in crisis

Hey,

Survived the weekend in fairly good shape, at least I survived 3 HS girls tye dying T-Shirts in the kitchen til 1am.

My daughter did not see her mother this weekend, didn't want to according to her. Their relationship continues to deteriorate as daughter just has other things to occupy her time then "entertaining" her mother at her convience.

The W did finally get off our cell plan and called daughter for the account # from the phone store yesterday. Now why my W would think daughter knows the cell phone account # is beyond me.

W texted me this morning that she is off our plan, ( her single plan now is more expensive then if she just paid me her portion) but I'm sure the driving force is now we can't track her text messages, and it cuts another tie to us ..her family which she wants to not be associated with. That makes me somewhat sad as we were the most important things in her life at one time.

So nothing else new, her last week in present job, then next Monday she starts a new one at an Advertising agency nxt Monday closer in to where we live, and further from where she is presently staying. If she were still at home her drive to work would be 5 min, right now w/ no traffic, 45 mins one way. . Daughter's last VB game is tomorrow and even daughter is wondering what will happen as wife will have no reason to be in the area anymore, but daughter thinks that W will want more time , and daughter not going for it.

So nothing really new, don't know status of her and OM, expect that they were not together yesterday, as daughter says as W was shopping and doing cell phone change, we think OM was golfing.

Heard nothing more about divorce action. When last I heard at hearing her attny was to draw up temp. agreement, then we all review and sign, but I haven't heard anything.

Oh one more thing on the mother/daughter issue, seems the wife bouht tickets to the show "Mary Poppins" to be done here at theatre. Now normally daughter loves this stuff and her and the W have loved going in the past. Daughter was none to happy as her mom didn't even ask her about, just went and bought tickets for this coming Saturday matinee. Well, daughter already had plans and had to modify them to go to the show. She told her mother while the tickets are nice, to please be courteous to ask if she is free as she has her own life. This lead to the "I'm still your mother" line, which touched off a just what  definition  of mother is the W using. Daughter was not pleased.

So gonna try to keep mood up, but it's a dark rainey monday.

MLBHOME

Well all should have been happy that I have not spoken about my situation for the last few days, so I thought I would check in.

I signed the temp.orders yesterday. The support W must pay me is more then I even thought ( and I was erroring on the high side) and if it surprised me, then she must have had a small stroke.

The payments begin Nov.1, and here in Tx, the payments go to a state agency, who makes sure the court order is being followed ( as to amount) and then the $$ is forwarded to me. Also it's the employer who send the money directly from her pay check, after taxes. I'm sure she didn't know that either.

Add that to the expenses she now has to take over from me that I have been paying and her financhial outlook is pretty grim. Her new job that she starts next week pays her the same as she now gets so that won't help.

I also per the agreement sent her an e-mail that I am taking the daughter to Fla, for thanksgiving, and to Ohio for Xmas. Both to her parents respective homes, and her sister's and family and parents will be in Fla with us, and also at Xmas. Bummer that she'll be working, as will OM, as niether has time off, and she'll need the $$ for support payments.

I overheard her and the daughter arguing on the phone last nite about daughter not seeing her this weekend. I did stick my head in the study and motioned did she want me to take the phone, and daughter said no, I'm fine, and went right back at it.

After she hung up I didn't ask what went on, daughter just said that W was upset that daughter is not "making time for her", and daughter basicly told that she has her friends, schoolwork, her brother and me, and that keeps her busy. W had the gall to tell her that daughter should consider her feelings, and that's when daughter let her have it. So after tonite's VB game they are supposed to go get something to eat, but daughter said it depnds on how she feels.

No one in family has heard from wife in sometime even her parents.

MLBHOME

WoW!  Reality is going to hit real soon here!  November is a coming.... The fantasy is looking pretty grim to me...It is interesting how when reality starts settling in how the emerald colored glasses come off and all of sudden the Emerald City isn't the Emerald city at all...it just a dirty old city. (This is from the book NOT the movie) with plain old people living it.  

The picture you just painted that your Wife is going to deal with was exactly the picture I painted for myself...that woke me up, along with the fact that I would lose my kids, my husband, home and the extended family.  I would end up with nothing and alone....that was NOT my intention at the beginning at all...it was a Wake-up call and AHA Moment!

Send that temporary order and the letter about the holidays off with a prayer! Sit back and let God's will be done....if this doesn't blow her out of the MLC...nothing will I am afraid.

Shepherdess

I just exchanged e-mails with her.

She said this years holiday set-up is fine as she knew we were going, but asked to have daughter for next. Next year already?????? What is she thinking.

Well I'm back from exchanging e-mails w/ W. All about how she is there for the kids, they are always first, she loves them with all her heart. She has not given them up or her family....a lot of it in bold print.

Apparently she is very angry....lots of stuffing going on, and very little reality. Shep you want to read I can forward it to you privately.??

MLBHOME

There's an obvious disconnect with reality here, MLB. But I know you know that. Her very existence/lifestyle is the anti-thesis of "good mothering." Her children "are always first"? She's "there for the kids"? Right! Well, she convinced me. Not. I'm sure she loves them, but she has most certainly abandoned them and her family - traded them in the for the potbellied pig/golfer/homewrecker/car parker/scumbag. The bold print sounds like she's as eager to convince herself as she is YOU.

Don't try to decipher anything she wrote you - about the holidays "next year" or anything else. Can't you hear her still spinning?

Spinning....like a stuck car in the snow.

I did fire back a reality e-mail, and that seemed to stop her...or may be she calling her attny as I didn't believe her...or agree with her or something

It was all about her anyway, how wonderful she is how she is always there for the kids. I asked how can you do that when you live 35 miles away, work full-time, have no $$$, have done nothing financhially for the kids, cheat on their father, live with another man and so on.

I sure it was all blocked by the denial wall.

She seemed pretty upset...

MLB

So where's the private e-mail...I told you that this would set her off...make no agreements about next year...the divorce isn't final AND your daughter has a say in all of this...she seems to forget about this.

I am really not surprised...let your lawyer know about the exchange...I really don't think there is anything to worry about...if she starts pushing back...legally can't you start bringing out in court about her affair and where she is presently living?  She really doesn't have much to stand on...Boomer-rang those  projections right back at her.  The TRUTH sucks...especially when you are in the wrong .

Shepherdess

PS I bet she is angry...she is mad at the fact that her fantasy is not turning out the way she had planned...she thinks if she keeps on telling everyone that she is a good mother that people will believe her...you do realize she is looking at the BIG picture and all her good mothering prior to what is happening now is what counts...not right now....she believes you have forced her to be in this position...she still doesn't see that she has done this to herself...deep down she knows this and that make her angry too.

Oh there is now doubt she was the best mother ...and wife...no question till all this started.

But she can't just pick things out of the past at her convience and use it to beat me over the head.

I mean I know she thinks she can but I'm not letting her get away with it. How she was in the past is the bench mark that she being measured by now, and what she has done ..or not done the last 5-6 months insults what she was.

But she can't tell the difference.  I can't imagine the fantasy is working, if she was looking for some similar life with OM that she had here...there's no way. But who knows what she's thinking.

I haven't heard anything back so I guess she "hung up" on me

Good Morning,

After yesterday's e-mail exchange, (and Shep there was no further response so I guess she "hung up' on me)...and the out to dinner with the daughter brought no earth shattering revelations. Daughter said that W told her she just wants to try to spend time with her, and that she would NEVER make daughter see her or do something or go somewhere that daughter did not feel comfortable with.

Daughter told W "clearly" that she makes her own desicions as to seeing her mother and when, that my only rule is that "Dad will get involved if I ask him, or there is a safety issue, and that's all". She told her mother that I have never stopped her from seeing the W.

Did W hear her....who knows. Daughter also told her that she will never see OM, never see them together, will never be anywhere that he might be, and under no circumstances will she stay overnight in OM apt. Daughter told her mother that she feels so strogly about this issue that she WILL go before the judge and tell him and tell him why ( lay out wifes behavior) so she told her mother to back off on the weekend overnight stays as they will not happen, and to stop blaming me for the way things are.

She said her mom babbled something about visitation schedule and daughter told her if she made an issue of it, that daughter would not see her at all, which daughter reminded her mother that W gave that option to refuse her visits. She said W backed off.

So, it wasn't me who shoved back it was our daughter. Daughter told me if I hear anything about this, she wants to go to court.

So other then that...all quiet. W looks horrible, has aged at least ten years, even daughter commented on her appearence.

That's it from here

MLBHOME

If I had a daughter, I would want her to be just like your girl, MLB. She is a very determined and strong-willed kid, who isn't bashful about standing up for herself and calling a spade a spade. She will be a very formidable adult. And I mean that in the most positive way. 

She definitly is showing my defiance and her mother's stubbornness.

It's a shame she has to be like this, but she is a very happy kid, always has been, and I think she is establishing her boundries that her mother has to respect. Now does that mean the W will do that...she hasn't so far but the daughter is giving her a lesson in it.

She really is starting to view her mother as a side show, a spoiled child who can't have her way. My daughter wants to enjoy school, her friends, life at being 15 w/o having to listen to the bilge her mother loads on her about "you need to make time for me". I mean she's out and about and the last thing she said she is going to do is run her schedule past her mother to see if it conflicts with what her mother may do depending on OM. She told the W, "I only have to run what I do past dad", I'm sure that went over like a turd in the punch bowl!!

Can't argue with her there. The only card my wife can play is the "I'm your mother" and that's is not winning her any friends.

I asked my daughter this morning how it went last nite, she said 'the usual, I told her, and I hoped she listened or I told her I won't see till you do.' I asked anything I can do??...she nope it's under control.

The w just is not getting the fact that her kids are so angry with her, she thinks it will pass, "as other people get divored" and I tried to tell her in this situation nobody wins.

But....it's her life.....the mess that it is, and my daughter told her that she will not be a part of it.

MLBHOME

From what you've told me of your son they are both cut from the same cloth. He's a strong young man, and he is on his way out of the swamp his mom put him.

Keep love'em, keep 'em safe

MLB

My son just forwarded me a text he got from his mother. "I know your angry with me and won't talk to or see me but can you just text me back to let me know your ok??"

My son sent to me "texting = talking..she's desparate"

So he did not respond to her. So something in yesterday's e-mail pin pricked her. I had said in the e-mail how angry her son is with her.

I sometimes think that no relationship with her son might hurt a little more as he was her first and the two were inseparable while he was growing up. I listen to Shep's radio show and perhaps one of the triggers for the W was her son getting a girlfriend one year ago , and going off to college this August. But she encouraged the college, may be she thought he wouldn't do it.

I know she was very excited for him to go and wanted to share the expierence with him....but that's not happening. One of those things you give up because "he's funny"

MLBHOME

 All Quiet on the Southern Front...that's for you Basil.

I haven't heard any more after the e-mail exchange, never got a response from the last one I sent.

I think daughter has been speaks or texts with her in the evening, but I don't ask, and she doesn't tell. If she does it's very brief.

Payments to me start Nov.1, and I believe she starts a new job on Monday.

Don't think she has spoken to her family, I've touched base with all IL's just to chew the fat, and nobody has heard from her.

So, weekend weather to be nice gonna try and enjoy it.

MLBHOME

Keep your helmet on and your head below the trenchline, MLB. Use the scissors binoculars if you need to scan No Man's Land for hostile activity. I sense that your wife is up to something. Impossible to say what, though, naturally. Try to have a rocking weekend. I recommend Tecate beer, with a lime squeezed around the rim of the can and then a bit of salt sprinkled on the juice. (Squeezed out lime wedge naturally gets poked into the can itself before consumption.) 

Tecate sounds great, I'll get some for the 4 pm cocktail time.

As Shep pointed out, legally I don't think there's anything she can do, her to me, I mean she can formulate her suggeation for property split, but that something I'll reject out of hand. 

So I don't know...if she's talking with our daughter by phone/text they are short conversations and probably non event full.

They are going to the theatre this afternoon to see Mary Poppins, daughter doesn't want to go, it's homecoming and she wanted to go to the HS football game, but W didn't take that into consideration, no surprise.

Other than that it's been very quiet. Like I said to my knowledge no family has heard from her for several weeks, probably since the hearing.

I'm keeping the viking helmet on ( I know it doesn't fit the WW1 scenario but I like the look)
and see what happens. 

So, why did daughter give up Homecoming to go see Mary Poppin's?  Homecoming is much more exciting for a 15 year old then seeing Mary Poppin's...PLUS she didn't ask her first...it was sprung on her. When things like this happen say to yourself...

 NOTE to MLB: Keep eyes open for W who uses events and certain actions with daughter that are manipulation.  If W buys tickets or makes plans for daughter without consulting daughter first, daughter is not obligated in any way shape or form to go to said event or take part in said plans.  As always...Daughter has control...but if this continues , I need to address it.

Since your W knows that the Judge has told you to encourage your daughter to spend time with her...W is figuring out ways to create events and plans that you will have to encourage her to attend...if you don't she can point this out in court.  Buying tickets for a play and then your daughter not attend with her could be brought back at your feet, even if you DID encourage her to go.

IMHO...Homecoming Weekend is very important to a teenager and it was wrong of your W to make her go to a play instead of attending HC.   If your D went to the play not to disappoint her, she will eventually resent her for the manipulation.  I bet she could have given or sold the tickets to someone else or even exchanged them for another time or date.

My major concern here is that she is using your Daughter to Manipulate you ans ultimately manipulates your D too.  

The MLC continues to spin...even in small ways like this...

Shepherdess

Daughter and I did talk about this, and the only HC event she wanted to go to was the football game. She is not interested in the dance.

We knew we were getting manipulated, and daughter did tell her several weeks ago before doing anything like that agin to check first or she will not go.

I will be following and looking for things like this.

Got an e-mail from one of W's best girlfriends chking on us. She says she has not heard from the W in several weeks. She told the wife continually to break it off even when she was home. She says she has put some distance between herself and W as she can longer offer a friends support to her based on what she is doing.

She agrees she is sick, but told me same as you did earlier this week that what the W did tell her led her to the conclusion that this is not your normal affair, like they don't act like, or she felt HE didn't act like he was going to spend the rest of HIS life with her. She said that W told her he goes about his life and does his stuff .........that she is not "forcing"..... him to do anything???  She told me it is really weird.

But she was very helpful, is gonna chk on us often, she just didn't know what my reaction to her would be. I said stop over for a beer sometime.

She also told me that one of the other friends that wife hung out with ( the 3 of them did stuff together) has not heard from wife either, and will not contact her due to her situation.

So, she has no "old friends" now, ....very bissarre.

MLBHOME

spoke with MIL this evening and they spoke with W Thurs. She called to make sure they made it to Fla all right.

Some pts. of interest. W's new job gives her paid time off from the Tues. before Thanksgiving to the following Monday. She told MIL that she will miss going to Fla. and being with everybody, MIL said they will miss her too, but that they will make sure we have a good time.

Previously W played down the trip because ( when she had prior job up to thursday)
as she would have had to work. Now that she has the time off PAID, she wants to go but the reason she's not is because no one wants her there! Plus with the support payments she may not have had the $$$.

The same situation exists at Xmas, as she has the week off PAID Xmas week but will not have the $$ to get to Ohio, but that she is not wanted there.

MIL discussed this with Indy SIL/BIL and all agreed to let her sit there rather then getting her to either place ( when me and the kids are not there) and let her think about things. OM will have to work all those days as dealership is open. So IL's said she needs to sit alone while the family gathers.

Daughter went to the theatre with W today and W called sister in Indy to wish their youngest happy birthday, she's 5. W described the party they had for her, and D said W got misty, as W always had her as the favorite out of the four.

I asked D what as W's mood today...she said very quiet. outside the birthday party and starting new job yesterday she said W was very quiet.

So that's it from today

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