that you've pulled back from a woman who doesn't want to be married to you. You've stopped bashing your head against her MLC brick wall. Can't "save" a marriage when half the partnership doesn't want to be married.
 
So, you're executing a strategic withdrawal, which is precisely what you HAVE to do.
 
Your sleeping pattern is going to be unhinged for a while. I went on about three hours of sleep for at least two months. I'd finally drift off at around midnight, and then get up at 3 a.m. Every single morning. And I stopped eating. Bad combination, but there wasn't a thing I could do about it. Lived on cigarettes and coffee for a long time.
 
Find your combat helmet and prepare for action!
 
This is a war situation.
 
And please, PLEASE out your spouse's "friend" to his wife.
 
Stick to your insistence about telling your kids the truth. Do NOT let your wife spin this to make it seem as though you're at fault or though it's mutual - or that she doesn't have (at the very least) a highly inappropriate male friend. It was a rotten thing, having to explain to my kid that his family was exploding because his mother had taken a boyfriend young enough to be her own son, but that was entirely her own decision. And she had/has to live with it for the rest of her life.
 
Keep posting.
 
Basil Duke

WoW...I am so sorry eeyore.  I am not convinced that every therapist would advise this to a couple.  It is important that your Wife be engaged in the marriage therapy, but many times therapists do encourage a couple to go anyways.  Many times the individual has their counselor convinced of the rewritten history that the wife has concocted to justify their leaving.  

My experience:  One of my first counselors (I had three different one's until I found one that actually helped me instead of harmed the situation) proclaimed to me one day that she thought that my husband was a sex addict and an emotional/verbal abuser.  She encouraged me in every aspect to leave my marriage AND to get my children away from my husband.  Now, there were issues that could fall in these categories BUT they were not to the extent that this therapist had proclaimed them to be.  She also did not think that marriage counseling would work at this time....we had tried it before...it never helped because neither one of us was ready to meet in the middle and work together.  We were keeping score...we had actually taken sides against one another long before the MLC Blast-off.  

I can guarantee that if the therapist is NOT encouraging that the two of attend therapy together at least once a month or suggesting a couple's retreat to work on your issues...you are probably right in throwing in the towel....HER THERAPIST HAS JUST BECOME ONE OF HER ENABLERS.

Have you heard of Martial Mediation?  I have a client that is using martial mediation as way to get through the difficult time...telling the kids, helping the kids adjust...making sure that she and her husband are indeed making the right decision.  If you need more information on this I can give it to you.  Again, your wife needs to be on board with the process.  

I will tell you this one thing...IF your wife is NOT willing to go to marriage therapy, a couple's retreat...consider martial mediation....You can bet that there is an OM  or at least the possibility of one in the background.  Her rush to divorce or separation is to relieve herself of the guilt of what she is planning on doing.  I have seen this before in some marriages....the wife is quick to get the divorce because she knows she wants to embark on another relationship ...is even planning it...but will not give herself permission to do it until she is divorced.  She eliminates the idea of an affair by divorcing quickly ....then with hours of the divorce papers being signed the OM is on the scene...even moved in...He was always silently in the background ("Just a friend!")waiting for your Wife to become an EX, which will allow her to have a legitimate boyfriend and not be considered an affair.

Just some thoughts...we are here when you need.

Shepherdess