my wife just left

Phate451

Sorry that you had to come to this site and  WE are really sorry for your sitch(situation).  Shepherdess will address your questions alot better then I can and with MUCH MORE experiance then I but since I am awake at this ungodly hour I thought I would respond to your post as I know the empty feeling you have inside at this moment.  Please come here oftes, read and write posts it will help you to MOVE FOREWARD and to understand exactly what is going on with you and your W.

Peace my frineds

Please give us some more information.  Age, children, possible triggers, your cultural background.

Whether you are able to get your wife back or not..detaching would be the smartest thing to do at this point.  It will take the sting away.

Consider getting legal representation to protect you and your assets.  You are in pain and hurting right now...in shock...this is when you can be caught unaware and much financial damage occurs in the beginning when the H is suffering from shock about being left or that there is an affair going on.  Don't be one of these men.  Get to a lawyer and make sure she doesn't clean you out of everything that you have built up over your marriage.  It is better to be safe then sorry. Think of it as your protecting things, so in case she comes back, she has something to come back to...

I am unsure what to say to you at this point without more information...but the fact that she has moved home to Mexico, which is where the OM is...well, it will be hard to lure her back, especially if there isn't children involved.

Keep Posting...and reading as much as you can.  We are here to help you get through this time.

Shepherdess 

I'm from California.  She's from Mexico.  Our whole relationship was me giving and her taking.  I don't ever remember going to her for something I needed.  In fact I don't remember her ever in 11 years giving me a card or email saying she appreciates me as a husband and loves me.  When the economy took a downturn, we had to downgrade our lifestyle and she seemed upset.  It seemed like she resented me for some financial troubles which killed me.  We don't have kids thank God, I've aleady done a legal seperation. 

She says she's not looking for a relationship and just wants get a job and sort out her life.  But the fact she moved to Mexico where that guy is, and all the lies she's told me over the last year makes it hard to believe she's not pursuing him. 

I don't think I even would take her back but I sometimes want for her to want to come back.  I don't think I'll ever be able to wrap my head around the affair.  Do these women ever look back and realize what a huge mistake they made?  Will she really find happiness with this guy?  I mean this guy is leaving his wife and kid to be with her and she's leaving me to be with him.  How can a relationship founded on lies and deceipt survive?  I was nothing but a loving husband to her, perfect? no, but loving and compassionate.

How can people live with themselves after doing this to their marriage?

Posted by Basil Duke, moderator

Phate, hello. Sorry, man.

This might sound cold, but your wife might not be in MLC; she might just be a bad person. Or at least a self-centered, money-oriented person who cut and run for more profitable pastures. From your post, it's pretty clear she wasn't exactly drowning you in woman's love - even in the early going. Looks as though you had radically different perceptions about what constitutes a loving relationship.

One of my dearest friends recently endured a similar situation. Weirdly, his ex is Mexican, too. (I'm not implying anything here; just stating a fact.) She married him, talked him into financing her own business - and as soon as it got up and running, she took a lover and divorced my friend - and nearly ruined him financially in the process. Went after EVERYTHING he'd spent his entire adult life building, and got a lot of it. And to this day, she hates HIM! Directs a nearly ceaseless line of venom at him at every opportunity.

So, no, in her case, I doubt that she'll ever look back and feel bad about what she did.

At this point, you should probably stop wondering what your wife is thinking, or what she might think later, and proceed with the conviction that she's gone for good. Protect yourself at all hazards. Don't try to engage her in dialogue about anything but the divorce. It'll get you nowhere, I promise you.

Good luck and keep posting.

I must agree with Basilduke:  My gut reaction when I first read your opening post was that this woman used you while she got her degree and as soon as she didn't need any more...she left.  Your follow-up post pretty much confirms my gut feelings about your wife...she doesn't sound like a woman in love at all...she sounds like a woman who used you as a stepping stone to bigger and better things.  I hope that I am not being too blunt...but I think the sooner that you realize that this woman is not a woman in MLC...but just a woman who is a bad person and uses people to get where she wants to go...the sooner you will be able to find someone who truly loves and cares about you.

Grieve the end of this time in your life...but do not for one minute think that it was you who caused this...next time make sure the woman truly loves you and doesn't want to use you...then marry her.  Protect everything that you have...she will certainly try to get it from you...and yes...thank God there are no children!

Keep posting.

Shepherdess

phate451,
Your W could be either of the above - but she is gone and either way, will be for a while.

 Don't be in a big rush to find another R - find you. This will take time, too many rush this and the divorce #'s for 2nd marriages reflect this. We are not used to spending time alone and allot of the US is geared for "couples" and "families" but there are also many things and place to explore............

I would recommend a good Bible based Church with a strong Men's group - and making Male friends who are not spending their lives chasing Women.