in crisis

My wife hasn't gone so far as to have a PA and I'm ready to cut her loose if she doesn't maintain no contact.  If she goes so far as to scheme to have a physical affair with someone she knows it will be over.  She has betrayed your trust and continues to do so.  Keep telling yourself, she doesn't care about you she only cares about herself.  Don't beat yourself up, she's already done that and you need to protect yourself.  She has lost all concept of reality and won't get it back until she is under the slime in the bottom of the gutter.  And if you are willing to pull her out of there, clean her up, and accept her back in your life, more power to you.  But until she is there, she isn't going to change and you shouldn't give in to her idiotic, selfish games.

Hang in there, you're doing the right thing.

Second guessing does you no good at this point...what has happened is/or was meant to be for a reason that not even you or I know...like I said before women who are severely addicted like this need to totally broken to stop it OR have forced/vigilant protection and guidance from staying away from what they are addicted to...OM.  This happens if the family is vigilant OR the OM cuts it off and refuses to be a part of the fantasy any longer.  Either way...it is cold turkey time!

Second guessing is wasting your time and energy...you need to stay in this moment and preparing for the future and how you will deal with it. 

But remember..Say what you mean and mean what you say...Now, is the time that all of you need to follow through on anything you said to her.  If your son said he wouldn't speak to her if she didn't cut off contact then he needs to remind her of this and then stop communicating or responding to her text messages...same goes for your daughter...YOU have already followed through on most of what you have told her...just keep on doing so.

PLEASE understand I am NOT saying be mean, brutal or harsh with her...I am saying be neutral, even tempered, forceful...stir in a tiny bit of compassion...and mean a tiny drop...and repeat the truth...not allowing history to be rewritten...THIS goes for everyone involved. 

Pray unceasingly for patience and strength...especially to resist the urge to enable her or become co-dependent.  Focus in on you, your daughter and even your son though he is away at school...this must be so hard on him, as it is his first time off to college....make it as easy as you can on him.

Please consider getting IC for yourself or mentoring during this time, so you will not lean on your children for help and solace.  It really isn't a good idea to lean on her family more than you have to for support..she IS their family member...blood is thicker then water....at some point when or if it is apparent she will not come around...they will have to detach themselves from you at least to a point that is appropriate...she will remain their family no matter what...they don't have to like what she has done...but they do still love her.

I am praying for you.

Shepherdess

MLB:

Basil has spoken some hard core truth.and if this means anything...my husband would totally agree with what he has said...in fact, when I asked him his opinion yesterday...he said: " DONE! Last nails in the coffin..No going back...SHE chose the OM!  He should be on the phone speaking to his lawyer.  If she had gone to a hotel, the parents...a friend's house...different story..she ran to the the OM...Nope...he can call this one DONE!"

Don't second guess yourself at this point...SHE is the one that has to work hard at earning anything back....and I mean anything!!!!  She gambled...risked everything...now she has lost!  This is why you have to be so forceful...even if she wins a little...it makes the risk worth it!

Shepherdess

Thanks guys...I understand, and I will put that plan in motion. I will talk to the kids also. Shep tell your husband Thanks!! I need all the help I can get. Basil, Thanks for the cold water, that's the second one today, my son hit with the first one.

Ok, here's the plan

I will detach, communicate only if I have to, if she brings up any issues, I will calmly and sternly refute them. I will use the buzz  words, liar, cheat, adultress, betrayer if possible.

I will talk to my D about her spending time alone with W, I will tell her that I will be with in earshot if she needs me to shut things down, or if W starts the guilt thing or crazy jusifications of her actions.

I will talk to both children about NO contact till W breaks off relationship. My son only answers when she texts him, he does not contact her.

I f she wants to seeD, she can not visit her in the house. She can p/u at home, but no visiting in the house to do laundry, cook us a meal, like last time.

It sounds like you want this end of things shut down as far as wife interacting with us. Ok I'll start at the VB game later.

Thanks soooo much

She needs a wake-up call...realize what she losing ..what she has risked....Regret can be a good thing....as long as she takes action to resolve it quickly....regret far after the fact...is just hurt and pain a person has to live with.

Shep

PS Please know that I am not saying you should be MEAN about any of this....please eliminate "Stern" from your vocabulary...neutral, matter-of-fact...you chose, now here are the consequences we warned you about...attitude instead.  This is how you and your children...even her family should react.  The idea is to not enable...not to necessarily alienate or punish.  By doing this you are forcing her to think and consider, instead of just feeling the emotion...this is what is driving her MLC train right now...her emotions....she isn't really thinking...reasoning, considering the repercussions of her actions. 

IMPORTANT: TAKE NOTE!!  The only time that all this is thrown out the window is IF she becomes so depressed or upset that she becomes a danger to herself or others.  I must say this because YES, this can be a possibility...keep it in the back of your mind, BUT don't allow it to cause you to enable her behavior...test for manipulation first.  If in doubt, lean toward the possibility that she could be in danger of harming herself...offer help to a point but at a different level than before as a husband....you are not her savior any more...she chose this..not you!  You can facilitate finding someone who can help...but you aren't the helper.

Shepherdess

my D told her that I did not want to sit by her at the VB game which prompted the text " I think it's best to be civil and sit together for our D and appearences". I sent back "me sitting by u makes u uncomfortable". She sent " never said I didn't like sitting by u. I sent " We are not together anymore because ur having an affair and living w another man. U have lied, betrayed, and cheated on me and the kids, and destroyed our family, that's why I'm not sitting w/ u."

So we sat away from each other, she looked very uncomfortable, texting away.
At the end she went  see the D I stayed near by, and she walked out ahead of us, weepy. Outside my D yelled "bye  Mom" and she really broke up.

I stopped by her work on my way to work put her mail in front of her and left w/o a word. She texted me "thanks I appreciate it", I sent back "I didn't do it as a favor to you, I did it so there is one less manipulative excuse for u to come to the house." She sent 'Now I'm manipulative??"  I sent back,
"All addicts are manipulative liars only interested  in what they want." I also told her that I am no longer paying her personal expense like cell phone and ins. on her vehicle. I told her the amount to pay them, and the date I need it by, or I will cx them.

Also said that I would pursue a split of our debt and kid expenses which would cost her 720.00 per month in addition to her daily living expenses and lawyers fees. I told her to tell her boyfriend that u won't get much money, but a lot of debt.

No meanness, just business like. I have not heard back.

So that's what I've done so far, I have an lawyer to call Tuesday, when her deadline expires.

MLBHOME

Sounds like she's getting what she wanted: a life unencumbered by nuisances like a husband and children. From her tears, though, it sounds like there's something of an adjustment period for her. But at least she still had the strength and clarity of mind to rattle off texts to her idiot throughout your daughter's volleyball game. A woman's got to have her priorities.

Ahhh, I remember those glorious days - the manic texting days. Is there any more powerful indication of what you're dealing with than the sight of a 47-year-old woman molesting her Blackberry like she's a 15-year-old? God, that is just so sad. And yet so common.

You're seizing control of your life, MLB. Reclaiming it, even. I know it hurts, but it's got to be done. I was an icy SOB to my wife for a very long period of time, but that's what I HAD to do to keep detached. She hates me for it, but so what? I wasn't the one sleeping with someone young enough to be my own child. I endorse your repeated reminders to your wife that she's sleeping and living with another man. It's a mantra that she needs to hear - an audible reminder that her new lifestyle is a moral abomination. All I have to do to send my ex into a shrieking rage is to mention that "You're an adulteress." That REALLY upsets her. See, in her mind, she'd developed a template to excuse her fornication - justified it internally, albeit mutely. But when she hears the actual words, her sex acts with a college punk don't seem quite so empowering and righteous. They just sound scummy. Which they are.

Keep up the fight, MLB Home.

Peace.

Basil Duke
St. Louis, MO
Moderator  

I also reminded her that this Bozo has NO obligation to her that he told her he would love her for ever no matter what. I told her you are living in his place, once legal things get filed and finished you will have half our debt, and very little else to start their new life. No judge ( none here in Texas I have spoken to 2 who are Lodge brothers from Family Court) that parents who abandon kids do not fair well in the courts. Partcularly when the family gets dumped because of an affair. I said that is a REALITY.

I told her he has no obligation to you, or your debt. He can toss you at will, more easily then she ditched us. I told her you will have no money, no OM, no me, or kids....

No smart a$$ to it, just straight business like texts.

Now that you've spelled it out, give it some time to set in - like a blood stain on fabric. You're doing well NOT to be a wise acre about this. You've injected reality into her fantasy - now, let her ponder things. (If you hit her with too much of it, it'll just make her mad to the point that she'll summarily reject what you're saying. I learned that the hard way.)

I just sent copies of the texts to my son so he is up to speed, he agrees 100%.

She is acting just like a spoiled 15 yr old, and I could see her saying  in her the texts....do you believe the weiner husband of mine won't sit by me....sombody might think we are having problems!!!

Fingers could not type fast enough. It is the classic she wants me to support her while she screws around. I mean how in her mind could she tell people who know what she's doing and IN PRINT that she wants a divorce, then tell me she doesn't want one. Can she REALLY believe in her mind that what she has done and is doing does not justify a divorce??

I am going to keep turning the screws not maliciously, just business like reality.

I was in a different barrel then you, insofar as the subject of divorce was concerned. Wifey began her wretched affair, THEN forced our separation and THEN filed for divorce. She wasn't messing around. Apparently, she wished very strongly to remove me from her life. Go figure! A catch like me and all. Crazy.

Any way, I don't really have any insight for you on where your wife is 'at' mentally speaking. Clearly, she's confused and afraid - and arrogant and selfish and committing adultery. Wants this and wants that, even though both are in conflict with the other. Remember: you will not find sanity in a bucket of crazy. Stop trying to mine her brain for clues. You know all you need to know: she's sleeping with another man and lives with the turd in his apartment. Take care of business, MLB Home. Keep on rawkin'.

my so just texted my that he is done for the week at school so he is heading home to surprise hi sister (it's an hour and half drive)

I asked are going to let mom know??. He said I have no reason to see her, we'll just play it by ear. I figure he's 18, on his own, make his own desicions.

Basil your right, I'm gonna do my upmost to stay above the fray, detached, business like in dealing with this.

Like I said in her world she wants to get the emotional interventions from him, finances from me, and the mom stuff, as needed. That's what she "wants". How that came about, what "hole" is trying to fill,
why can't she see it, you know as well as I do ...I don't know.

I guess you go with the situation and information in front of you as flawed as it is and hope the Lord is guiding you along.

MLB Home:

Basil IS again right...step back let all of this stuff sink in....this is when reality sets in...IF you over do it she will just get angry and use your hard tact against you as justification and blame....NO ONE will remember the history...they will only remember what they are seeing you do now, which is justifiable IF a person knows the whole story...BUT...no one knows the whole story except for those involved.  LET THIS SETTLE FOR A FEW DAYS!!!  

GO TO THE LAWYER NOW!!!! DO NOT WAIT UNTIL THE TIME HAS EXPIRED! At least make the appointment...you can always cancel if things change in the next few days. You need to know information about how you can handle this NOW....if she gets to next Tuesday and does nothing ...plan for everything to drop that day or the next.  Waiting leaves you unprepared...without a plan...The statement next Tuesday is...as you leave your lawyers card at her desk with the mail:  "Your time is up...I see you are happy the way things are...have your lawyer contact my lawyer."  With no expression and a smart turn out the door.

We will discuss this further during our consult.

Shepherdess 

I agree with the settlement of events. However my son came home early to be with his sister ( they are very close) and my W met 2 girl friends for dinner. My wife was going to stop by to drop off some school supplies she bought and my son texted her not to come. Well this set off several texts from one of her girl friends trashing my son and telling him that she was the parent. My son, fired off a return text that said after all that she has done to him, his sister and his dad, there was no way he was going to have some one side informed friend tell him how to feel, my mom knows what she has done, and why I feel this way. This girl friend fired off anther about how much the W is hurting and so on. I told my son to let it go, don't get into a debate.

Later I did send a text to the W saying you should explain to your friend that your son is expressing his feelings that u are having an adulterous affair, lied too many times to count, and are now living with OM while still married. If your friend wants to help ask to stay on her couch so that your children can at least say that your not living with him.

I got no response. Apparently also in the text from the girlfriend the W was very upset.

You would think these friends and I know them both well would offer a couch to their friend but somehow they won't.

Any way I have been direct, business like...not mean. My son is very angry,
he and the W were always close till all this started, and he has been lied to enough. There were and are things in his life he wants her to share but there is not enough room in her heart for him. I am working on him to control his temper.

I will make lawyer appt.

Had to drop off phone charger to W at work...it's on my way. I asked if I was calling an attorney, she said she didn't know.

I told her that I was calling one today as the situation is such that she no longer wants us or me. She said we can talk about it but obviously not at work. Told her we don't need to talk, she has been vacilating back and forth for months, has the affair is continuing it, now living with him ( she said where was she to go she had and has no $$,). I told her it's a simple question of us or him, decide.

She wants to talk about it, I said I just need an answer but I'm calling anyway.

MLB HOME

You've talked enough. She's just trying to keep all her balls in the air for as long as possible. What else is there to say? She's fornicating with another man and living in his house. End of story. If I were you, I wouldn't say another word to her about "divorce" or "attorney." You've made it clear to her that she has a deadline. If she fails to meet it, act. Divorce her. Leave her with just one ball to juggle: the idiot from work.

Basil, after I read your posts I am so full of pi$$ and vinegar that I could take on a grizzely bear.

But then I fade, in the forlorn hope that some where in there she'll come back. I know the chances are slim, or if she did how could I trust her, and she would have to live under the draconian rules required.

I'd give it a shot, but she has to want to give up Pus Bag, or want us enough to take on the challenge of lossing Pus Bag, and I just am not seeing any sign now. Can she believe I'm bluffing??. May be.

My BIL law talked with me yesterday and said take your time, think it through , she is sick, let these last presentations sink in some before you start proceedings.

You are 100% right in describing what is going on. I should be beside myself with what she has done
and I know she must have no heart or soul to carry on like this. To be honest, totally honest and this to Shep also as you two have helped me so much....I don't think I can do it. I truely don't. I'm sitting here at work typing with tears because I can't do it. Call me less than a man, call me a doormat, say I'm an embarrassment to the male species, as I sit here today with the attorney number in front of me...I can't do it. I can get angry, at times and swear I'll call (like this morning) but I just can't.

It hurts to much, to leave her in this mess, alone, w/o me. Sitting here paying bills, car had a flat, lost my wallet, and the other night just had emotional collapse because I didn't know where the sheets are kept. I saw my son and just collapsed in his arms because I can't do it anymore, I"m too tired, I'm too depressed, I just can't kill the thing I still love. I just can't. Not today. My kids need me, I have to be strong , but they are carrying me, and the guilt of that is eating what little self respect and dignity I have left.

They tell me to be strong, for my self, for them, my daughter especially, she has shouldered too much because her father is a coward, to afraid to do what needs to be done. I'd rather disappear myself then pick up that phone. I keep telling the kids I'm sorry. They have their own lives to lead, and mine has just collapsed to the point that I don't know where to begin to put it back together. I don't want the responsibility anymore.

My son just sent me a copy of a text that he just sent his mom that he can't have a relationship with her while she is with OM. I mean I should not let this be happening. Fathers are supposed to protect their children, but what do you do when the attack on them is from within?? How can I destroy something that I swore to God to love honor and protect?? I know she voilated those vows, but how can I??

I know it sounds like self pity, probably is....but I just can't do it today, I just can't. It's just too overwhelming to think that...that's it. To try to take everything apart, I just do'nt want to think about it anymore. I'm drowning in it, I grab a rock someone stomps on my hands. What will be left after I make that call and it goes all the way.

I would still be here as I am, same as I am, but knowing that I killed something more precious to me then life itself.

Sorry

MLBHOME

You're no coward, and you're not a failure. You're just doing your best to save your family - but you're up against a fearsome enemy. AND you're mentally exhausted. I've been thinking a lot about my wife this past week, trying to put things into perspective as the signing day approached. (I'm walking to my attorney's office in less than half an hour to sign the final decree). But all I can make of things, after nearly a year, is that my wife is not in her right mind - and that's that. I can't fix her and I can't help her; all I can do is walk away from her. She literally left me no other choice, as she forced this thing on my son and me every step of the way - all aspects of it. In the early going, I tried like a fury to "fix" her. But I may as well have tried to hold back the ocean tides with a ping pong paddle. It was hopeless from the beginning. I see that now. She wanted me gone - and gone I most certainly am.

But every situation is different, and maybe there's hope for you. But I can tell you, you're not doing anyone any good by allowing her to continue on this path. You simply cannot tolerate her living with another man while she's married to you. It really is outrageous, when you think about it. I know you're a mess right now, and I'm sorry about that. But you've got to get it together and keep up the fight. 

Hang in there, bro.

Basil Duke