From The Desk of Dr. Frank Gunzburg: How to Survive an Affair

Hello WINMLC:

Over the last several years, I've have surveyed people who go through my program, How to Survive and Affair

The other day, I was curious to read some of the new stories people have written, I was really pleased to read one in particular—Valerie's story. Her story is a perfect example of a woman devastated by an affair, but who chose to stick it out. Because she decided to save her marriage, she ended up with a new husband and a new beginning to a new marriage.
If you're like Valerie and have been injured by an affair, please take a minute to read what she had to say:
"My husband and I were trying to repair our marriage but had serious road blocks because of the issues he had kept from me (mostly because he never really talked much about him). Even after a few therapy sessions for his issues, which helped, I knew we needed more help."
Valerie and her husband tried therapy, but it obviously wasn't enough. The affair had left behind scars which were difficult for them to overcome.
"What really bothered me was difficulty getting past the lies, deceit, and inability to trust him, so I went searching for help."
So, Valerie and her husband took matters into their own hands. They truly wanted to save their marriage and were looking for answers from someone who truly understood their pain and their issues. In their search, they turned to the Internet.
"I typed in how to get over an affair and your website was one of the options that came up, so I browsed some of them with my husband by my side, and yours stood out."

"It felt like you were talking to us."

Both Valerie and her husband could relate to me because they could see that our visitors and members had been or were going through the very same thing that they were struggling through. For the first time, they had found someone who really knew how they were feeling. At that point, they decided to invest in their marriage by investing in my program.
"We were concerned about the price, but my husband said he was willing to try anything to help us. He was so sincere and I really needed more help, so we purchased your program."Once they received the program, they were inspired by the success of the other couples, who gave them hope that they, too, could work through their issues.
"Once we got into the program, I was encouraged by the daily emails, but more importantly, the references to the other couples detailed in the program and how they healed their marriages through the three phases you coached us through."

"My husband and I working together to rebuild us."

"One of the biggest benefits is the help I received to help my husband understand what I was feeling and going through. He got it, but not to the extent that he did after your program showed me how to express myself. Then, he really understood and did not like what he felt."
Also, your program helped me to understand why we had hit a wall in getting past where we were. I had made him leave when I found out about the affair. He came back the next day, upset, apologizing, remorseful and begging to come home.
Dr. Gunzburg, your program made me realize that I got the heartfelt apology and showing us the way. My husband is learning how to be transparent and earning my trust. The closeness the program has brought to my husband and myself makes your program priceless."

Restoring the Trust

I read on, wanting to learn more about Valerie and her husband. Had they worked out their issues and developed the missing trust that she needed? Had our program helped them to rebuild their marriage, and if so, what part of the program was most beneficial to them? Valerie tells how the program created awareness, openness, and even intimacy in their relationship:
"What has helped to restore the passion and some trust in our relationship was all the material on transparency. My husband has always been pretty good at checking in and letting me know where he was (even if he wasn't where he said he was at times), but the program has made it more clear to him as to why he needs to do this. And this has eased my suspicions a great deal.
"Also, it has taught him little things to do to help me feel better about us. I often come downstairs to my office and see I love you notes on my monitor, even little post-its. I get many e-mails throughout the day of how much he is missing me and can't wait to come home and hold me.
We have taken time out in the day to take breaks, lie in bed and hold each other. And although we are just entering the phase about how to communicate, we are talking a great deal. This is something my husband never really did in the past. Now, we talk about everything and really enjoy it. By talking so much, I have begun to open up again and I am more trusting."
Valerie admits it hasn't always been easy. She attests to the fact that saving a marriage requires work and patience.
"I still have bad days but most are good. One day, he was out with a person from corporate, and he failed to call and check in, like he has been. I sent him two loving e-mails and got nothing back in return. Let me tell you my trust plummeted from an 8 to 0 in a matter of hours.
I finally sent him an e-mail saying that I am not feeling really secure right now. Is Jim really in town? He immediately e-mailed me back and apologized, and asked how my day was.
Then, he followed up with a phone call in which I could hear Jim talking in the background. Whew, not very comfortable. But, because of your program he knew what he did wrong and why he should have made time to e-mail or call.
He knew exactly how I was feeling and why I was doubting him. Again, thank you for the material on being transparent. We are back on track."
Valerie G.California

Valerie isn't alone. There are many couples facing similar issues with trust, communication, and confused feelings, maybe you.
Valerie and her husband are just one of the many I'm glad to know that we've been able to help, giving them the tools they need to overcome their fears and pain, while also giving them the much needed support and compassion from knowing they're not alone.
Others have experienced many of the same feelings, and they are testimonials to the fact that even the damaged relationships can be repaired—some even better than ever before.
Here are the sections that Valerie was referring to inside my program:

• Taking responsibility for your relationship: Seeing through the eyes of your partner (p. 136)
• Asking for forgiveness: Understanding your partner's pain (p 137)
• Talking about the affair (p. 148)
• Transparency: The most direct road to rebuilding trust (p. 196)
• Building transparency through confessions (p. 206)

Are you like Valerie and her husband, knowing that you need help, but aren't certain where to turn? If so, I hope sharing Valerie's story with you has helped to give you the confidence and reassurance that your marriage can be saved.

My program is an investment in the most important relationship in your life. I hope it gives you the same hope and healing which I'm pleased Valerie and her husband received.

If you are considering using How to Survive an Affair as a program to help you heal, let me reassure you of one thing.
If you invest in the program, just give it a serious effort. If you doesn't work for you or your spouse after a few months still isn't willing, then I want you to call or email my customer service representative Hannah and she will return every dime.

This is the same counsel I provide to every client that comes to see me. The value to you is that you can do it on your own time instead of coming in for 10 sessions.

Take charge of your relationship.

Regards,

Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.