My first post

Hi Again,

After doing some more reading, I thought I should add some further information which may help someone to help me.

Triggers? - My mother is not well, and she herself went through MLC and left me aged 14yo.  I could never forgive her for what she did, but I find that for the first time in my life, I can understand why. I know that some people here will be upset at that statement, but we are adult enough to differentiate between understanding a behaviour and approving of it. 

The second trigger that I can think of would be the growing up of my daughter.  Even though she went to live with her father 4 years ago to be part of a larger family, we were always extremely close (she is 15yo), and it is only recently that she is working, lots of study, and lots of friends, so even though my nest has been empty for 4 years (my son is 25yo), this is the first feelings that I've had that I'm not needed in such an integral way anymore.  Yes... some maths would show that I had my son when I was 16yo.  This was in response to being left alone at aged 14yo, and my attempt at creating my own family to replace the one that deserted me.

Do I feel fight or flight?  Both.  My heart is running away with me, but common sense is trying to keep me grounded.

Escapes?  Yes.. all the usual, I suppose.  Internet, Alcohol (although I am aware of the alcohol and have taken back control)

Crying lots?  You bet!  but also laughing like I have never laughed before, even to the point of finding it difficult to stop.

I hope that extra information helps somewhat.  I know that it helped me to think about what could have triggered this.  I didn't really look at my marriage, because if I'm expected to go back into my husbands arms, then it doesn't really matter what I think.  It appears that the problem is mine, and mine alone.

Eli

Dear Eli,

I would reccomend  that you wait a response from Shepherdess and Sbreeze1 who have been where you have bee. My W is suffering as you are and at this point I would tell you the OM will not fulfill your emptyness..and only complicate thing further. Read the posts from Shepherdess and Sbreeze1 that are now on the site. Please do not get involved with the OM

MLBHOME

Dear mlbhome,
Sorry to hear that you are suffering in the same way that I am making my husband suffer.  I am causing him so much pain that I feel totally immobilised and confused.  I know that I should drop everything and go back to being the woman that he wants, and I wish that there were two of me, so that I could give him what he wants while fulfilling some of my desires.
I hope the replies don't give me TOO hard a time.  While I know I deserve it, and I will try to listen to everything, I'm also experiencing quite a lot of emotions myself at the moment.
Eli

I am writing this late...You must get The Worn Out WOman and The Walk Out Woman.

Please keep reading here at the forum.  Even read the men's posts, so you will see and realize what you will do your husband AND your children (no matter their age).

I will come back on in the AM and respond.  Please read sbreezes posts, she has had a a similiar childhood issue as yours...you will get great understanding from she has gone through...she is still with her husband and has made through the MLC storm.

mlbhome is right...your answer is NOT in this relationship with the man on the internet...it is a tease...a temporary thrill...you are putting a band aid on a big hurt that has been festering since your mother left you at 14 years old.  THis internet Romeo can not make you better...laugh maybe...make things better...NO!  it will make things worse...

I'll be back.

Shepherdess

Hello, Eli, and welcome. I'm just going to start by echoing MLBhome: go through every thread here and read what Shepherdess and Sea Breeze have to say. I can't give you any advice that will approach their insight, but I can say this: your fascination with the individual on the internet is only going to lead to misery on a scale you can't imagine. Please cease your contact with this person. It's entirely possible that your marriage needs to end, but if it IS, conclude it with dignity. Don't demean your husband or yourself by pursuing a physical or emotional relationship with this - or any -person. You will regret it. I promise you, you'll regret it.

Keep reading and keep posting. And listen to the ladies here. And for some insight into where this is headed, pay close attention to the fellows, too.

Basil Duke
St. Louis, MO

I think it is wonderful how this forum can rally to to some one in pain. I'm so glad I found this place. Eli, follow the advice of Shepherdess and Sbreeze, they will give you the path you need to ride out this storm. From us guys who are also suffering the pain that CAN be inflicted on your loved ones incalcuable, I am going through it now. I can not tell you how many times my son (18) and my daughter (15) have picked me up or given me a shoulder to cry on as our lives collapsed. Please, Please....stop the OM relationship now!! It is NOT the answer, it is momentary fleeting feeling but the pain of betrayal will effect your husband and family for a lifetime.

It can not be taken back. Just stop and stay where you are and let the ladies help you,
PLEASE!!! There is help!!!
MLBHOME

Dear all,

Firstly, let me say a big 'Thank you' from the bottom of my heart for the time that you have taken to consider my situation and for the helping hand that you have extended to me.

I really am aware of the devastation that my actions are causing, and the trail of destruction that I am leaving in my wake.  As a child, I watched it destroy my father... I watched it destroy me.  I guess this is why I am unable to act (although I know that many people would say that I am acting enough by talking to another man).  I know that the RIGHT thing to do is to go and lock this lunatic away from the world before she can do any more harm.

My mother went through this for two years (at exactly the same age that I am now). She got herself a much younger lover, abandoned her family, and acted it all out.  This destroyed my father and me in many ways.  She returned after two years and has rebuilt her relationship with my dad.  On the other hand, my grandmother also went through the same thing, but stayed with her children.... and suicided!

I know that I am not these women, and I know that I can do a lot better than either of these two outcomes, but as human beings, we tend to live what we know.  I am afraid to lock this 'lunatic' up without a straight jacket to stop me self-imploding.

I feel like my life is an out of control speeding train.  I have an unpleasant choice to make... either let the train continue and run over my husband, my family, my life..... or crash the train before it gets too close to him and crash myself.... this way, while he would still receive collateral damage, the innocent party would be spared the worst of it and then I would be the victim of a tragedy of my own making.

I shall keep reading the posts.  Some of them are extremely difficult for me to read without feeling quite sick, especially the mens stories, as I watched all this turn my father into a shadow of himself many years ago.  It raises so much pain that I thought I had buried (never dealt with).

I receive your advice about stopping this relationship with OM. Having only had one night to think about all this, I would be lying if I said that being told to stop, was enough to stop me..... but.... I believe that I could slam the brakes on things.  If he loves me soooo much, he can surely wait while I deal with my own issues.  I know this will sound like a cop out to many of you, but... it would be a positive step forward, no?  Baby steps... baby steps...

Again, I want to say that I take every single word with an open heart and a thankful spirit.  Thank you.

Eli

Eli

As one of the men on this and other sites PLEASE DO NOT continue your "self destructing" ways!  I still am having a hard time trying to understand why we, the human race, seem to thrive on inflicting ALL THIS PAIN on our fellow man.  Weather it be through war, crime, physical and mental abuse, or yes MLC!  I have experienced this pain and grief first hand as have others here actually ALL of us here have or we wouldn't be here i guess?  Your fix for this OM....PLEASE STOP NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!  Shepherdess and seabreeze, as well as all of us, would love to help you but I think YOU have to help YOURSELF first with SELF CONTROL!  Read and Post often it does help knowing that YOU are not the ONLY ONE going through this situation.

Peace my friends

 eli:
The power behind what is going on within you is strong. You have many unresolved childhood issues in combination with a legacy of women who have not necessarily successfully transitioned through this stage of their life. By allowing your emotions to rule your actions YOU are continuing this legacy...You are keeping the chain of misbehaviors eternally linked...you pass this behavior on to your children...it will cause destruction AND the response of your family and husband is not guaranteed.

Fact, your mother did exactly what you are considering doing...it broke your father and you, though she was able to return two years later to your father. Good for her...but look at what it has done to you! What price did her, you, your father pay? You are leaning toward what your mother did because it fits what you want to do now...pursue this man on the internet. Your mother was allowed to go and figure this out and was welcomed back with forgiveness (you think). What lesson did you learn from what your mother did? What would your father tell you if you spoke to him about this? What would your mother say to you if you told her you were traveling the same road as she did? What would she do differently? What are her regrets? 

Fact, your grandmother chose to stay BUT she made her marriage her prison, which ultimately made her suicidal...PLUS in her day women didn't leave or divorce...you stayed and tolerated. Perhaps her marriage was bad, your Grandfather unforgiving, a man who was not of noble character...in any case, she chose to stay and allowed her choice to become the poison that ultimately killed her. Suicide is a choice. It is an act that occurs when a human feels trapped...they can no longer FIGHT...they can not FLY. Your mother watched this and chose to RUN because she could run. Her husband and her family was NOT your grandmother's husband and family...as your husband and family isn't your mother's or your Grandmother's...THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES!!!

BUT…..

You have a choice…

You have seen how things will go if you choose to stay and refuse to make the situation better and just tolerate it. It will put you in a prison.

You have seen how things go if you run. Maybe your husband will forgive you and take you back if you decide down the road that you made a mistake or maybe he will say: “I’m sorry dear, but you broke our marriage vow and committed adultery, I love you, but I will not take you back after all the hurt and pain you have caused me and the children (just because your kids are older doesn’t mean you will not hurt them…you will!) You rejected me, now I reject you!

Or…

You stop where you are right now! Realize that that there is a pattern here in the females of your family…none of you transition well. Realize that this is ALL about you, your self esteem…an inability to cope and deal with change. Running solves nothing. An affair is an escape or band aid for what is truly wrong. Get into individual counseling and work on your unresolved childhood issues, the anger that you have been stuffing about what your mother did to your family…GO to your husband and partner with him on all of this, instead of looking to a stranger for understanding and comfort. 

Let me be very BLUNT…if you are having an affair on the internet there is only ONE thing this man wants from you and it is not a long term relationship…please read my articles on Internet addiction. Internet affairs are created are for erotic self-esteem massages…even if it isn’t erotic (yet)…it is a HUGE fantasy…nothing is real…you don’t even know if this man is who he says he is…Internet relationship are fine and dandy until someone pressures the other to meet…then all of sudden the OM/OW pulls back or you find out the real truth. They are married with children OR they aren’t the good looking California model type; but a fat dumpy, telemarketer on their computer, having cyber-affairs from their mother’s basement …and YOU aren’t the only one he is talking to either!! If they do end up meeting with you all it is about IS the SEX…they don’t give D@mn about your feelings, what you are going through or will they end up marrying you or having a relationship with you…YOU are the other woman and if they are single…you are an adulteress…they ain’t bringing you home to Mama!

I encourage you to keep on reading here at the forum….contact me privately if you want to…I hope that sbreeze comes on and responds to you soon, as I believe she could really understand your childhood experience and help you through that part. If you need to talk we can...contact me here...check out the silver membership.  
But, honey right now what I see IS a run away train…you WILL crash and burn…and you are choosing to allow it!!!  

THINK first…Don’t FEEL first….THINK!!!

You have the choice

Shepherdess

I wish I could send these posts to my wife, or at least if she could have seen this one in the very beginning. We are on that runaway train to h#ll w/ my wife and we are trying to get off. Shepherdess is right on about acting on "feelings" vs. thinking. All i have heard from my wife is her "feelings" and doing what her heart says. Well, what happened to that lump 3 feet above your a*ss!!

I am living the recieving end of this with our kids. There is/was OM involved and you can not know the destruction in trust, betrayal, and lies that have happened. STOP now!! PLEASE. Someday you will have to be responsible for the CHOICES you make. My W says she can't help it, you can if you dedicate yourself to thinking and using your head to make choices.

My father was an alchoholic, ruined his life, our lives and drank himself to death in a seedy hotel.
I have been told that as a child of an alchoholic that I am destined to follow in those footsteps and possibly meet the same fate. That's how it was growing up. But today I'm alive with 2 fine children and up to 3 mos ago a loving wife. Do I have a beer now and then....yes. But I control it, it DOES NOT control me...why...because I will not be my father!! i refuse to follow that path!. You need to do the same. Refuse the path your emotions want you to follow. Contact Shepherdess, and when sbreeze comes on. They know what you are going thru, they have been thru the storm. Take the help,
make the right choice, I wish and still hope my W will.

MLBHOME

Hi all,

This is the perfect example of my problem. Everything I read says that I need to surround myself with people who won't force me to decide one way or the other, but will give me positive, supportive advice.  I feel like everyone is telling me what I HAVE to do.  Where is the choice in that? 

I thought that I would be taking a positive step by telling the OM that I needed to step back and think about my life.  Baby steps and all that... I thought I would at least be someone who was willing to try to take one step at a time.

I'm sorry but being told that I WILL crash and burn, I WILL destroy my husband, I WILL destroy my children, after all I am doing to get control of my behaviour, just makes me want to give up now.  So many women don't try, aren't honest about their feelings, tell lies.. etc...  At least I'm trying to keep it real and work through it.  If I have no choices, then why can't he just have me replaced with a blow up doll?

My reason for coming to this forum was to talk about the conflict I feel inside.  My husband thought that it would be helpful for me to not be so scared about expressing what is happening and I could receive some encouragement.  

I know you all think that I don't deserve any consideration, but I think I shall look for a softer approach to my problem.  There is too many stones being thrown at me with this approach, to possibly be of any good.  I am not rubbishing your approach, but it isn't for me. 

As for internet romances, I'm sure that you are right.  After all, that is how I met my husband of ten years in the first place.

All the best with your journeys, but I just need a more positive approach.  I will give all of this to my husband though, incase he wishes to take up the thread to gain further understanding of himself, myself and our marriage.

Be well,
eli

eli...you said you felt like a run away train...you said you felt like you were going to crash in to a wall...I was repeating back most of what you were saying to us to clarify...put things in to a perspective...if it seemed harsh...I am sorry...but much was what you were telling us in a nutshell... if I pushed too hard and was harsh maybe you are only looking at small sections of the big picture at a time.  The reason why you think we are being harsh is because the BIG picture IS hard to look at...overwhelming to a woman in MLC.  I know and understand this...Yes, Baby Steps is important...slowly understanding what is happening...thinking things through and not allowing the feelings to carry you away....enabling your behavior with this OM is not part of the deal.  
Please don't leave the forum...we can help you here.   If you would like to communicate privately, again I am offering this to you.  
I am sorry if we have put you off...but it scares us...I fear we had a kneejerk reaction. We were only trying to help...and I am the most at fault because I didn't realize how fragile your situation , but I can not enable you by being soft and by not telling you the truth and the reality of what your behaviors might do to your life.
Shepherdess

It is good that you recognize that you are heading or are headed the route MLC. My point was not to throw stones but to simply state the facts that yes you can do what you want, but that there are dire consquences to you and those around you. These are not maybe's or what if's these are simple facts.

Another point is that you do not and should replace decisionmaking based on feelings with common sense thinking. What you are looking for is a "softer" approach that will help enable your behavior. I am sorry I will not do that. Women seem to surrender control of themselves when the storm hits and look for any and all ways to justify the bad decisions they make, and the damage it causes. Look at the differences in your first post to this last one. You asked for help, it wasn't the type YOU wanted so, you're outta here. The first step in this process is recognition, and you have that, second is to turn and face down the demon that is trying to destroy your life. Your husband sounds involved that's good.....there are several good things that exist here, don't run!. Stay and share, nobody said this is easy. Please let Shepherdess and sbreeze1 help....

We here are either in it, been through it or are victims of the MLC storm. I'm a victim trying to regain what was my W. It makes no sense to me knowing what we know, been through what we have been through to tell you anything else. Please stay.........
MLBhome

"Everything I read says that I need to surround myself with people who won't force me to decide one way or the other, but will give me positive, supportive advice.  I feel like everyone is telling me what I HAVE to do.  Where is the choice in that? "
 
Eli  I don't think anyone here is telling you what you HAVE to do.  It is your choice.. I think people here are just concerned.  I think Shepherdess has been through this and is just trying to prevent others from going through what she went through. 
 
When I started going through this and yes I had an internet affair with someone I knew and had a crush on when I was young.  I know how you feel.  It does make you feel alive.  I didn't allow myself to continue it or leave my husband over it, but ultimately it wasn't to keep from hurting him... it was to keep from hurting MYSELF.  I knew that he wouldn't have wanted me to stay if leaving would be what made me happy.    I think the internet affair is just an illusion and I say that even though I still have the urge to go there.  I went there because I was unhappy and I am guessing you went there because you were unhappy.   If your marriage is making you unhappy you should address that.  It may not be a good thing for you to stay in your marriage... no one here knows enough about your situation to judge that.  But you might want to address the issues you are having with your marriage and then decide whether or not you should stay. 
 
One thing that really helped me was hooking up with a therapist.  I deliberately chose one who would not try to talk me into staying in my marriage.  But she did listen and say things like "you might want to think with your head instead of your heart"  much like what Shepherdess just said to you. 
 
I thought Shepherdess was being too harsh with me at one point too, but after I thought about it and reread what she had written I realized she was right. 

eli: have read your posts - you sound very confused - you say you are looking for a softer approach - what do you mean?  You want people to advise you that having an affair - internet or not - is okay, because your marriage is not happy.  That will not happen.  If your marriage is unhappy - leave it - walk away - live with the damage to your children - and - there will be damage - you experienced it yourself.

I have been through this mlc (mid life crap) and it is extremely painful, disconcerting and potentially destructive.  To your family, to your children - but primarily to you.  You are in a world that feels empty and joyless - unless you are talking to your OM.  Do you really think a man can make you feel again?  Do you really think that this OM is the answer to your inner turmoil and angst?  Do you really think that everything you have built in the last 10 years is worth someone you haven't even met?

"at least I am trying to keep it real" - sorry, but no you are not.  An internet affair is not REAL - never will be.  It may evolve into a relationship - you said that is how you met your husband.  Yet, ten years later you are terribly unhappy and disatisfied - please connect the dots.  You say your H has not provided you with the passion you need in the bedroom - that is a two sided coin - one cannot expect passion without giving passion. 

You are the product of a Mother who felt the need to follow her own path and leave her responsibilities as a mother behind - for someone else to take care of.  Do not do this to your children.  Break that cycle or your condemn them to travel the same path.  Look within yourself, deal with your demons - this is about YOU - only when you have done this can you make reasonable choices about your life - with or without your H.  You will NEVER find fulfillment or inner peace - even in the arms of another man - until you deal with the demons that are eating you alive.

been there, done that - thought I had dealt with my Mother's abandonment of me - intellectually I had - but emotionally I was tormented - it ruled my life - it fuelled my inner rage - it made me feel worthless and unlovable - although I wasn't really aware of it.  It tainted my world view and my self view.  You need to deal with your childhood abandonment - because it will continue to rule your life until you do.

PEACE

Sorry guys, I'm just not up to the argument.
I will say this though.
No.. I did not come here wanting someone to approve my behaviour.
Equally, I did not come here wanting someone to tell me to leave my husband, either.
It's a gross generalisation to say that because I met my husband as a penpal on the internet, that I should be connecting dots, and that the missing "ingredient" in the bedroom is me. You can't possibly know me to make such horrible accusations at me.
I'm sure that there is some really positive stuff that is being said, but I really am too confused at the moment to sift through the personal issues and attacks being raised. I am being superimposed over everyones personal experiences, and my own voice is not being heard, but attacked.
I did write a long post earlier explaining my need to develop my decision making abilities through greater information, but I've talked about decisions from the very beginning and nobody has heard me, so this family-destroying whore who has no self control, will try to find somewhere where she can feel like a valid human being again, who can be empowered to do the best thing for her life.
Good luck,
eli

I am sorry eli...but you accuse us of missing your point when you are missing ours. Not one of us called you a "family-destroying whore who has no self control"...you called you that...the women here have walked in your shoes for many miles...none of us would ever say that to another woman stuggling.   

I was you just five years ago...thought everyone was judging me, refused to listen and begging for knowledge and help...projecting my thoughts on to everyone.  I walked away from Path Partners knowing that the people there were telling me truths but refused to listen.  Six months later...battered and bruised, grieving after being used by a very selfish, self-centered man and almost destroying my marriage and family...I came back to PP asking for help...this time with eyes and ears open. I saved myself, my marriage and my family...when I returned.  

You will always a have a place here.  I understand that you don't have the bandwidth to argue these points. Be safe...know that you can come here when ever you want.  I wish you well...

Shepherdess

I was not calling myself a "family-destroying whore who has no self control"... I was reacting to such statements as...

PLEASE STOP NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!
I think YOU have to help YOURSELF first with SELF CONTROL!
right now what I see IS a run away train…you WILL crash and burn…and you are choosing to allow it!!!
Well, what happened to that lump 3 feet above your a*ss!!
Women seem to surrender control of themselves when the storm hits and look for any and all ways to justify the bad decisions they make
(just because your kids are older doesn’t mean you will not hurt them…you will!) You rejected me, now I reject you!

My point is that it is really hard to listen to the words underneath the barbs. I'm sure if I took the personal digs out of this topic, there is some really excellent stuff, but I feel that I have been slandered as a "family-destroying whore who has no self control". Not a great start to a friendship.

Maybe when my skin is a bit thicker (or bruised), I'll come back and willingly take the thinly veiled insults in return for some insight. There is some great stuff here, but it is hard when it comes from people who are sooo emotionally connected and injured (and my being so emotionally charged).

I'll come back in a couple of days and try to sift through for the "pearls of wisdom" that were said. I agree that my emotional reaction to certain comments has blinded me to some true wisdoms.

One day at a time... Baby Steps... :)

eli