Stuck in MLC?
Hello All:
Am so grateful to have found this site and know I'm not losing mind totally. I know were all different and MLC may be shorter for some and longer for others. I have been in this for 2 years now and starting to wonder if I really do need to make a life change. It's amazing how our minds work. I think and dwell on things I never did before; almost too much that it's making me depressed. I have the best wonderful Husband for 30 good years; kids are grown and moved out 3 yrs ago. I have been to Christian counseling in which I learned that I need to fill the emptiness from my old busy life and that I am unknowingly grieving my parents still (because I still feel I need them) everything and everybody I loved has either died or moved away. The counselor suggested a part time in addition to my FT job, or volunteer work in which I believe either is a good idea because i can't sit still for long type of person. I believe I can work all of that out BUT why after 2 years I still feel like I want a separation. He has been so loving and understanding I feel guilty. Usually just 30 minutes after I walk in the door from work, I am depressed by that time, I hadn't been all day, but as soon as I get home and know that nothing is the same anymore. I get depressed. I started going out for walks, husband will absolutely NOT do and I understand because he is on his feet all day. But, I do have and am guilty of almost our entire marriage is that I always wanted to be single; and my husband knows it; always has. I had tried to leave 2 other times once only after being married 3 years; and then again about 15 years ago. I let him and everyone else talk me into staying and YES I do love him after 30+ years of course. But it's not the committed 100% love; so that is why I am thinking after 2 years maybe I do need to be honest to him and myself and separate. I think he would still be supportive, but I know I would want to date other men and that is being honest, but if I don't do it and stay, I am afraid I would turn resentful towards him eventually. Your thoughts please.
Rose:
I am sorry that I was able to respond to you right away. Welcome to the forum....I am sorry that you have to be here.
Why do you believe you have not been able to attach to your husband? Have you ever heard of attachment avoidance?
Oh and by the way, I am a great proponent of Christian Counseling...BUT...the type that you received...telling you to fill up your holes with activities...avoid and ignore...keep stuffing that crap back down inside. I went to several counselors Christian and Secular that told me the same thing. It wasn't until I went to a Christian Counselor that understood unresolved issues and was willing to help unpack all my emotional baggage with me. It was a very painful process...I avoided it for many years...but by the time I got to him I was almost totally Broken Open. He helped me put the pieces back to gether right....in the end my marriage was saved... and he equipped me to be alone if one day that is how I need to live my life.
I am not saying that this is true with you...all I am suggesting is making sure that you have done everyting you can for yourself and for your family before you leave it...don't have an affair. You won't really know your husband's actual reaction until he knows about it...you won't know how he feels for sure. I don't know many men who willingly share their wives with another man...at least not in our culture/society (North American).
Can you think of any other things that might have triggered your feelings? Death in the family, illness, caretaking parents, move, retirement, job loss, not meeting potential or acheiving dreams, becoming a grandparent, empty nest...these are important factors if they have occurred...one or several...over the past five to ten years. You already seem to have one...Empty Nest"....what else can you think of?
Start reading here and looking at the book list that I have posted at the WINMLC Bookstore.
Keep coming and expressing your feelings and getting help.
Welcome.
Shepherdess
Yes my sons' are gone now out on their own; I am still grieving my parents that have been gone now for 7 years. I am bored out of mind at home and have been for the 2 years they have been gone; I have allowed myself to get easily irritated with my husand by the little stupid things he does every day; like pet peeves to the point I am not enjoying him or appreciating him. How did I let this happen? He is so very supportive of this MLC and tries to keep his distance but is loving and supportive at the same time. Husband told me if I left, he could not bear to see me on a friendship basis as it would be too hurtful for him. I felt like he was forcing me to make a decision. I thought a separtion was a time to reflect and figure out things? After 30 yrs of marriage I can't believe we could not be respectfully cordial to one another. I also think that if he loved me as he says he does; he would want me to find out if my happiness is truly with him or out on my own. Remember my MLC is going on 2 years now; it's getting old and I just think I may never find out unless I try it out there. I am fully aware of the consequences and yes they do scare me as well. I will always wonder if I don't; and then I am afraid I will build up resentment in addition to the pet peeves. Not a good healthy combination whatsoever for either of us.
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