Have I done the right thing ?

 Based on what you have written, you are in MLC.  It really amazes me the number of women that have these same feelings.  I think the fact that you miss your husband is a good sign.   Have you considered counseling?   I went for a few months, and it really helped me, but I still struggle, REALLY struggle, with staying under the same roof or moving out for a while to just have space.  It is different for all of us, so I don't think anyone can really tell you if you have done the right thing or not.  But I would encourage you to go to counseling before you do anything else, or make the final plunge.  You owe that to yourself... and to your husband.  I would also encourage you to read as much as you can about MLC.  Just recognizing you are in it is a very positive thing...

I'm 48 and coming up on 20 years of marriage...

I agree with beenthere that it sounds like you are in MLC.  What you describe sounds much like the rest of us.  And on the plus side you recognize that it's about you and not men.  I have felt the same way... like the sparks are gone and it just feels comfortable.  When I think about it though... it has been just comfortable for a long time.  Funny how all of a sudden at this age it matters.  It is unrealistic to expect the same sparks after 20+ years of marriage though.  Although I think if you try you can get some of the passion for each other back. 
 
I agree with beenthere that counseling is a good idea.  I have done that too and I believe it saved me from completely wrecking my life.  I am not a believer that EVERYONE should stay married.. but it's good to explore why you want to leave before you make any big decisions. Your marriage does not really sound bad from what little you have written here.   And when in the midst of MLC I don't think it's a good idea to make any life changing decisions... even though that's exactly what we want to do sometimes.... throw it all out and start over. 
 
I am 51... almost 52 and have been married 25 years. 
 
P. S.  I met this woman who separated from her husband of 20+ years of marriage but they never got divorced.  It wasn't about another man or anything for her either.  Anyway now they are dating and having a lot of fun together and are thinking of moving back in together!

This is whats so hard, when I think of my husband and the life I had just a few months ago I think I must be mad to have left, I'm sure some of my friends and family think I've been really silly, although they wouldn't say so, as we have had a great marriage for so many years. I just don't know why it just didn't seem enough.

I feel really frightened that if I go back to him i'll grow to resent him for not letting me go - but he is really doing his best and has given me space since I went.

It all seems such a mix of different feelings.

I can see why we sometimes just up and go, but I couldn't do that to my husband and my children and I suppose I really know it wouldn't be best anyway.

Thank you for listening and replying.

Kay x

But he did let you go, Kay...you are out of the house.

He is supporting this as best as he can.  No man takes his wife walking out easily.  He is dealing with or tolerating your leaving in hopes that you will come back.  He must love you very much!

You must read The Walk Out Woman IMMEDIATELY!  It is the best book out on the market at this time that will address what you are going through AND what you could work on IF you and your husband want to keep your marriage.

I have heard stories like yours before from other women.  There is no Other Man...they know very well that this ALL about them...but that they have acted on the urge to fly because they are so suffocated by their inability to cope with the feelings they are having within their marriage.  You are Dorothy dreaming about over the rainbow...now that you have run away...it isn't exactly over the rainbow at all...at least after novelty has worn off.  

One woman that I mentored had a story like yours.  She had moved out leaving three children (15 -5 years old) Her husband at first supported her need to get away, to look for herself...he loved her very much and didn't want the marriage or family to break up.  After the novelty wore off she had to admit that she was lonely, depressed and maybe should return home...but every time she went to visit she felt burdened, suffocated...stressed.  She remained in her own apartment visiting when she could bring herself to do so.  After nine months of being away, she was convinced that her husband would wait for her forever...she asked and he told her that he didn't know if he could live in limbo forever.  Another six months past with her still spinning in her depression and her inability to make a decision , even though she did start therapy and start doing things that made her happy.  Two years out, she decide that she needed to go home....enough was enough...all of her successes meant nothing without her husband and children.  When she got her courage up to talk to her husband about her coming,,,,he told her that she had not indicated for a long time that she was considering returning, so he had made moves to end the marriage...she was to be served with divorce papers the next week.  Her marriage was over and her relationship with children was permanently damaged.  She wrote and told me  that she should have listened to me long ago and realized that she had to get to therapist sooner, get to work on those things that she was passionate about...read The Walk Out Woman (she hadn't read until the last month before their talk)...returned home to do all this work under roof of her safe haven and people who loved her no matter what.  She realized that if at the end of all the work she and her husband had decided there was nothing could have done...at least they had tried to work it.  She also realized she had NOT missed a thing by being in her own place...in fact, it made the whole transition harder.  Her one regret:  that she had moved out...she believed that she would have still been married if she had returned when I advised her to do so.

It is up to you what lesson you would like to take from the above story...but this is only one of many that I have form women who moved out and then questioned doing so.  

I understand how you are feeling but there are ways to work through this while remaining in your own home.

If you are interested let's help you do so.  Keep coming here and discussing, consider being mentored...I do offer mentorship programs...BUY the Book!

I am happy that you have found us.

Shepherdess

Please read Sbreeze's threads she has been able to successfully get through an MLC without being tempted by an OM...and stayed with her husband.

Sorry, i forgot my password and then think I mixed my stupid co.uk and coms up on my email so I couldn't reset it ! why when one thing goes wrong so does everything else ???

Signed up again at Kay2 hope that's ok - you can check my email details for the mistake.

Sorry I haven't been back in touch and thank you for your advice Shepherdess, I tried to find the book but it's not for sale in the UK and not in stock in America.

My position is still about the same although my son has told me that he thinks my H has started seeing somebody else. Although I don't think it's serious at the moment it makes me feel sick to be honest, but i know I have knowbody else to blame but myself.

I'm still not sure what I ought to do, I think he would have me back but I'm still not sure I can live "happily ever after" with him.
I've also noticed that my son is still supportive, but my daughter is becoming distant and this frightens me as well.

All in all it's a bit of a mess still.

I'll keep reading !

Thankyou

Kay x

I went to Amazon.com.us and they have 97 new and used copies of the book...I will check again .  If I am unable to find a link to the book I will contact Dr. Steve Stephens myself to see if I can get some copies of the book.or where you can buy it.  Try the US link again...they had four pages of used copies, along with new at Amazon direct and four collectible copies.

Have you seen the movie Fireproof or read the book Love Dare?  Check it out...it may be something that the two of you could work together on...Many experts say that a couple should give it at least one year with Individual and Couples therapy, along with a possible intense couples retreat...teaching communication a marriage techniques before throwing in the towel.  

I am concerned that your husband has started seeing someone else...this says that he is moving on....the fact that he is doing so before there is a divorce...says there is more going on here.  How long has it been since you left and what did your husband do when you did leave?  I am sorry...in my book...no one starts dating before the ink is dry on the divorce papers.  If he is seeing someone apparently the two of you set NO Boundaries or Deal breakers while you were off finding yourself.  His seeing someone else sort of makes the decision for you....he has chosen not to fight for  your relationship...he has chosen to move on.  You need to address this fact no matter where you are in your MLC journey...why go back to someone who so easily will start dating again?  Are you sure your son isn't trying to push your buttons to see what you will do...then report back to his Dad?

Shepherdess

Sorry about Amazon, I was sure I'd clicked the right buttons, i will try again.

It may be as you suggest, that my son is helping my H, i couldn't be sure.

My H was devastated when I left which is why i feel so sad for him, i've been wanting him to try to move on, i suppose it makes me feel less guilty, and thinking about it i'm sure there is nothing serious i just can't imagine him doing that when he says he still wants me back.
I didn't think the thought of him with AW would effect me, but I was wrong.

I'm sure the right thing will happen if i give it some time.

Kay x

It sounds to me like your son was pushing your buttons to see how you would react...AND YOU DID! 

Kay2...you need to make sure that leaving your marriage is indeed what you want...if the thought of your H moving upsets you or that you are jealous...you do still care to some point...but selfishness is a characteristic of MLC...you must ensure that it is a true emotion and not a temporary reaction. 

Could you handle the idea or the reality of your husband AND your children moving on with another woman in their life? 

You need to come to terms with this idea because to expect your husband and your children to remain in limbo while you figure how you feel about you,, life...them IS selfish and unrealistic after a certain period of time. 

Life was not created to remain in "Pause" or limbo...it just doesn't work that way...Life moves forward no matter what we do...and so will your husband's and your children.  

You must realize your time frame may not be your husband's...in most occasions that I mentored or heard of the wife waited too long and by the time she was ready to come back...the husband had detached and moved on without her.  Now,  in the situations that the wife returned though she was still conflicted and she allowed her husband to help her through the MLC...these are the success stories.  If things didn't work out in some...the couple mutually agreed that had done everything that they could to make things better...they separated/divorced knowing that they had done their best.

Time is not necessarily on your side when you are not living in the house....by not living in your home with your family...you have made a choice to leave and given them opportunity to walk away also.

Shepherdess