WoW !! In the midst of an MLC a woman would give a million bucks to have her cake and eat it too...BUT it doesn't mean that she won't get fat or that it is good for her or those she lives with....IN FACT, a woman in MLC is banking on the fact that her husband will see it her way.

Please give us some more information before I will respond further.  What is your ages?  Where do you live?  I ask this because culturally some cultures are more relaxed about a woman or a man having a lover. You seem to easily except the fact that your wife has taken on a lover.  If this isn't a factor WHY would you go along with this arrangement knowing:

 

"I've told her that he relationship with the other man is killing me and that we can't go on forever like this. I want the person who I love to love me equally. Not just love me in parts. It's just not right for a wife to have a boyfriend and where had her morals gone?"

- leoblue

We are both 49 and live in the UK. A godless place where adultery appears commonplace and features in most television soap opera type programs these days.

I've not easily accepted that she has a lover, although at first I was made to feel that it was me who had behaved badly causing my wife's unhappiness. I made a few changes, paid her more attention, listened, we both joined a gym, had the hairs on my back removed (!) but nothing I do makes her want her lover any less.

I went along with the arrangement because short of threatening divorce, I didn't see how I could influence her. My thoughts were okay, I've not been perfect and she has supported me for all these years I should give her more space. Of course little did I realise that her feelings for this man would deepen. I thought that she just wanted to feel young and have some fun and then get over it.

The other man was trying to understand why my wife felt as she did and read the same Women's Infidelity books that I had found on the internet. He was trying to help us rebuild but got in too deep. He's a lonely man, 30, lives with his parents some distance away but works and rents a room about an hour from us.

I don't want to divorce her but really can't bear my wife giving her mind and body to someone else. So what do I do? Live with it until one of us cracks?

She's rubbing this in your face - grossly disrespecting you.

Divorce her.

Go back and read my story ("Basil Duke: An Introduction" and "Basil Duke: An Update"), and you'll see where this is headed. The punk isn't going to back off because he's addicted to the drama and sex, and your wife isn't going to back off because she's just plain addicted.

It's as simple as that.

You can't allow this to continue. For your own mental health (and dignity), shot put her out of your life.

Yeah, I know, easier said than done. But here's the thing: I've actually done it. And yet here I sit - alive and in charge of MY life, and my son's life, while my ex continues to literally evaporate. She's down to about 85 pounds right now, and is stoney broke and alone. (Yep, as soon as the divorce was filed and I outted the scumbag at work, he ditched my ex; not so much fun when all you're doing is fornicating with a middle-aged scarecrow with no money and a teenaged son who repeatedly bellows "F*** off, Eddie, you freak! at you everytime he catches his mother talking on the phone to you.)

You're smack in your wife's funnel cloud. Take away her power, and leap out.

Basil Duke

I think Basil said it all...I must agree>

Shepherdess

Thank you Basil and Shepherdess for your comments. I was hoping that you had heard of similar stories where the marriage had been saved. I am fully aware that she hasn't been behaving correctly and respectfully towards me. I have tolerated what's happened and is happening because I felt that the hormonal changes that brought about the crisis were to blame and not that my wife had chosen with complete freewill and malice to do and say the things she has.

She says that she is confused. She doesn't have many friends and doesn't want to lose anybody. I told her yesterday that she can't have a boyfriend and be married and that this has got to stop. The choice is hers, Divorce or end the physical relationship with him. She could see that I was serious.

I pray that she will choose to stay married.

leoblue:

It very well may be that her hormones are propelling her to act in this way BUT...everything still comes down to the fact that she is makes choices that are hurting YOU and your family.  

I realize that many cultures do not promote monogamous relations...but humans beings in society so eagerly ready to jump on to a lifestyle that encourages and celebrates a sinful way of life.  There is a reason why the Bible says not to commit adultery...because it will hurt others, it breaks down the family and turn the couple away from one another so they will not live as one. 

I am really quite in shock that this man who takes the pleasure of pleasuring YOUR wife was actively reading woman and infidelity books and trying to help you with your wife to end the affair. REALLY?  I think this guy has you all wrapped...both he and your wife have you wrapped around their manipulating fingers.  She is confused because NO ONE is giving her boundaries...she probably never had boundaries or at least had them but didn't know how to keep them.

 
I pray that she will choose to stay married.

-leoblue

Dear , leoblue:...why are you giving this woman so much control and power over you and your children's lives?  She is in no state to make decisions for herself let alone others.  If she decides to leave then so be it.  Do you not see how she is making a fool of you...using you ?  A woman who is having cake and eating it too...is also standing on a doormat while eating it.....the OM is always the cake...so who is the doormat in your story?   Do you like being a doormat?  If not...time to pull the doormat in and tell her to choose ...if it isn't you then she leaves and goes to live with OM buddy-boy and you stay in your home with your son.  Let the OM support her...he is taking care of everything else.

Shepherdess

The critical fact that most of us don't understand until it's far too late is that once a woman gives herself permission to committ adultery, the marriage is almost always doomed. When she takes that lover - and either she or you moves out of the marital home - your old life is over, probably 99 percent of the time. There's something in the female mindset that says: "Well, I have certainly taken a drastic step, and I can't turn back. Something this drastic MUST mean that I'm madly and deeply in love with the Other Man." And by the time she realizes the other man is a predatory loser, her pride won't let her admit the mistake. Or she concedes the mistake but decides she really DOES enjoy her life without you - even if her children hate her and the neighbors think she's a demented slut.

It's insanely painful and maddening, I know, Leo. And I'm not saying these things to deflate you. I just don't want to see you - or any other man - build up false hope, only to have another MLC lance shoved into your heart.

You've got to be deadly serious about this. Play hardball with that wife of yours. She's lived an outrage of a life for the last two years. Get a lawyer next week, and file. Don't wait for her any longer. You've waited long enough.Time for you to start establishing a life without her. YOU deserve to have a life, too, you know. And stop beating yourself up over what you may or may have not have done earlier in the marriage. Nobody's perfect. Even if you HAD been perfect, she would have done the MLC thing, any way.

Keep us posted, and good luck with your counter-offensive. It's been a long time in coming. Make it count.

Basil Duke

Last weekend I restated my position to my Wife that she could not have a boyfriend and be married to me. This started a weekend of crying for her. In fact on Sunday when she would normally support me at the race meeting she stayed in her car and cried all day. Then on Tuesday she and the other man met in the evening and she didn't get home until 2am. She tells me that that they had both spent most of the time crying together.

Wednesday morning she phoned her boss at work to say that she wasn't coming in and her boss (female) told her to take the rest of the week off unpaid to sort her life out.

Since the weekend there has been a distinct cooling of affection from her as if there was no longer any point on keeping me on-side and happy now that I'd spoilt her little game.

I'm assuming from her sad appearance that they've realised that they can only be friends. Of course I've been deceived before so I'm not believing what I'm seeing, although she does look a wreck, so maybe.

Does anyone have any experience of the 'break free from the affair' program by Dr Robert Huizenga or 'Saving your marriage' by Dr Frank Gunzburg ?

Or are these just scams written for the gullible at a time when they are most hurting?

Perhaps I'm doing what I should have done months ago, but don't want to miss a trick if there's something to be gained from these type of programs

Thanks for listening

 Does anyone have any experience of the 'break free from the affair' program by Dr Robert Huizenga or 'Saving your marriage' by Dr Frank Gunzburg ?

-leoblue

Thanks for the clarity there Shepherdess. I hadn't spotted Dr Huizenga's AD on the side of the screen. Anyway I know now for certain that anything that appears on the site has your approval. That's what I needed to be sure of. Thanks.

I've ordered the Walk out Woman book and will see if my wife will read it.

You should read the book also...it is really for both of you.  In fact, don't give it to her at all...start reading it and leave it around OR read and then send it on to her if she is not living at home.

Most women are in denial and refuse to read any books, web sites or materials that their husband gets for them...they see it as controlling  You might consider giving it to a friend or a sibling to give her...someone who she will accept help and advice from at this time.

For the MLC woman...it is not their husband. 

Just a suggestion...

Shepherdess

Amazon say the Walk out Woman has been sent, so I might get it in a few days. By which time my wife may not stumble across it at home because she may not be here.

"I think maybe I need some time away from you to decide my future and to stop the day to day hurt I'm causing us all." is what she said to me today. As BasilDuke would have expected she will not back down over the affair with the OM despite my threat to divorce her. Says that "her feelings have changed and I must try to accept it"

Divorce is such a grim and final act and I don't think that all the avenues have been explored as yet. She doesn't want to divorce but isn't prepared to work on our marriage either and I don't want push through something that leaves us hating each other.

So separation does appear to be the next step. I don't know where she might go or even if she and the OM will set up together. I won't be helping financially though.

"A part of me will always love you but not as you would like/want. I have, as you say fallen for JD but I don't think you need to rush into divorce unless you feel it's something you have to or want to do."   ......is she in MLC or was all of this the inevitable outcome from a girl whose mother left when she was 9 and whose Brother and Sister have been divorced twice? Her brother who rather helpfully told her to do "whatever makes you happy" on Sunday. How facile is that.

I'd appreciate your comments as the whether or not this is the most sensible course of action. I hate the idea of her not being with me and my son but perhaps the pain will be less without her and perhaps (dreaming again) she may find that the grass wasn't greener after all. At least I won't be wondering what she is texting or emailing the OM because I won't be seeing her doing it.

I've realised that nothing that I say or do will bring her round so I suppose that she needs the experience of day to day life on her own. I can't help her.

Thanks

Sorry, man.
 
Okay, so you got "the talk." I heard almost the exact same crap from my ex-wife. Don't try to analyze it, or sift through it for some tiny fragment of hope, because the lines you got are pure MLC bulls***. Straight off the standard script. They mean nothing and they mean everything.

This is where you start taking care of yourself and your children like a mama grizzly defends her cubs.

Do NOT engage your wife any further on the subject of her mental state. Do not try to figure out when she's going to "get better." She's not going to get better. Plus, she has a boyfriend - and she's married to you. Kick her butt out of the house and divorce her.

Right now.

Pack her crap for her if you have to, but get her out ASAP. She's toxic. She will suck the life right out of you if you let her. Stop playing around.

I'll write more later, but I have to take my son to divorce therapy. Ahhh, MLC: like herpes, it's the gift that never stops giving.

Basil Duke  

Basil

I don't know how it works in the USA but if I divorce her then despite the fact that she 'did the dirty' so to speak, she is entitled to half of everything. I can't afford to pay her for her half of what our house is worth. Better that I let her find out what it's like on the outside and then there is a chance that she may have that AHA moment. This way I get to keep living in the family home with my son. This seems to me to be the initial step on letting go from the relationship rather than putting the jack boots in.

Perhaps there are differences between UK and US divorce law based on blame?

I do believe that it is very different here in the States...the UK seems to lean more toward the Mum...I am doing some research on this topic, so I can write an article on the difference btwn UK and USA.  I am even looking for a UK Expert  that might be willing to check in with us here to help on these sorts of matters...or at least give an opinion.  YET...

You can still make it very clear about the way you feel about all of this happening...just because you are in the UK and the woman seems to have the upper hand doesn't mean you have to be a doormat.  The woman is still having an affair before her marriage has ended. How is this good role modeling for your children?...it isn't in any culture.  No fault divorce...split it down the middle...have an affair and throw away your family...what have we come to?

Shepherdess  

Wife was out with the OM last night and so I didn't see her till this morning, when she burst into tears. She's still can't make a decision and the boyfriend is leaving it to her to decide what she wants. They did talk about getting a place together but it doesn't sound like he wants to commit. They are both cake eaters.

She says that must still love me as why else would she feel so confused. Apart from ruining my life by filing for divorce I can't see any solution but to let matters run along a bit further. I know it's not a good example to show my sons but I've talked about it with them and they know that it's not right.

I thought that she was going to leave yesterday but this morning she doesn't want to. I think that we still have a marriage worth saving. Quite how is another thing.

She burst into tears because her boyfriend had just taken the wind out of her Emerald City sails. He's panicking and backing off because the only thing he wants off your wife is sex. Of course he doesn't want to commit. This is probably something the bastard does as a matter of routine: pick the low-hanging fruit, exploit it and then discard when his prey starts making noises about "getting our own place." Can't you see that? The only reason why your wife started blubbering about how she probably loves you is that you're her hind pocket option - the fallback guy, second fiddle. Her soulmate backed away and she's trying to reassure herself that she's still got you on the line.

And she apparently does.

How can you possibly tolerate her going out on dates while you're still living in the same house? You say 'I know it's not a good example to show my sons," and you're absolutely right. The only trouble is, you're not doing anything about it. You continue to let it happen because you've convinced yourself that your marriage is salvageable. "Deluded" is more like it. Your wife will be gone just as soon as the next predatory scum starts sniffing her.

I know you're probably reading this and thinking, 'Who in the hell is this Yank to be judging me like this? The laws are different here in Britain."

Well, Leo, here's the deal: the female mind isn't influenced at all by international boundaries. You could be living in a hut in the Brazillian jungle for all I care: an MLC woman is still an MLC woman. English, American, Swedish, German. I can tell you stories about women from each and every one of these countries - and they're all pretty much alike, all do the same stupid crap and stick the same knives in their husbands' backs.

I say to you with almost 100 percent certainty that the approach/strategy you're taking with this woman is doomed to fail. It cannot work. You're exposing your belly to a rabid wolverine -showing fatal weakness, playing the doormat. And your sons are watching.

This is your opportunity to demonstrate to your boys that a man CAN show strength and nobility of character in the face of horrible adversity. Make your wife leave the house - immediately. Divorce seems to be a bad idea - considering British laws, so I'm backing away from that. But for now, you must get her cheating butt out of your home. She is going on dates, for God's sake!!!!!

And do a number on her boyfriend. Blow him out of the water. Make him pay. HURT HIM in every possible legal way you can think of.

Basil Duke 

"Adultery and Divorce

In cases of divorce, adultery is one of the five main grounds by which a petition may be filed in England and Wales. A divorce can be granted if it can be shown that one party to a marriage has committed adultery. This is defined as one party to a marriage having sexual relations outside of marriage with another person of the opposite sex, and it is only available to the innocent party, meaning the person who did not have the affair.

A petition for divorce must be brought within six months of the innocent party finding out that the adultery has been committed. If you are thinking about divorcing your partner on the grounds of adultery then you should consider discussing your case with a solicitor specialising in divorce. Adultery can be a key component to divorce cases, and a divorce solicitor will be able to talk you through the process of making an adultery-based divorce and the time limits you have to petition for that divorce.

In applying for a divorce, the innocent spouse should gather evidence on the alleged affair. The evidence would be required by the court to prove the affair occurred. This may include things like dates, times and places. It is important to note that the 'co-respondent' (the person with whom the adulterous affair took place) does not have to be named in a petition for divorce. By doing this you would bring the co-respondent into the divorce proceedings and it is unlikely that co-respondent would co-operate with your divorce petition."

- Contact Law

The above quote I got from Contact Law Web site out of the UK.  I have spent a bit of time this morning researching divorce law in the UK.  Our friends from the UK are very right the courts make it very difficult and expensive to push Adultery as a grounds for divorce...though I did see ways to insist on legal separation, which a person could use as way of making a point and while gathering evidence proving an adultery allegation.  The custody of children is a totally separate legal event and from what I read a divorce where adultery was cited as the cause for the marriage end has NO place in the child custody hearing.  They are two separate legal events....I believe.  Please correct me if I am wrong.

In any case...the fact that your wife is DATING while still living under your roof ...in front of you and your kids is just plain ridiculous..and the fact that you are allowing it.  Tell her to end it or you will go and file for a legal separation... Give her an ultimatum...you don't need the legal system to make your wife do what is right and good...appeal to her sensibilities...her moral and ethical code....if she isn't totally off the hook.  Woman who are married do NOT DATE!!!  What makes her think or YOU for that matter...think that she can have a boyfriend while still being a wife and a mother and remaining in your home?  I have contacted a UK solicitor to interview and get some answers, so we here at WINMLC are not pushing any of you to do or say things that you can not back up by law.  I am really quite frustrated with the fact that many of the guys from the UK are left with no recourse and are basically getting walked all over by their MLC wives...just because the law doesn't recognize this changing trend in women's behavior.

In any case...you need to make her choose...tell if she chooses him...then she leaves.  You will work out the legal details later.  Stop enabling this behavior...she is using you big time and you are not being a good role model for your boys...you are teaching them that women can walk all over them.

Shepherdess 

Basil   The OM was a virgin before he seduced my wife and so he's not the type you describe. It's not all about sex. I think that neither of them want to change their fantasy. If I throw her out then I think that it will make matters worse. Legally there's nothing I can do but divorce and risk losing what we've spent years building up. I have to try a softer approach. There is too much to lose by taking an aggressive stance.

I do appreciate all that you have said and it has helped me. UK divorce law is all wrong and I have to be very careful as should legal proceedings ever take place I will not want to weaken my case by forcing her out onto the street.

I may well be deluded about saving the marriage but I have to remain calm. Any bloodbath will have to wait a little longer.