My Story - my question...

PS... sorry, just noticed the appalling spelling - put it down to stress please !
P

Phil

I`m sorry to read about your story which is remarkably similar to mine. My W left me about three weeks ago and , since then, we have met once at a school function. Subject to that there have only been a few emails and telephone calls. We had  been together for 26 years. We have 3 children; two boys at university and a daughter at school who is only 14.

This is the unpalatable advice I have been given and which I am trying hard to follow; leave her alone, do not talk to her about how she feels, keep any contact with her to a minimum and then in relation to business matters only. You cannot resolve this MLC for your W and she will have to complete this journey by herself. Be prepared to accept that she might not come back. . If you have trouble sleeping , see your doctor for some pills and consider therapy/counselling which I have found enormously helpful.

I can understand why you find this situation so baffling. In my case I am as certain as I can be that there is no other man involved.  My W`s decision to leave was based upon emotion. The force driving her was so powerful it was almost primal. There is no logic to be seen here. It is a mistake to assume she is in control;  if she is thinking at all it will be short term only and then probably no more than 2-3 days ahead.

Above all take care of yourself.

Dancing Jack.

Hello, Phil.

Listen to Jack. The sooner you accept the basic reality of this mess, the stronger you'll become. No one gets out of these things unburned, but you CAN do damage control for you and your kids. (Note that I did NOT include your wife in that equation.)

Don't talk to her about MLC. Forget entirely about that - and about doing anything to help her or "fix" her. If you do, she'll run even further away. Grab this with both hands: YOU cannot do ANYTHING to snap her back into her old self. Don't try to reason or use logic with her. Don't get angry (a far, far easier thing to do if there's not some scurvy dung heap of another man skulking about on the sidelines, waiting to feed on your wounded spouse). And whatever you do, don't beg or plead. If she senses weakness in you, things are only going to get worse. Women - even if they're not in an MLC - despise weakness in a man. Never again should you tell her how much you want her back. She already knows that, Phil.

Re: 'the other man': I hope you're right, and that there isn't one. But I can tell you, in the VAST majority of these situations, the wife has in fact either already become involved with another person or has one lined up and ready to go once she makes her break. Not trying to add additional torment to your life, but that's just the way it is. Get ready for it, because it'll just about kill you. (Read "Basil Duke: An Introduction" for some insight on that subject.)

This isn't the end of your life, Phil. It's just a new chapter - one that makes for excruciating reading, no doubt, but you can and will get through it. Whether your wife emerges with you is entirely unknowable. She has no idea what she wants right now. Or where she's headed. So that means you need to take care of YOU. Live for yourself, not her. Protect yourself and your kids. Above all, stay in front of the children. 

Read the other threads here, and keep posting.

And hang in there!

Basil Duke
St. Louis, MO
Moderator 

Dear Jack,

Your second paragraph is I fear very good advice (but not what I was hoping to read) it's so hard, as I'm sure you know, when there are so many means of communicating now.
To add insult to injury I can almost see her new house from where I work !

I really hope it works out for both of us.

Thankyou.

P

Thank you Basil,

Sage advice from both of you, I'm sure.

I really know that it's the right thing to do, but my (usually unused) emotional side keeps trying to persuade me otherwise.

Thank you both again.

P

Hey, Phil. You'd have to be a robot to NOT experience deep emotional turmoil over a nightmare of this magnitude. Easier said than done, I know, but it's essential that you keep your feelings in check as much as possible. (Prescription anti-anxiety medication helped me a great deal with this. At the very least, you should see your doctor and explain what's going on in your life.)

I recommend a military posture. Think of yourself as a general whose country has been attacked - and threatened with complete destruction by a merciless enemy. Yep, that's right; your wife is your enemy right now. She's her own enemy, too, for that matter, but, again - this is about protecting YOU. Forget about anything except developing a measured and dispassionate defense. You are at war. Your way of life is at stake here, Phil. It won't do you any good to base your response on raw emotion. Establish a game plan: talk to a lawyer and do what you must to protect your finances. (When my wife went off the rails, I immediately went to the bank and withdrew half of our checking account and opened up a new account in an entirely different bank, under just my name. Why? Because there is simply no guarantee that your spouse won't clean you out. Believe me, it's happened before. Many times. You do NOT want to wake up one fine morning to discover that you are literally penniless - and that all of your family's money has been seized by a 50-year-old woman who thinks she's a 19-year-old hottie.)

You're still very early into this, and I suspect you're in something of a state of shock - disbelief, fear, etc. This is natural! So don't beat yourself up.

Don't expect a quick fix or resolution. It's a day by day thing for now. Just accept that reality. It's rotten and it's crappy, but it's the way things are. No way around it. You are going to be very, very unhappy and depressed, but things WILL get better. I swear to you, they will. But you must help yourself. Be your own best advocate, and do what's right for YOU and your kids. Leave your wife out of your plans. Remember: you can't fix her. She's whirling away into MLC orbit, and the booster rockets may already have been fired.

Basil Duke  

Phil

this is the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with and I am only about two months into the MLC nightmare. Well meaning people (including me ) will advise you to detach and to allow her to continue along the path she has chosen. I regret to say it is the only way but you will get used to it and your situation will improve.

My  situation is slightly different because my children are younger but my relationship with them has never been stronger. When they are not at university my sons will live with me in the family home and my daughter stays with me part of the week. We  now have a bond / closeness that has been forged out of adversity arising from my W`s inexplicable and selfish action. My life has changed beyond recognition in a matter of weeks but , in some respects, it has changed for the better. Although I have down days I have found a determination to get through this and I will . You will get through this as well but it will be as tough as hell in the early days/months.

Do look after yourself. The stress will make you loose weight. I took the opportunity to get fit. I now start each day with three mile run which I enjoy.    I lost over one stone in a matter of a few weeks.Make sure you eat properly and that you get enough sleep. I barely slept for three days and still take pills. I will stop taking them eventually. Do consider therapy/counselling; I am still attending a psychologist once a week and it helps. Keep posting as that helps too.

 Jack.

Dear Both,

I'm really pleased that I wrote.
I suppose like all men I think I'm as stong as a lion when it comes to "silly emotional stuff" but this has had me crying like a baby in the middle of the night.

Your words give me strengh to keep with "the plan" and not to waiver and grovel to her for the way it used to be.
I think the main thing I have picked up today that I didn't get, is the futility of trying to help her or change her feelings - I'm sure you are both right, I've not got a chance of doing that and I can see that trying would make things worse.

Re other men, I'm sure there isn't at the moment, but am sure there will be in the future sooner or later and I've got to prepare myself for this nighmare eventuality.

So... I'll crack on and try to be positive, look after myself and my own sanity and only try to change the things I can change.
I'm lucky that I work with my daughter and she has been really strong & supportive.

Thank you again,
Regards
P

Quote "Leave your wife out of your plans. Remember: you can't fix her. She's whirling away into MLC orbit, and the booster rockets may already have been fired" 
Made me smile !

Dear Phil:

I do believe that you need our forum...even though your W has already left...AND you believe that she is in an MLC.  

Yes, she should be the one who should be here reading these threads...but she isn't ...she is probably in denial about her own MLC...I am sure she just thinks she is transitioning...there is no Crisis in her case...she would be wrong...but that is why YOU are here and not your wife.

I encourage you to keep on coming here and discussing your situation....the more knowledge and understanding you have the stronger you will feel...along with feeling like you have some control over the situation.  

Believe it or not...you are hitting this forum just about the same time as every other man...many get here after they have received the "I love you ,but I am not in love with you" Bombshell OR right after or at the time their wives decide to walk out on them.  

So, Read as much as you can here...Try to detach from the emotion.  Please do not enable this situation.  This is not about YOU or your marriage ...it is about your wife and what is going on within her.  Your Wife has not gone off to Summer Camp or a Vacation....Your wife is caught up in a Mid-Life Tornado and is off in OZ...she has runaway from her old life...this is her way of resisting change....This is a journey that she has to take...BUT you do not have to have her journey drag you or your family down.  She is the one who needs to learn the lessons of this journey.   

To answer your main question: Should you call and arrange to meet her?  NO...and if you do meet with her being desperate to reconfirm with her that you want her back IS enabling her present behavior and encourages the "cake and eat it too syndrome"  that many Walk Out Women seem to be afflicted with at this point in time.

Don't call her...let her call you when she finally can't believe that you have contacted her first.  Do not dismiss the fact that there may be another person involved here.  Keep your eyes and ears open for any hint.  Women don't go dark after leaving unless there is another person involved.  If she left to just get her head together and her plan is to return eventually she would check in...some how...text, e-mail...a call or leave a Voice Mail.  She would do something so that you wouldn't worry about her.  With this in mind...do not take anymore care about her than she is about you...Let her contact you!

In the mean time...Get to a lawyer and find out what you need to do in case she decides she wants a divorce; protect your assets, home and finances.  Learn about your rights in these situations...have the lawyer prepared to drop paperwork that will protect if need be.  Some men have hired Private Investigator's during these separation times to make sure that an affair is not happening.  Some would say better safe then sorry.  The chances that there isn't someone involved is low...few women make it through an MLC without an EA or a PA....but a very few do..your wife may be one of them.

Read, Read, Read...go the WINMLC Bookstore and order "The Walk Out Woman" ...the best book, so far on this topic.

Keep coming here and venting, get encouragement from the other men...listen to what they are telling you...they have been down the same road as you...listen to the women as they know what your wife is thinking and feeling.

We are here for you...

Shepherdess

"I encourage you to keep on coming here and discussing your situation....the more knowledge and understanding you have the stronger you will feel...along with feeling like you have some control over the situation."
 
 
Thank you, especially for the prompt replies, it has saved me from myself today as I had half (well 95% really) inclined to contact her tonight !
 
I'll keep reading and keep you posted.
 
P

Phil, every guy here groveled at some point. I think it's almost mandatory. We're confronted with a monster that seems to have no weaknesses - and thus we try everything we can think of to slay it. But as I think you know by now, pleading seems to give the beast strength. At the very least, it has absolutely no affect on it whatsoever.

I can't overemphasize the need to detach - to withdraw and step away from her funnel cloud. She'll be spinning whether you decide to be tossed through the air with her or not. Really and truly, she will be. I've used this analogy before, but I like it, so I'll use it in your case, too: Think of your wife as a brick that's falling from a few stories up. You can either stand still and let it smash you right in the middle of your skull, or you can side-step and absorb only a glancing blow - painful but bearable.

The Shepherdess has spoken about the need to establish boundaries - limits, really - with your wife. Deal-breakers, so to speak. Your spouse must understand that if she takes up with another man, you're done. Fini. Marriage over. Generally speaking, when a woman bolts, she doesn't do it alone. Very rarely does she split without a special new pal - typically glorified as a "soulmate" and "my one true love." This individual will be a predatory slimeball of the lowest and foulest order, but it won't matter. Once a woman gives herself "permission" to cheat - she'll gussy up her affair partner as a living god to justify and rationalize her diabolical actions. And in my purely amateur observation, the chances of a woman returning home after beginning a sexual affair are Olsen Twins slim. My point: do what you can to prevent the sex from ever beginning. And be prepared to follow through with the consequences you lay out for her. Don't coddle this woman, Phil. Don't pine for her. Don't wistfully think "If only it could be as it was before...." She's a married woman who's left her husband - you. She left for a reason. Maybe several reasons. Her actions can't be controlled, but your response to them certainly can be - and MUST be.

You're in the trenches, man - but you've got company. You'll get through this, but it's going to take hard work and time.

Basil Duke
St. Louis, MO
Moderator

Phil,
I can only echo Basil and Jack. Detach, leave her alone as no amount of ANYTHING will change her at this point.

My W is on her second leaving and with her OM. Basil is right that this Pus bag ( I love that one Basil)
is the "man of her dreams", she can't be w/o him" so on and so forth. but I believe that her fantasy my not be worth everything she has given up.

Assume your wife is out of the country because she most definitly is.

MLBHOME

Phil,
After lengthy consideration I've decided to send her a letter to clarify my situation.

I'm doing this as I caved in from the position I maintained before she left of "won't have you back if you go" to after she left "please come back" ! and feel that she may think I'll take her back under any circumstances (cos I love her so much) in the future.

I'm 99% certain that there isn't another man in her sights at the moment (as my daughter is in daily communication with her) but feel that the internet may soon alter this (the dreaded Facebook etc) !

I feel this is worth breaking the "no contact" rule for, and am going to include the following:
-----------------------------------------
"You have mentioned that your plan doesn’t necessarily include another man at the moment and I firmly believe you.
 
As you know, I think we can still work things out together in the future if you want to.
 
The reason I’m writing this note though is to confirm that should you decide to get another man in your life (your choice, I do understand) I would see our marriage as 100% over and start divorce proceedings.
I don’t want there to be the slightest doubt on how strongly I feel about this. It’s not a threat, as I know at the moment you don’t really care how I feel about things, but it’s my promise - you have my word on this matter.
I would much prefer to spend the future with you, but I know now that I’m able to spend it without you if I need to"
----------------------------------------
 
I feel better writing it already !

I even managed to sign it without any "love or kisses" - hows that for progress :-)

Cheers
P

Phil, it looks good, but I'd delete the second sentence ("As you know, I think we can still work things out...") She already knows this, and its tone- while not pleading - is not strong. There's no power to it. Be prepared to back up your promise to divorce her. Go to a lawyer as soon as possible, if only for a consult. If you get any sort of response from your wife, don't react emotionally to anything she says. You might get the "outraged and indignant MLC woman." Try to remain emotionally  neutral, regardless of what she says to you - if anything. Stay strong, Phil. Keep detaching.

Basil

Phil

I know every situation is different but I would think very carefully before writing to her. I would ask myself whats the point? She should know all  this anyway. I`m in the same situation and I am as sure as I can be that there is no other man (or woman ) but I may yet be proved wrong.

If my W meets somebody else what can I do about it? I can only control myself not her. If she has a fling I will be hurt, probably devastated, no question about that, but will a letter I had written in advance have made any difference? If the fling is shortlived and she wants to reconcile at a later date am I going to refuse to think about it merely because of a letter I had written at an earlier stage? 

If I sent such a letter to my W she would regard it as an attempt to control her. She would not think rationally. She would not think I had better not meet someone else in case my husband divorces me. At this stage she would have no regard for the consequences of her actions, after all she is not thinking clearly as she is in  the middle of a MLC firestorm.

My W lives some distance away and our paths will seldom cross in the future. It is more difficult for you as your W lives nearby. I am trying not to look and trying not to care with limited success so far. This is part of the detachment process we must all go through. Easier said than done I know but what choice do we all have?

Jack

Thank you Jack, as you say, all situations are different, I really hope that your approach works out for you.
In my situation, I feel that you may be right, but at the moment my W feels that she can "have her cake and eat it" and no matter what she does, she can always come back to loyal hubby if it goes wrong.
I'm hoping that even in the middle of the firestorm, she will have some sense of what the consequences of her actions would be.

I'm going to sleep on it...

Many thanks
P

I agree while there many similarities to our situations, I must side with Jack on this one.

She knows all this already. She made her decision anyway. I guess if it makes you feel better then send it, but will it change anything....nope.

Once the storm hits it is there till it stops. When is that??? We all wish we knew. Truely my life become tolerable once I detached, and concluded that there is nothing I can do to snatch her from the path she is on.

The question for you is, how much of the possible crappy decisions, and equally crappy bad behavior can you tolerate.?? You can not derail this train, it is a runaway and you just need to stay out of the way.

I understand your emotions, I'm sorta 4 months in to the "acute" situation, but somewhere between 18mos-2yrs since the "questions" began popping up in her head. Basil's military analagy is correct. Your in a war, and this war is many battles, battles of attrition. If you go toe to toe with her emotionally you will lose. This is one of those situations now that " he who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day".

This whole mess will zap you mentally and physicaly, no doubt, but you can lessen those blows.

Pull back, create the mystery around you. Get her to think about what you may or may not do. You my not control her, but you can control your situation.

Get into the storm celler for awhile and let her huff and puff all she wants.

MLBHOME

Thank you Jack, as you say, all situations are different, I really hope that your approach works out for you.In my situation, I feel that you may be right, but at the moment my W feels that she can "have her cake and eat it" and no matter what she does, she can always come back to loyal hubby if it goes wrong.I'm hoping that even in the middle of the firestorm, she will have some sense of what the consequences of her actions would be.I'm going to sleep on it...Many thanksP

-phil

Phil

I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide to do.

What I am trying to do now is what is best for me. I have only recently accepted this may not involve her in the future , hard though that is to say after 26 years. I am not cutting her out of my life, far from it.  In fact I will see her tonight when she collects our daughter. She is paying the rent using our savings and I pay her an allowance as well. She is still the mother of my children but she is out of control; as Basil would say, she is in MLC orbit.

Mlb is right , create some mystery about what you are doing. Do not contact her unless it is about family/ business matters. Do what you want to do for you and, above all, take care of yourself.

I am only a little further along the road. My next test will be living alone for part of the week when the boys return to university. A few weeks ago  the prospect would have terrified me but now  I think I will survive to fight another day.

Keep posting.

Jack.