Fork in the Road
Hi shepherdess and everyone,
I only heard about MLC because my husband kept harping that I was in it. I've read a lot about it now but don't know if I'm through it or not.
I'm 46 and slipped into a very strong emotional relationship with a man over the internet. It was inadvertent. I honestly didn't realise that you could become so deep with someone you have never met and never would. I thought it was fantastic to have a 'platonic friendship' with a man who really liked and admired me without me having to prove myself. It gave something to me that I do hope one day to find in the appropriate way. (And it was validated by my husband just recently when he told me that the best time in our marriage was actually during that couple of years when I was in contact with this man... before my husband knew about it. He said I was independent and confident about myself during that time.)
Anyway, my husband found out about it and since that time I have dragged myself into hell trying to detach from the man. Even after all contact ceased he had a hold of my heart. I won't go into the ironic nature of life.... but through certain ironic events, I got a great dose of clarity about how these addictive relationships are an illusion. (Thankyou so much God)
My marriage has been loveless for 21 years. We got engaged after 3 months. I was struggling with severe anxiety problems at the time and part of me saw marriage as a solution to my fear for the future. (I know that sound cold but I also had a complete resolve to be the best wife for my husband and make him happy). Throughout the engagement I would get close to telling him I didn't want to get married, but I got so afraid of hurting his feelings. Don't worry. I know what a screwed up and ultimately selfish thing I have done by going through with the marriage. I made a commitment to work really hard at it though and try and make love happen, but it didn't. I see the foolishness of that reasoning now, but who knows these sort of things when you're young.
My husband is very critical of me. He doesn't hold back with hurtful home truths and over the years I fell into a pattern of working to improve myself simply so that it would click in his head that I was a really great person and he was lucky to have me. I did loads of self development courses and counselling during the last 7 years of the marriage. To give you an example of how demoralising he is... during a fight recently he told me that no matter how many courses I did, I'd never grow because I was too screwed up. It's just so hard. He has allowed me to stay in the house after finding out about what I have done on the internet and I live in a separate area of the house (which is actually fantastic and I wish I'd had the courage to make this happen 10 years ago) and just continue to do all the household duties and look after the kids. (They are older teens)
I'm facing a fork in the road now. I no longer have the enthusiasm and rage that had been propelling me forward towards a better life over the last 3 years since being found out. I sometimes feel devastated that I had spent my whole life searching for how to live the Godly life, and now I look at the betrayal of His love (through the online affair) and just cry. I'm searching for evidence of His forgiveness but even if I don't find that evidence (I to know he forgives but don't feel it), I am committed to keeping true to Him for the rest of my life now.
I've realised that my husband will never change how he is or his attitude towards me. Whenever he is pissed off with me he calls me 'satans daughter' now. I've asked him not to do that particular thing as it really disturbs me, but it's as though he is really determined to use it to the max against me.
I feel too frightened to leave the marriage as I'm positive he will make sure I get nothing.
Shepherdess, I don't know what I'm asking for here even. Could you give me feedback on how it looks to you based on what I've said? I just feel so helpless. I can't get heard. I feel like I'm at the fork in this road, and needing to make a huge decision that will have to carry me through to the end of my life and it's breaking my heart to realise that I will have to endure it with a man who sees me as a screwed up, inferior, oddball.
Grace:
My heart breaks to hear what you have been going through, right from the Internet affair to wrestling with your emotions afterwards. Please know that God has forgiven you...He loves you with all His heart and the knowledge that you turned away from your temptation and chose to sin no more...He has forgiven you. I struggled with this also until He revealed to me that I was not forgiving myself. This is by far the hardest thing for a human being to do, especially if her partner has not forgiven them also.
I want to be able to pray over your post and be able to respond with the words that God wants you to hear...to be the healing balm that will ease your pain, frustration and helplessness. So, I will return tomorrow to your thread.
Please forgive me as I have had a very busy/tiring day. I want to give you the attention that you certainly deserve and need. In the meantime...know that you are blessed...that God loves you with ALL His love...He doesn't forsake His children...His intent is to prosper you...not to harm you. You are in a season of growing, molding and shaping....lean in to His hands....He has forgiven you, I assure you.
God Bless!
Shepherdess
Thankyou so much for your kind reply, Shepherdess. Your words are already a healing balm.
I made a good confession (I'm Catholic) a couple of months ago and was fortunate enough to have a priest who left me mentally in no doubt of Gods forgiveness of me, so I don't doubt that I'm forgiven... it's just that I feel cut off from the forgiveness at the moment. This is the first time in my life I've ever needed major forgiveness (that I'm aware of) and I just can't even conceive of how it would manifest in my life.
I look forward to sharing here and I'll try my best to keep my emotions out of my account of my journey.
Thanks so much
Grace
Grace:
If you haven't already done so...please go the video here at the forum and watch it:
Forgiveness and the Freedom of Letting Go
Maybe your husband needs to watch it also...IMHO I believe that maybe your difficulty in forgiving yourself or feeling close and knowing God's forgiveness IS because your husband is "casting stones" at you still. Calling you "satan's daughter" is cruel, especially if you are trying hard and being repentent. In a good marriage the the man is to be like Christ (the Bridegroom) and the wife is like the Church (the Bride). What did Christ do when he came upon the mob and the adultress?
John 8
1But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. 2At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" 6They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." 8Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
9At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"
11"No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."- NIV
This scripture gave me much strength in the beginning days...when I felt the most guilt and shame...BUT...my husband did not call me names like yours...though I am sure there were times that he wanted to and I would deserve it. In my effort of repentence...I had to realize that there were two people in pain...me and my husband. He was feeling great betrayal, loss of what he had known to be true for his life and for me...for our family...He had been forced in to questioning everything when HE didn't necessarily want to or need to in his opinion. (We needed to question things and make things better...but this is NOT the way to get your partner to have an AHA-moment.)
Please consider counseling to help the two you through time of forgiveness and grief...the two of you need to grieve the end of your old marriage, yet celebrate the begining of a new one that is even more precious. Consider reading Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramartial Affair. Even if he won't read it...it may help you understand his feelings, while making sense of your own. It is written from a Christian viewpoint.
Another book that I have just heard about but haven't read yet is First Aid for the Betrayed ...it is a book for men written by a man about his two-year experience of dealing with his wife's affair. This may be a book that you might have your husband read. Please click the link and read the reviews and discription.
Keep coming here and discussing and reading...venting...getting encouragement...it is extremely helpful to know that others are going through similiar things...you are not the lone soldier.
We are here if you need!
God Bless!
Shepherdess
Thankyou for the links and reading suggestions, shepherdess. I'll watch the link when I can get rid of the kids who are now lounging all over the house for the weekend.
Part of me doesn't want forgiveness from him because I might have the feeling that I 'owe' him then for the rest of my life. Something that I'm facing now is that I really don't even 'like' him as a person. I've always skirted around that fact in the interests of trying to nurture a fulfilling marriage regardless of the difficulties.
I still have faith in the stories of Saints who perservered in bad marriages with a tolerant and patient serenity. I know that there is a degree of Faith where you can exist fully inside a bad marriage. There is an 'ideal' for marriage, but the true reality is that thousands, perhaps millions of marriages, through history, are like living through a lifetime of purgatory. That is just a reality. I want to be able to be open enough to accept the possibility that my husband will have a true change of heart and be able to see me as special and an asset in his life.... but also need to accept that that might never happen as well. I feel incredibly fortunate to know God and know that the version of me that I have reflected to me on a daily basis, is not how the God who created me sees me.
Thankyou for all the good work you do here. You can never tell who is out there needing to hear a particular thing at a particular moment in their life and it can make a world of difference you wouldn't imagine.
shepherdess, I just wanted to share with you that so much has changed in the last month and a half. I can't really put my finger on why or what has shifted, but H is different and so am I and it seems to have transpired without the effort that I thought it would. There is a lightness to everything.
I'm really beginning to believe that 'hopeless' is never really a set in concrete state of being.
Thankyou for this space.
grace.
Nothing is ever "hopeless" when it comes to God...Foregiveness is what lightens the burden, along with unconditional love. I am so happy...joyful that you have found this Grace. I will continue to pray that for you and your husband. Thank you for sharing with us...we rarely hear about improvements or success!
Praise, God!!!
Shepherdess
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