in crisis

Could the trip to Indy be what is needed at this point?  Somewhere in all of this she has missed the fact that the OM is a betrayal  against you and your children ...even her parents and siblings.  

Yes, she CAN stop him from texting...by telling him to stop...by letting him know of her decision to return to the family and marriage AND that she doesn't want anything to harm the healing process.  If it was over and there truly was NO CONTACT..he wouldn't even dare to text her.  You were correct in handling it at this point.  This is her choice No Contact means NO CONTACT...her choice is...she stops it now or you will step in and stop it for her just like you did today.  The next time...text him back saying...No Contact means NO CONTACT...this includes texting my wife.  She is still MY Wife!!! You can even tell her this...she needs to remember who she iis...she is a wife and a mother...not a single woman who has a boy friend.  If you continue to see that she is crossing this boundary then she has made a decision.  Even the text messaging is a way of feeding the addiction...it is a fix..  

At this stage...no one knows if they can do it...handle the scrutiny...sometimes you have to make them see what they will lose or give up IF they DO cross the boundary...What will she lose?  What is she putting at risk?  She needs distance from what has just happened this week...a change of scenery...it tends to help because there isn't visual cues or things that will trigger emotions.  It helps a person rest their senses.

Shepherdess

I'd like to send her....but she has to want to go. As far as the text, we can monitor through the account and I made it clear as did my daughter, No Contact, means no contact.
Losing her identity....you bet. I don't know what she is, or what she wants to be. It's obvious she is depressed, she did tell my daughter last night that she would go to counseling. About the text the bozo sent her one but she did not answer it. I thought I would send one to bozo but then if her reaction was anything like last night as she threatened to leave if I took action like that. But another one and I will.

Our son told her if we make her so miserable then leave as she is doing the same to us. He told her that so far these last 2 weeks that outside of quitting her job she has done nothing to start to rebuild relationships.
He told her to either get on with it ( rebuilding) or leave, and if she wanted to leave he would help her pack. This was last night. So I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing, my daughter at 15 has taken the point on this now and she is tell her mom, that while she wants all of us to work on issues, she told her mom, that now the job is done, but there will be no contact, and she expects her mother to do what she promised when she came back, or if she leaves their relationship will be unrepairable. This was last nite also.

So everybody has the cards on the table.....have to wait and see.

Let all of this just settle...especially what the children have told her....it has to seep down through the fog and confusion, where God is working on her heart....SHe has been reminded...she was caught with a mild infraction...and reminded again...Your son said to her what You could never say and get away with...it was a good thing...I am sure it struck home a bit.  

I am keeping you in my prayers.

Shepherdess

yes I agree, just let things cool off a while. She still is quiet, but she insisted on doing the inside household stuff, but I know she has along way to go in letting go, we know that, but she has to want to deal with the issues. If I could get her to Indy I would.

So we'll just go as we are tread lightly, and see what tomorrow brings. She did make a great dinner tonight...she does love to cook. 

Shep you hang in there, there are many prayers for you

First of all Shep I hope you're feeling better, or are on the mend.

Just to update she is still here. Yesterday (Sunday) was alittle rocky as she and our daughter went to a movie and had a good time. When they came home she was almost like her old self telling me how funny it was and how she laughed.

My son (he's 18) came home and while I was in the house they had it out starting with the text messages of Friday (he sent them to her) and he let her have it as he has a temper, and  has ALOT of pent up anger, frustration, which she never addressed. after standing there for 20 minutes listening my son got frustrated and left with her right behind. Ten minutes later we are all eating at the dinner table like nothing happened. He seems to think that some of what he said (basicly it was how she has destroyed the family, how I have been trying to keep us together, and how she treats me like crap...ect)
may have reached her somewhere, as she was pleasant the rest of the evening. But she did accuse me of screwing with her e-mail...which I didn't. In that discussion I did get her say in front of my daughter that she will have no contact whatsoever with the OM, 
as she said that was what she promised to come back home.
  
 Today we went to College Station , Tx to see my son's housing arrangements and check out Texas A&M campus. The 4 of us 4 hours in the truck there and back, had lunch , walked around, seemed like old times with her and the kids but with me, I 'm just kinda there. She did buy me a beer class with the University logo on it, which surprised me. It was alittle thing, but ...she didn't have to do it.

  got home and she is weepy this evening, this is her first day unemployed and w/o the OM. She is actively looking for another job and has 8-10 resumes out and continues to check everyday. I guess were going thru withdrawal, and I seem to be the focus of the anger. She talks with my daughter and my daughter is somewhat tight-lipped about what they talk about, but has told her mom if there is something that SHE feels I need to know then she will tell me otherwise my daughter is trying to protect the confidence.

So we my W and I talk about kid things, and household things, and she did take an interest in todays activities. So for me, my daughter tells me just give her time and space, as does Shep...so that's what I'm doing. I ask if I can help around the house, or if she's weepy can I help.....the answers been no, so I go about my business.

Shep, how did your husband handle all this??

Respond when you are up to it.

Just a quick update. She has now been home 3 weeks, out of the job and OM for 1 week. She is still depressed, is better at some times then others.Said she feels"lost" w/o a job which is understandable after she built this fantasy life  at work, and OM. She is trying to re-connect with the son (18) and daughter (15), and my daughter thinks she has noticed a change. No more weepiness since Monday,
and she is really working to look for new job. Checks the websites daily, sends out resumes, went to some of the bigger buisnesses in town to drop off resumes, and has a second interview next week at one place. She met with a head hunter Wednesday who feels she can place her in a position fairly quickly.
   She and I are about the same however, she speaks to me when she needs something, and we'll do kid chit-chat, talk about the days activities and that's about it. I don't push her, I accept what she offers, and then let it go. We have not spoken about "us" and probably will not for the time being.
  My daughter keeps an eye on her as their relationship is the best right now, and the two of them spend most evenings after dinner watching a movie and playing Scrabble (which the W loves, and hates to lose) with the daughter beating her 3 nights in a row. I hear them laugh and goof around, so at least the W is working on that.
    I know she has spoken to her folks and younger sister ( in Indiana) but no one has filled me in on what was said, so hopefully no news is good news. They usually flag me if the conversations don't go well. I keep telling myself  (per Shepherdess) "baby steps" and try to gauge progress by looking over the time frame in weeks rather then days. At 4th of July she was living in hotel, still at job with the OM.
Since then, has come home, broke off with the OM, quit the job they were both at, and now is working on repair relationships with kids and perhaps sisters and parents. I can take that.
         There is still alot to be done, I know, but at least she, we are trying, and I'm going to stay the course for now.

MLBHOME

No news is truly really good news in this situation...Be attentive though relax but don't put your guard down.


Most women do not give up the OM easily and you should be seeing signs of withdrawl....make sure she is going where she says she is going...I am not trying to say that you should distrust her, just be aware...all the people that were giving info and lending an ear to her before should be open with you even now...keep those lines of communication open.

I understand that you want to give her her space so she can get through this time.  Why aren't you playing Scrabble with the them?  Why aren't you watching the movie with them?  Why not take them out to dinner and to the movies?  It may be time to to just take her out for coffee and dessert....just the two of you...just enjoy each other...no kid talk...no job talks...no relationship talks....talk about what you used to be interested in.  The two of you need to start building your friendship again...it seems to me that she is leaning on your 15  year old....SHE is TOO young to understand any of this really (don't tell me that she is mature for her age)...that is what I thought about my second oldest who was 16 at the time....she crashed and burned after awhile because she couldn't handle parenting her parents OR being her mother's BFF.  Your daughter can not be your wife's babysitter or accountability partner....that is your job.  You can't have your son do this either.


The time your wife is spending with your children is the time I spent with my husband...NOT my children.  My husband and I were inseparable other than when he was at work.  We did everything together...EVERYTHING...we were downright attached at the hip.  We sat in our bedroom and talked and talked and talked...I got angry...he listened...he got angry and I listened.  We out for coffee every night.  We went grocery shopping together...we sat and watched TV together,...we sat in the Hot Tub together.  We re-established the habit...we reconnected slowly...we talked about faith, society, news...what we liked and didn't like...I rediscovered my husbands sense of humor...I actually started laughing again. 

In this time of neutrality...you can't be totally neutral...you have to be there and involved and participating...one of the reasons why this happened is because the two of you have fallen out of the habit of being together and finding each other interesting.


Think abou this...you don't have to act on it right ...just think about it...keep listening for God's urgings...HE will lead you.


Shepherdess   

you're right . Glad to see your back, hopefully feeling better. I do spend some evenings watching their movies, and I was never really a Scrabble player, but I will become one.

I don't know what to say to her. It's very ackward. I do try to talk to her but she is still distant, I just don't know if now is the time to engage, say let's go take a walk, sit on the patio with a glass of wine, or sit next to her on the couch.??

I guess what your saying is to ask her on a date??. Believe me I would love to, but I don't want to make her uncomfortable. 

Yes we are seeing signs of withdrawal, she just doesn't seem to want to spend time with me per se, but then again I haven't asked. 

At this point did you want to spend time with your husband?? It seems to me that I'm the focal point of her anger and resentment for having to give up the job and OM. 

I will try to be more ......aggressive in trying to interact with her, To be honest, I'm scared to death of her........isn't that stupid??? After 30 years together.

Ok....I'll work on it, I get your point.....thanks

MLBHOME

No, I am not really telling you to go on a date...dates are planned, pushy and can be enabling...I am just saying that you should just make a plan to ask her out for coffee...ask her to come along on a trip to Barnes & Noble...just like friends would do with friends. I don't mean being aggressive at all...I am just saying to encourage her to become included in your life agian.  If she doesn't want to...that is okay also...you have offered...ask again on an another day.  

Stop acting like you are walking on eggshells around her...fearful that she will bolt if you push to hard.  If she does it won't be because of anything that you have done or didn't do....it is because SHE hasn't done what SHE NEEDED to do while she was there.
  

You aren't scared of her...you are scared that she is going to leave you again...she should be scared...not you...she should be worried that she will lose you, the children, her home and family...you need to wrap your brain around this...she will lose YOU and that IS a big loss. The Evil One is the author of fear...don't let him distract you from what needs to be done.  SHE does need to know that she crossed a boundary AND that she needs forgiveness from everyone...including you PLUS she must earn YOUR trust back.  She isn't sick with cancer...she isn't going to die...BUT she has done and intended to do things that would destroy others lives...remember this...eventually she will have to face this fact...and when she does this is the BIG step forward...Knowing that it all begins with her...her decisions, choices, perspective AND also knowing as an adult she has to face the consecquences of her actions....she is not a child.

 Forgiveness comes when the person who has been doing the blaming realizes that there are more fingers on their hand pointing at them then at anyone else in the room.


Shepherdess

I understand. I ask for her to participate, such as going to the store with me, if she declines, I let it go . She did go to the store today and bought me new underwear!!!

She made a great dinner, complete with home made lemon pie,  didn't go to church, but asked me how it was. 

Has second interview on a new job nxt week, which she seems excited about.

We went to a movie last nite, our daughter was a last minute addition, and the three of us had a good time, with popcorn the whole bit.

She is still very distant with me which I from your last post I understand, and will continue to chip away at. 

Hope you're feeling better

MLB HOME

Just an update for everyone. She will be home a month tomorrow, the 11th, and in that time she has quit the job where she worked with the OM, and broke off with the OM, and seems to be adhereing to the NO CONTACT rule.

She has really has made an effort with the kids to try a re-establish her relationship with them. She and I are kinda in a "roommate" stage, we talk about family business things but not our relationship. I don't think she is ready for that and neither am I. However, I am doing all the things I used to, and include her when I can. I give her a kiss on the cheek hello, and good bye, she even came to me this morning and kissed my cheek when she left for the gym. She has had 2 weepy spells over the weekend, both when she was sitting alone, I sat with thru one and my daughter thru the other. We asked the reason, and she wouldn't say. They were short episodes the first in almost 2 weeks.

She did land a new job last friday, that she seemed excited about it at the time and we wonder if knowing she is not going back to the former job/life ( as it appears) might have been the trigger. She seems happy and nervous about starting, but she said she needs to get busy. She has been out of work 2 weeks and has done all the little projects in the house and she' s bored. She spoke on the phone to her parents and Indiana sister, and those apparently went better then they have been. She is still angry, but hopefully she is moving thru that.
that's where we're at right now, her older sister is coming for the weekend, so she will be the first family the W has to face since all this broke out.
MLBHOME

the ESIL spent Thursday-Sunday with us. She and her sister (my W) did the sister thing of shopping, wine and margarita drinking, and general goofing off. My ESIL did over the course of the weekend did talk to the W about the situation in the hopes of planting some seeds for her to think about. She told me the W refuted any and all suggestions stating that she was fine. No break throughs there, but none was expected.

On Sunday she did get the W to go to church and we all went together. The sermon was a good one, How not to live a self-centered life, not to focus on your own wants and needs and so on. I was at the other end of the pew but my BIL said my wife cried and held his hand through the service. My ESIL said my W told her that she had not been going to church because I was going!.....

Anyway my YSIL texted asked how things were going, how was and the kids. I texted her we were going to church (with the W) and I'd get back to her. So later I texted her pretty much the above paragrapgh, but sent it to the W by mistake.

Yesterday after dinner she confronted me on the text to her younger sister about church that I was "reporting" on her, "networking" the family, turning them againest her. I told her that ONE: they are my family and they routinly contact me to see how WE are, what WE are doing, how WE are holding up due to your situation.I said if you want to know who I contact and what I say ask me, I'm open, no secrets, here;s my phone check my e-mail. They are my support and I will not let you conive them away from me nor will I ask your permission to contact, return contact or clear content with you.
 Then she accused me of making her quit her job that the OM was at, and I told her that was a lie as she is 47 years old and she made the choice to quit not me. I said she came to me to come home and she said she would quit, and give uo OM, not me. That really pissed me off.

That led to me asking why she stopped wearing her wedding ring, when she promised to wear it when she came home. In fact told me she missed wearing it. She wore up to last week. She told me didn't "feel" like wearing it, and that she doesn't know the "status" of her "intimate" feelings for me, and felt it "wrong to wear it.
   Well, I took a deep breathe and as calm as I could muster, said if you remember our vows that ring was given to you as a token of my love, honor and fidelity, and even through all that you have done to me...that has not changed. Now apply that definition to the ring you gave me, and yes I think it should have came off long ago.
     But I told her I still wear it to honor what we were to each other in the past, and what we may be to each other in the future. I told her also that after what she has done that embarrassed, humilated and disrespected me, her not wearing her ring showed to me that she was going over and above things to continue to hurt, and humiliate me. I told her I understand she has issues, leaving the job,feelings for the OM, withdrawal, whatever and that I have bent over backward to do all that I can to help, offer to help, that I will not stand to have an object of such meaning to me, ( and up till recently her also) that represents my committment, bond, love and honor that I still have for her be tossed aside like it never meant anything to her. I also said that I will not tolerate her disrespecting, ignoring and generally treating me like crap because in her delusion she blames me for all that's happened to her.
    By now the 18 yr son is in with us and threw his 2 cents in about all her choices, and stuck up for me in the way she has been treating me after I had taken her back...at her request. He reminded her of all the promises she made how things would be different and that again she lied to all of us. He told her that if she was so miserable back with us, to pack and leave. I re-inforced that with if you leave it is YOUR decision, no one else's, and that decision will tell us that she no longer wants to be my wife, or the kids mother, that this was no longer her home and that I would file for legal separation and divorce citing abandonment, and adultry, and that I would plaster the SOB OM name all over the document for the public to see. With that our son left, and I went to sit by our daughter, who told me it was ok, that I was right.
    So the W cleans the kitchen, and was upstairs farting around and our daughter spoke to her awhile. Then I got a text from the son that the W just texted him to say she understood what we had said, and twice said that she was sorry, and that it is very difficult but that she would continue to try.
     So we went to bed, both read for awhile, she put dwn her book and turned toward me, put her hand out onto my shoulder and said good night and fell asleep. She has not reached over to me or faced me in bed (she always turned her back to me) in 4-5 months. I read some more, but had to get up and turn the light out on her side of the bed. That done I got back into bed, got settled and she reached out and found my hand and held it, and was soon sleeping away again.
      What does it all mean.....I have no clue anymore. Venting anger??, she is still depressed, still in denial, but I read that the feelings for OM can get stronger briefly at the NC 3-4 week mark of the withdrawal period....any thoughts on that.??
       The boy leaves for college this Saturday....should be another great weekend.

MLBHOME

It is exactly what was needed...she was falling back...she needed a wake up call...a Reminder that she is not in control...she is not going to be allowed to rewrite history or throw blame when it is not warranted.  Yes, it is true that at the 3-4 week mark there may be another attempt to contact or the feelings resurface for the OM...remember the OM is really a fantasy created in her own mind...he really isn't like what she thinks he was...in fact, reality starts to set in a bit especially if she is NOT enabled in her behavior.  She will start seeing him for what he was...

This was a GOOD event even though it didn't feel that way.  Remain the same way as you have been all along...respond to her gestures...but don't push them let her come to you...she needs to earn your attention, respect, and trust...she needs to realize that she has not just hurt your children...but she has hurt you also.  The children sticking up for you in this case demonstrated that they will not be easily swayed, if at all.  She was called to task and she knew it. 

Keep her in God's hands...the connection between the sermon and her actions during this discussion are interesting...especially if you, your son and daughter made these connections for her. 

Stop trying to figure this out at this point...it's in God's hands remember.  Listen for His urgings and voice.  He will lead just like He did during this recent confrontation...you were righteously angry at the way she was treating you and what she was saying...when you tell the truth... it IS the truth...the to have affirmation from your son...well...this is TOUGH LOVE in a nutshell.

Baby steps, Baby Steps...always in my prayers...

Shepherdess

Hello, MLB Home. Just to echo Mrs.Shepherdess: you're over-analyzing events. You're going to develop about eleven different species of ulcers if you don't let things unfold. Remember rule number one: you can't control your wife. From my perspective, you've done everything humanly possible to bring her back to reality. (I am so impressed with your children, and the manner in which they took up the sword and shield to defend their way of life - and their pa. What great young humans you've raised!) Another of the bigger rules that may have been shuttled off to the periphery of your consciousness is that you're not going to glean rational explanations from the anti-thesis of irrationality. Your wife's actions would strike "normal" people as absolutely bizarre and doomed to failure. But to HER, the chaotic stew of thoughts and impulses in her mind are her reality. She can't escape them, any more than you can make them vanish. It's like our founder and leader has said many times before: it's in God's hands.

Hang in there, man! You're fighting the good fight - a noble fight. I lost my own war - but it was by no means a disastrous defeat. I did my level best for my son - keeping him behind me at all times as the spears rained down on us - and we've both lived to LIVE another day. Note that I didn't say "fight" another day. I am going to live a happy and full life, on terms of my choosing. And so will you, with or without your spouse.

Basil Duke
St. Louis, MO

thanks for your thoughts. I certainly missed your words of encouragement while you were away.

Today was a better day, we watched our daughter play volleyball, and chit chatted at home.

She is adjusting to the new job, has a no dating policy, more professional environment, not the goofing around like the other job. And to our knowledge and my son's investigation she has not had contact with the OM.

Judging by her attitude and the confrontation last night that she is in withdrawal, depressed and angry and still has not accepted responsibility. 

It just hit me the wrong way or the Lord told me to "push back", and surprisingly ..for me I got up and walked away at the end of the confrontation...again the guiding had of God. 

We are continuing to keep God busy with this, and you and yours are also in our prayers, and I hope you are feeling better.

MLBHOME

Basilduke,

   I love hearing from you, and reading your posts, this one made me smile, thanks.
You and Shep are right, I over analyze everything, I'm a fix it guy, and yes I can't fix this. I think in this case my over anaylzation is from trying to figure out what it is that she is missing and what the OM and previous job gave her.
         There have been so many hints that there are numerous conclusions one can draw. I know I am trying to figure out which one it is and supply it....I know you both will tell me to just let it play it's self out....I'm doing my best. I think some of it is age ( she'll be 48 nxt week), son leaving for college this weekend, ( and she wants to re-live her college days, she encouraged him to go away from home as she did), her previous job was at a upper level car dealership that hired young blonde, buxom air heads that she came into work with and I know that bothered her self-esteem, got involved with the "party" group at the dealership which included the OM and several multi-divorced women, dropped 35 lbs and is fixated on working out, was not in the popular group in HS, (we started dating in HS) but now at the previous dealership and losing the weight, baking for them, going out with them she became very popular, lots of attention, guys hit on her at the bar, and the transition hit, OM  who is in mid 40's lives with sister boo-hoo's about his life w/o love fills her head with how wonderful and fun this would all be, but that damn family is in the way, thinking she missed out on her "party" years, and her delusion of trying to fulfill everyone's expectations ( the family) at the sacrifice of her living her life the way she "feels" she "needs" to. That's just to name a few things. But she says it's not MLC.
    You are both right, I over analyze, but as you both know it's hard to stand on the sidelines.
I would suspect that she still needs to hit bottom, but if or when it will happen I don't know. I'm prepared mentally for her to leave again, by her own choice and she has had the consquences explained to her. I really think at this point somewhere in the turmoil in her head that she doesn't know why she is unhappy and has focused on us, but then when out on her own the OM didn't make her happy, then it's now back to us. I calmly explained this scenario to her 2 nights ago and asked who is the common denominator in these situations?? She was quiet and looked away.

     Sorry more anaylizing.

BasilDuke, thanks for the kind words about our kids. I am proud of them both, they have been in trenches since this began and even tried to stop it in the very beginning. Believe it or not alot of this I give credit to my W as the kids were the absolute most important thing to her till recently. But to give credit where credit is due since coming home she has really worked on her relationship with both, and my son used that as the basis of his arguement to get involved the other night defending me. If I tried to teach them any thing it was not to lie, if something bad happens tell us we may be angry, you may get punished but it will be nothing if you cover it up and lie about it. Ironicly my W also taught them that. But now both kids can see how true that philosophy is. The other is that wherever we go, whatever we do in our lives, in the end there is only the 4 of us to truely depend one. Thanks to my wife they saw an example of that to. They are great kids, saved me many times in this and I can never thank them enough.

     I know Shepherdess and SBreeze1 are success stories here I wish more couples would post that have sucessfully survived this. I'd like to be a survivor as a couple, and looking back we have made significant progress, but I have no misconceptions that there is a long tough fight ahead. I have to say I was very proud of my boy stepping up for me, and the things he said about me, most kids his age hate their parents. On 2 occassions he was so upset over all this that he was going to the dealership to have a "talk" with the OM. He's 6'2" and 260#, and as much as I would have like to do that myself, I told him we can not get in the gutter with this SOB. God will punish him in his own way in this life or the next. Our daughter is more of a slow burn, but takes no crap and will tell you exactly what she thinks and has several times to us both in this. They are both my rocks.

     I have ....I believe turned this over to God as there have been times through this that the "old" me would have done or said this, but this new person held back, took a different direction. I really believe the Lord is involved as I would have quit long ago. I know she is in there, we (me and the kids) have seen flashes of her where 2-3 months ago there was nothing. I think my role is to try to influence her her behavior as such to allow more time for the recognition and healing. This I can try to do.

I just trying to let her spin, but not out of control, and not out in the cosmos. I will continue the fight as I have been, and at your directions. I know I can't render the knock out punch yet, if at all, but I will keep punching to the body of this dreaded thing until only one of us is left.

I love the help and encouragement y'all ( that;s Texas talk) provide I can not tell you how important y'all have been to me and the kids. Keep the help coming and I'll do the same

MLBHOME

I have not posted on here in some time.....part of my detachment strategy, but after reading your thread I just to have to make a couple of comments.  I have been in the same situation for over a year....read my previous posts.  Our stories are almost exactly alike as are most of us.  After a year of living this nightmare I have come to the conclusion that there is no hope in ever getting my "old" life back and to be quite honest after stepping back and viewing this from a "spectators" perspective......I could not in all honesty ever get back with her.....fully detached?  You are looking for success stories.....I don't beleive there are that many.  Once they get on the train there is no stopping it......get off NOW and don't be a passenger on the ride to hell....because that is straight where it is heading.  The amount of collateral damage that she has caused in the last year....without any responsibility for her actions is immeasurable.  She just does not care about anybody but herself and her own pleasures.  Neglect of my children, financial ruin, hostility and anger, lies & deceipt....I hate to say this, but it may get worse than what you could ever have expected.  You are in the initial phase of this train wreck.  I too had glimmers of hope in the early stages....before I found out about the OM in April.  An affair with a 35 year old loser step son of a highschool friend that began two weeks before she left.  Now, it is simply a numbers game.....how can I get out with the least amount of financial pain and then a fight to save my 9 year old son from "mommie dearest". 

After reading your posts I would like to give you 4 pieces of advice:

1.)  STOP.....you are analyzing her every action and reaction.  This is going to drive you insane....stop trying to find sanity in an insane situation.  At this point in her life she just does not care about you, your kids or old life....she is on a mission and will not stop until she crashes and burns.....this may take years!!  This is not detachment...it is obesession....an obesession on someone/something that used to be.  There is a great line from one of my favorite Rolling Stones songs called "Memory Motel":   "Your just a memory, just a memory girl, just a sweet old memory of a love that used to be"....the memories are all you have.....you CAN use these memories very effectivley in what I call the "then and now"...I remember the good times and who she was and what we had and then compare them to what she has become and ask myself if I would be attracted to her????.......9 times out of ten the answer is NO.....I would never want to be with a person like her!!

2.)  Contact Shepperdess, if you have not already done so, about private sessions with her.....she is an awesome coach, person and friend.  She knows what you need and how to get you to that point in your life!!

3.)  Get a lawyer IMMEDIATELY....I hesitated for months until both Shepperdess and my two sisters forced me to "lawyer up".  Protect yourself at this point and get your finances in order.  When she goes for the throat and wants 50% of your take home pay.....you need to be prepared.

4.)  Protect your kids at all costs.  That is and has been my number one priorty.

Don't mean to be so straightforward, but having "been there and done that", I just thought I would share my perspective with you.    GOOD LUCK!!

I hear you loud and clear. I have consulted an attorney, I have quietly "re-arranged" the finances, the W has her own accounts and uses her salary$$ ( contributes to household expenses) has no access to anything else, no credit cards in both names anymore, and I don't need her salary to live. My son is 18, and not a custody issue, and my daughter is 15 and has told mom time and again that she is staying with me as she is unstable, ( my daughter told her that more than once)

I would like to get the W with Shepherdess if I can ever get her that far, for me I believe I may take you up on that suggestion.

I am by no means thinking problem-solved, and understand this may all implode at any moment.
But as Shep has told me time and again don't question it (YES I WILL STOP ANALYZING, what will I do with all that time??) just go with it, and that's what I am trying to do.

As I said I am prepared mentally (I hope) and legaly for all this to go south, but Iam playing the hand now as God guides me.

Thanks for the heads up

MLBHOME

Just wanted to let everyone know that I caught an "love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you, and wish I could get a divorce" email from my W to the OM. Apparently she never ended the affair and has been contacting him via, e-mail, text, met him at least once last week, and told me  (when she got caught) that she had been contacting him thru other people,all while she was home.

She said I pushed her to it, I'm the liar, I want the divorce (even though I showed her in black and white where she she typed she wanted it), I turned her family againest her, and so on. I was treating her like a mental pt.

We just took our son to college yesterday. She lied to both children to their faces and to me all along.

I appreciate all the help, words of wisdom, support, prayers, you all have given me. I knew I wasn't out of the woods, but I guess having a little hope is better then no hope at all. I told her that (per Shep) that since you never stopped contact that you have made the decision to no longer be my wife or a mother to the kids, and that she could leave, file for divorce, and have her fantasy. I told her I would give her 7 days to file after that I would file with the reason being adultry and abandonment. She continued to profess that she does not want a divorce, BUT in an emotional outburst said that "I can't give him up".

I told her to get IC, that she is addicted to this OM, but I insisted she leave, so through the tears, telling me it was my fault, she does not want a divorce, our daughter crying, she left.

Basilduke you were right.

MLBHOME