Hello all

So glad I found this site. Had been looking at another and now I have two resources to help me through this tragedy. My story is no different than nay other textbook MLC.

Our move to Mass was not good for her. The loss of her job in NY, and not finding a place here that she felt good with has created as she put it in her own words in an email to a friend "some sort of midlife crisis". She gave up the best job of her life, teh social network, all that NYC offered and those factors were a big part of her losing herself.

Starting in January of this year she started to have some sort of post partum like symptoms threatening the children. Serious threats said to me and strange behavior. That went on till March. I was trying to help her and being there for her and the kids more. The economy was tough on us during this time too and we were more locked in the house than we would have been in NY.  She started acting strange, drinking, smoking, and being there less and less for the kids. I tried desperately to help her. I stepped in even more for the kids.

We talked about her going for tests as it seemed to be hormonal. She never got the tests she was supposed to. She started therapy and stopped after only six sessions saying she didn't need it. The therapist later saw me a few times after her crisis began and actually broke his ethical code and told me she was sick and going to get sicker. She did.

That month of April she gave me the "I love you but not in love with you" speech. She was withdrawn from me and the family. The internal issues became apparent. Her period cycle was down to 21 days at one point. Her mom had her thyroid removed, and she had suffered for many years from debilitating PMS which I read is a part of the hormonal issue. She had a three week affair with a guy in April. I found out and instantly forgave her. She withdrew for a few days in shame to her moms, then called me and said she wanted to come home. I said I loved her and would welcome that.

We went bowling that night she returned because she wanted to do something and we enjoyed it together. It was not good. She cried in the alley. Actually she bowled good. She didn't talk to me much but was still trying to make contact with me. By the end of our games she was a wreck. Left the alley and I took her home. In the car she started screaming like I never heard a human scream. Punched her head so hard I could hear her skull. Started ripping her jewelry off and throwing it out the window. Calling herself stupid. By the time we got home she was a mess. She ran from the car. I lost her in the darkness and drove around looking fort her. Panicked and called the police telling them she was distraught. Turned out she was in the woods. She came out of the woods when they arrived. When they left she said I did that because I wanted a divorce and wanted to take the children from her. (Projecting). That was May 2.

The month of May as a whole she came back to us acting very normal, but I still saw something was wrong. She was trying. I was being there for her in any way she needed. We talked about trips for the summer and I made some plans. She wanted to "show off her hot husband to everyone" at her college reunion we were planning on attending. She mentioned having a second honeymoon at a wedding we were attending in Big Sur. We had lots of plans. Plans that I wanted to carry out because she told me see needed it all for herself and I was very willing to do what she needed.

She was now having serious issues talking care of the kids so I filled in for her while trying to take care of her need to "go out" more. She became obsessed with the house and how it was always dirty as she put it. Had a strange infatuation with cleaning the kitchen tiles by hand for an hour trying to show me some difference in the tiles she cleaned vs the tiles she hadn't. I couldn't really see it. We talked a lot and I tried ot understand. So did she. She texted me all month about how much she loved me and missed me. I did whatever she needed because I loved her and loved our family. Sometimes we talked about separating to maybe give her space but she kept coming back and saying she didn't need it.

On May 20th she sent me a text saying she was sorry for her crazy moods and that she would be okay and that she loved me and that I should hang in there. I tried. But on July 3rd after returning from NY with my older son (I was taking the boys there as much as possible to help her have time with herself) she falsely claimed I had slapped her, and had me arrested. While in jail she came and bailed me out. The next day she came to court to say she made a mistake. After court I asked her what was up, if she wanted a divorce. She said no, that we needed a 30 day cool down period. Needless to say her strange behavior was having terrible consequences on me I lost 40 pounds in 35 days.

The night of that court date, she called me to tell me she changed her mind and wanted me out of the house and that she was scared of me and resented me. This was a new paranoia that she had been developing. It was something I didn't understand but tried to hang in there. She kept fluxuating from being okay to resenting me.

A week later while I was out with my son on a class trip she took out a restraining order against me even though I at that point I had basically stayed away from her and in fact was nothing but nice to her trying to help her through her crisis. In it she claimed I wanted to kill her and the guy she had the affair with by hiring a mafia guy to kill her. Claimed I wrote "hi" on a public telephone and that I had agents watching her.

She really became paranoid and was now trying to make herself a victim and hurt me in any way she could. One day she called me to tell me she was selling her engagement ring. When I asked why, she said "because I want to". She continued this mission of hurt and resentment towards me to this day. 19 days after telling me she loved me and that I should hang in there, she filed for divorce on July 19th.

I am struggling to fight for my children, something she is trying to deny me. Both of us are financially ruined and yet she continues to battle me over me and in my mind does not seem to have our children's best interest in mind. So in a matter of two months my wife lost herself, turned on me and is now destroying our lives and my children's lives. I only get to see my kids 18 hours a week, this after being a full time stay at home dad.

There is far more to the story. I wrote 27 page affidavit to the court telling them of what she did, and what she put us through. Her response was that the worst day of her life was the day she met me because she claims I used mind control to convince her that she loved me. She joined a women's abuse group, a group my attorney says give abuse groups bad names as they take in divorcee's who want to falsely claim abuse. She told my son's teachers I was abusing the boys and the state came after me investigate me. Of course they found nothing.

You've all heard this story over and over. Bottom line, she has destroyed my life in a matter of a couple of months. Unfortunately she can't see in her state that she is destroying her own, and worst of all our young children. I have fought from day one only for the best interest of my kids but she is using them as a tool for some sort of internal revenge of hers that no one understand, including her family who is doing little to help her or talk rationally to her. She has basically reinvented her life. She has no facebook because she dropped everything and everyone she knew as they know the truth. So now she has a small group of new people in her life that do not know her or me and who she can tell this new story of abuse and a "horrible" 12 years with me to as some sort of reality.

It is clear that all women who go through this do exactly the same thing to the husband, turning on him and making themselves some sort of victim as they lose themselves and are afraid of the truth.

We made a huge mistake in moving out of NYC. It caused my wife to have some sort of midlife crisis that she did not make it through, has nothing but utter hatred for me now and is not being the mother to my children that she should.

Unfortunately I have little rights as a male in this system and she has done everything this abuse group told her to do to hurt me including the arrest, and the restraining order. I'm so sorry she did this to us. I tried so hard to help her through this but to no avail. I'm trying to recover and to rebuild and be their for my kids as they are showing the strain of this. So fast, so abrupt and no one, family or friends understands. Everyone who knew us is SHOCKED! All say the same thing, "but you two were a perfect couple". We were.

I have also discovered a direct correlation in a certain personality type (enneagram type three) and MLC. Seems the type three is the one that often and mostly suffers from it.

Three months later I am still shocked at what she has done but now focused on the kids and myself.

And as for me. Thankfully I got out of her vortex as soon as I could. All she wants to do is hurt me so getting as far away as fast, and letting go of her was best for me. I've been taking great care of myself. Doing lots of therapy, being a great dad, and so far she is losing all her battles in court with me. Last week the judge called her a liar. I don't say that because I am happy to hear it. I would rather help her, but she is lost right now and making seriously bad judgements from her attorney who only wants her to "win", to how she treats the boys.

There is so much more to tell.

Bottom line, I have learned a lot about her, about things in our relationship that I never saw, and a lot of great things about myself. I am a much better perosn because of this tragedy. Much better!

If I had to do it all again, I am torn between saying I would have never started dating her, to never had children with her, to never moving from NY. But I am told this is a deep-seeded time bomb that starts in childhood so who knows? Perhaps nothing I could have done would have prevented it.  I can not look back, only forward, and all I see in my future is a healthy me, and a dad who loves his children and is the parent they need him to be. And I am a good looking guy who has a great personality and will maybe someday be the person I deserve to be in the relationship department. 

Sadly, I will never speak to her again because of what she put me through. Yeah it sounds selfish, but the pain was worse than I ever thought pain could be. And when the stove burns you like that, you never use the stove again, to make a bad analogy. Some of you say eventually I will speak to her, but you can trust me when I tell you I will never have any form of direct contact with her again in my life.

Best thing about sites like this is that they keep reinforcing that this was not my fault. I did not do this to her. She did it to herself. Honestly as the guy who suffered through it, there is not a day I don't ask what I could have done to help her more. Not a day that I don't feel total blame feelings. Her family saw how hard I tried and what a good perosn I was to her with all she put me through. So thanks to all that help me realize this was about her and not me. 

Walter