in crisis

Thank you that's what I need to hear ...my self confidence is at a low ebb. Your beginning to sound like Basil!!  Jerkwad??? Completly correct!

I'll be ready, I'm always good in a crisis just not one that lasts months, it's very tiring. In talking to my MIL last my night, my FIL said in the back ground , "Let her have, it!".

I'm always the pesismist, as nothing has really gone right with this mess. It has gone just as you said it would, but just wish it would not have come to this.

We all think the pressure is getting to her as even her mother was surprised at the anger and bitterness she heard from wife yesterday. Told her daughter you brought this on yourself. Her mother also related that as a child she would be last at the dinner table for hours after all had finished because she would not eat whatever vegetable they were having. Her mother said this sickness has exasperated that.

Before the screaming began saturday, I did tell her she can end this whole thing, give him up, counseling, and come home, ..got the standard "I would be living a lie."

I think I mentioned that OM was gone all day to his mother's which is 70 miles away. Another example where all the crap he told her, the places they would go, ...not happening.

She is still deep in the fantasy as she told D "coming back I would be living a lie." 

I will go in as the papa bear protecting the cubs, I will give no quarter. She has done this, brought this to this point, all on her own. The kids and family have told me over the weekend, "do what you have to do", and I will.

I found a copy of the "Deguello" the Moorish/Mexican bugle call used by Mexican forces at the Alamo.
It means, " no quarter given, no surrender accepted".

Any pep talks are greatly appreciated.

Dude, Shepherdess is absolutely right! Your wife will be the one blindfolded and dangling a last cigarette from her sputtering mouth. And she'll be giving the order to fire, too.

Just stay calm - unemotional. Let your attorney do his job. The facts are on your side. You can't feel any mercy for this woman. She is - obviously - all about 'her' right now. Let's see what the court system thinks about her need to not live a lie - i.e., shack up with a scumbag. God, that is so pathetic: "I would be living a lie." No one is going to bore through her MLC muskeg for a while, at least.

She's attracted the ire of her entire family - and for what? For a loser. Forsaken everything and everybody for a soul-less soulmate who would rather golf than spend time with her on her birthday.

I certainly hope you do everything within your legal powers to subpoena that SOB and force him to submit to a disposition. Have him served at work if at all possible. Humiliate him, aggravate him, inconvenience him - make sure he understands that there's a whole lot more to this little live-in gurlfren of his than she indicated. These MLC women really are amazing. She - like my ex - apparently just thought you'd happily go along with her big flight to freedom. No big deal! What's the fuss?

Time to wack her upside the head - figuratively speaking. And keep wacking.

Kick some tail, MLB! St. Louis has your back.

Basil Duke   

Basil, I was hoping you would get on here.

Yup the scumbag took off yesterday to see his mother 70 miles away, and she was alone, begging to see the D who said .."no"

Your description about me just accepting this is spot on, you said it before, wants me to accept her being married to me, and having a boyfriend, ...what's the harm???

She has truly continued to spiral down, and my D is thinking that if there was a "romance" part of all this ..it stopped long ago. She feels that he is just letting her stay there, as the house maid, cooking cleaning and so on. As W told her saturday, "this place is just a roof"......but tells me, and her mother..."if I came back I would be living a lie".......crazy.

It is my hope that she is as combative tomorrow as she was to me on saturday and the wall of denial will come into play. ONE of the great trump cards to play is ..."Mr. Judge we are prepared to subpoena Mr. Scumbag to get to the truth of the matter, and to assist in Mrs. MLB's memory lapse."." My FIL is like you, he will fly dwn to see it.

just the whole expierence has me nervous, never been in court before, except to serve on a jury.

What should I wear. Gonna be 86 degrees' tomorrow, I was thinking a shirt and tie, or business casual???

Appreciate you covering my back, I know when I get in there the game face will be on, for sure.

MLBHOME

I would definitely wear a tie and a sports jacket, at least. And pants, of course. Appearances are very important. All my lawyer friends tell me that. Your demeanor will be critical, too. That's why I implore you to stay calm, and to let your lawyer do all the talking. The judge is a human being, after all, and will be watching you AND your wife. If she does wacko in court, all the better for you. I'm not an attorney, but from my vantage point, it seems like she's got a very steep hill to climb, even if she keeps it together and shows up looking and acting like Donna Reed. I mean, come on, the woman bolted her home and is living with a scumbag to whom she's not married.

Is your father-in-law REALLY flying in to watch this? His presence alone will be enough to send your wife straight over the edge. She'll collapse in hysterical tears when she sees him.

What exactly is the nature of your court appearance tomorrow?

Basil Duke 

No he's not flying in, he want's too, but with MIL just having surgery, he's not.

Tomorrow's hearing is on TRO (Temorary restraining order), or Temporary Orders.

It temporariarly decides, child custody, child support, spousal support, who stays in the house, who is paying D healthcare, and protection of community property.

These questions are usually decided by the parties before hand, presented at the hearing, judge ok's it, and the parties follow it till the completion of some sort of time deadline, and during that the parties hash out who gets what and so on.

I wish her dad could come down and walk in the court room with me...I'd love to see it.

I all goes as to what I have been told, I don't pay her anything, and she pays me all her costs, and child support at 20% net income.

So, this is all stuff that I KNOW she has not thought about. For somebody who net's 2K a month, things will add up quick.

MLBHOME

I just want you guys to know how much you mean to me as my journey goes
I guess in a different direction.
I'm hoping for some sort of success, coming out with the D and having the responsibility for this placed where it belongs, and also the cost would be a start.

No one has heard from W today, not even the D.

So I.m going to have my last glass of wine, ( felt like wine today), watch my hour of Fraser re-runs ( I love Fraser), watch the news, and hit the sack, say a long prayer for guidance, and hope to get some sleep.

Ill let you know how it goes.......

mlbhome

You know you have our prayers...unceasingly!!!

Basil and Shep,

Just got back, and I really never want to do that again.

She caved on everything. Granted we knew all along that she has no standing on any thing, but she just gave up everything

The temp orders are:
Joint conservetorship, which in Tx, I have custody of D, I determine where she lives, and legal decsisions

Visitation, is that my wife has visitation 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends BUT my daughter can refuse to to go or see her mother, however I am to encourage that she do so. I have a morality clause saying that OM can not be in apt between 10pm-8am, if D is staying overnight. Also W was instructed bt judge to use descreation in having D around OM, and to avoid such occurances.

She is paying me child support, D health ins, 1/2 non covered health costs

W pays her own expenses like cell phone, vehicle ins, vehicle costs and so forth.

I have exclusive use of house. She has 2 hrs on Saturday to get the rest of her clothes and personnal items out.

Everything else is to be decided at later date.

She would not look at me, was stone faced. My attny said read nothing in that she was told to be unemotional.

But she argued nothing. Either she knew she was dead on all the issues, and arguing would bring her and OM life into the spotlight, which I'm sure she did not want.

It is very hard to watch 3 legal people pick your life apart on paper.......and she didn't care at all.

She has lost so much weight, she looks 10 years older. 

MLBHOME

I've been waiting for this post, MLB. Sounds like things REALLY went your way. Good job! I actually expected your wife to blow a gasket in the courtroom. Probably for the best - for your own mental health - that she didn't. I'll bet she was on a muscle relaxer or some other form of sedative. I know that was tough, seeing your wife there and hearing a judge admonish her to be discreet about her boyfriend. God, how ridiculous is that? Your wife's boyfriend. I really and truly hope you subpoena that bottom-feeder - flush the scum from cover and shine a spotlight on him. That would drive your wife - and him, naturally - nuts. Nothing drives a cheating wife frantic more than the thought of her beloved and saintly boyfriend suffering ANY sort of repurcussion for his twisted and conscious role in the destruction of a family - whether it's a brutal beating or having to sit through a deposition. Let him have it, MLB!!!! Both barrels, man.

Re: your wife looking like crap. Mine is the same way. Regardless of their arrogance and self-confidence, this lifestyle eats them alive - literally. My ex weighs about 88 pounds, and she's five five. Hair falling out, face gaunt, eyes hollow. They're in the clutches of something insidious and powerful, aye? Wrestling with the devil.

Hang in there, MLB. I'm glad things came out on the good guy's side.

Basil Duke   

I guess we can view this as a victory...but really it is just a win on the right side in that YOU do not have to bend to any of the stupid stuff she is doing AND you have protected your daughter against forced exposure to your wife's lifestyle and OM.  

I have to agree with Basil...that if there is an opportunity to make things difficult for the OM...I would do it as long as it is legal.  

You told us what happened but you didn't tell us the way you feel about it....other than you never want to do that again.  When you are ready...let us know how you are feeling.

I am not jazzing on the visitation deal...I would have pushed for NO overnights since she is living with an OM...Did her residence ever come in to question?  Did the judge tell her to get her own place?  How is she going to handle the support and health insurance?

It is all so sad to me.  I guess you are just relieved that this day is over.  We are here when you need.  Please get some rest...you are in my prayers.

Shepherdess

At this point I really don't know what to say but....I don't blame you one bit for feeling the way you feel...believe me when I say...that  if she wasn't starting to feel the pressure...now she will.  Today was a chance for her to do the right thing...she didn't.  You are right she fell on the sword for him.  I believe your W is going to go the way of Basil's I am afraid....

I want to remind you... her three months are still not up...this is just one event that moves her and OM toward that end...I don't believe OM will be sticking it out...I really don't....and if she is looking the way you are saying...he will be looking for someone else soon, if he isn't already.  A player is always a player. 

If I could give you a do over...
i would definitely give it to ya!  She WILL regret what she has done...don't worry.  

I am so sorry to hear about all of this MLB...Let go of your anger here and if you don't want to do it in open forum...do so in private e-mail.  Keep your head up...she got nothing other than the OM and even that isn't guaranteed...now is it?  YOU have been able to keep everything else so far...your children, the house...and you are not required to pay for her Affair.  You will see in hindsight that these things are truly blessings....there are many I have helped that ended up paying for the W's A , lost their house, cars, money everything!  You saved all that from her MLC tornado.  There is some good in this...but right now the hurt and stress of all of this is keeping you from seeing it.  

Remain strong...your daughter and son need you more than ever!!!

Shepherdess

Why does God hate me???

Why does God hate her??

What?!!!!  The question is why is the devil attacking your wife  and why is she allowing it?  

SHE IS WRESTLING THE DEVIL and YOU know it!!  

GOD got your custody for you, allowed you to keep the blessings of you home...the respect of your family and children...TODAY WAS A VICTORY!!! A VICTORY in keeping those blessings that NEED you most protected in your care. God ensured no harm came to those who were believing in Him....He continues to prosper you in amongst all the CR@P your wife is rolling around in.  She is rolling with the pigs and you are not.  

The devil...Satan has a hold on your wife and you are questioning GOD?!!! 

Your wife turned her back on God and became an adulteress...she is refusing to sin no more. She sat quietly in court and protected the man that is stealing her life from her.  WHY?  Because she is an ADDICT!

God is not doing this to YOU or HER.

Your Wife because of her addiction is doing this to you and your children....BUT God is standing in the gap and making sure that she stays 40 miles away, and is not allowed to bring your child in contact with the jerkwad...making HER pay...not you.

Satan is telling you that GOD has forsaken you....don't listen...don't give in...GOD IS STILL WORKING!!!  YOUR WIFE IS STUBBORN AND IN THE HOLD OF THE EVIL ONE...SHE IS LIVING IN SIN...AND ALLOWING SATAN FREE REIGN IN HER LIFE.

God has been protecting you, leading you giving you strength to get through your days till now.  He brought you here...He has put angels in your path to keep you together...sane...ALL HER family is behind you. 

Now I don't know His plan...but what I DO know is that He does NOT hate you or your wife.  

God unconditionally loves both of you...but He will not force you to have faith in Him...He is not the Wiz or a Magician...a Gene in bottle...He is God and to wonder why he hates you so much to allow this tells Him that you don't have faith in what he is doing or in His plan ...that He will take care of you no matter what...He already has....He proved it in court today!  YOU WON!

Shepherdess

Hey, MLB - God doesn't hate either one of you. Stop thinking like that. It's not healthy. For now, the devil's got one over on you. I really think it boils down to a matter of good versus evil.

In the relative early going of this, you were - I THINK - expecting a clear cut victory in a fairly short period of time. (I might be wrong about that.) Problem is, you're fighting a damned tidal wave - not a conventional army that can be defeated in the field and made to surrender. You had two choices: stand there in front of that immense, lethal wall of water with your daughter and son and get washed away or grab the kids and run for the hills. Dude, you ran for the hills - you did the RIGHT THING. You ARE winning.

The tidal wave is still pounding itself into submission on the rocky coastline. Can you stop a tidal wave, MLB? Would you throw your daughter onto those water-blasted rocks?

I may have said this to you before, but the ultimate victory in this might not include your wife. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is. Your victory might be a safe daughter and strong son - and your dignity.

Gotta go fix my son some supper. Will write more later.

Basil

ABSOLUTELY...Basil is right on the money!

 I may have said this to you before, but the ultimate victory in this might not include your wife. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is. Your victory might be a safe daughter and strong son - and your dignity. 

-basilduke

This is the most important statement said today...I believe I said this to you also on one of our calls...the end game may not include your wife...it may mean that you survive all of this with your children, within your home, job and finances intact, along with not losing the connection you have with your extended family.  Can your wife say this?  Not after today...she has a tentative situation with man who probably won't commit to her...he would rather play golf and drink.

I am praying for you...if you need to talk let me know...I bet you would prefer a chat with basil at this point instead.

Shepherdess

D had VB game tonight, she told her mother that she had a bad day, has homework, and was worried about me, and wanted to spend time being with me. Wife told her that she had a bad day too, D told her that she brought today on herself and that "my Dad didn't deserve today". W never said anything about what happened today. D knew the results as I took her VB shoes to her after school and we talked.

    W left in tears, I told D to go, but she said no, she was going home with me.

    Both your posts are well needed, and perhaps I need some time to realize what I have gained, by what I could have lost. No doubt that I came out ahead. I will take sometime to chat with God, and thank him for being with me today.

Basil, your right I thought it would be clear cut, and I was sure that my W was stronger than she is. but as we have all seen she has spiraled down deep.

Her physical appearence is frightful, just as Basil you described your wife.
Eyes sunken in, hollow cheeks, looking anorixic, not healthy. My D commented on the way home that she looked terrible.

She has added to her dilemma with the dollar committment to me.

She loves her money. My attny said to lead our life as normal as possible, as that will show her she is not in control. He was very kind to me, talked to quite awhile after things were done, said he has seen many similar situations change as now that the process has started regret can start to set in.
   He first saw her he said MLC. He said much the same as you Shep. Time.
He said the affairs never last, and now that she is there with him, and essentially walked away from all this, he will be under the gun more to deliver on the garbage he fed her, plus with the $$$ now that she has to pay will hurt to.

  I guess it seems to me that today she only dug her hole deeper.

Il's were happy with the outcome, and Basil, you and my FIL are from the same cloth, he said what can we do to OM??

just never thought it would go this far. Planning to continue the process as it unfolds, and D is not making it easy and said W will not bully her into spending time with her.

Guys I appreciate your time and words, they really hit home. I'm going to try to get some rest, give my D a big hug and call my boy.

please keep the pep talks coming

MLB

  We are always here when you need...Be patient...there is still time...and she is not ready for God to do what He needs to do...He is still preparing her or waiting for the right moment in time OR  she will permanently turn away. This doesn't mean you should be waiting for her to do so.

The look you mention that both your Wives's have is a definite indicator that this is a battle that is being waged in the Spiritual World....the Evil One is sucking them dry...and the wrestling is continual...I had the same look too...I weighed 98 lbs and dropped in to size 0 clothes.  It is part of the addiction and the battle.

Pray hard that the evil one will release her from his grip.

Shepherdess