in crisis
hello mlbome: I have been reading your threads - you are in a tough situation - and - so is your wife. Addiction - yes those in MLC seem to get into their addictions. With any addicition, it is an attempt to self medicate away pain - inner pain - so intense, so excruciating that you can barely breathe. You are in a panic, you need to distract yourself from the pain - you need another fix.
Your W, if she truly has ended it with the OM, is going through withdrawal. She still has the pain that the affair masked for awhile. She still has the emptiness, that she tried to fill with an affair. She still has the confusion and desperation of not being able to find relief. AND she now has to deal with guilt.
When those experiencing MLC turn to affairs, alcohol, drugs, shopping......it is a attempt to somehow fill the emptiness they feel; the world does not feel the same to them anymore; they walk around in a painful haze that colours everything - it does not allow happiness, feelings of contentment, fulfillment, satsifaction, purpose........THEY FEEL EMPTY and are terrified by that feeling.
When I first awoke finding myself in a MLC - I didn't know what it was - but even the air smelled different, everything that I had cherished, nurtured and believed in - was gone. I didn't know where - but it was GONE. I walked around doing what was necessary to keep me alive (I live alone a lot) but I had no energy - I who have spent a lifetime with insatiable energy - had difficulty doing the basic necessities of life. The world was different - than it was the day before - and it has been different ever since. I honestly wondered how others could be walking around, laughing, talking, doing the things they did - how could they not feel the pain I was feeling. How come they were not lost? The world and my world was shallow, meaningless and I felt like an empty zombie with no self-value or purpose. Now - full of meaning, purpose and I feel alive again.
I have no advice for you. Your W sounds, from your description, like she is becoming aware that this is about HER - that does not mean that your marriage will stay intact. She has to travel this road completely - or it will never end. Protect yourself and your children - but don't give up on her or your marriage yet - the OM is a nasty thing to deal with - you seem to want to deal with that and go forward - be patient. Remember you are dealing with someone who feels extremely injured and doesn't know what to do - she NEEDS to find her way back to some form of 'normalcy'. It can happen, it does happen and hopefully your W will be one of the ones who grows from this MLC, gets stronger, more determined, more satisfied - rather - than one of the ones who continues to spin forever.
PEACE
I was hoping you would respond, as I have read your posts. Between you and Shepherdess I am getting a clearer understanding of what has been happening. My elder sister in law (ESIL) went through ML, no crisis and described to me 2 nights ago just what you said, but she recognized it, and was able to become a stronger person. She has the line of communication to my wife. I understand now what my W has to do, the issue is getting her to recognize it and begin to work.
I know she has tremendous determination to face this challenge head-on, its just getting her to turn around and face it, not to be afraid of it anymore, to embrace it, understand it, and come to terms with it. Perhaps she has the expectation that our life has to return to "normal". To be honest I don't remember what normal was, but I understand there will be a new normal.
I'm not giving up. I don't care about my pain ...I care about hers. You never want to see the one you love hurt, and I can see she's hurting, and confused, and very ....lost, just lost...somewhere. Its like she's in a hall of mirrors and trying to get out but can't find the door. I have never been in that position, depressed yes and all that comes with that, but not empty to the point of what you describe.
You know another thought. Could it be that this OM, the reason he seems to be so important to her is that at that time when she needed someone to just listen.........thru dumb luck.......he did??
mlbhome: you say that your ESIL has gone through a similar tough journey as your wife - without the affair. As she told you - it is the denial of MLC that causes all the collateral damage, partners, children, careers, lifetyles............The fact that your ESIL is in communication with your suffering W is a very good thing. Her experience, even if rejected as irrelevant by your W, will plant seeds of possible future recognition. Many experiencing MLC feel that they have been AWAKENED to the faults of their life, to the emptiness that has existed all along, they just didn't see it. That awakening is false - yet so comforting in a strange way.
....could it be that OM was there to listen.... NO - she did not turn to the OM to talk - to pour out her pain - he would not listen - nor would she let him see below the facade that she presents to him. She did not turn to the OM because YOU didn't listen. She went that way - because she is desperate to feel again, desperate to know what it feels like to be alive, desperate to have emotional memories, desperate to feel worthy, loveable and attractive - because she is ugly, feeingless, worthless, empty - and LOST.
From your posts, you are no different than the many men and women who's partner is travelling this road. You are NOT at fault - nor is she. She did not ask this to happen - wishes it would go away - wants to feel like she once did - but she doesn't know how. Your W, if she is telling you the truth about the OM, needs your help - she needs to know that you understand - you won't accept the blame nor will you enable her - but you understand that she is in an EXTREMELY difficult space right now. When I decided to talk to my partner - I had not entertained the idea of OM - one man was enough for me!! - although I did question the very basis of our relationship. Many of the things that I confided in him - sometimes gently, sometimes filled with hostility and blame, sometimes my pain so visible it broke his heart - hurt him - but we continued to remind ourselves that this was a journey that I was on - not by choice - and I was doing everything within my power to heal and return to him a whole, happy and future looking woman. What he was hearing from me - the ugliness, the pain, the horror, the worthlessness of me and everything I touched, the lack of meaning in my life and therefore in my marriage, the lack of purpose in my life - I was a waste of skin. How do you listen to someone you love say those things about themselves - with patience, re-assurance and compassion - my partner knew what I was saying was not what he had witnessed for 35 years - yet it was my REALITY within MLC - he acknowledged that I felt that way, and therefore that was what was important, but that he saw a different REALITY as my partner in life and would convey those thoughts to me. Throughout our discussions he would reject gently the way I pictured myself and my life - sometimes I would scream at him that he just did not get it - but in my quiet moments - those words would come back to me - and pick away at the MLC induced negative perception of myself.
I hope your W finds her way - the first step is RECOGNITION - but that is not the end - that is just the beginning of her journey - it will be rough, there will be times when she feels that she will not make it, and you will feel that your relationship is gone for good - but if she is able to recognize that this is a process that some of us are unfortunate enough to experience and CHOOSES to work through this in a healthy and meaningful way - she will need every bit of support you can give her.
PEACE
....could it be that OM was there to listen.... NO - she did not turn to the OM to talk - to pour out her pain - he would not listen - nor would she let him see below the facade that she presents to him. She did not turn to the OM because YOU didn't listen. She went that way - because she is desperate to feel again, desperate to know what it feels like to be alive, desperate to have emotional memories, desperate to feel worthy, loveable and attractive - because she is ugly, feeingless, worthless, empty - and LOST.-sbreeze1
On most occasions I totally agree with sbreeze1...I agree with everything she has said in this quote above except that the OM didn't listen to her and that is why she turned to him. SHE DID turn to the OM to talk and to be listened to...to talk about anything other than what was sucking her dry...to lure out his attention(to test her ability to attract)...to revive the subjects that she hadn't spoken of in a long time...His interest and attention came from the fact that he DID listen and he asked and reacted correctly. He found her interesting, while also finding similiarities in their present plights. Even if he pretended to listen...SHE thought he was listening....it is part of the fantasy...part of the HUGE need to be seen as something more than just a wife, mother, a worker...A woman in severe MLC, who is convinced that her life partner is not there for her or listening....is STARVING...PARCHED...these relationships start out as pure talking and listening...it is part of the EMOTIONAL AFFAIR( the very reason why these types of affairs have increased). They get a taste through the talking and listening...then they become addicted to the attention that is the result. This doesn't make it right...the MLC is not about the marriage/relationship or the husband...the reason why an affair becomes part of the crisis IS because the person in crisis doesn't feel safe communicating their feelings to their partner. Look at "Outoftime"...she is scared to death to discuss this with her husband...she doesn't want to hurt him...he is too busy to listen to her...she is too busy to tell him...whatever the excuse is. Being attentive and listening...communicating and taking time with one another is important...but by the time the MLC tornado rolls through it is too late...There is a breakdown in communication.
sbreeze's situation is the ideal one...her husband has treated her exceptionally...it is very rare...IDEAL. The one of two I have heard of where the wife did not have an affair and was able to get through the MLC with her marriage /partnership intact. It does happen, even when there is an affair...it takes the woman doing an awful lot of work, mentally, physically and spiritually, along with strong understanding and compassionate treatment by her life partner....patience and the ability to LISTEN without judgment. If you have read her story...I do not know many men who would have had the patience and understanding that her partner did or does have...they are two very special people!!! Sbreeze is right on about the way your wife feels and what is going within her...the difference is...if the affair is over...then she IS grieving the end...it is one more thing in her MLC stew.
Shepherdess
I have to say that is alot to think about. My ESIL in response to my post texted me that my W
"that her subconscience was seeking worth,newness, the feeling of excitement and the feelings of a new relationship to try to feel....alive again"
I think everybody seems to know this but me. How can I help her at this point?? What support can I offer. Is she at this point looking to me for something??
I understand all that you say, this is a horrific place for anyone to be, to believe this of themselves. The recognition that you speak of that she needs to expierence is that her ackowledgement of what you are describing she feels.?? To accept in herself that is the MLC that is making her feel this way? To say to herself or out loud or to me I am feeling this...........
Wow........I keep reading these two posts and I can hear some of the few things my W says, "like I don't why I feel this way, I don't know what is the matter with me, I have these feelings, how can I tell about this I don't want to hurt you, I didn't ask for this it just happened". While I'm hearing this I'm thinking it is explaining the affair....NOT the what she was feeling!
You two ladies have no earthly idea how much your responses help me. Three days ago I had no idea what was going on ...now I know. I could never, ever believe that these kind of emotions could develop in such a way, to effect the thought processes and produce changes such as this. I can't believe that apparently nobody except you folks takes an interest in this. This is like a cancer.
OK....what part can I play in helping her at this point of the journey.??? I realize that it is about her, and what she needs to find within can not be fed to her by me, or perhaps at what point in the journey is she going to need me??...Or do I stay away, and if so when will she need me. Please I ask these questions not so I can be helpful to satisfy myself, but to let her that I want to understand.
thanks a thousand times!!!
been another weekend here. Spoke to my W on the phone, I answered and had small forced small talk. After an ackward silence she said it was good to here my voice, I said it was good to hear hers. Asked how I was doing, I said as well as can be expected, I asked how she was she said the same.
she and my daughter went to church this morning, my daughter asked her to go. they went to one service I to the other. The sermon was about how God can help you in your life if you feel trapped in your life, relationship , marriage and so on. Could not have been more tailor made. Then they went shopping and then I had them come back to the house so I could work on her truck, and I told my W to bring her laundry. I was outside working on the truck as she was inside doing her laundry and visiting with my our daughter. As I cleaned up she came outside and kinda followed me as I puttered seemingly wanting me or her to say something. I even asked if she needed me to do something for her. Anyway...me and the kids were going to a movie so we had to leave and as she left she came to me and thanked me for working on the truck, letting her do laundry, and said I should get back in the gym, and she liked my hat (the kids got me it for fathers day), and started to cry. My daughter leaves to go out of town for 2 weeks tomorrow....i wonder how things will go.........to me she seems very "lost" and depressed. I did stick a note in a bag of things she had bought that simply said that I was sorry I didn't listen, that I'm trying to learn so that I can understand, and that she should try to reach out to her older sister. I closed with that my love for her was, is, and will be unconditional.
Okay...everything that you did for your wife this weekend is very kind, gentle, compassionate...do not push even the tiniest of bits.
Let her think about what you did for her, the sermon, her time with your daughter...the note....give her time...Let the seeds of thought and realization occur...do not over water what you have done...you will kill it OR you will enable her behavior and she will take advantage of your kindness. Turn all of this over to GOD, my friend...only HE can lead her back...believe me when I say this...it was true for me. Your wife is wrestling with devil...ask God to help her and then let HIm do exactly that...help her. This is a part of detaching too...allowing God to take control...you must have faith in Him. His plan is not to harm you, but to prosper you and your family...but the key is totally turning things over...having faith.
Shepherdess
sent text to W that daughter was on plane taking off. I got a return text say "OK thanks, and thank you for the nice note you left in the bag, I have talked to Margaret (my ESIL) some and did watch "Fireproof" last night which was very good.". She also said she has the book "Love Dare" on reserve at the library, and I offered my copy to her as I'm almost done. She said thanks.
Yes I totally agree that thats enough for one "thaw" and I am keeping my expectations realistic. I agre e and understand that she needs to come to grips with her issues...on her own and not thru any one else. Also I know that even planting the seeds it takes time for them to sprout and grow strong. No more from me , continue detaching, going on with life and just let things sit for awhile. I have turned over to GOD and I have and continue to ask for his help for her, to lift the burden from her heart.
I'll keep you updated, and manymany thanks for ur support.
MLBHome
A question....I have reread sbreeze's posts in which she said "when I decided to talk to my partner"
I am assuming that you made the overtures to him.....as opposed to him trying to get you to talk. From what I've been reading here is that she needs to come to or thru some part of journey in which she may feel "comfortable" to talk to me about her situation. Sbreeze when you spoke to your life partner the first time did you realize prior to or at the time you were in MLC??, or thru talkiing with him was he able to help you reach that conclusion.
I am hoping to get to that point so as to have her talk to me. My approach (unless you guys think differently) is to just listen. No conclusions, no action to be taken, no judgements, but no enabling, and no support of bad behavior. If given the oppurtunity some gentle reflection back if she tears herself down. Give me some thoughts.....for now jsut getting her to do what I mentioned previously is at least a small step forward, and I will leave her at that point for awhile.
Stop trying to fix her or what ever is going on with her...Take your hands off her . You can't control her thoughts or her ability to understand or know...Turn this over to God for the moment. Don't push...don't pull...just be there when she comes to talk. Allow God to lead you in this...You are still trying to work it...GO watch "Fireproof" again...what was the most important lesson the husband had to learn?
Shepherdess
Ok , I hear you. We are going to back off and let things alone for awhile, and leave it to GOD.
Will keep you updated. Our son is having lunch with her tomorrow and their relationship has detriorated to the point of very little verbal exchange. I'm going to have him read these posts, so that he understands the situation better.
Thanks, keep the support coming
Our son is to meet my W today for lunch.....their relationship is virtually non existant since this situation imploded. He is 18, and had been very close to his mom, and her to him. I had him read the posts in this thrread, I with him, trying to explain where his mom is at. It's a difficult concept for me to get my head around, and more so for him. He is not looking forward to this. I am sending the book "Love Dare" with him to give to her...per her request. Feeling a little down today....all this just zaps my energy and mental stamina. I know she must come to her "awakening" (if its still possible) on her own and I have spoken with my ESIL and we have agreed to back off for awhile and let things sit. I hope I am ready to listen to my W w/o judgement if and hopefully when the day should come. I pray for the oppurtunity, and also the strength to be what she needs.
Shepherdess....I think the concept in the movie that had to be learned is .......patience??? I know I have very little...for this or anything else. This whole situation while not about me...has been for me....about me to some extent. Trying to struggle with her, and the emotions that I have been feeling, pain, and betrayal to the absolute depths of my soul, never have I felt like that, and never want to again. If not for my children, who have been rocks thru this, seeing their father who is supposed to protect them form the forces of evil, reduced to his knees more then once is very humbling. I have turned to faith like never before in my life and hope that providence will smile upon us in this dark time.I know I can not influence her, guide her, or even I guess protect her although it is hard not to worry about her. The other difficult trial in this is being virtually helpless. I am a "fix it" person, you're right and I have trouble believing that I can't fix this. But I know it is not my problem to fix, but that still is difficult to comprehend. The range of emotions that you cycle thru are so many and so intense that it is almost paraylizing mentally, and physicaly. I struggle with detaching but continue to do it, knowing that that is all I can contribute towards a solution at this time. Time and the grace of GOD is what is needed now, I know. I have a wonderful network of family in support of us and they to struggle with the fact that there is nothing they can either. I don't want her to dig a deeper hole then she already has, and yes I know there is not damn thing I can do about it except worry, which I'm doing quite well at.
I guess well see how the lunch goes....and wait.
MLBhome
Patience is indeed one of the messages of "Fireproof"...but in the end it is really about having faith in God...to realize that none of this is about you, her, or your children...it is about having enough faith in God to know that He is in control...it is His plan and YOU are willing and have enough faith to follow what ever plan He has decided upon. It maybe with your wife...it may be without her. It is about who YOU are listening to...God or your own heart...mind and spirit. Watch it again...you'll see what I mean. When you have faith in Him...there is no worry...there is no desperation...you know that God is prospering you, not trying to harm you...what is the lesson He wants you to learn...IS it patience...Is it not to worry...Is it to truly turn her over to God...to completely take your hands off of her? Is it to be everything to your children right now because they need you? What do you believe God wants you to do in all of this? When you have this answer...everything will fall in to place....there will be no expectations because you will be living by faith alone.
Shepherdess
I am trying to leave it to God, and to have faith. I hope he smiles upon her
Oh and Shepherdess I am reading that book The Worn Out Women.....just started it.
I sent out the word to all to back off. My W did reach out to my-brother -in-law (BIL) 2 nights ago unexpectedly and they talked for over an hour. He would not relay the details of their talk do to attorney client privildge. (he's an attorney) He did say she is very "confused" need some room, and is ok.
He left it to her to call him whenever she wanted that he was not going to meddle, but that he would text or call once a week to see if she was ok.
So I have gotten instructions out to all to leave her alone for awhile, and we'll keep praying instead, and have faith.
I have re-read sbreeze's posts, and your sounds like your partner played a significant role in helping you come to terms with the MLC.
Can you relate...what it was that he did, or perhaps didn't do that was helpful when you talked.
What were your expectations in talking to him, after the talk, were yor expectaions met?? Meaning what was your thought process going in and how did he achieve helping you.
Or perhaps Shepherdess you can weigh in on this??
I would really like to know.
Mlbhome
Shepherdess I understand what you are saying about faith. I understand that God may be trying to show his plan for me, or us and we must have faith. I know people have so much faith, and so much belief that they say they know what God's plan is for them.
I want to have faith that this will work out. Do I know what God's plan is...no. Do I know how to find out, learn it, to become aware of it..no. Some people can say that they have such a relationship with God that it brings them comfort, and direction in time of trial. I don't know if I know how to create that relationship, or if even God would care. I would hope that he does. I pray to Him, ask Him to heal her heart, to bring her peace, to give me strength for the kids and myself......but is that right???
Is this His challenge to my faith in Him.?? Is it a challenge to her faith.?? Is it selfish of me to ask him for those things?? I just don't know ...... I will continue to pray and seek some sort of answer, and I have to leave this to Him .
