in crisis

You haven't failed. Would you consider a fire department a failure for rescuing two children from a burning house seconds before it collapses on itself? What more could you have done? You couldn't will your wife into making the right decision, any more than you could will the ocean tides from flowing. Of course you're mentally exhausted; that's why I cautioned you against obsessing about what the wife's lawyer is going to do. My point is: you're paying your lawyer to worry for you. Let him do his job. You need to let your brain recharge. Can you take a few days off work? If so, I'd take 'em! I'd get my butt on a boat somewhere and go fishing. Your attorney has plainly told you that you did good, protected what needed to be protected and actually showed restraint. That's a victory in my book.

I got those same hateful looks from my own ex-wife. God, she was LIVID with me. But she was really full of hate for herself and for her helplessness and emotional misery. As nutty as this is going to sound, it's the truth: don't take those nasty looks personally. She really doesn't know what in the world to do, MLB. Right now, she's existing on pure emotion.

No one knows where this is going to end. No one knows what's going to happen to your wife. No one! But YOU have control of YOUR fate, your destiny. You've done very, very well, MLB; you've shown yourself to be a noble and caring husband and father. You've taken some tremendous hits, but look at you, staggered but still standing - with your children sheltered behind you. If that's a defeat, call me a loser any day of the week.    

Like I said, hard to "up" all the time. I'm usually pretty good in a crisis, just not my own. right about the fates, I control mine and 2 others, so those I can worry about.

I am letting my guy handle that end of this, and I really like him. Our state is very pro "what's in the best interest of the child", and he said I'm good there.

My brain is mush. And yes a trip would be nice, me and the kids are doing the annual Fla. trip for Thanksgiving, and this weekend my D and I are meeting my son at his school to watch the women's VB team play. D is pretty excited about that.

You mentioned earlier that your x-wife may be coming out of the swamp??

My ex is de-swamping only to the extent that she's acknowledging the damage her actions inflicted on our son. She's remorseful about it, and worried that our kid will never respect her again. She has very good reason to be concerned.

You know how the MLC wife will rewrite the marriage history to justify her actions? Well, my ex is now re-writing her relationship with the bag of pus. "I never loved him!" she yelped at me a few weeks ago when I made a reference to her repeatedly (right after I confirmed their affair) telling me that she loved him - had "opened my heart to him and I can't just close it. My heart doesn't belong here with you anymore; it belongs with him." Now that the SOB used her and tossed her to the curb after helping wreck my family, she's embarrassed. Ashamed. Humiliated. Can't admit that she thought she was 'in lurrrvvvvvv" with such a jackal.

So I'm still not dealing with reality here, MLB. Or at least she isn't. But at least she finally remembered she had a child.

Well I guess that's something. I sent the "I want a divorce" email that my W denies writing to mt attny today. Came back from VB game W was there didnt acknowlege her, and daughter gave her 30 mins, to get something to eat as game was late and she has hmwk. this is truly an affliction. So much wasted. It's a pestilence. Today was a quiet day nothing nutty happened. Is your boy doing better in school now?? I think my D uses school as an escape, you know it keeps her mind occupied and off this garbage, plus all her friends are there. My only hang up with her is that since W has been gone, she now never makes her bed, or puts her clothes away. I thought her brother was a slob, at least he took the effort to hide crap, she just let's it lay there. And you know, it doesn't bother me a bit.

Daughter spent about an hour with W last night, spoke some of the situation with her, all she got from her mom was "you don't understand."
 
She did tell D that OM is going out of town Thurs-Sunday on golf trip w/ buddies. W told D they could spend time together, D told her that she was busy with activities w/ me and her brother, and friends, through out the weekend and didn't see an oppurtunity for them to get together. She said W got silent and stared off into space.
 
D told her, that she was going to live her life and not change her plans based on what OM does or doesn't do or what she does.
 
D did tell me that she came away from the conversation as that W doesn't grasp or have understanding of what's going on. Meaning, "Dad, I really don't think she understands what is happening around her. Not that she doesn't know whats happening, but doesn't understand it." D said, "like the divorce filing she said nothing about it, and you would have thought she would have asked me my feelings, she didn't. No word about it at all. For all I knew she could think it doesn't exist anymore, or certainly doesn't understand what it means."
 
just some small news.
 
MLBHOME
 
 

MLB, is your wife seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? I hope so, because such help would seem very much needed. No offense, but she sounds like she's on drugs. Could she be self-medicating? That was one of my ex's little tricks - loaded up on all sorts of anti-depressants that her haridan of a big sister got for her through her job as a psychiatric nurse, and then drank wine all night, every night. She was like a frigging zombie there at the end. 

You asked about my son. Yes, he's doing much better in school. Last year was almost a total loss for the poor kid. He had to go to summer school because his grades were so bad. But this semester, he's actually self-starting - does his homework without being told to. He's getting very good grades. And he's gone from slob boy to a young teen who brushes his teeth and showers on his accord. Amazing! I was very worried about him, and the group of kids he assembled around him after his mother pulled her crap. But he's rallied quite nicely. I still have him in therapy, but his counselor told me just last night (Tuesday is Therapy Night) that in four or six more weeks, the kid should be ready to 'graduate." The boy has ditched the problem kids and reformed his bonds with the kids he ran around with prior to my ex's explosion. He seems adjusted and calm. I asked him about that, and he replied: "I don't feel so isolated any more."

MLBHome:

I think that Basil maybe on to something there about the self-medicating thing.  She sounds zombie like...the kind of way a person gets when taking too much anxiety medication or even illegal drugs.  Does the Car Parker have a history of drug abuse...pot or cocaine use? Could she be drinking or mixing?  If there is no medication or alcohol use...then I would be VERY concerned about this zombie like state...without medication....this says she is in an extreme mental state and would need help immediately.   

Your wife isn't going to a counselor AND she needs to be...even if it is to just deal with her transition in to single life.  All the more reason for an Intervention.  Are you going to a counselor?  You also need to be...along with your daughter and son.  They need to have a neutral third party who doesn't know you, their mother to talk to about all of this and how they are to deal with it.  Your daughter's VB Coach is NOT enough for her....I am afraid. 

This weekend is an opportunity for God to work OR she will go further over the deep end...it maybe a good thing that your daughter is not changing a thing to accommodate your wife and the fact that OM is out of town...interesting again that OM's routine doesn't change. But at the same time I am also concerned about your D's last visit with her...being alone may not be a good thing.  

It is ALL very mysterious...unnatural and leaning toward the fact  that she is not using a full deck right now....and is in the midst of the Crash and Burn.  Those who are in the stage do act Zombie like...numb to the world....they have to shut off the world because everything hurts at this point....Literally everything hurts...their body hurts, their brain hurts...their emotions hurt...Every one of their senses are over-stimulated ...every nerve in their body is on hyper-drive to the point that they short-out...which leaves you in a zombie state.  What you are seeing is just like a computer hard drive crashing...her screen is freezing and then it kicks back for a time, until too much information or software in her system is running...then it freezes again....eventually she WILL crash.  

The question is...what do you do in the meantime?  What is God telling you?

Shepherdess

PS Three Articles your D should give your W to contemplate this weekend:

Regret City
The Awakening
Control Article

I will be at FB Chat, if you need.

To the best of my knowledge no on the drugs. She likes her wine, 1/2 to 1 glass at home after work, more then that she falls asleep.

This was before all this started. However in her defense when she came home after the first leaving I did not see anymore wine drinking than normal, and I did check her purse and things for any suspect things and found none.

She does not exhibit any slurred speech, eye redness, pupil dilation, lack of coordination or anything that would lead me to believe she was taking something. I have searched the truck as of last Friday, (I took the garage door opener) and saw nothing. In July as part of the pre-hire screening for her present job they did a drug test and found nothing.

What's your thought on OM going out of town for long weekend to golf?. She told me that they were going to go places together and such, he must have forgot she was there. Apparently this is the second long weekend out of town, and according to my spies where he works he keeps his drink appts. with the boys almost every night after work, w/o her.

Glad your son pulled himself out of the pit. he sounds like he is facing this challehge head on, and very good he dumped the bad friends. I'm blessed both kids are surrounded by good friends and parents that they grew up with, and all have been very sympathic to me, and have offered to help with rides, dinners whatever. They are cordial to my wife at the games but they noticably keep their distance.

MLBHOME

I find it very strange that she is NOT going along on the Golf Weekend OR that she isn't invited to his after work drinks.  They are certainly not acting like long lost lovers who are finally together at last! ...now, are they?  It sounds like they are living two separate lives and they get together at the apartment.  It is almost like she is JUST living there...that nothing is really going on or that it isn't as intense as before...Maybe OM is moving on and your wife hasn't caught on yet.  Is she not going with him because she can't get the time off from work?  Was she even invited along?  Any way you look at it the luster of the shiny affair is rubbing off and reality of REAL life is setting in...BUT...is she awake enough to get this fact.  It does seem that it doesn't quite matter to OM...he will go golf with her OR without her...life marches on for him...he isn't having his life fall down around him...she is!

Shepherdess

Your wife's soul mate is behaving exactly to prediction: he hasn't changed a thing about his 'lifestyle." Your spouse has to feel like a complete tool. But remember: she's in too deep, taken this too far, to admit the obvious: that she has chosen a selfish, child-like user over everything else...including the respect of her own children. Instead of backing out of the minefield, she's plodding deeper into it. Is it pride that prompts this sort of behavior? Stubborness? Mental illness? I can't answer that, MLB, and neither can you. But her kids have turned on her, and her mom and dad have written her off. She's stuck herself with a beer buddy who doesn't apparently need or want a new buddy. AND she's contending with all her internal anguish and pain.

This is strictly my layman's opinion, so take it for what it's worth: keep as close a tab on her as you can in the coming days. With your son coming home and not wanting to have anything to do with her and the idiot other 'man' gone all weekend, your wife is probably going to be hit with an intense and fresh wave of despair and depression. She seems to be approaching a crescendo of mental agony. I'm not saying that any of this is your fault, or that it's your job to fix her, but something tells me she's very close to smashing into the bottom of the canyon. Do you have a mutual friend who could check in on her WITHOUT trying to engage her in conversation about the obvious (her leaving the family to live with an idiot)? I'm all about putting the screws to the unremorseful MLC woman - but your wife really doesn't appear to me to be unremorseful or arrogant; she seems totally helpless and out of control of her thoughts and emotions. If someone could check in with her, if only to let her know that she's a human being in someone's thoughts, it might do everybody some good.

Just a suggestion.  

I AGREE WITH BASIL!

Shepherdess

I know she can't get off work, she has not been there long enough, and D has VB game friday night and if W blew that off to go w OM, D would be completely done.

Was she invited, to go with the boys, I doubht it. She's not a big golf fan, she never understood why I played it.

He's going tomorrow which is his normal day off, and he took Friday and saturday off, and she has to work tomorrow and friday.

Is the luster wearing off, I don't know. Our son's birthday is Tuesday and we would normally have celebrated it this Sunday, I mean the 3 of us will, but she won't be there. He told me he didn't care if it was his birthday he's not seeing her.

Is she in the process of "crashing"??, since this is my first rodeo with this I don't know. I can only tell you what we see, and what she says, and the circumstances of the situation and go with both of your opinions which appear to be the same.

What should I do in the meantime??? I don't know should I be doing something?? I will take Basil's advice and contact a mutual friend to check on her by text. Where W is staying is 35-40 minute drive away from us. I know the city but not the exact location. Strangely enough my son will be in that city saturday watching a band competition.

I don't think she'll hurt herself......but with whole mess I can't tell anything for sure. For sure I know he's gone for 3-4 days and she's here. I know she doesn't go see him at the former dealership as my spies are on the look out for that and they have not seen her.

So that's what I've got. I would figure if she gets worse and emotions start to come loose she would call D first. But I guess we'll see.

I'm not going soft on you, MLB. My gut is just telling me that you've reached the point where caution should be exercised with her.

Sadly, but maybe not so sadly, the vast majority of us don't get a rulebook on this - as it's our first (and I hope to God LAST!!!) experience with a wife in Mid Life Crisis. (Onholdz is the only fellow I know of who's been treated to two spins on the cyclone.) So I can only go with my instincts - and my third-party insight. Shoot, for all I know, she could be playing the drama queen solely to elicit the precise thing that's stirring in me: pity. It's impossible to say. Just better to be safe than sorry. At least for the weekend, which I'm sure will be excruciating for her - AND YOU.

Basil, Shep,

There must have been something in my 2 or 3 previous posts that have perked your ears??? What is it that you see, or are hearing??

Basil for you to go soft has me uneasy?? What is it that has you ...really changing your prospective??

I am sensing some urgency in both your responses.

Add to the pot that her second Texas Uncle is going to her work tomorrow to take her to lunch and he said he is not taking no for an answer, and he won't either. He is going to try and present himself and her aunt as a sensitive ear.

I feel you two want me to be looking for something but I don't know what.
I have two college degrees but I getting kinda lost here......niether in psychology.

MLBHOME

I believe that our concern is this zombie like state she is in....there is extreme avoidance and denial going on here.  There is one of two things going on...she is either extremely high on drugs that she has gotten to help with depression and anxiety or illegal drugs....OR...her zombie-like behavior and avoidance/denial is the result of a severe mental breakdown.

The fact that your daughter sensed a change and your wife was unable to keep the "I am going to do this NO MATTER WHAT" face is cause for worry.  Some type of emotion...anger, frustration, content, peace...something...anything....means that she at least she has one foot or her toes in reality....No emotion can either mean: giving up or letting go of the fight.  Letting go of the fight means that she is accepting her present circumstances and is willing to move forward from this point...giving up is turning inward from this point forward and refusing to deal with the fight or the reality of what is happening.  To me it sounds like she has lost all her ability to cope, plus she has no one to turn to even if she did want help.  Her stubbornness and pride is getting in the way of her doing the right thing. No emotion at all is a Red Flag...BUT no one see the way she is with the OM...is there anyone at her present work that you can ask how she is doing?

Hopefully the Uncle will be able to get some answers?  My gut keeps saying that she needs to get pulled out of the OM house, get to counseling and mend fences with her family...I really don't think she is doing this because of the OM any more it is her pride and stubbornness...her wanting to prove a point and not having to say that she was wrong. 

Internal struggle...wrestling the devil...it is awful...tiring...it must be very hard to handle alone.

Shepherdess

I'll have to ask you to bear with me, MLB. I'm not hinting at anything. I don't have an answer. Believe me; If I did, I'd give it to you immediately. I would never play games with this, or with you. It's just that my intuition is telling me that your wife - for the time being - is about to snap in so many pieces that she'll never be whole again. Frankly, I AM worried that the woman is going to hurt herself.

I actually did ease off my ex-wife, after I saw a look in her eyes that really alarmed me. I may have mentioned this in other posts, but the expression I saw was equal parts gravely wounded animal, enraged wolverine and lost little girl. She laid it on me when I had to come into my ex-house to retrieve a piece of property. That week, I'd blistered her with an especially vicious series of texts, emails and phone conversations. And the product of that righteous bombast was curled up on the sofa when I walked into the living room.

She deserved every thing I'd flung at her, make no mistake about that. But when I saw here there, peering up at me, my fury dissolved. I don't know if it was a sign from God, or just a moment of softness, but something told me: "Lay off her. She's going to try and kill herself if you don't call off your dogs of war." And I did. Our relationship was dead by this point, and we both knew it. But on a purely human level, I couldn't continue to counter-punch. The sneering, arrogant teenaged 43-year-old from six months before was now just a helpless, 88-pound middle-aged woman who had an empty bank account and a son who thought her a demented slut. Stomping on a nest of week-old bunnies would have been more sporting than continuing to verbally lash her.

Yeah, man, I went soft on her. And I've maintained that approach to her ever since.

I'm not suggesting that a similar approach would benefit your wife, you or your children. Your spouse is still living with her boyfriend, for God's sake! She just filed for divorce against you. She's deep in denial.

But what I AM suggesting is that I sense that your entire family would benefit from a temporary ceasefire. Her bag of pus is gone for a long weekend, and she's alone. Let her focus her negative energy on the idiot - rather than you. Please follow through on your plan to have someone check on her. Remind her that there's love and concern for her out there in her old world. And that her new world is teeing off with his buddies - and quite possibly a fresh new married woman.

Basil Duke   

I must agree with Basil...especially his last paragraph.

Shep

Ok I got it. I have not been in contact with her since last friday, and as far as I know her folks last spoke to her Monday. Her 2 sisters are done with her. My D only saw her for 30-45 mins yesterday the first since Saturday.

So I have no plans to speak to her, my D is busy tomorrow HS football game we are going to, Friday is VB and a friend of her coming to stay the night, D , myself and 2 of her friends are going to son's college to watch women VB team, and sunday she will be doing hmwk, so from our end it should be very quiet for her.

I will get hold of a girlfiend of hers to check on her thru out the weekend. Thanks for the "gut feelings"
and the heads up. If her uncle reports to me I'll let you know

MLBHOME

As far as anyone she works with at her present job I know no one. She did tell D last week, and to me last Friday that the dealership was creating a new position for her in a different dept. to keep her full time, and not have her leave over going part-time. She told me that they like her very much. That's not surprising she has her Dad's work ethic, and loves dealing with people. So at work I assume she is busy enough to divert her attention from the turmoil, or she hides it well enough that no one notices, I mean they all met her as all this was going on so her a little whacky they would assume is normal.

She has done something odd. The last 2 days she has called the house to get recipes to give to a girl she works with. I aked D" why is she calling the house, why not your cell.?" D said W said she called D cell but D did not answer so she called the house. I said she needed that info right this minute?? D just shrugged. We have caller Id so she knew I wouldn't answer it, or thought I wouldn't answer it.

I only mention this as this is how she started contacting me the last time, to come to the house to get "a recipe". I don't know........what an anaylazation, huh!!

Heard nothing from family so I assume alls quiet. Gruff Texas uncle going to try and have lunch with her today, gruff, but he thinks the world of her.

I work with kids and I was just working with a child and I had "The Muppet Xmas Carol" on the video, and at Xmas at her parents house in Ohio, my wife would sit and watch it with the smaller kids every Xmas.

I thought, I wonder if she thought about how she won't be doing that this year.

MLBHOME