in crisis

Coping Mechanism is what she does to deal with the situation... her thought process, her actions and her ability to carry on without getting ill and stay within the boundaries that she sets as right and good. It can be her strength and willingness to fight for what she believes to be true.  It can be those things she does to keep herself from falling in to depression...as simple as eating well, exercising, being able to be flexible and compromise.

She doesn't have these at all, otherwise she would be setting her pride aside and coming home or at least getting out of the OM's house.

She is not thinking straight or responding with comprehension, which says to me that she is not coping within the real world...she living within the fantasy that she has created through her justifications and rational-lies.   She has become zombie -like because if she doesn't let anyone in or the WORDS in ...she doesn't have to deal with them.  Complete avoidance and denial is the number one sign that someone's coping mechanism is shutting down.  A zombie like state...going through the motions is yet another.

Maybe the dinner with her friend...may have been the angel that God sent to plant the seeds that will open her eyes...

I am here if you need...

Shepherdess
  

Ok I got it....Well then your right, the coping mechanism is disengaged.

I guess we'll have to see how this week plays out with all the events happening.

MLBHOME

I just want to make sure that you are prepared for the reaction she will have after she receives the papers.  It will go in one of two ways:

Reaction #1: She will all of sudden spring forth out of her zombie -like state with an anger that is only befitting of the MLC Monster.  She will be so angry that the way she will act and what she will say will be nothing like the poison that you have ever heard before. IF...and I mean IF, the OM doesn't dump her because he doesn't want to be named in a divorce proceeding and they team up to fight you on this...well, the anger will grow...she will dig in with the OM as her comrade at arms  Even if OM dumps her she could choose anger as her way of dealing with all of this..  ANGER/FURY is reaction #1. Wife declares WAR!  (Andystillhoping had this one happen to him)

Reaction #2: OM receives paperwork and immediately cuts off all ties with W...in fact, he insists that she leave as soon as possible. He DUMPS her because this is no longer fun and games anymore.  Your W in shock is thrown in to a more zombie-like state because she couldn't deal with what she had to do before, but now that reality is slapping her AND the OM in the face and OM is not willing to team up to fight for those precious moments together...she will go further in to a depression.  CRASH/BURN is very possible and reaction #2.  Wife falls apart in to tiny little pieces...may not come home and decides to fall apart alone because her pride won't let her ask to come home OR she breaks and asks to come home.  Wife can still declare war in this reaction also, but may not be long lived.

Be prepared for anything...Pray hard...placing it all in God's hands.

Shepherdess

PS This friend she went out to dinner with...is this someone you could call and get a feel for how she is doing and what she is thinking.  My concern here is  she is wearing one mask with you, the kids and the family and completely different one for everyone else....this is part of the MLC also....an almost schizophrenic behavior. 

I get the picture.
 
The friend she went out with I am going to try and contact her this evening and see what's up. I agree she is presenting two fronts to this, as I said my BIL said there are 2 people in there. The rest of the family agrees.
 
On your reactions....I wish I could get a feel for what she may do. Before all this I would make a guess and I would be right 9 times out of 10, but now it's a crap shoot.
 
When I busted her 5 weeks ago for keeping contact with OM I saw the anger of the MLC monster. Never in 30 years of knowing her has she ever been like that. From what I understand about OM, I can't see him standing by her, emotionally or especially financhialy. He may be thinking that this is her battle, but when he is named in it and supenaed I think he will bail. He has no obligation to her, what could he care. He doesn't even give up his golf game, and he is going to put his meager lot in life on the line??? Common sense would tell me no, but hell there hasn't been any common sense this started.
 
Reaction 2#....I think this is more in line with HIS reaction, cut and run, let me know how it goes, or may be you need to go back to your family now. From his stand point he has no meaningful reputation to protect, he would be thinking strictly from a money ( which he has none) standpoint, or is all this hassle worth it. I mean he can live his life chasing somebody else with out the legal hassles. Her reaction
in both cases I think will be denial of my version, until he cuts her loose.
 
In any case she is going to be angry, but I think the wild card here is that the tension and strife this will cause between them. I mean I have met this idiot several times, and will he sit her down and say "honey I love you and we will fight for our life together againest your children"....nope. To me the key as my lawyer and I have discussed is turning the screws on him, create the image of his culpability in this. As my BIL said, "in a deposition you can ask anything you want as he'll be under oath". And she created the reason for the deposition by lying to her lawyer in blaming me for the marital break-up. She said it's this, I say that way, well how do we get to the bottom of it??, my client said they have a relationship, let's find out..get him in here!. She handed him to me.
 
She'll be mad as I'm "meddling" in her life, she thinks I'm her father, I should shut up and take the blame and spare the kids so it's easy on everyone ( it's the kids who want the truth out), and probably ten other reasons all of them having her avoid responsibitiy,  and the truth.
 
Plus she likes her money, when she sees that I will not give her a pot to pi$$ in, that will be her issue too.
 
I didn't want this, it's coming, just going to get in the foxhole and humker down.
 
 
MLBHOME

quickie update, another VB game, no conversations. D went to get something to eat with her, and when she got dropped off more wife crying, saying she didn't want to leave. D told her after she got out, you can change that whenever you want.

Son got 3 texts and a crying voice mail today from W. He didn't respond. However after W dropped D off she has 40 min drive back to paradise and son got another crying voicemail, saying she missed him very much, and just wanted to talk to him.. He responded with " I have recieved your messages and I'm too angry at you for what you have done to talk, please stop sending messages"

My lawyer out of office today back tomorrow, so I'll get up date from him on my filing tomorrow.

So....MIL has surgery tomorrow, but FIL will not speak to wife for updates on MIL condition, I think ESIL will let her know how things go.....I think.

And so it continues....MLBHOME

Your wife has GOT to be the most stubborn woman on earth...it just can't be that this guy is that funny or makes her that happy.  It has got to be pure pride and stubbornness...both sins that God abhors...That is the specific prayers that need to be said now...for her to be released from her pride and stubbornness.  This is my prayer tonight.  

Shepherdess

Yes...I told you she was pigheaded. Remember that analogy of your daughter being a mule that sat down and won't move....that's her.

She would rather fight the war then admit the mistake. But she has allot to accept for all this...if she does.

yup it's very frustrating.

Thanks for the prayers keep them coming,

MLBhome

On the way to school this morning the D said that about an hour of the W is all she can take anymore. I said why did you go last night, "to get it over with" she said.

D also said that w only recognizes things superficialy, not what's going on underneath. She also said the she feels the W may be recognizing "that her shiney penny isn't that shiney anymore". That was in the car at 6:30am, I wish my brain functioned like that at 4pm.

MIL out of surgery doing well, and I was right ESIL is letting wife know updates as FIL will not speak to her. But he did call me!. So w texted me to let me know that ESIL let her know MIL was ok, I sent back, "thanks, just spoke with your dad"

And so it goes

MLBHOME

"Thanks. Just spoke with your dad." Ouch. That's what you call a crushing right, MLB. I'm glad your mother-in-law is doing okay. It's a pity your wife is so stupidly stubborn that she'd rather stick to her doomed game plan than be there for her elderly mom and reconcile with her elderly father. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Yup, I hope the the Almighty nothing befalls either one of them while all this is going on.

Thought I had to throw that in there just to let her know, I'm in the loop. Where have you been??

I was surprised she even texted me, as she must know that someone else would let me know...like her Dad. More craziness.

MLBHOME

Yup, I hope the the Almighty nothing befalls either one of them while all this is going on.Thought I had to throw that in there just to let her know, I'm in the loop. Where have you been??I was surprised she even texted me, as she must know that someone else would let me know...like her Dad. More craziness.MLBHOME

-mlbhome

She's in denial...she doesn't remember that you weren't the one that was ostracized from the family. 

I think your response was just fine in light of what is going on AND her present state of mind.  It is like saying "Yeah, I know your Mom is okay ...I am still speaking to Dad because I am not the one that left." 

 It is all craziness...it is just more proof that she is not using a full deck.  There is no need to spare her feelings in this...hopefully something will cut through the MLC fog and get through.  

What makes your D think that your W's "shiny penny isn't that shiny anymore"?

Please refer to photo above.

Shepherdess

You know she didn't say , and at 6:30 this morning I wasn't functioning enough to catch on.

Unless W is talking to D and D has been sworn to secrecy??? W trying feel out through D about life at home, possibly??

D gets a little annouyed if I ask too much so I pick and choose times to ask things. Sometimes she volunteers things, and we'll talk, but otherwise I pick and choose times to ask. I did ask this morning if W has ever said anything about the divorce and she said no, not a word. She did say w said she "didn't want to leave last night," and I said "leave you?"...and D said.. "that" and "she just didn't want to leave".
D said she was crying pretty bad...when D handed her bag of mail, ( I had hung it on the front door) D said she was very upset, D told her" you can change it", then on way home W called our son and left the crying voicemail, which he responded, to with "leave me alone" basicly.

So i don't know, if W is saying more to her to perhaps feel things out thru her, or what. And I was right, I spoke to my ESIL a short time ago, and FIL will not talk to W, so ESIL is the go between, and ESIL is keeping conversations to just exchanges about MIL, as she feels that's today's focus not W issues.

DENIAL is the word.......PRIDE is another, ....but as you said Shepherdess, this stuff changes by the hour

MLBHOME

basil, do you think it was a right hand.....it probably would have been more effective if she remembered she has a father, or what he meant to her.

I think the boy nailed her last nite with the "I got your messages don't bother me anymore," but in her state she probably thought it was a joke.

I can only imagine that if or when this wall of denial let's go, what the flood of emotion will be.

My daughter with the "shiney penny not so shiney anymore", I wonder if W isn't talking to her and daughter frustration level raising as W won't act. That statement has me puzzled, as I didn't ask her anything direct about W......perhaps things are not as bliss as we are led to believe

MLBHOME

just spoke with attorney and my counterclaim was filed on friday, and and we are alleging adultery ( well alleged is beside the point) and the claim was faxed to her attorney also. My guy is a little bewildered as he has left several messages for the opposing counsel and has not gotten a call, back. Neither has he heard from them in response to my counter claim.

He said it has no bearing on us, but usually opposing counsel will try to get somethings settled before the TRO hearing just to expedite things.

He asked if my W has said anything to me, and I said not a word. He said Hmmmmm

MLBHOME

Is there really an attorney or did she file through lawyers.com?  I am not meaning to be flippant here...but the fact that your BIL or your Lawyer said it looked like they used a template or form to file...made a flag pop for me...that since she didn't have the money maybe she filed using an on-line program or going to the bookstore and getting a template with directions and then paid a lawyer to sign it off...that is all.  You did say the lawyer wasn't even from your area...Correct?  What about the portion that names the OM...or is that all in the one filing?

This is very interesting...maybe BIL needs to get on the phone and get to the bottom of all of this.

This is very strange...

Shepherdess

Om not on this filing by name , but my lawyer said we did not want to come off as trying to crucify her in the filing. The grounds are for "adultry with known individual". Plus at this point from the court prospective we are claiming adultry, but have to "prove" to the court, right now it's alleged. He said in proving it to the court, oh yes the name will be out all over the place, and we will bring pepole to back it up. 

He said his name will come out in the hearing on Tuesday, as he expects her to say the aldultry never occurred, in which case we bust out with all the info I sent him. He feels the effect will be more dramatic on her if it is in the court under oath, rather then let her think about what to do about it if she knew about it now.

When my BIL spoke to her at length last Saturday, he spoke to her about the legal stuff and she said nothing about hearing from her lawyer. My understanding is that her attorney is to notify her that the counter suit has been filed and supply her a copy. None of us knows if that has happened. You would think that if it did she would have at least mentioned it???

You would think that she would have told someone by now, don't you think. Like oh, here is the counter and it says this???? Or tell me ..I got your counter-suit???

So either she doesn't have it, or did get it and is denying it???? I mean it went in the denial pile.??

The filing is not a horrible description, as my guy said  we will get into that, it's best to do that for more effect in front of the judge, then she can't BS her way out. We then can say to help get to the bottom of this we need to depose OM, and this person, and this person....and so, on as he put in there ( in the legal lingo) we will conduct discovery as required of person(s) with direct knowledge of the supporttive facts of the counter claim of adultry as stated in this petition.

So I told him I was expecting a little more meat in it, and he asked "do I tell you your job?"  I said "no"

He said let's play it this way, it's best to put her on the spot in front of the judge. and not to let them know ..how much we know, or are willing to do...just yet.....I said ok.

So, Shep I don't know what she is doing. Before all this ..she was not stupid. She had critical thinking skills, but now...who knows.

I mean if she has this could she be so far out there that she ...just denies that it exists???

MLBHOME

I just don't know MLB...I just don't know.  I can't read anything about what she is doing at all.  I mean she surprised me with the divorce paperwork.  Who's to say that the way she is appearing is all an act and that she does have a grip on some things...that she has been advised to keep everything close to the vest and not say anything to anyone....even your D and any relatives.  She knows that everyone is on your side...not hers...so, she has been advised to say little to anyone so YOU will not be aware of their approach.  The fact that her lawyer hasn't acknowledged receipt of the counter is sort of suspicious....it really doesn't matter as long as you are prepared and ready for the court appearance next week.  

I just sit here shaking my head at all of this...I am sure you are doing the same.  I guess time and patience is what is in order...but hard to acquire at this time.  You will know all in time....she will not be able to avoid this for too much longer, if that is what she is doing.

Shepherdess   

PS again my only suggestion is to have your BIL call her to see if she has received it and if indeed she has thrown it on the denial pile.  Since the lawyers approach is different then what you thought...no one is going to be upset or scared until the day of the court hearing...she may not say a thing to the OM for fear he will kick her to the curb...or at  least not tell him about the adultery stuff.  You may be right ...she may be in denial to keep things as they are...Prepare for the worst and hope for the best!...I know these words won't help you sleep at night.

just spoke to my BIL on the way home. He again told me that he told her that her legal position was not good for jt custody due to her behavior, and decisions, which he listed to her. She was not concerned.

He told me her response to all of it was " you don't understand," and /or "I'm happy where I am"

He told her the court doesn't care about that they only care about what's best for the child.

She kept arguing about how she's "happy" "he makes me laugh", and he told her , the court does not care.!! "They will use the legal definition of mother, and you failed it, and continue to fail it, and have done nothing to rectify it." She said, "you just don't understand." He wanted to hit her thru the phone.

He told me MLB, I tried and she is not getting it. All I got was "you don't understand, and "I'm happy where I am." He said it is like it is all scripted, it's the same word's those two phrases. If he challenged her on ok, what makes you happy about this guy..."he makes me laugh"....He said again there are 2 distinct people in there. He told me he agreed with my lawyers approach as she is going to get hit with the real truth, and the "you don't understand, or "I'm happy" is not going to fly with the judge. 

He said if her lawyer has not notified her, that's bad. BIL said in no way has her attorney prepared her for what's coming.

He said she is in the fantasy deep, very deep. He has tried 3 times to contact her since Saturday, with no response.

What a mess. And daughetr clarified her shiney statement this morning as W thinks "her penny is shiner than it is".  So .. sorry it was early.

It's just plain denial. It's not what she wants there for it doesn't exist. If there is a crash, it's going to be ugly.

I am unsure if during this journey over the past few weeks if you ever took a look in to the psychology of denial...so I looked in to it for you.  What I found is exactly how you are describing your wife....and it has a name..."Borderline personality disorder" or BPD.  

I sat and read these description with my jaw hanging open, because this is exactly what I have been reading in your wife's story and other's here at the forum, except for maybe the self-mutilation/cutting stuff.  I am going to post the information here on a another thread...but please go take a look at these two links.  Your wife needs help...and it she won't be getting it in the courts...this may be a mental health issue. Have you ever discussed to component to your lawyer or your BIL?  Is there a chance that you could insist that she be psychologically evaluated?  Just a thought...if you even want to go there at this point.

Shepherdess

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