in crisis

 Update, had a great consult call with Shep, last night, thanks much.W called younger sister last night ( as she said she would, surprise) and long story short said she was happy in the one bdrm, apartment with OM. W said no one sees how happy she is because if we did then we would understand.SIL tried all the usual rebuttals, but W just said she was sorry and that she was happy. SIL asked so what is living there with him that makes you so happy to throw away everything. No answer. SIL asked, what have you two done together ( travel, whatever) that makes it so happy there. No answer.Basicly, SIL asked what is it about this situation that makes you so happy, that it is worth losing marriage, kids, and family, friends over??..No answer, just that she was sorry for way things are turning out, and hopes that everyone will forgive her. SIL told her, "no one in this family will forgive you, no one. No one will have anything to do with you, while your with him, MLB and kids are our priority." W said I know I'm giving up my home and husband who loves me, but not the kids." SIL reminded her that our son will not speak to her, and D is just about there. W had no response except to say, "you don't understand". SIL said she was gonna throw up if she hears that excuse anymore.So I have no gotten the "I'm so happy where I am". speech. Then W complained about the drive to see D, (35min one-way) and that she has no $$ to get her own place. SIL said if you get a divorce how are you gonna pay for it, and if MLB get's custody you will be paying child support, and your job is going part-time in 2 weeks, what then. No answer, just "you don't understand". So I sent W a few texts saying, "I understand that you are happy in you situation. That being the case I would ask you to go on and get ur divorce since you have no shame in being a married mother of 2 living with a single man who u are openly having an affair with in front of your children, I would tell you to pay the expenses you owe me as I am a single parent and will not support you, and also that you thru ur behavior and choices have lost us 4good as your family. I would also ask that you remove your personnal thing from the house asap, so that we may begin to forget you."I didn't get a response. She is WAYYYYYY in Oz, also told SIL last she doesn't want a divorce....crazy, nutsMLBHOME

-mlbhome

Stand back and let ALL of this sink in!!!  

I wouldn't approach her this evening at the VB game.  

She is still in Oz La-La Land...all the "no answers" is the huge wall of denial that she has built up.  All the more reason to get her away from the "drug and out of the crack house".  She can't answer these questions because the answer is...I am happy because I am nearer to my fix here...if you saw me when I am here...you would see me fall back in relief when he comes homes just like a heroin addict does after shooting up."  What everyone sees when I am around you people is me in withdrawal...my need for the fix...that is why I cry...because I know what is right and what I need to do...but my need for this addiction is bigger...I can't help it...I am addicted to the emotional and physical rush that I get...I have to have it!  I am happy here because I am getting the fix and right now that is everything to me.


Look over the conversation your SIL had with her...Who does it sound like?  An addict...only addicts risk everything for the sake of getting the drug!

Does this sound like an intervention is needed?!!  

Shepherdess

I agree on the intervention....but...but how do we run it when she does not want to change??

She told her sister that "I have to want to change, and I don't wan to". Very much like a child I agree.

But she is 48 yrs old, and as we discussed our Aunt is willing to take charge but, if the W is in no way willing at this point...are we not doom to failure?? Or do we accept that and literally treat her like a detox patient.??

Just thinking out loud, and I know my family is on the line. I will do nothing for now, the weekend,

Do you think I hit too hard in the texts?? Probably not so smart for the "Truthseeker".

but I agree on the intervention....I guess I need some advice on timing. However knowing the "texas" relatives they can act somewhat rash at times.

i will speak more with our Aunt and uncle, and impress on him ...no pistols! Our Aunt did say she'll throw her in the trunk if needed, and I think she was serious

MLBHOME

Just a quick note.

I did see her for literally 10 sec after D VB game last night, just to remind her to pay me her expense money, she was talking with D, then I withdrew.

D and I met up in gym a little bit later ( W left as she has long drive back to the "pad") and D and W had a toe to toe confrontation after I left them.

Seems D balked at going out w/ W after VB game as D had to stay for varsity game, felt it would be too late, she was beat, she still was getting over a cold, and D had invited a friend to sleep over.

W was upset and asked about Saturday (today). D said that her brother was home and wanted to spend time with him, and the three of us had some errand running to do, and then we all were going to the HS football game tonight.

D said sunday was her homwk day. D said W became aggravated with her and told her she needed to plan her activities better so that she  (the W) knows how to plan HER time as it is a far drive to see her.

Apparently, with that D was off to the races. Some of the things she angrily pointed out to W was, 

"D didn't create this situation, D told her that W made all these choices that have split and hurt our family, that D was NOT going to accomodate W because W chose to have affair and live with Retard (D's word), she has not seen her brother in a week and she wants to see him because he comes alot further then W does to see her, She was NOT going to allow W to use W's guilt to manipulate her, D was NOT going to have W dictate to her how she was going to spend what little free time she has, and if W wants to see her ALL she wants, W needs to grow up, end this sh!t, and  do what is right, get out of that apt., get away from Retard and be her mother!!." W said that D always comes first, which D said like when you went to the B-day party with work friends and instead of coming to VB game?, like getting involved with Retard (her word) and leaving our family and all the people you hurt, no mom no one comes first but YOU!

D said at this W was VERY upset, crying, and said your Dad is telling you not to see me.
D said, that Dad has nothing to do with it, D said I'm 15 yrs old and you have put me in this situation and I'm mature enough to make these decisions as Dad tells me to do as I feel in dealing with you.
D also said, W needs to stop blaming me for the mess she's in, Dad didn't do anything YOU did.!

With that W left in tears, and some VB teammates saw confrontation and took D for walk outside for few minutes.

Whe she came back in to gym that's when she talked to me. D was still very angry, and said she's through putting up with her crap.

So we watched the Varsity VB play together with 3-4 teamates sitting with her, talking to her, and I thought I was proud of my little girl, and glad that she has the support and concern of some good friends.

So between me and the D, the W had a pretty full day of hearing reality. Spoke with one of her Texas uncles, and he is going to see wife next week.

MLB HOME

Say...nothing...let everything sink in...LET God WORK!!!

Sorry...I had to leave to run errands...I really didn't get to finish my thoughts.

The reason why I said what I said...is because I see something that is repeatedly being brought up to her.  It is the "You can run...but you can't hide from reality and truth syndrome."  First your SIL, then you text her...then your daughter gives it to her with all barrels....Remember when I told you how God pursued me...this is exactly what is happening with your W...God is pursuing her...He will not let up...for all you know there are others that are saying the same things...You don't know because it is God's plan.  

I believe what your Daughter said to her mother was exactly what she needed to hear...now her mother needs to sit and think about what she said.  

I am beginning to see God's hand in some of this..as long as we don't get in the way.  Listen for His urgings...if your gut is telling you not to do something...don't...if your gut is telling to do something and the words and actions come freely...this is God allowing it.  

If the Texas Uncles or Aunt's do something next week...fine...don't coach them...just let it happen.  PRAY!!! Pray hard that God is working and that HE will soften her heart and peel away the scales from her eyes...

Keep me up dated.

Shepherdess

my interaction with her at VB game was literally 15 sec. The texts....well I thought she needed to hear it, but there was some anger there.

The D confrontation I was in the other end of the gym, didn't know until D told me.

Her uncle is out of town and he said he would try to take her to lunch mid nxt week.

D did not see W tday opted to see her brother and we all went shopping, and then to football game.

I have no reson to communicate with her, D supposed to meet her for breakfast in morning and due HMWK all day.

I understand to stand back and let the Almighty at her, I feel he will fill me in on things at chruch in the morning.

Thanks

MLBHOME

Let me know what He tells you....

Good morning Shep,

My son and I just got back from church which was great as always. I always feel so much better coming out, just need to work harder on carrying that feeling through the week. 

D is with W now at breakfast. I guess that was negoiated last night as D got 2 voice mails from W yesterday and "forgot" to call her back till we got home from football game.

I understand what you are say, and will let God have some room. Yesterday was kind of a down day for me, but spent the day shopping with the kids and that was fun, and the ball game.

W did leave some baking for us when she p/u D.

I'll fill u in on anything earth shattering from W and D meeting.

MLBHOME

Well, VB was last night, not tonite.

Did not speak with wife, and daughter went home with me as she had school work, and just didn't feel like dealing with W and the drama.

W ignored me as I stood off to the side, but I kept looking her way. As she went out the door she stopped turned and made eye contact, quickly turned and started the lip quiver and went out the door.

D and I saw her in parking lot wiping the eyes. D said .."see I just didn't feel like dealing with that"

I understand the texas aunts or uncles are each going to try and see her this week sometime.

That's it from here, I'd love a trip to the pub Jack goes to.

MLBHOME

Just some little tid bits....

Had a VB game last night ( like when don't I) and after game W met D just out of the stands and I sat away till the stands cleared out. As I hit the floor W hugged D, and bolted to the door, no looking back or anything. Got to D and said, "she's not taking you to get something to eat"??, as it was fairly early. D said nope, "I told her I was tired, the game aggravated me, and I'm going home with Dad".

I just pointed out that she kinda "bolted" out of there, D said she mumbled something about not wanting to see me.

So I get a call from ESIL this morning saying W called her for the first time in 3 weeks. (Esil had left several messages).

Highlights include:

W still has huge wall of denial.
W said she was a "shell" for the entire 24 years of our marriage.
W said it's my fault she got "kicked" out of the house
It upsets her that her son will not speak to his mother,
She did say that if she (W) were me, she would not take me back if I had done all that she has done
Said she misses the kids,
And some other MLC jargon

ESIL , let her have it with both barrels, about no one created this situation but W. Her son does not speak to her because of all the lies she has told, he does not trust her, she treat us all like cr@p,
and he will not speak to her as long as she is w/ OM.

ESIL told her that the being a shell the last 24 yrs was a "bold face" lie that she ( ESIL) has seen us together since we were 17 and how could she even begin to even tell a lie like that let alone expect anyone to believe it. She ask W why did S**** kick you out, what was the reason?? No answer. ESIL told her the reason was she continued to lie about relationship w/ OM, and she can not be married, live in the house and carry on an affair! W starts to cry, and get angry. ESIL told her how can you expect to live in the house after you cheated, lied committed adultry, ask for forgiveness to only lie, and treat your husband who took you back as horribily as you treat him, and can't understand why your out of the house??

ESIL told W she needs to go to counseling, W angrily said she is fine. ESIL pointed out that there are over 30 family members who all agree that she needs counseling and help, wife angrily said I have friends that think what I'm doing is just fine. ESIL asked who are they???? Give their names and phone numbers and we, together can call to see if that's true. W got more angry, and said no.

The kicker is thyat MIL has been dx'ed with ovarian cyst yesterday, and will get further testing Monday to r/o cancer. ESIL told W that, which of course got W very upset, crying, and told wife now our mother may be in the fight of her life, and you think about what you have done this entire summer to them and your husband and kids. Look where you are at, look what you were. How you could have done this only you know, but the problem is with you, not any of us and you need to get into therapy and face what you have done, and hope our mother doesn't die with this still going on.

W was crying, and didn't want to hear it any more so ESIL hung up. W then called parents and MIL briefly spoke to her to confirm the cyst and what happens next, FIL refused to speak to her.

Sorry didn't mean for it to be that long. That's the highlights, there was more but, you get the picture.

MIL with that dx has me worried, and me and the kids are going to call tonight.

MLBHOME

He keeps on coming in with the truth....she is fighting and wrestling the denial fiercely....but then she is still under the influence of the OM...feeding the addiction.

Just want to bring this one point up....just because your MIL is possibly in a health crisis... is not a reason for anyone to bring down their guard in relation to your W....I mean, many times people will start enabling the people that rock the boat or cause trouble just so the person who is illness doesn't have to worry about the boat rocker. If your W upsets your MIL because of where she is and what she is doing then your W needs to do something about it AND she knows what she needs to do, even if it is just getting in to counseling and moving out of OM's apartment...ending the relationship completely.  Even these moves would help her move forward...if she remains with the OM she is definitely burning bridges.  

If this doesn't get the Texas Uncle's going...I don't know what else will...it seems to me that something needs to happen soon...she sounds like she is falling deeper and deeper in to denial.

Shepherdess

Hells bells, man - she's still smack in the middle of the swamp. Really, that load of BS she gave her sister is all you need to know. All the more reason for you to maintain your current strategy. Stand back, protect kids, protect MLB, let her whirl. She is obviously a woman whose mind is spinning 360. Not to make you any more blue, but you're aware that these mid-life deals can last years, right? I'm just saying...

I'm sorry about your mother-in-law, and hope the cyst proves benign. The stress she and your FIL are under sure isn't, though. I think about my own mom, and the effect this has had on her. My ex-wife hasn't spoken to her in over a year. No communication of any kind! The Big Cheese (my late father's pet name for my battle-axe of a mother) equates this to having a daughter die and not being allowed to attend the funeral. Or say goodbye. She simply vanished - there for 25  years and then "Poof!" Gone. I'll never be able to wrap my brain around that one. But I suppose the ex is so ashamed of herself and afraid of my mother's reaction that she would rather never talk to her again than risk her wrath.

Weird times, my man.

Basil Duke
St. Louis, MO
Moderator

My ESIL is the kind sister. When I talked to her this morning she was still fired up. W's other sister (Indiana) will not enable, doesn't even call her, only talks if W calls her.

ESIL ( some details I didn't type as not to make post long) said the denials, or W's realities seemed more
"desperate" like for 24 years W was a "shell"...I mean even W can t" expect anyone to believe it.

That her "will" is stronger than our son's as for his not talking to her. She said he'll breakdown before she will. He just told me Hell will freeze over first!

ESIL asked her causually ( before things got angry) just what her and the OM have been doing, she said nothing because they both work all day, and W drives to VB games, or to see D ( not that often besides VB games as D doesn't want to deal with her) and he does side jobs, golf, beer with the boys after work. ESIL said sounds like a life worth giving everything up for.

With that W told her sister that if she didn't have to work full-time it would be different. I was the one who made her work full-time, which is a lie. ESIL took off on that she related to W that when she quit last job to come home I..I told her NOT to go back to work. W INSISTED that she was going back to work as she was bored at home, wanted the $$, and was used to working, AND told sisters and parents that. Now she is saying that I made her!! ESIL also reminded her that she can work part-time at present job, and W said no that "we" meaning her, me and the kids need the $$. ESIL said look, how do you figure they need the $$ when "we"(the 3 of us) are just fine on my salary, and she hasn't even paid for a school picture?? Well she did pay me her cell phone bill.

Is she in deep denial, oh no doubt, she has been there all along. I think with her MIL condition the pressure will only be greater on W particularily that all the OM promises have not been happening, all the driving back and forth, ( she had a 1 hr. trip 1-way to VB game last nite) constant pressure from family, the lies are getting more bizzare and so on.

Also, my Indiana BIL, who was in Europe on business the last two weeks ( lucky b@st@rd) sent some texts to W with pictures from Germany, France and so on. He got back 2 texts from W that leads him to believe that W is miserable where she is. Now he's an attorney and he felt that they were sincere, but he didn't press. He is going to find them on his phone and forward to me.

Also again, we as a family every year go to MIL/FIL home in Fla. for a week at thanksgiving, us and YSIL (Indy) family. D asked W about this year and W ignored her. ESIL asked W last nite about it and she said she couldn't think that far ahead and she only has 5 days off a year, since she works full time.
ESIL told her that she spoke to our son who said "yea me, Dad and D are going", to which W....cried some more.

Lots going on behind the scenes....me I'm going about my business, VB game tonight, and a cold beer.

MLBHOME

Do you think this trip to Florida will change if your MIL's healths turn out to be something to worry about?  If not....then by all means GO to Florida with the kids.  Someone from the family needs to tell your W that she is welcome to come only if she comes alone...and that she realizes that you and the kids will be there. 

You, your kids and her family are being faithful to making sure she doesn't allow history to be written to her benefit...this will become very exhausting after a while...if it has already...this is why she resorts to crying when the truth gets to be too much.  

If your D is going to see her this weekend...print out the article I posted here today titled "Control".  If you don't want her to know about your posting here at WINMLC...copy and paste it in to Word and then print it.  Have your D give it to her...telling her that she found it and felt she needed to read it and answer the questions.   Just a suggestion...it might get her to slow down the spin and think, instead of just react.

Shepherdess

Yes I will do that with the article....thanks.

If it should turn out to be (God forbid) something more complicated, my MIL would have to be tied to the bed in order not to go. If she truly could not go, then we would still go and meet YSIL and family there as we always do.

My MIL tells me that due to the existing situation  she has told W that she is not welcome at Thanksgiving in Fla., OR at their home in Ohio for Xmas. Even if she is no longer with OM, I was told by MIL and FIL that they have told her last week that she must be in counseling and with us to come, they were adament about it.

Now will that hold....we'll see. For my FIL, yes that's the way it will be.
Another problem for wife is she has no time off from this job she just started 6 weeks ago. At previous job they liked her so much that they let her have whatever time off she wanted, albeit w/o pay. Well she messed that up so now she's stuck. These 2 trips for her to see her family were the highlights of her year...now...I don't know. But me and the kids are going!

She has really, if you think about it, completly wrecked what was her life. I don't think there is anything she has missed. If, God forbid it is something more complicated with MIL, and something....bad happens, my FIL will NEVER forgive her...ever for all this...never.

I think she has a ton on her plate, no supportive network like she had, only Retard, and what does he care about these people, right? Will it effect his golf game??? Probably not. Just going to let sink in for awhile, and go about my business.

MLBHOME

Good Plan!!

I have copy of article in my brief case. I would suspect W might have to think some this weekend, certainly nxt week.

Anything post worthy happens I'll let you know

Thanks

MLBHOME

I was served with divorce papers at my D VB game this evening. The server came to the house and  my son knowing what it was sent him to the school. He called me and I knew exactly what it was and as I was heading to the parking lot I saw W in stands and asked her if she filed for divorce. She said she didn't want to talk about it.

Went to the parking lot, wife right behind me, and got served. It was filed in court a week ago and the grounds for the action mention nothing of what she has done, eventhough she said she told attorney "everything". Without detail, the causes of the divorce is my fault, which also hurts.

I knew it could happen, but it still hurts. The reasons have no bearing on the truth, which hurts more.

She said she is not "in" love with me, but loves OM, is happy, and so on. She did not have the guts to tell D, so she just went in to say good-bye to her, and left me to tell her, which I did.

Her parents don't know, and I will not tell them, I told her to tell them.

D is ok as is son. Me .......I'll be ok, I told her the girl, women I knew died 2 years ago.

What a waste, the fight is over....Mlbhome

WoW!!!  I knew this could happen, but I didn't see this coming.  Especially since she had not mentioned anything to SIL's or BIL's.  

The truth of the matter MLBhome is...that fight isn't over yet...it actually has just begun.  Your battle plan included getting your wife to come home and salvage a marriage that you thought would be salvageable....still could be.  You said she was a stubborn sort...these divorce papers are calling your bluff! 

With  her serving divorce papers  she has declared war and when asked she will tell everyone that YOU told her to get the divorce papers...which, in reality, you did with a time limit that she didn't meet....but that detail is conveniently left out.  You should have made her tell your daughter...but in the end it will demonstrate to your girl what kind of person her mother really is capable of being and that you are the one that she can depend.  Fact is your wife is deep in to MLC La-la land...stubbornly standing at the door of the Emerald City with her arms crossed saying : "I'm happy here d@mn it! No one is going to force me to come home until I am good and ready...NO ONE, I tell you!  So, here take your divorce papers and be gone!"

You need to get in to your lawyer first thing Monday because now there will be a fight over possessions and your daughter and visitation.  She will have little control if your wife uses the courts to manipulate you and her.  

This is when DETACHING becomes crucial....focusing in on yourself and taking care of your children. Your lawyer will become your chief strategist.  This is why I told you to get to the lawyer right away...He/She should have had a Game plans A & B.  One with the idea she would file and one with the idea that she wouldn't file . Either way, you would know and have in place the legal actions that you could and would take if certain things happen.  

I want to either chat on FB or have a call...this one is on me, my friend.  

I know you feel like you have been hit in the face with the Witch's broom...but you can not let this knock you back in to tomorrow.  Deep down inside you know that what she is doing, thinking and feeling is crazy.  This is exactly what Worried1's wife did last year...and now she is crawling back to him with the MLC glasses off and a wake of destruction behind her. 

Let me just say this: The fight isn't over until the ink is dry on the divorce papers. 

What that fight is...is yet to be determined.  I can tell you that the fight right now for you is to stay strong for your kids...stay strong for yourself...Intense Prayer for the strength of your family, guidance from God...as it is always the darkest before the dawn.

I'll give you a day to let all of this sink in...but by O-dark thirty Monday morning you need to hit the ground  ready to demonstrate that you will not be blamed for the break-up of your marriage, that you did everything in your power to save it...that SHE left both times and went to be with another man. 

Nothing has been a waste...look at your kids and tell me that all of this has been a waste of time. Divorce papers served...to me that was a call to Battle Stations!  All hands on deck!!! 

Let's talk or chat.  We are here for you!!!

Shepherdess