Another family goes down

I am sorry that you have had to come here...but start reading my friend!

Start with the Detaching threads...the many threads by others there is great guidance in amongst the stories...what works and what doesn't....learn from your fellow brothers in crisis.

You and the Kids are priority number one now...I hope you have gotten a lawyer too.

Read, ask questions...seek out others here for encouragement.

You are in my prayers.

Shepherdess

LostLove,

I am sorry also for you situation, but as Shepherdess replied, you have to protect yourself (reading your post you have ample reason to) and protect your children as best as you can.

By now I'm sure you know that the person you loved is not the same person now. The OM and it sounds like the overall situation leading up to this has set the wheels in motion.

You have to detach yourself from her. Focus on the kids and yourself. Detaching is difficult I know, you still love her, hope each day or hour that she'll come to her senses, or that there is something you can do or haven't done that will tip the scales.

Understand, or try to, that you did nothing wrong, and there is nothing you can do at this time to directly change the situation. Most think detaching is "throwing in the towel", giving up but it is not.
I can tell you from my own expierence that it is a very effective tool in dealing with a spouse spinning out of control. You can't stop the train she is on, so get out of the way. Anything you do for her in her mind is TO her and will only worsen things. It's crazy I know ( what about this isn't), but perhaps you doing nothing for, to or about her, may do something in the long run.

I am not an expert by any means just a guy like you trying to keep things and family together till my W's train pulls into the station. Please read my thread MLBHOME, and see the postings from Shepherdess, and the others, who to me SAVED me and my kids, and hopefully my W also.

Also don't be afraid to get help for yourself, such as counseling. It is not a sign of weakness but another tool for you to use in the battle. Find a good counselor, ask around, you'd be surprised how many and who has been to them. You need to get through some of your issues with this to be ready for battle.
Information is your greatest ally. Look and read the books suggested here, I have read most of them and they offer a world of useful info.

      I mean I have this statement from the orignal "Poltergiest"stuck in my head...when the little old lady is about to go get the daughter from the evil spirit in the closet, and is giving the family it's orders and she says.."clear your minds, it already knows what frightens you, don't give it any help, it knows too much already." That's part of my approach. My wife and I have been together 30 yrs, married for 24. She knows me better than anyone, and knows how I'll react to situations and things. In the beginning I was predictable she knew what my reactions would be and she played to them.

    Then I found this site, and after Shep and Sbreeze1 whacked me a few times in the head to get me to detach, then the game changed. I told her to leave, and detached. Very difficult and not something I took lightly, but even the kids knew it had to happen. I even showed the kids the posts here, (they are 18, and 15) and they detached from her also. So over time we regained control of the situation.

The point is....you have to sometimes put this in a different perspective. For me ..it's good vs evil. The evil has taken over my W. I have to be on my game to fight it, so that "she" can make some realizations on her own as to what she is doing and behaving. The hardest part is watching it all unfold before you, and holding yourself back, and let her "live" the fantasy to see for herself that it is a fantasy.

Sorry, a little long winded. I have read all the posts here, and learned a ton. Knowing that I was not alone, even if it is only thru the forum, is a tremendous help. Having the popeple here relate their expieriences, what they did and didn't do, helps to form a plan and removes the helplessness.

Be strong, detach, cut her off, protect yourself and the kids, post back

MLBHOME

Thanks for your replys. Sadly I do have a lawyer and as this goes along, I see the ending of what was a good marriage.
 
She showed her hand in mediation last week, She plans on taking the kids 950 miles away to where the other guy lives. We will lose our home, I don't want to lose my kids.
 
Seeing them 50% of the time is going to be bad enough, but she wants me to see them less than 26 days a year. I havent spoken to my wife since June 2nd. I can't believe that she has changed so much. Spewing lies and re-writting our life.
 
My kids are being changed by the whole divorce. I wanted them to have a great childhood, and to be there for them when ever they needed.
 
Today is a bad one.... Miss my kids, miss my wife...miss my family. 
 
I know it's nothing I did, but there has to be a way to stop the cycle that appears to be growing. I want to save my kids from this divorce, and from their own, if I cant save my family from this.
 
Please say a prayer for us, God can do all things, and maybe your prayer is the one that he moves because of.
 
God Bless

Hello, Lost Love. Sorry this continues to spiral into the MLC/adultery Abyss. However, your report doesn't surprise me. In my experience, the vast majority of these nightmares end badly - or at least with a result nowhere near what the betrayed husband so desperately wants. In other words, the wife almost always stays gone.

I'm not a counselor or a therapist; I'm just a middle-aged man who got evicted from his life last year by his middle-aged wife. But I learned some very good lessons. Paramount among them is this: you don't have to just sit idly by and allow your wife to kick more teeth down your throat. You CAN (and must) fight back - protect yourself and your children.

So, you say that your wife wants to take your kids nearly 1,000 miles away from you. Big whoop. I want a 24-year-old secretary who wears a string bikini to work every day, but it ain't gonna happen. No matter how hard I hope for it. You've got to fight for your kids and for what's best for them; shield them from their mother. I'd have to be literally dead and buried before my soon-to-be-ex wife moved our son 1,000 miles away from me. Ain't gonna happen while I'm alive. What right does she have to dictate the terms of surrender to you? She can't, unless you throw your hands in the air, and shout "I give up!" Is the battle over? Are you skulking off the field in disarray - or are you regrouping for a counter-attack? It's time to figure that out.

Understand this: your children will remember for the rest of their lives the manner in which you dealt with this awful crisis. They will remember your actions - either fondly and with admiration or otherwise. Demonstrate to them that they're worth fighting for. Don't abandon them!

Keep posting.

Basil Duke
St. Louis, MO
Moderator

I love it Basilduke.

This is a fight of good vs. evil. Your wife can posture and preen all she likes, and make all kinds of idle threats. Basilduke has been there and so have I. Me,I don't make threats or promises only realities. You need to protect your children, you need to be the "mother" bear in this and if something threatens your children, you stop it!

Remember you can not reason with your W because that person is gone. If she wants to end the relationship like this, let her, let her go, it will be her loss, but the kids stay in their home, with the stable parent in their environment. And Basilduke is 100% correct , your children will remember how you fought for them, protected them, and tried to do the best for them, because you LOVE them.
My kids are 18 and 15, and after the initial shock when I was destroyed and on the canvas, it was them that told me to get up and fight, they needed me, they lost one parent and they couldn't lose both. With the help of Shepherdess, Basilduke, SBreeze1 and the rest of this forum, they gave me the knowledge, and the tools to get up, get back in the fight and get back in control.
My wife is home now, but the fight goes on. The fight to protect her from herself, and help her continue down her path of MLC.

You have to realize, YOU can do NOTHING now to CHANGE her behavior. No one can. You can only try to influence it, realizing still these are HER decisions. I could not take the chance with the kids and the behavior my W was demonstrating. Even the kids told her they were not going anywhere, and with that I said same as Basilduke, it's not happening.
As I said I think of this as a battle. This whole thing ....sucks! for all of us, but for your sake and the kids sake, detach, there is a stranger in your house trying to kidnap your kids! What are you prepared to do?? Show her no weakness, if your emotions wash over you, get someplace quiet and alone and let them out, don't hold them in. Take back control, make her guess what your going to do, don't tell her a thing.

the fighting is in rounds, this is round one, fights not over till someone gives up, or gets knocked out.
Keep posting

MLBHOME

I can't anything more than what these two men have told you, Lost Love. 

It is time to take back some of the control...and if the control is legally than so be it.  Your lawyers job is to get you the best situation for YOU AND your children...not just your wife.  The fact that she has an OM is important and should be told to your lawyer...though it may not play a role in the separation/divorce...it can play a role in child custody. 

You and your children are your primary cause right now...not saving your M/R or your wife's desires.  Do not be a victim of MLC...be a survivor...The number one priority right is the best interest of your children!!! 

It's time to get to work!!!  Listen to these men...they have been there...they know.

You are in my prayers...but you need to do much more than just pray...God expects you to protect your blessings...do it!!!

Shepherdess

Thank you for your advice, Believe me I am fighting for my kids. I am amazed at the level of anger and lies that my soon to be exwife is using. She is continueing down the divorce road, with no regard to who it hurts. She has told the kids she will put the dogs to sleep or take them to the pound if I don't come and get them. There is never a reason to drag the kids into this. I told them that nothing is going to happen to the dogs which they love.

I then called my lawyer and had a cease and desist using the kids as messengers, and the threats to get rid of the family pets. Also if something was to happen to the pets, she would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

2 more weeks before I get my first day in court to fight the PPO. Unfounded and filled with lies. I wonder what happens when it gets thrown out? Do I return to my home? That should be interesting. She will not be happy, I will have to watch my back, as I am sure that she will try to get me out again.

We could use your prayers, this storm is still so big and strong, that the only way left is right through it.

Lost love:

You are in our prayers.  It sounds like you are doing the right things....keep your lawyer on her. 

I am praying hard for your children...hearing these things just breaks my heart!  I understand women in MLC...the walking out, the betrayal...BUT cruelty to their children like threatening to kill the family dogs is not within my comprehension.  My experience is with the disconnect with their motherly instincts that I have seen among women, but this hurts when I hear it again and again.  This is not the first time a wife has put down the family pets to retaliate against the spouse.  It jsut leaves you shaking your head doesn't it?!!!

Shepherdess

 I heard my son say this on Saturday. "Why doesn't mom just go away, and we stay with you dad?" Gotta love my son. 7 and he calls it like he sees it. He heard my wife say "honey" to someone on the phone last week, and he asked who it was. She lied to him and said it was her friend Kelly. He said "your lying, it was your boyfriend." She started to cry and went up to her room to finish crying.

So sad when you have to lie to your kids. And that you think they don't see what you are doing. They will forever know you decided to break up the family, and they have to be shuttled between parents, for the rest of the childhood, so you can chase your fantasy.

I am so tired of hearing how a woman has sacrificed for their family, and now it's time for themselves. Who doesn't sacrifice for the family???  My wife wanted to move to the coast, so I took a job there, and waited for them to join me when the house sold. Instead of joining me there, she decided to be unfaithful. I was fianally able to get back, not easy in this economy, and she tells me she changed and is not "in love" with me anymore.

She changed after going to her hometown last year to see her grandmother while she was dying. I lived on ramon noodles, and peanut butter sandwiches giving the rest of my pay to her to take care of things at home. Sacrifice? dang right I did. lost a lot of time while my youngest learned to walk and talk. Memories I will never know. 

Blue day today, back going over what is being destroyed, and lost. watching my kids change, they used to laugh a whole lot more. Now they are having problems in school, at home,  and this is just beginning. I so wish my kids were older, so that they would have a lot more happy full family memories. I know they will "get used" to whatever is arranged, but why don't they deserve better?

When I am through, and look back over my life, I know that so far I am very proud of what I have done in this life. I would hate to be my wife, standing before GOD, trying to explain that she " needed" to destroy this family, to chase the another man to be happy. I wonder what kind of lawyer will take that case for her? No chance of winning , and the opposing side has God and all the angels.

God Bless all,

please say a quick prayer for me and my kids, and even one for my wife. The baggage she is going to carry from this destruction, will follow her forever. 

Oh, ho! So much in your post above sounds familiar to me - starting with the lying to the kids and ending with the "I've sacrificed so much" line of self-justifying B.S. Remember: a lot of these women follow the same script - and say and do the same or similar things. Case in point: on New Year's Eve, my ex told our son that she and a girl friend - the mom of our son's best friend - were going out to eat. Our son asked her directly if her boyfriend was joining them. Wife said 'nope, just XXXXX and me." Well, the woman was dull (or self-destructive) enough to go to a restaurant where one of MY best friends works as a waitress. By pure chance, my friend waited on my wife's table - and, of course, the boy toy was there with her. This was all duly reported right back to me. At the time, I didn't know the ex had lied to our son, and I mentioned to him a couple of days later that my waitress friend hadn't been very impressed with the boy toy. Our son looked at me and said, "You mean [boy toy] was with mom on New Year's Eve?" I confirmed it, and he snorted and said, "Mom is such a liar! I asked her right before she left if [boy toy] was going with her, and she said, 'No, of course not!' I can't believe a thing she says!"

She'll be paying for that and many other sins for the rest of her life, Lost Love. Bank on it. But what you CAN'T bank on is the courts taking your side simply because your wife is the villain. Angels and demons don't have a thing to do with what transpires in a court of law. Take nothing for granted. Get a lawyer who plays hardball, and let him do his thing (or her). This is war, friend - and fight accordingly! And there'll be a line of lawyers a mile deep to take  your wife's case. This is just a pay day to them: "right" and "wrong" has nothing to do with it. They'd represent Satan if he paid well enough. 

LIL,

I'm the last one to tell you your fighting the good fight, and be strong. I should take my own advice.

Your last line is 100% correct that when you look back, and when your kids look up at you, you will be and they will see and know a VERY proud man, who did the right thing.

Gods speed to you

MLBHOME

Mlbhome- I want to be as strong as you, I just read your post about the baseball game, and you are there. Thinking clearly, and moving forward. I am close , but still hoping to wake up from this nightmare. My kids are a little younger, and it grieves me so much that they at best will be shuttled back and forth and miss one of their parents every holiday, birthday, and special occasions.

I can take a little solice in knowing I did everything I could to save our family. I was even willing to live as housmates, with me paying the mortgages and utilities, and she would just have to take care of her gas, food, and extras. I knew at the time that wouldn't have lasted long, but I was hoping that time would turn this around. The way she changed so fast, I was hoping it could just go back as fast.

I was plugging a hole in the dam with my hands, and the hole ( her interest in another man) was way bigger. My kids tell me, Dad, you really love mom, but she doesn't even like you. I could just sit back and take that in and cry, but I tell them " Real love, like I have for your mom, and for you kids, doesn't just go away, because that person does something you don't want / like. " I tld them I would love them and be here for them no matter what happens in life.

i'm not as strong as you think, but I hope I am getting better. This has been going on so long, I forget what is like when she and I were happy together. May be it's easier that way. My kids are older and thank the Lord for that or I would be in a padded cell.

I'm just hanging in there, not given up yet but also knowing what it all may come to. As people find out what's been going on, after the shock they tell me "you're a good man", or the kids will say, we're glad we're going through this with you. So......I don't know.

You just gotta keep fighten for the kids, swear to God

MLBHOME

Really hitting me today, like having a wall drop on you. Couldn't get out of the way, couldn't stop this, just watching as it hits all of us. Today is my worst day yet. No light in this tunnel, my wife is making plans to take away my kids and live miles and miles away from me to be with someone else. My daughter is really suffering from this, she is mentally breaking down. I can't save her, or my other kids.

Never felt so weak, and had no idea how much this would hurt.  Think about my wife, she is so stubborn, that she will never look back on this or even care what she is doing. It is all about chasing her happiness, even if it means destroying others to get there. I have read the posts here and it is so sad to hear men trying to save their family when these storms start. How can you convince them that they are just causing themselves more pain, and delaying the inevitable.

Everyone wants to be in the very small percentage of families that actually stay together, and come out of this better. By the time most people find a site like this, the storm is been raging for so long that there is no avoiding the damage.

It's like watching families march out on a buzy highway. They just keep marching a new family hourly. By the time they are starting to cross the highway, it is too late to stop them.

Please sday a quick prayer for me and mine. Really alone today, and this storm has taken the last of my strength.

Wait just a minute here. You need to buck up. Stop moping and get into fight mode. RIGHT NOW! Your wife won't be able to kick you in the teeth when you're not curled up in a ball on the floor, so stand up. Hit back. Lawyer up. You act like it's a foregone conclusion that your wife is gonna take the kids and leave. Really? How exactly does that work, if you don't let it? Do you plan on standing idly by while this monster takes your kids? Bullcrap. This is where you find a reserve of strength you didn't know existed. It's in there. Would you let a mentally unbalanced stranger waltz into your house and scoop up your children and leave with them? That's exactly what you're going to let happen if you don't go mad dog warrior on her. Stop playing the sponge and start acting like the battle axe. I'm not talking about next week or tomorrow. I'm talking about today!

Basil Duke
St. Louis, MO
Moderator

MP,

I can not agree more with Basil, and LIL. The woman that you knew as your wife is gone. This person in front of you does not care about you, the kids or anything else. Remember the orginal movie "Terminator"??

That's what your wife is. You can't reason with her, you can't envoke long ago memeories of a past time, you can't enable her, you can't beg, or plead with her....there is nothing, and I mean nothing you can do for her. She is on the MLC path and you can not stop her.

All she knows is what's in her head, and she will create things out of thin air to justify her actions.
My wife denied writing to her OM " I want a divorce"....even when I am showing her in PRINT!!!

It is a hard concept to wrap your brain around that someone who loved you can "flip" out like that.

Listen to BasilDuke, me and the others who have been through it, and are going through it. It will get worse. Your in a war, truely, and you have to fight back. You have to stay in control. Read my post from a week ago, after my wife left for the 2nd time. I was tired, defeated, emotionally spent, I just didn't want to fight anymore. But I have a good friend in the "Duke" who picks me up, and Shep who spent alot of time on a phone  consult call with me, and through that I'm able to get back in the fight.

I am majorly detached from my wife, I have visted a lawyer and know my rights, and what my position is if things go south even more, and with that I have now taken back control. My wife p/u D for dinner last night and asked all about me, what I was doing, and Daughter was able to talk at length about conesuling to her. Did she listen...who knows. Me, I had a nice evening with a couple of beers watching my lawn sprinklers.

This will be the MOST emotionally draining time in your life. I have been at it for 4 mos now. I have gone from an emotional cripple (in the beginning) to someone who must protect his family. I have my down times (like last week) but they are fewer and less intense. I have reached out on this forum and the help is amazing. I have gone back in the gym, I have reached out to others who support me. My W's family is my biggest supporters in anything I need to do. My kids are older (18,15) and they have been a blessing.

You will be battling the evil demon that has taken over your wife.  The movie the "Excorsist" is a great example. Your wife and my wife are Lind Blair.You need to rally all your forces for the battle. Friends, relatives, anyone who could possibly enable her, you have to shut it dwn. YOU have to stop enabling her. How?? DETACH, cut yourself off from her. If you have to deal with her, speak with no emotion, business like, straight to the point and that's it. No negotiating, no compromising.

She wants to leave...hold the door for her, but the kids stay with you and you stay in the house!!!!!
It's a nasty world out there, let her go expierence it. My wife has left twice, she is now staying with the OM because I would not pay for a hotel for her. Apparently the fantasy she envisioned is not matching the reality.
 Do I like the situation, no. Can I do anything about it directly with her...nope. But what I can do is live my life, take care of my kids, and lawyer up so I know what I can do. I hit her with the lawyer bit 2 days ago, she sat in a parking lot crying that she does not want a divorce, (she told my D last night) but...well that's what she wrote, that's how she's acting...so I'll follow it up.

Formulate a plan of new tactics, the old ones are useless. Protect yourself, and the kids. Get rest, eat smart, and network to supportive people like...us.  Then take a deep breath, and wade into it.

MLBHOME

There is nothing else to really say that MLB and Basil haven't said.  I will reiterate...if you're waving the white flag and admitting defeat...then YOU are defeated...you will lose your kids and everything else....OR...you can do what these other men have done and fight the good fight...stand in front of your hurting kids and say to her: "NOPE! sorry hon, but you will not be taking the children...they are both of ours AND YOU are the one who wants to leave...NOT them...and I don't want you to go either...BUT you have chosen another man.  I will not allow you to destroy our children's lives just because you have made these decisions.  If you want to go...YOU go without the children, they are not your possessions...they are human beings with feelings and what you are doing is hurting them."

GET TO A LAWYER!  GET THE KNOWLEDGE YOU NEED TO BACK THESE WORDS UP! KNOWLWEDGE IS POWER...it equips you for the battle.  Prepare ahead of time anything you need to legally to stop her from taking them.  WHen she acts...these legal documents drop and stops her. If she takes them she wil neglect them and things will get worse...STOP HER.  

Lawyer -up Not later...NOW...Today!  Research your rights here on line for your state/country. Don't give up this fight before it has really begun.  If you do, then losing your kids will be your fault because you chose to take everything your wife is dishing to you lieing down. This doesn't have to happen this way.

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and save your family...NOT your wife...your family!!!

Shepherdess

I have a lawyer, am fighting for my kids, I just feel like the court system is so unfair in how they treat dads. My wife lied and her lawyer has pushed out the case, so that I have not been able to see my kids on Fathers day, fourth of July, and now Labor day. I know this will all be changed when I can prove she lied on the 18th, but what happens to her for lying to the courts?

Nothing, The courts don't prosecute wives who are leaving the marriage. Her biggest complaint on the PPo was the fact that I don't want a divorce ( which was true) , and have been trying since January to preserve the marriage ( this part was true also). Sad that that becomes a crime in this day, to want to work on your marriage.

I never knew how much it hurt to be accused of something, and not be given a chance to defend yourself. I have lived for almost 4 months with only very limited time with my kids. How can this ever be made right?

"How can this ever be made right?"

Well, if you're looking for complete vindication and/or victory, you're going to be disappointed. In most of these situations, the man is guaranteed to be stuck with a very serious defeat - i.e., the loss of his wife and implosion of his old family unit. Some of these wrongs can never be righted. How can I 'undo' my ex-wife's decision to become sexually involved with someone else - and to divorce me? I can't. That's my reality. I had no say in it.

I look at this like an exploding bomb. I couldn't stop the thing from detonating, but I COULD minimize the fall-out. I ran for cover and took my son with me. And then I started fighting back. I got some hard punches in - on my ex AND her pathetic lover. And I protected myself with a lawyer - and did everything she told me to do. 

All of this played out over a matter of months. As a matter of fact, I'm coming up on a year since the explosion (October 4). My son and I will never fully heal from what my ex unloaded on us. But we're not going to let it control us. We're moving on, as wiser but jaded people. Never again will I assume that fidelity on any future spouse's part is a given. And my son will never look at his mother in the same light. We've got shields in front of us that we never dreamed we'd need.

Basil Duke
St. Louis, MO
Moderator