in crisis

Thanks, MLB. Yes, my dignity is one thing I'm taking out of this wreck - along with a relatively undamaged son. My ex will remember me for many years - maybe for the rest of her life - as an exceptionally vindictive, resilient and violent counter-puncher (metaphorically speaking), but she'll NEVER think of me as anything but a man. She only had me curled up in a ball for about eight weeks, and after that, she and her boy toy both started to suffer, too, once I got on my feet.

I was just thinking about this today. How could I be anything BUT vindictive (especially to the other man) considering what this affair did to my life? It literally ended my old existence - 44 years in the making. It took my wife, my house, half of my property and still threatens to eviscerate my credit and harpoon my retirement. Heaven knows what kind of long-term bitterness my son will experience with his mom. We're talking lifelong repurcussions here - not a passing toothache. And to think that a stranger - literally someone I've met just once! - had his fingers on every one of my wife's MLC buttons, helping her program this fiasco for maximum destruction. The SOB. Truly, there will be a special place in the furnaces of hell for this young man and his ilk.

People have asked me why I'm so furious at this kid - when it was my wife who violated our marriage vows. That's very easily answered: my wife - hideous though her choices have been - gave birth to my son. She was a very loving mother up until about a year ago. We've been together for a quarter century. She ate a lot of my crap over the years - endured a lot of heartache, because of MY decisions. That doesn't excuse her actions, but she sure as heck gets more leeway from me than her ridiculous excuse for a new 'man.'

Just some random thoughts. 

Carry on, MLB, into the valley....  

I agree that people who involve themselves in an affair with a married person are some of the lowest on earth, and while I would like to get my hands on them,....and get my revenge in this life or the next, I will leave to the power upstairs to settle that score for me.

I have asked to have the anger taken from me, ...but if the guy gets hit by a bus....I wouldn't shed a tear.

mlb and basilduke - good morning to both of you.  Individuals who involve themselves in an affair with a married person are SCUMBAGS - we can all agree on that.  However, being angry and vengeful towards that individual, I believe, is misplaced and fruitless.  The OMs in your W's lives are not the ones to BLAME and hold responsible.  They are bottom dwellers, living under a rock waiting for their opportunity - but your W's made the decision to carry on a realtionship with them.  The OM owes you nothing, not loyalty, not morals, not allegiance - he would not be in your wives lives unless invited.  It is your wives who owe you loyalty and allegiance - it is your wives who promised fidelity - it was your wives who pledged to stay with you - that is what life partnerships are based upon.  It is your wives who have CHOSEN to go outside the marriage and betray you and your marriage. 

The OM did not sneak through the bedroom window and steal your wife and marriage; he did not seduce her or lure her away; he did not get her to do anything that she was not willing to do.  The person you should be holding solely responsible is your W.  She made the decision to seek out and pursue an extramarital relationship - he was just there to take advantage of an opportunity. 

 Throughout the years I had to spend many days, months, away from my life partner and children, pursuing my career; during those times I was known as me - not someone's mother or wife.  I was often put in a position of propositions from men - I was attractive, I was prominent, I was alone - it was I who ALWAYS chose not to engage - because of loyalty and commitment to my life partner and my marriage.  The opportunity to cheat exists everywhere - if a person is looking for it.  In their MLC your wives were looking for it and found it - that is their choice - not the OM.  I now live 3500 kms from my life partner, most of the time; in a small mountainous community - everybody knows I am here and alone - some men in the community have made gestures and/or comments - some have 'dropped in' to visit -  I CHOOSE not to engage - It is my decision and my duty within my partnership to ensure that I do not put myself in a position to send off signals - internet chatting (not with men I do not know); bars (wedding ring prominently displayed); community events (only involve myself with couples); everyone in this community is aware - the hippie chick who lives in the hills, is monogamous - I wear it like a badge with pride.

I understand your anger and hostility towards the OM in your wives lives - but you should waste no energy hating him - it will only hurt you and impede your journey to healing - not him - he doesn't feel your anger, he doesn't care about your anger, he knows who is responsible for your w's decision to go outside the marriage - SHE IS.  He is simply a facilitator (a despicable, bottom dwelling facilitator) of your W's behaviour.  I would venture to say - if that particular OM hadn't been around when your W's were looking - they would have found another. 

I believe that many men and women who have decided that their marriages are boring, unfulfilling and passionless, will deliberately put themselves in positions to be available.  They may not conciously realize this (I am giving them the benefit of the doubt here) but they will begin LOOKING and putting themselves out there - internet chatting (just friends), bars (girl's night out), community events (we organize together), neighbourhoods (our children play together), workplace (we have so much in common), PTA (we were working on a project together) - anywhere.  As they are looking they are sending off signals to those out there who will engage; subtle, almost imperceptable signals that can be picked up by those scumbags waiting under the rocks.  Then, they can fool themselves, that this 'just happened' - it must be fate - it must be my soul mate - I have found my true love - when in fact, I believe, they were in recruitment mode for ANYONE who would engage with them.

So....please, for your own sakes and inner peace, banish the OM from your emotional selves.  Do not waste any energy on him - he knows you only through the distorted descriptions of your cheating wives - by being angry at him you are giving him more power over you.  Your anger should be directed at your wives who CHOSE to put themselves in the arms of another man; who CHOSE to seek out a relationship with another man while living with you; who CHOSE to make herself available; who CHOOSES to deny that she had any deliberate role in recruiting an OM; - it just happened.

Just some thoughts and I accept that I could be wrong on most of this - except - don't waste your time, energy and emotional well being on the OM - why should he have more from your life - don't give it to him. 

PEACE to you both

Sbreeze,

Your right.....and I agree 100% and I have worked hard to release my anger to some extent successfully. But if the jerk falls under a bus...that would still be ok.

I was hoping you would read my posts and give your thoughts on my situation, I would appreciate your advice


Thanks
MLBHOME

Buenos dias, Senora Sea Breeze!

I'm with you re: your entreaty to NOT waste my energy on my wife's boyfriend. I really and truly am. I'm long past the sittin' and simmerin' phase of my passage through hell. This kid is a freak - likely an older woman fetishist and a predator of damaged females in general. We call jackasses like him "pickers of low-hanging fruit." He's lucky he wasn't very seriously hurt last fall, but the danger period is long past for him.

But I appreciate your counsel.

I was and am PLENTY ticked at my judas bride. However, our past history together contains some rather unsavory chapters for which I believe I'm now paying penance. Doesn't excuse my wife's actions, but I was no Ward Cleaver.

I don't doubt that my wife was sending off her girl in heat signals. She of course insists that this was a soul mate situation - LOVE!!!!! But I've been around long enough to know that if a gal wants to have sex, she's going to have sex. All she has to do is show up and take her pick of the scumbag litter.

My wife tells me she's "not at all proud" of the way she "handled" this disaster. And I think that's about as far as she can go in offering me her idea of "remorse." I don't even want her apologies, though. Too late for that. I just want her to get her head out of her butt and try to find some happiness in her life - and salvage something of her relationship with our 13 year old son.

sbreeze:

ABSOLUTELY....DITTO...DITTO...DITTO!!! on everything you wrote on the OM and the Wife's responsibility in the Affair.  I totally agree that all the hate, bitterness and poison toward the OM is a waste of time or energy when the woman is primarily at fault.  If the woman wasn't putting off signals...the OM wouldn't pick up the scent and go after it.  The OM is not raping her...she is consenting.

Women know that they have this power...they know when to use it...in fact some women who have been consumed by other roles...being a "Mommy" or "Wife"...all of a sudden they are seen as a "Woman"...they are taken off-guard at first...but they know that they have it...they choose to play with this ability to lure a man in AND keep him attracted...it is part of the addiction...the FIX.  I do agree that the woman chooses and is at fault more than the OM is...OM's are just lying in wait...or testing for bites.  A woman in Mid-life Crisis is walking around with a Neon sign on their forehead that tells these guys that they are a sure bet.  A woman can turn off that sign any time she wishes, just like sbreeze has said.

sbreezes point is...you wouldn't need a bus at all if your wife turned off her MLC sign or I'm available sign....OM would sniff elsewhere....no matter how many OM came sniffing around around her...OM's are everywhere.

Shepherdess

Hi All,

I would like to add, that I can relate to this first hand.
My W in a moment of being rational openly admitted that SHE went & instigated the affair with the OM !! - She added that she knew it was wrong, but couldn't stop it !!
She also stated that she was & still is absolutely petrified of what I might do to him.
Yes I have met him - twice !! The first time he just ran away, leaving her with me at the side of the road, the second time he was cornered so I told him 'his fortune' !! - He just stood there physically shaking & went white !! As I explained to him in words that he would understand, the problem I had with giving him a good beating is, it would be too easy for me !!
My W was doing all the shouting & trying to pull me away - I never raised my voice at him !!

One observation I have in this - when you & your W first started dating etc, did you notice how much of an effort they made in their appearance etc ??
Now look at your W now; she is with the OM, & I bet like mine she looks a mess ?? Friends & neighbours have all commented to me on how 'rough' she looks. My W was here on Saturday & looked really rough, she didn't smell too good either !! - Her personal hygene was that bad that I had to light some fragrenced candles around the house to get rid of the odour !!
That's how the two of them are now living - that is their 'normality' 
So, don't get too wound up over the OM; yes they are scum - but their day will come !!
Rise above it, remember you are better than them, you are good honest genuine men, who wouldn't stoop down to their level.
The best they can acheive is somebody else's woman who is clearly in a crisis !! - Says a lot about them really !!

Take Care & be strong.

I agree totally, but as the issue is trying to get the W in MLC to do anything! Let alone turn off the come get me sign.

I understand that for the W in MLC it is THEIR behavior, and THEIR choices, and Lord knows I would love to have been able to shut this off, but as I have found out thru expierence and your wonderful advice....it's not up to me.

I only waste a minute fantasizing throwing the jerk under the bus, for all I have been thru....I guess it's something I do for me.

For my situation things have been quiet, the W coming this evening to get mail, and if she wants to talk I will listen. No pushing issues, nice and soft and slow and honest. I'll let you know how it goes.

mlbhome:  I have read some of your posts - I am limited with dial up access in the mountains.  You asked if I knew I was in MLC when I approached my life partner - YES - I don't know if you have read my sitch - but I was fulfilling a life long dream of hermit bushwoman supreme when I awoke one morning to find my world turned upside down.  I didn't know I was experiencing a mid life crisis - I just knew EVERYTHING was different.  Because of my circumstances and the type of person I am, I began to research to find anything that I could relate to.  After discounting cabin fever (lack of oxygen in a wood burning environment), the self-imposed isolation, and realizing that it was getting worse rather than better - I discovered information on mid life crisis. 

It was like I was a text book case - except - I already had and lived my life the way that those in MLC say they need to - space, independence, adventure, fulfillment - all already had all of those and always had them.  So I KNEW this was all about me - not my marriage, not my career, not my lifestyle - this was all about ME. I was able to relate to and accept what I was reading - it made sense. With that recognition and understanding of what I was experiencing - I turned to my life partner - 3500 kms away.  He had access to libraries and computers - which I did not.  I told him what to look for and why - he did.  He would sit on the other end of the telephone for hours - listening to me sob - saying nothing just listening to me sob.  He became my lifeline.

When I was able to return to the city to be with him (2 months later) - it became very difficult for us.  I developed strategies to help me re-discover my emotional memories - he helped - going through pics - framing - hanging them on the wall - proof that I was once happy!!!! I would spend days - hidden away in my room - not talking to him.  There were days of rage, pure rage, when I would lash out at him and attempt to blame.  There were days of soul wrenching sadness when I did not want to breathe anymore.  The one constant - my life partner.  He listened and accepted, without really understanding anything other than "...this is how I feel".  He became my basis for positive reality - I only held negative reality.  I would be so self critical and negative I could see the hurt on his face - not knowing what to do to help me see life in a positive way again.  He only involved himself when I invited him to - never brought the subject up unless responding to me - he knew it was my journey and he needed to let me travel it.  He did make tremendous efforts to let me know that his love for me was unconditional, he would also attempt (and sometimes succeed) in getting me to plan an event for the two of us to participate in - sometimes romantic - sometimes just plain walking around.  When I needed to be alone, he let it be, when I needed comfort he provided it, when I needed respite from my pain he would try to help alleviate it. 

The worst - the day my rage was so out of control - I blamed my life partner for everything that had gone wrong in my life (even things that hadn't gone wrong) - I told the man who had stood beside me for 30 plus years - that I hated him.  The look of pain that crossed his face will be with me until I die.  He did not turn away, he said - well I still love you and we can talk about this later, he simply accepted that at that moment in time I was in such pain that I could not comprehend what I was saying.  Later that day, when the rage had passed, I laid sobbing in his arms - apologizing, asking for forgiveness for saying such a thing - he did not judge me, he comforted me - that must have been one of the most difficult days of his life.  Now when we talk of those times - he says - the only thing that kept him going was knowing that this was about me and my journey and that he KNEW that I wanted him to be with me on the journey and especially at the end of the journey.  He says he would try to ignore the nasties (consider the source), he would be vigilant about the sadness coming on, he would not accept blame (which I often attached to him), and he would get great joy whenever I crossed over another hurdle.

I know that some of the things I said to him - confided in him - hurt him deeply, but I had to say them.  I know that there were times I made him so angry he was ready to throw me out the door - but he didn't.  I know that there were times when he wondered whether I would survive - but he believed that I would.  Throughout all of this, though, he had two things that most with a partner in MLC don't - his partner RECOGNIZED that this was personal, brought on by internal issues not external forces - and - that his partner was determined, above all else, to come out of this still with him.  Changed, but with him.

When the individual experiencing a MLC recognizes it - they can ask for help and accept it.  MLC denial creates the conditions for extra-marital relationships, drug and alcohol abuse, abandonment ...Recognition of MLC allows us to see that those are just attempts to alleviate the pain and desperation through self medicating and that we must deal with the unresolved issues that have laid dormant and unrecognized for years. 

So - in my opinion - MLC denial and self-medicating will most often certainly lead to the destruction of relationships and individuals.  MLC recognition and awareness - opens the door to HOPE - for the person experiencing MLC and subsequently for their life partners and families.

PEACE

Ok everybody, my W was here and wanted to talk to me....I thought here it comes, the final insult. As you recall ( please re-read my thread) my wife has been out living in a hotel for the last month, and just this weekend initiated talking to me about our situation.

Well, she told me this evening that she wants to come home. She is telling the OM no contact and quiting the job they both work at. Ahhh, she said she can no longer live the way she is, the way she has hurt everyone, and knows that THE condition to come back was to lose the OM, and quit the job they are both at. Apparently after an emotional phone call from her folks on friday (see my thread), and calling my ESIL very upset, she told the OM who works with her that she needed to come home. She and I talked 1 1/2 hours after work on Friday, she stopped for a recipe, and then on the phone for 2 hrs on sunday.
    She said she has done some heavy thinking spending alot of time alone, and said while she still has feelings for this person, her place is at home with the kids, and wants to commit to rebuilding our relationship. She said it will be hard as she "loves" him, and loves her job and the people she works with but understands that this is a situation that she caused, and she needs to do what is right.
Apparently she has told the OM again today that she was coming to see me and ask to come home. She said he is "hurt" and she also told the HR Director (who knows the situation) what her decision was going to be, and that she will be giving her 2 weeks notice after she came to see me to see if she could come home. 
 Also she said tomorrow she will meet with the OM at work (in the open) and tell him goodbye and my NO CONTACT, which means while she works her notice time she will have no contact with him. This is what she said. The HR director told her that she understands her decision, will look around other dealerships to find her a job if possible, and told her if the situation changes ( meaning if the OM leaves) they will let her know as they value her as an employee if she wants to come back.

She is pretty upset, especially about leaving the job as she really likes it, but said this is how it has to be ..she screwed it up and is responsible in fixing it. The HR Dir. suggested that she get counseling which she said she will, which I supported.

She said she will need time to work thru her issues, and said she wants to try to rebuild her relationship with me and the kids, and hopes that I can someday forgive her, and needs my understanding and help to accomplish this. She knows it will be hard on everybody, and she is to blame, but feels this where she needs to be.

OK.......now Shepherdess, Sbreeze, she comes back to our home how do I approach her, her feelings, her sadness, and the depression that is here and will get worse.
As her husband, what can I do, and DON;T I want to do.

I believe the real work is about to begin. 
I want to say that I found this site 2 weeks ago, and was completely lost, helpless, uneducated, not knowing what to do. I met all you folks got educated, found friends, support, understanding, and more important a plan as to how to approach the crisis my W is in. You do not know how blessed I was to find all of you, especially Shepherdess, if are not already you are an angel to me, and Sbreeze is right behind.

I know hard hurtful work is ahead, so I will be asking for further help, don't leave me yet.

MLBHOME

This is wonderful news!!!

Welcome her back in to the home, but don't make a big deal about it.

Go slowly...Baby Steps...Baby Steps...

She needs to earn her place back in the house...with you and the kids...let this play out.  Remain emotionally detached...anger and frustration will drive her away.  Cutting off all contact and even leaving the job is a good move...she will slowly realize that she was "addicted" to this guy and the environment that they were in...it perpetuated it.  I wouldn't reccommend that she return to work...any job...until she has a good handle on everything...this can take up to three months or more....it has emotionally, physically and spiritually zapped her and the rest of the family.

She needs to get in to Individual counseling Immediately...a Christian counselor, if you can find one...one that will not judge and knows how fragile she may be....she doesn't need guilt spoonfed to her...she will handle the guilt part well enough....she will be consumed by guilt and shame...the hardest part will be getting her to forgive herself for all of this...
 
Do NOT smother her...marriage/relationship discussions are off limits at first, unless they are held with a counselor...then the discussion can be directed.  Marriage counseling only when the Individual counselor believes she is ready...

Continue what you have been doing...LISTENING...and allowing her to release anger, upset, pain, confusion and frustration. Hold her if she asks...share the bedroom together...that is a must! 

Please know that there will be a period of Grief after ending the relationship with the OM and giving up her job...it is very similiar to withdrawl.  If she decides to crawl in to bed and sleep...allow her to do so for about a day or two.  She may even get home and become ill...flu-like symptoms.  This is the brain and the body dealing with change. Check on her as if she is sick...don't wait on her ovelry much...check on her....make sure she is eating and taking care of herself.   If she feels she needs more time...allow her to have it, but at the same time get her out of the bed and out of the house at least once or twice a day.  She may be like a hurt animal right now...she needs the rest and healing of her body, but at the same time you don't want to encourage a deep depression. She needs healthy food, sunlight and some activity. Take the resposibility of the house off of her shoulders for the time being, allowing her to slowly start doing things again.  Allow her to restructure or keep things as they are if she so chooses. Just because she is home doesn't mean that everything goes back to normal...if it does...she will run again!  Part of the leaving has to do with her life within her home and her role there...the burden became too heavy...she wanted relief....it was a part of the escape.

Simply comfort her...hold her without talking or questioning...BE HER FRIEND now!

No contact rule stays in effect....and if she leaves the house she goes with you or one of your children or family.  I welcomed this...I didn't trust myself...it kept me accountable.  Actually I didn't leave house other than to go to the store or to Starbucks with my husband for over a month.

Your relationship is back to the beginning again. Take her out for coffee, go to the store together...go for walks...sit with one another...no pushing...no pulling.  I became extremely clingy to my husband...it made me feel safe at this time.  I was scared of myself...I knew he would take care of me...I was totally broken...I needed his unconditional love and care...He was a very Good friend to me during this time.  I needed my friend...not my husband, father, lover...I needed for him to be like Christ taking care of the church.

A good book for her to read during this time is Get Out of that Pit by Beth Moore, along with The 40-Day Journal that was created to go along with.  

Keep coming here and getting encouragement and guidance.

Take it slowly and keep her in God's hands...when she walks thru your door...it doesn't mean that you snatch her out of His hands...He is still working!!

You, your wife and family are in my prayers.

Shepherdess

Numbers 6: 24-26 
 

Thanks for the "instructions, I'm going to print this post and keep it for quick reference and show it to the kids. My son is now meeting her for lunch.
I have texted her this morning and she is to give 2 week notice today, (she wants to be as professional as she can on the way out), and also told me that she will speak to the OM w/ the HR Dir. so that he knows and understands the no contact rule while she finishes her time there.
I agree that I would like her to take a break from working, but she has never been one to sit around and she likes to be busy, however I will not press her either way, but it will take time to find new employment.

I told her the NO Contact rule is readily verifiable by me or the kids, nothing is off limits, cell phone, e-mail, where she goes and who she goes with till she earns back our trust...and she agreed. I will press for the individual conesuling and I do have several Christian based conselurs to contact. I offered to be there with her today as a show of support as she did these tasks, but she said she had to do it herself as she's the one who made this mess. I know leaving the job I think will be the hardest as she worked hard to get to where she is and to lose it due to her actions.

She is mentally and physically exhausted, depressed, somewhat angry, and told me that she will need time and understanding for the short term.

I will take over all household things unless she insists on doing things, as I said she was never one to sit around. I told her I am her for HER, I will do what she needs as long as she needs it.

She is insisting on telling her family of these developments...and I will let her as I think this is her way of trying to put things back together.

I will hold her and spend as much time with her as I feel she'll let me, but also give her some space to be with her own thoughts.

I will be on here...probably daily updating and looking for help.

You truely are an angel and I have been blessed to find you....and I now believe God has taken her and all of us into his hand. Stay with me I know it's not over yet.

I guess my question is....is this the "lessening" of the crisis?

I mean these are the same conditions (the no contact, quit the job) that she refused to do, and left over nearly 4 weeks ago. She had other places to stay that were less expensive, and she could have stayed away if she choose to.

Could the fog be lifting slightly. She went back on the birth control one week ago, after being off for 2.5 years and during that time having her cycle completely screwed up. Could this be a factor??

Just some thoughts

I guess my question is....is this the "lessening" of the crisis?

-guest_mlbhome

It is the beginning of the healing stage.  The storm is not over yet...it is more like facing in to the storm instead ignoring or hiding from it.  She still has a way to go on the Yellow Brick Road...the most important thing to do now is to make sure that she doesn't fall asleep in the Poppy Field.  This is why I encourage IC at this time to help in resolving childhood or past issues...a full physical check-up to determine if there are any hormonal imbalances...the spiritual side seems to take care of itself...but should be encouraged within the home. (don't force church attendance)

I mean these are the same conditions (the no contact, quit the job) that she refused to do, and left over nearly 4 weeks ago. She had other places to stay that were less expensive, and she could have stayed away if she choose to.

-guest_mlbhome

 

Things have changed...run their course...GOD is working...don't question it...GO with it!

Could the fog be lifting slightly. She went back on the birth control one week ago, after being off for 2.5 years and during that time having her cycle completely screwed up. Could this be a factor??

Just some thoughts

- guest_mlbhome

Absolutely, it could be part of the problem...unbalanced hormones can cause all kinds of havoc on a persons body and brain...make them do all kinds of crazy stuff.  Another book for her to have at this point is The Wisdom of Menopause by Christiane Northrup M.D., the top Women's doctor in the US.   This book is excellent for women at any stage of the time in their life, even if they are perio-menopause (ages 37 and up). 

Be patient...GO slow...YOU are Switzerland for right now...listen, be compassionate...allow her to do as she feels fit...

I wish I could coach her.

I am sending you a private e-mail on this very idea, if you or she is interested.

Shepherdess

Thanks so much for all your advice, help and encouragement. She did turn in her notice, and ended it with the OM.

She has had a very emotional day, my son had lunch with her today, and he said it looked like a rough morning. He said he was happy that she did what she did and she said," I have alot to do, but we'll all get there".

I wish you could coach her like you have me.

She said she needs a day or too to herself, she wants to call her family and let them know, so she is staying in the hotel and coming home saturday. I know I told her she can come back anytime but she wants her alone time to keep working on her issues.

She made it clear to me that the "no contact" is in effect she met with him w/ the HR lady, and she said she just wants some time.

My son said she did have her wedding rings again.

I will keep you updated, and I will relay your thughts to the family also.

God Bless you for being with us..I'll keep updating
MLB

My W came home yesterday and while she says she's "glad" to be home she spent most of the day and evening crying as she is still in love with the OM and is also very depressed.

Spoke at length this morning and while she is here to try to work on our relationship she is in"love" with the OM, misses him, and is afraid that overtime her feelings for him will not change. She says she loves me but not "in" love with me and she hopes in time that will also change. I listen and try to be supportive and hope that in 2 weeks when she is finally out of the job they are both at, (there is no contact rule in effect there now)and can finally break clear of him she may start to see the relationship for what it is. We both know that we have allot to work on, she knows that she needs individual counseling but I have yet to say when are you going. Yesterday was HUGELY emotional and she told me that she thought she was better prepared to come home. She says she is in a "no win situation" as she has to choose one path but regardless she has to give up her happiness with him to come back to us. But if she goes with him, she gives up being happy with her family.....which she has some resentment for as they/we would not "accept" the OM. She is still very conflicted and focused on herself, and thinking she is just doing what everybody wants her to do. I reminded her that it was her who came to me about coming home, the timing and the reasons, I had to remind her of them. I told her she has made some courageous decisions this week, to come home, begin to break off with the OM, and commit to rebuilding our family relationship. I told her it will take time, but her greatest fear is " what if my feelings don't change". I think the real test will be after she gets out of this job and clear of him that the answer to that question will begin to show itself.
I think some of this is from her parents who she just got off the phone with before this conversation, who speak to her like she is home late for curfew and grounded. She gets very defensive and and shuts down and I think some of the anger lashes out.

She and I both agree that we are starting over and need to rebuild a friendship first, and I need to get my in-laws- to go with the game plan.

She is home, but struggling with the feelings, second guessing her decision, and lots of emotions.

Not much to talk about when you spend a month apart for the reasons we have.

I forgot to mention that she did go out with her "old " lady friends on thursday that she pretty much ditched when the OM and other friends at work started. One the ladies she hadn't seen or talked to in a year. She said they laughed the entire evening just like old times. They know her situation and encouraged her to come home, even though at least one of them does not like me. She asked me early this morning if I was going to church and I said yes, and she said she just couldn't do it today, I said fine, whenever your ready, so I went. That's when her folks called and gave her ..... for not going. We did spend the afternoon at some stores...she asked me to go, and we had an ok time for the second day in 4 weeks we have been together.

I know I have to be her friend, and I know I have to listen to her and today there was allot that I did listen to, but it is very difficult. I told her I can't be her husband, that's not what she needs right now, but she is in serious withdraw from this guy, and is afraid as I mentioned before of the future. In the weeks she was gone she said she did spend time with him, ( she assures me it was platonic) and she enjoys talking to him. That's what she says she will miss the most, talking to him he was /is her best friend.. Apparently when she had the "no contact" speech with him last week, he loves her, blah blah, and I asked her you had a month of opportunity by what you say that you spent time with him, I mean really to see if there was a "life" there or not. She made the decision to come back...she did ...not me . Is it tough for her sure...but you know if it was going to be so great with somebody you have nothing in common with, and just enjoy talking to...why did you come back. It seemed the conversation this morning was all about her and what she gave up to come back, and like I said you asked ME if you could come back. So I listened, stayed emotionally detached and she talks in circles. I mean there has to be some clarity there for her to make the decision to quit the job, end it with the OM, commit to the rebuild and then tell me what a great favor she's done us.

So, I will be patient, I will be detached, I will be supportive, and I will hold her....if she ever needs it. Getting her back was the first step.

She's been home since saturday, and we have had several honest talks about her feelings. I t seems that great conversations, and easy to talk to are the things she keeps saying she will miss about him. She is trying to aclamate back to living here. Since she was gone for a month we have had to take over some duties and she is a little out off as we still do them.
For she and I we are back to the beginning. Most times she won't sit next to me, or show any affection. That's ok, I know it's the MLC, withdrawal, looking to leave her job, and so on. I don't force it, I figure when she's ready it will happen. If she wants to talk about issues we will, if not I don't press. 

Like to hear about how were doing, what should be doing etc...

Don't leave me here alone now!! 

mlbhome:

You are doing fine.  Let this just happen...be there when she needs and don't pressure her.  The most important thing is to remain alert to anything that is out of the ordinary...remember...she can still backslide. 

Let her talk about the OM to you...soon she will realize that he is NOT as great as she has fantasized. I am sure it is hard to hear these things, but allowing the thoughts to get out of her brain and in to the air so she can hear them herself. You can ask her "what kind of conversations did the two of you have? Why were they interesting"  Do NOT tell her that you can do the same thing OR that the two of you had the same sorts of convos too. Yes, she will miss him because he was feeding her need to feel attractive, desired, intelligent...worthy of being listened to...her opinion mattered...she was the center of his universe...at least that is what she thinks and that is how he made her feel...even if he really didn't....THE FANTASY made her think and feel this...okay...remember this...it is the fantasy that has been built up in her mind that she is grieving...not the real man.  It is a cleansing of sorts...it has to happen, so that the OM's true colors become apparent...it takes time...but it does happen. 

I am not surprised that she is not showing affection or sitting next to you ...she is still letting go...she hasn't left her job...she just returned home...when she has left the job and is no longer seeing him or even having the chance of seeing him..that is when she will start relying on you a bit more.  Even if there is no contact..he is still very much there.  Give it time...you can't rush these things because you can't fix it for her....she has to fix it for herself.

Keep coming here and letting know how things are going...don't worry we are with you...especially in prayer.

Shepherdess