Having A Baby Later In Life Can That Be a Trigger

san:

Yes, there is a possibility that having a baby late in life might be a trigger: having a c-section can be traumatic, especially if it was unexpected, fertility medications throws a woman's hormones off-balance, let alone what happens to them following delivery (i.e. post-partum depression)...it takes up to two years for a woman's body to re-calibrate after having a baby.

Something was a brew before the baby came though...children are not suppposed to fill a person's emptiness or holes...they are blessings or additions to what should be an already loving relationship...an expression of two people's love for one another.

The fact that she had a baby to fill a void AND she is having an affair is yet another way of filling a void tells me, that this is NOT about your marriage or you...it is about your wife and unresolved issues in her life.  

You being a wimp will have to stop unless YOU want to share your wife AND your daughter with another man, while YOU remain married to your wife.  Kind of sounds like having her cake and eating it too, doesn't it?

How confusing this must be for your daughter...is the OM Uncle So-n-so?

The insight you will get is in amogst the many posts here at the forum.  Start reading! Then come back and ask question and get encouragement. 

Next...you need to stop being a wimp and grow a backbone...stop being scared that she will leave you...she already has...she is having an affair with an OM right in front of your face and she is dragging your young daughter along with her. She is using you to stay comfortable while she is running around playing teenager. Start sticking up for yourself, your daughter, your family AND your marriage!  If she can't handle it then apparently she gets to go be with the guy who is filling up the emptiness at the present moment....and without your daughter in tow.

Your wife needs counseling...YOU are enabling her affair...the two of you are co-dependent...and your daughter is going to be the victim of the two of you not doing what is right for her first.  Both of you need to place her first in all of this...if she was first priority...the affair would be ended and you would wholeheartedly working on your marriage OR the two of you would be getting a divorce....but she wouldn't be exposed to another person whom her mother is having a romantic affair with...would she?

Time for counseling. Time to tell her to end the affair or the marriage is over.  Time to stop allowing her to use you as a doormat.  It is only time before she packs her stuff and your daughter and leaves you standing there all alone.  

The two of you are NOT dating...you are married...it all sounds so casual and "Oh, well!" 

Sorry....but there is child involved...if you don't do something,  you both will end up losing her.

Shepherdess

Thank you Shepherdess for your honesty. That's why I came here.  Yes, there were issues prior to the birth of our daughter.  I didn't think it was with us though.  She has had a traumatic life. Molested at age 7 and didn't tell anyone until she was 14.  Her best friend disappeared when she was 15 and is still listed as a missing person. About 9 months after we married her mother died of cancer, she lost her fight very quickly. At the same time her 33 year old brother ( her mentor, best friend) was fighting for his life battling cancer. He lost his battle 2 months after their mother. He died on Father's Day, leaving behind a wife and 2 year old son. It was a horrible time and the list goes on.
When our daughter was 18 months, her other brother that we were very close to, moved away. The following month their oldest brother died.  That's when I started noticing her changing.
Can you give some specific examples of what you would say to her or what you would do?  I am terrible at this and need direction. 

I was going to take the abrasive, "grow a pair" approach to this, but since you're aware that you're not handling this situation properly (and have come here for help), hectoring you wouldn't do much good - and would in fact, probably run you off.

Clearly, your wife is showing you and your small daughter absolutely no respect. I'm disgusted that she takes that little girl to meet the 'other man.' (You need to put a stop to that immediately!) I made the same mistake as you in that I moved out after confirming my wife's affair. But I can tell you in complete honesty that leaving the marital home was my last serious tactical error. It's been war since then - first a war for my very survival, and then, a war of aggression to rebuild my life, slam my infidel of a wife back into some semblence of humility, and, most importantly, to protect my son.

Yes, the son was and remains key to me. Even in the early weeks, when I was so dumbstruck with grief and a sense of betrayal that I could barely get up out of my recliner, I threw up a multi-layer cordon around him - and I did so methodically and deliberately. I spoke personally to every single one of my old neighbors and explained to them exactly what was going on - and what vehicle my wife's boyfriend drove and what he looked like. Thus, I had approximately 20 sets of eyes watching my house 24/7. To date - nine months later - my son hasn't met the other 'man.' And as far as I can tell, the SOB hasn't set foot in my old house. I then outted the affair to my wife's work place (where the love birds met) and to the other man's family (he's not married, so I had to settle with his father). In my letter to the father, I made it clear that it would be very much in his son's best interests if he never, ever laid eyes on my child - much less met him. The work place outting was really just about revenge, and it felt great. It also put the lovers on the defensive, and shamed them. I also met with the Mother Superior of my son's school and told her about the events that had plunged my kid from a Dean's List student to a straight 'D' and "F" student in literally a matter of weeks. I met with each of his teachers and did the same. They needed to understand why a good boy had gone sour on them, and that something a bit softer than the normal Catholic School approach to discipline needed to be applied in his case.

I've had him in counseling since November, which has helped tremendously.

My point is: you need to tell your wife to go to hell, and you need to step up in a big way for your little girl. She is absolutely helpless. You've let your wife run roughshod over both of you. Take the gloves off, and start defending yourself and your daughter. Your wife sounds like a textbook case of MLC - which means she really isn't thinking about anything except herself right now. And that includes her own flesh and blood. (You aren't even a factor in her thinking.)

A year-long affair? Ouch. I'm not sure why you tolerated that, but you did, and that's that. But no longer. Kick your wife's butt out of the house and get a divorce lawyer. Right now! If her boyfriend is married, contact his wife and tell her - but DO NOT tell your wife what you're up to. Keep your own counsel. Don't talk to your wife about anything except finances and your daughter. Anything you tell her "in confidence" will be used against you later. Remember, her loyalties are with her boyfriend - not you. You're the enemy! The bad guy. Hard to digest, I know, but true.

I'll post more later.

By the way, I was 43 and my wife 42 when my disaster exploded - just like you. (My son, however, is 13.)

Good luck and keep posting.

Basil Duke   

basilduke is giving good counsel here...

I would give her an utltimatum first before you kick her out. This is what she needs to do to stay married, with you and with your daughter:

End the affair immediately.
No contact with the OM afterwards
She starts individual counsleing immediately to deal with her unresolved issues dealing with loss and illness.
The two of you will go into marriage counseling as soon as the IC says she is ready.

If she is unwilling to end the affair then she must leave without your daughter.

Your daughter is not allowed to have contact with the OM at any time.

Place your daughter as your number one priority now, plus your own health and mental well being.

Get to a lawyer and find out what you can and can not demand of your wife or do.  Ensure that your child safety is assured.  Your daughter is not a possession, she is a person that needs attention...her mother is not being a mother right now.  Make sure you are keeping any physical evidence of the affair, phone records, e-mails...whatever.

Shepherdess