Is this MLC

Wow, Lost Lady. You've been hit with a lot in the last few years. I don't wonder at all that you're in a crisis of some sort - whether mid-life or just overwhelmed with the constant stress, turmoil and tension - and righteous bitterness at your husband's refusal to have children with you. I can't really offer you any advice, other than to read Shepherdess's and Sea Breeze's posts - and ask questions.

I am very glad to note that there's not a lethal "Other Man" skulking in the weeds. That throws such a toxic pall over an already bad situation. Like tossing a molotov cocktail into the dynamite factory - a guaranteed disaster.

Keep reading and keeping posting. Glad you're here.

And, yes, "H" typically denotes "husband."

Basil Duke

I would highly encourage you to read The Walk Out Woman or The Worn Out Woman.

Also read as much as you can here at the forum, especially in the Women's forum...continue to write and tell us your feelings.  You have had a tough time...you are exhausted mentally, physically and spiritually. Crisis at Mid-life is when you are having difficulty with coping with the mind , body and spirit...they all seem to clash at once...and it sure does sound like you may be building an MLC fire.

You have come to the right place...Be gentle with yourself...knowing that this is truly a time of discovery....it doesn't have to be a time of destruction.

Shepherdess

Hi all,

Thanks, basilduke and shepherdess for your words I feel so grateful for the contact and I'm reading the posts as suggested and find them useful and insightful, I also intend to purchase the books although concentration on anything is a real issue but I'll certainly give it a go.

I worry where my issue will end I feel such despair and feel like so much is missing from my life.  I envy my H in some ways he has 3 wonderful children who will always be there for him and even though I have dedicated my life to theirs and what H wants if we split up I feel I'd be forgotten in an instant and it makes me feel so sad to think about how worthless and used I am when I love them so much. I really don't have anything what with family feuds and moving from place to place & loosing contact with friends.

Is my life heading towards the O/M? although there isn't one at the moment I wonder if I'd go there if I was paid attention in that way.  I have time on my hands and don't know what to do with it! I have always thought of myself as monogamous (naive maybe!!).  I say this because I can see why Some people look to others for spice or satisfaction when its all going wrong at home, especially when my H refuses to talk to me or get counseling either separately or together. Maybe I should get a dog - Quick!!

I can't see anything to look forward to - if this is going to be my life would I rather have it on my own? I'm not sure (there I go again, indecisive!) - I don't know why I can't make decisions but I can't.
I feel knotted up inside with resentment especially with my H's inability to talk to me and be honest.  If he had told me in the beginning that he had no intention of having children with me It would have been my choice but he agreed we would.  I feel I have wasted my life but I couldn't imagine starting all over again, maybe that's just because I feel so tired!  - oh, now I'm blubbing again!!

I am glad I have found you.

Thank you.

Hello, Lost Lady.

I guess I DO have some advice for you. Take it for what it's worth, but I'm basing it on my own recent trainwreck. To this day, my ex-wife indignantly insists that she repeatedly told me how miserable and unfullfilled she was in our marriage. In her version of our history, she sat me down on an almost yearly basis and really gave it to me. And I refused to heed her warnings (according to her).

The truth is something quite different. I can assure you that had my ex-wife told me "There is something horribly hollow inside me, a vacancy in my soul, and I am drifting from you, and will probably leave you for another man if we both don't get help immediately," I would have jumped into action. But she didn't. She ran silent for a long, long time - until she'd nursed enough grievances (real and imaginary) to give herself permission to blow up my family for a predatory fool who in turn dumped her about three months later.

Please sit your husband down, and in very clear and direct language, explain to him what's happening inside you - and what's probably going to happen if he doesn't try to help you. Men generally need to be wacked up side the head. We don't get all the signals that a lot of women mistake for communication. (When my wife holed up in our bedroom for long periods of time, I thought she was relaxing with Lifetime movies; she was actually mentally divorcing me.) If I were you, I'd go so far as to tell him that although there isn't another man in the picture, such a development is far from an impossibility in your mind. Tell him how miserable and resentful you are - and WHY. Call him to account over the child issue. (That one really blisters my butt.) Fire an unmistakable shot across his bow. Try to shake him out of his bliss.

Basil Duke

I wish my ex would have done the same.

Lost Lady I agree with Basil. You must tell your husband how you feel.In my case my W was quite unable to communicate at an emotional level (she still can`t ) and we spent the best part of two years dancing around her issues. Whilst I knew there were problems she tried to give me the impression they were all to do with me. Whilst I am in there somewhere , I have found out the hard way they were mainly to do with her. Had she talked to me about her feelings I would have jumped into action as well. As I look back , in my mind`s eye  , I have this collage of incidents/events that occurred in that two year period when my W was either wistful, withdrawn, quiet or just different. Individually they lasted a few moments only but they were of great significance. Every time I asked her if all was well she would always prevaricate or  change the subject. Even when she did talk on two occasions earlier this year she was unclear and vague. If I asked her what I or we could do to make things better she would always say "I don`t know " or words to that effect. It was baffling and still is. You must make clear to your H how you feel and what might happen if these issues remain unresolved. The stakes are high. In my case my W running silent has led to cataclysmic changes  with which we are all trying to deal  with varying degrees of success or failure.

Jack.

lostlady:

I must agree with Basil and Jack...you MUST sit your husband down  and talk to him in plain and simple language...Like: 

"You are going to lose me.  You don't pay enough attention to me.  I feel used!  I am feeling empty inside because the kids are leaving.  I feel like you lied to me about having children of our own.  You made a promise and now you aren't following through, so now I feel you used me to help raise your children with another mother.  I don't feel like your children's mother...though I have an empty nest, which also includes YOU being gone out of it. So...if things don't change between YOU and ME...I will be leaving. You apparently don't need or want me anymore."  See what he says or does.

DO not allow what you are feeling run silently....and YES...you are setting yourself up to have an OM/A...the first person who comes along and says the right things to you...that fills the gaps that your loved ones who have passed , your step children who have grown...your husband who has broken promises to you ...any person who empathizes with your marriage dilemma and promises better...YOU will escape to the fantasy....just like Baisl's, Jack...MLBHome, others are doing.  This is how it happens...the thing is your husband has no idea or maybe he does...and if he does know and understand that he is neglecting you...then girlfriend...you need to leave because he has used you. 

But before you do...make sure your life is what it truly is and not just justifications and rational-lies for leaving or having an affair.

BTW...How old are you or your husband?

Shepherdess

Hi all,

Basil, Jack and Shepherdess, thank you so much for your reply's, they really help. Please rest assured I have had countless conversations over the years with my H and I have been as blunt as to say we will split up if he can't find it in himself to address the issues.  It's almost as if he just sees it as an empty threat that I won't follow through on.  I don't know why I haven't left - I'm too scared and he probably knows it, but I'm so desperate I don't know what to do next.  I am devastated to think we have to throw away 14 years.  I don't even know if I'm too hurt to love him the same anyway.  This is why I have asked him (many times) to go to counseling either with me or on his own if it's too much - anyway he likes just as long as we sort us out.  I ask him if he wants to split up and he assures me he loves and wants me every time. To me it's like he is just waiting for me to leave because he is doing nothing about it.

He has always had a huge aversion to confrontation of any sort (he knows of this and has admitted to it, but can't find the strength to get help) - he will walk away from any situation whether its people treating him or me badly and has done so on many occasions.  He has seen his sister in law treat me badly and saw my pain in dealing with it yet, still wouldn't talk to me about it and asked me not to make an issue out of it for family sake! I just kept putting up with it for years then, one day I snapped and refused to do the family visits anymore.  I didn't want to explode in front of all the kids on a get together, which, I felt was becoming more inevitable as it continued.  My non attendance went on for about 2 years until out of the blue his sister in law came to our house and apologised to me, albeit for Mum's sake as she was so upset and couldn't understand why - nobody in the family asked me why!  I felt total relief as with that apology, confirmation came that it wasn't me but I also felt let down by my husband. I had to force him to talk to me about it which, I told him I shouldn't have to do.

I can't bear to think of being used when I put in so much, I hurt like hell! 

My H tells me he doesn't know why he can't talk to me or deal with issues but he just can't.  An answer I have heard so often.  I have offered support in any way he wants to be able to achieve this goal.  I have told him that there are certain issues that we all have to face and he needs, for our sake, to learn how to do this too, as I have had to learn how to deal with issues on my own because of his refusal.

I will find the strength to try and talk to my husband again using some of shepherdesses examples, I think the hardest part for me will be if I have to admit that I have been used and neglected - I'm still hoping that this isn't the case- Naive??

I don't think I'd know how to live on my own and be independent anymore!!
x

Lost Lady,

I can add very little to the posts above. Take the high road, sit him down and use Basil's "Eddie Stick" and smack him a few times, or get him to contact one of us, myself, Basil, Jack and we can tell him in vivid detail what his life will be like if he doesn't get his head out of his backside, I'll say arse for Jack.

I,.. like Basil and Jack never knew what my W's issue was as she ran silent  till dropping the bomb. I rest assured would have been listening had she said anything but she did not. She got involved with a low life who pushed the correct buttons and now she lives with him in his one bdrm apt, 35 miles from her daughter, her son will not speak to her, her daughter barely does, she has been cut off and disowned by her friends and family, all for some non-existant  fantasy of happiness with a dirt bag who can not take care of himself.

Keep trying, DO NOT medicate yourself with someone else. I applaud you for having the courage to identify your needs and what's lacking and being stand up about it. PLEASE keep your dignity and self respect. If your husband won't listen and you feel you have to leave then do so in a correct and mature manner.

Please keep updating us

MLBHOME