in crisis
,she left a week ago. Had concerns since Nov 2008 that there was an inappropriate relationship with co-worker but she denied it. Over the months the attitude changed, she grew distant, spend hours every night texting and on the phone talking to this OM. Numerous confrontations with myself and my children , son 18, daughter 15 who knew something was up. We have been married 24 years been together 30 since high school and she has never lied, and built her life around me and the kids. She went back to work several years ago and this last job is at a high end dealership. She lost a lot of weight and started hanging out after work for drinks. In May my son told her to get off the phone with this om and told me it was out of hand. Thats when it came out the affair, the speech, the whole sha-bang. Of course I was crushed but the kids while upset took it in stride. After a emotional weekend she went in on monday and broke it off at my insistance but told me she loved him and our future held no long term promises. We did counseling but the therapist told her she was not committed to the marriage and needed to quit her job to permanently sever the relationship. She would not. Had my son grad from HS and had her family here for a week including sister and brother in law who I notified of issues. She gave her sister the impression that she was here for just the kids, and after everyone left she made a comment that led me to believe that it was imperative to leave the job so we may be serious about working on our marriage. he refused and I got the speech again. After consulting with my children who wer tired of her behavior and attitude and tension, arguing and so on I suggested that if she couldn't live within reasonable boundries she could leave which she did. She now lives in a hotel, and in a week alienated me, the kids, and her family to which she was very close speaking to parnts and sisters several times aweek. She told her parents of the affair and that she left, loves me but not in love with me, feelings have changed, need to be on own, and so on. Family has disowned her and now there is no contact.
Everyone in SHOCK as we were the poster couple for how your marriage should be.
No comments about issues in the marriage. Now she lives in a hotel w/o money (she loves money) no relations except with OM which she said at one point she would not prusue because she loved me and the kids, but then told me she is leaving us for him. She cries all the time, cliniclly depressed, says she misses us loves us but has to do this and can't help it. I think there is still a chance for her for if the fog clears she can come back.....how do i handle our relationship now?? infidelity, lies, ran out on us, her family the emotional trauma, but I am convinced it MLC and want to try to wait till the crisis pases but how do I interact with her now?? She says she has feelings for OM which she calls love, and says she's not broke. Tired of everyone trying to fix her and living her life like others want. This women's life was done on her own over the years so I kno thats garbage. how do handle her??
The main thing you do for now is keep your kids and yourself as the number one priority. Take care of yourself...she has made choices that she will eventually have to live with...THE CRISIS is NOT about YOU or your marriage...it IS about HER and her inability to cope...there are unresolved issues...ones that even she is unaware of at this moment.
THe OM is a band-aid...something to fill the hole that has been left empty for some reason. One or the other of them will soon grow tired of the situation. You didn't say if the OM is single or married.
How old is your Wife? What is her birth order placement within her family? Have you read the Birth Order article here at the forum? There may be simple answers just within that article, especially since you are telling me that she has risked even her childhood family for this trip down the MLC Yellow Brick Road.
Please know that Dorothy when she is young realizes that the people who love her are the most important about "home"...BUT when Dorothy hits Mid-Life it is these very same people who she believes is sucking her dry, keeping her from being who she truly is...it is only justifications and rational-lies that propel her further down the Yellow Brick Road searching for her Mind, Heart and Spirit. The lesson is still the same though...she has always had the answer within her all the time...her courage, strength, love and knowledge comes from with in her...not from someone else feeding it in to her...NOT even from YOU...her family, parents or sisters. She has had the power all the time...to find her Mid-Life "home"...It is within the individual person...for some reason it has grown silent...deadened...nonexistent. What she is doing is an effort to awaken it...it is out o FEAR...it is because she can no longer fight...she feels she must FLY. It is primal...she is not alone...many women today are doing it, I am afraid. Many marriages end because of it and children are permenently scarred...but if you detach, take care of yourself AND your children...you can soften the blow...and even be there if she decides to click her heels and come home...that is IF you are willing to take her back after all the bridge burning she is doing.
Welcome to the forum...I am sorry you have to be here...but I am happy that you found us. Please take the time to read the articles, check out the WINMLC Bookstore, even check out the resources that I have found on the right sidebar...consider becoming a Silver Member, as the events and opportunities are going to start happening next month with interviews with the authors of MidLIfe Mastery, Marriage Fitness and Break Free from the Affair.(Only Silver members will get access to these interview as part of their membership.)
The more we learn about your situation, the better we will be able to encourage you...do not lose heart...detach and take care of yourself and your children.
Shepherdess
thanks for the reply. She is 47, and is the third child of 4. She told me she has fought these feelings for a year , whatever they are, we don't know but from what she says, to all of us it is MLC. Her focus has been entirely on herself, which is not her, even when I asked repeatedly why she did it ( the affair) it was because "i wanted to". That's not herat all let alone she would have rather died then do what she has done.
It is my hope that the life she has left that was everything to her will be strong enough to break this hold the wicked witch has on her. I have read many posts from women who have come thru MLC that recognition is key. But we didn't see it, I would not have known at the time what to look for, but she said nothing till may and pandora was out of the box. She cries when she sees us, the earlier arrogance that was in the "I wanted to" answer of 2 mos ago is not there, but I agree that perhaps she has flown to see if there yellow brick road is there or not. This OM is single, never had a significant female relationship, and lives and eats at his sisters home although he has an apt, and is 45. she felt sorry for him for being alone while no other women that works there would give time of day plus 5 min. She claims that no one at work knows but news travels like wild fire and lady friends she had there and she would speak of have disappeared. I spent several hours last night and today on the site and I have learned more then in the last 2 mos. I have given the website out to family to help them understand. I can not deal with this person in my wife's body and I did take your detachment advice and used it today. Our daughter had minor surgery today and between the hospital and being here at home we were together about 13 hrs the most in a week. I said hello, answered her questions very business like, and while at home I left her to my daughter to have their time. But she did our laundry, made us dinner even though I said it was not needed we do it our selves. Even my daughter noticed she was very uncomfortable with my silence and direct answers, and was in tears leaving say thanks for letting her stay the day...I said your welcome not even looking up. Not mean or vengeful but not engaging. Is this the detachment you speak of. ?? We all feel she has put herself in a place were none of us can go and I believe in the better or worse part of our vows and have my ring on because I believe in the promise I MADE, and yes if she clicks her heels and comes home I would like to think i can deliver christian forgiveness. Also while she was brought up in a spiritual environment at home and we maintained that for years with the children we had fallen out of the routine last spring due to pastoral changes at our church and while we always meant to find another we never did, and soon her statements of doing so stopped. When her family was here for my sons HS graduation (including her parents) went to another denomination church and we all really enjoyed the service and the sermon was "climbing the mountain". I sat there with her and her sister and her husband who thought this could not be more directed at her if i had asked. Her mother reminded her of this sermon an analogy for the issues she needs to deal with, which she replied that she didn't think she needed to climb a mountain. To save repetetive details everyone from our children to her family says she is not rational and the justifications and rational lies make your head spin.
It is unbelieveable the help you have provided to help me in dealing with what has been the worst time of our lives. Anymore advice in navigating this is deeply appreciated and I would be more than happy to share any expierences we have .
Mlbhome
Sorry for sitch and the grief and pain you and your children are experiencing ITS NOT FAIR but the reality of it is IT IS HAPPENING! I know your pain very well and also have read for hours on this and other sites. I still seem to be having some problems with detaching but as time goes on I get stronger and better at it. Anyway just wanted to give you a small response to your thread and as always with all that are here I HOPE AND PRAY EVERYDAY THAT OUR PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED!
Peace my friends
Hello, MLBhome. I'm in the same boat, but a bit further along. You asked for advice to give your wife's family. I'm only basing this on my own experiences, but the short answer is, 'nothing.' I've often said that if the Pope himself came to my soon-to-be-ex and implored her to return to her family, she wouldn't do it. I honestly believe that the mortal soul doesn't exist who could re-direct these women once they're this far gone. Their heads are such a welter of confusion, emptiness, anger and depression that they can focus on just one thing: escape! All too often, they take a partner in crime along with them: that wretched, vile, will-eventually-burn-in-hell creature known as The Other Man. Once they've given themselves 'permission' to commit adultery, it's over. NO-one - not their mom, not a favorite uncle, not their best friend, not their kids and certainly not YOU - can convince them of the disastrous consequences of their terrible actions. It's clear to you, but to your wife, she sees only what she wants: and returning to a life and life partner that she considers the source of her agony just isn't going to happen.
Plus, her woman's pride is probably going to preclude her from admitting that she made a mistake - particularly when she's already become an adulteress. She's in too deep.
My fatal mistake was in failing to identify the warning signals. But I don't blame myself too much because the signals consisted of silence - or, rather, no complaints. The Shepherdess calls this the "running silent" phase of the MLC, and my wife certainly had one. She didn't utter a peep of unrest for the entire YEAR leading up to the detonation of the bomb. I mistook this for complacency. In reality, it was poison - death, really, to my old way of life. I and my son were slowly being poisoned, and we didn't have a clue.
Keep doing what you're doing. Detach and protect yourself and your children. The rollercoaster car is on "down" right now - and there's no brake. When the thing stops moving, make sure you're still strapped in, because your wife is most likely going to be splattered all over the rails about a mile back. And I don't say that with any glee whatsoever. What she's doing to you, your kids and herself is a tragedy - and absolutely unnecessary tragedy. And there's nothing you can do but take cover and wait for the shrapnel to clear.
MLBHome: BasilDuke is completly right. I am coming up on a year of this hell and there is no stopping it. It is not you and don't ever beleive it is. I beat myself up for about 8 months and I have finally learned to detach from her madness. It is tragic that this is going on and each and every story is the same. It took me over 8 months to "discover" the affair.....a 35 year old loser step son of her high school friend....she is 43 and we were married for 21 years and together for 25. She met him 2 weeks before she walked out. Best advice I can give is detach and focus on you and your children......they are the true "collateral damage" in all this. My two children, ages 9 & 16 have suffered tremendously through this. My sole focus in this mess is to make them whole and get them out of the situation they are in. Read all you can but don't become immersed in trying to save her or your marriage....it will not happen anytime soon if it happens at all. FOCUS ON YOU. After close to a year of pure torture, anger, blame and outright viciousness I can think about her and not be filled with emotion.....just pity and sadness for her....not me. It is not what you want, but beleive me it is the only way for you to get through this intact. I was finally able to take off my wedding ring 2 days ago. I replaced it with a very nice ring to hide the groove in my finger......a groove that was 21 years in the making. Also, Sheperdess can be a huge source of information and suport for you.....with her personal guidance, the support from this site and my two sisters I am finally at the point that I am. Good luck, I am sorry to see that you have joined the "club".
mlbhome:
Absolutely gentle listening is exactly what your wife needs right now. She also needs to have the ability to vent id anger rises to the surface...much of her inability to cope has to do with stuffed anger, unresolved issues...things that she isn't even aware of really...so, listening is good....but YOU needn't be the listener!!! In fact, a family member or a trained counselor or coach is who should be listening and guiding your wife right now.
Shepherdess
PS: The guys are right...you need to work on detaching and taking care of the kids.
If your wife will let a family member in...then let them help her, as long as she is not trying to create an alliance against you. Many women get the ear of their family and start rewriting the history of the marriage...stating justifications and telling rational-lies that many family members believe to be true. Before you know it, the people you thought were trying to help you are now doing everything in their power to keep you away from her AND help her get custody of your children.
Encourage your wife's family/sister's to come here and read the articles...they need to know what they are dealing with here...that she will try to convince them that none of this is her fault...that things have been bad all along...it was a big secret...that she thought things would get better eventually...she didn't want to worry them. I have heard this story so many times it makes my head spin.
No one can really get her to have an AHA Moment...only she can have that...SHE has to realize that this whole thing is about her and her alone. She needs to know that she has a lot of work ahead...work focused in on her...not being fed to her through the OM, YOU, the Kids or her family. Yes, the marriage may have had it problems, but not ones that were not resolveable.
Mid-Life Crisis is a crisis of mind, body and spirit of the SELF...not of a person's relationships or environment. It is the inability to cope with change, along with physical changes that are involuntarily occurring within a persons body. It is extreme resistance...so much so that the person no longer fights the change...they run or escape from it!
The best her family can do is listen, be honest with her, not enable her behavior OR appease it...EVEN they will have to detach to be able navigate through this time with her.
Shepherdess
"No one can really get her to have an AHA Moment...only she can have that...SHE has to realize that this whole thing is about her and her alone. She needs to know that she has a lot of work ahead...work focused in on her...not being fed to her through the OM, YOU, the Kids or her family. Yes, the marriage may have had it problems, but not ones that were not resolveable. "
"Mid-Life Crisis is a crisis of mind, body and spirit of the SELF...not of a person's relationships or environment. It is the inability to cope with change, along with physical changes that are involuntarily occurring within a persons body. It is extreme resistance...so much so that the person no longer fights the change...they run or escape from it!"
This great information right here. I wish I had known what I was dealing with and knew about this site perhaps things would be different. However I'm in to the end...for better or for worse, and just hope she can bilge through the emotions so she can click her heels. As far as therapy it was suggested and rejected. However with her sisters training she is as close to a therapist as we can get now and if we can keep communication open we'll go with it.
Spoke with my daughter who had lunch with my W today. My daughter asked how the phone call went the other night with her older sister. She said she was the nicest of anyone she has spoken with since this situation broke. She said she listened, didn't judge, and put a different spin on the situation she is now in.
I spoke to my sister in law and she has texted my wife about calling her, she said she may try the W tonight. My sister in law did read some of the website to help prepare.
More as it develops.
Question: do I insist my wife pay me for her cell, phone, vehicle insurance, split kid expenses etc... at this point or let it go for now?? I don't need the money, but if you want to be out on your own paying your way is part of it. But I don't want to do anything punative or desruptive to her. Thoughts??
Another question on detachment...I'm pretty much just dealing with her as I have to, in a business like manner. I don't initiate contact but will respond as above if contacted...is that the proper level of detachment, here again I don't want to add to the issues.
This is so powerful....
Listening and NOT judging the woman...taking the time to listen...understanding what she is feeling and thinking is NOT necessarily a requirement. Being DISMISSED or treated as a second class citizen...not being noticed for what they have been sacrificing, giving and tolerating is just some of the things that many women will express at this time.
I am going to post a chapter from my upcoming book that maybe will help...have your SIL take a look at it before she goes. Much is common sense...but the fact that she is leaning on her sister is a big thing.
Let us know how things go.
Shepherdess
If her being out on her own becomes permenant and she refuses to end the relationship with the OM...then she MUST pay for her own expenses.
I would give her a certain amount of time...like six weeks starting from the time that she has left...that will give her sufficient time to get her act in to order. Giving her time is understanding and not being a push-over...BUT if you find unusual activity in your accounts or her behavior changes toward being rebelious...cut her off.
Your W sounds depressed, confused and filled with guilt and shame over the affair...maybe. It would be important to know if indeed the OM doesn't know that she is living in the hotel. She will even lie to her sister about these things in an effort to keep her around to lean on. Both of you need to be careful here...telling lies, keeping secrets, betraying those you love most is a primary symptom. This is where the knowledge of how this works comes in to play...equip yourself with knowledge and you will know...be diligent in making sure she is telling the truth. Catch her in a lie...and immediately bring it to her attention.
Women in MLC can run (keep the secret, lie and betray)...BUT they can not hide!
This is what they need to know and understand! When they realize this...they can finally get to work on what is really wrong...themselves!!!
As people of faith...God chooses people in a persons life to be the Seeker of truth...the husband is normally that person....but it can also be your sister-in-law. Both of you need to be diligent with this task...the Truth is what will bring her to the AHA-moment!
Shepherdess
Just read your last post, and yes I will have my SIL read what you put up. I AM GUILTY of not listening. I can hear her words now, "I can't talk to him because I can't tell him what he wants to hear".
In my defense what would be the normal reaction when your told of an affair, the double life and the lies?? That all seems so far away now. If I knew then what I know now....I would like to say it would be different. But there was so much hurt and betrayal that I was feeling, like your mother just pulled a knife on you. And I was focused on me at that time. There still is all this emotion for me, but I am trying to put it in a place that it was the MLC that did that, not my W. But even when she said these "feelings" started, before she acted on them, she never said anything, and even if I picked up on it would I have known what I was dealing with...no. As I sit here and reflect, again knowing what I know, and knowing this is NOT about me, I did nothing to help her.
I went to a therapist yesterday to help me, and of course discussed my wife's situation (she saw us twice before my W left) and it obvious that she has no idea what MLC is. Not her fault, just not knowledgeable. If my W and I ever get to the point to recieve counseling I am going to have to find one with MLC expierence. My SIL wants to continue the communication with my W but is not pushing it, just texts her or leaves a message that she can listen anytime my wife wants to call. We'll see how the next call goes. Listening what a simple concept that is rarely practiced.
Many therapists will not recognize it...in fact; many believe that it doesn't exist. MLC in their mind falls under many other types of Psychological problems...or several lumped together....and they are probably right. MLC is a layman's term. It is not a disease/illness that can cure. It has many causes...physical, mental and spiritual...it has varied ingredients of all three...all happening in varying degrees. It is like a Mid-Life Stew that has been left on the stove to cook, not being watched or stirred...eventually it will boil over, explode or burn. No matter how you look at a person will have a mess to clean up when it said and done. Many women have to be totally broken to get back to feeling human again.
The best type of therapist to help with MLC is one who has a specialty in addiction. Many people who have affairs with in their crisis have addictive tendencies...they become addicted the OM...They are not in love with them...they are addicted to adrenaline high they receive from the danger of having an affair or even the attention they are receiving. Many of the partners and families of the person are co-dependent in how they handle the MLC person...they enable and appease...it only makes the situation worse. Much of what I am telling you here is exactly what a counselor would tell you to do with someone who has an addiction. It is the addict that has to make the decision to work at healing and getting well. They have to NEED the healing more than they NEED the addiction.
It is a very difficult thing to balance, especially when you love and care about someone. I am happy that you are here, so we can help. You and your family will be in our prayers . We are here when you need!
Shepherdess
just had to talk to her on the phone she called me.Just about how to pay another week in the hotel, what time p/u daughter..etc... she asked how I was.....I asked how she was......much akward silence.....
Wanted to tell her to come home....but did not. Wanted to tell her I still love her...but did not, .
Wanted to ask many things but did not, she said she was sorry. Just answered her questions, we both said good bye. Very hard........
Is there a chance?? Is there hope?? I don't know for sure the status of the OM today, she works at the same place, very little interaction on the job normally, does he know she's on her own, as of Monday night she told her elder sister no, that she's been alone and that she has not had "relationship" talk with him since May.when I told her to break it off, only work required interaction. Is it the truth....her sister feels it is. what does this mean???? Don't know. Looking for port in the storm.
You use the word addiction and I get shivers. I'm a product of divorced parents and an Alchoholic father who drank himself to death. My luck with people w/ addictions is ...poor. But that's what it sounds like she has on this OM, or more likely the "feeling" she gets from a forbidden relationship.
Her younger sister called her last night and they chatted a little. My W mentioned how she has "screwed" up her life and my YSIL just listened she said. On that topic my YSIL told my W that she loved her, missed her and to take as much time as she needed to think through her issues. Then they chatted about nieces and nephews. My YSIL asked if she could call and check-in with her and my wife said that would be good as she missed how often they talked.
hello mlbome: I have been reading your threads - you are in a tough situation - and - so is your wife. Addiction - yes those in MLC seem to get into their addictions. With any addicition, it is an attempt to self medicate away pain - inner pain - so intense, so excruciating that you can barely breathe. You are in a panic, you need to distract yourself from the pain - you need another fix.
Your W, if she truly has ended it with the OM, is going through withdrawal. She still has the pain that the affair masked for awhile. She still has the emptiness, that she tried to fill with an affair. She still has the confusion and desperation of not being able to find relief. AND she now has to deal with guilt.
When those experiencing MLC turn to affairs, alcohol, drugs, shopping......it is a attempt to somehow fill the emptiness they feel; the world does not feel the same to them anymore; they walk around in a painful haze that colours everything - it does not allow happiness, feelings of contentment, fulfillment, satsifaction, purpose........THEY FEEL EMPTY and are terrified by that feeling.
When I first awoke finding myself in a MLC - I didn't know what it was - but even the air smelled different, everything that I had cherished, nurtured and believed in - was gone. I didn't know where - but it was GONE. I walked around doing what was necessary to keep me alive (I live alone a lot) but I had no energy - I who have spent a lifetime with insatiable energy - had difficulty doing the basic necessities of life. The world was different - than it was the day before - and it has been different ever since. I honestly wondered how others could be walking around, laughing, talking, doing the things they did - how could they not feel the pain I was feeling. How come they were not lost? The world and my world was shallow, meaningless and I felt like an empty zombie with no self-value or purpose. Now - full of meaning, purpose and I feel alive again.
I have no advice for you. Your W sounds, from your description, like she is becoming aware that this is about HER - that does not mean that your marriage will stay intact. She has to travel this road completely - or it will never end. Protect yourself and your children - but don't give up on her or your marriage yet - the OM is a nasty thing to deal with - you seem to want to deal with that and go forward - be patient. Remember you are dealing with someone who feels extremely injured and doesn't know what to do - she NEEDS to find her way back to some form of 'normalcy'. It can happen, it does happen and hopefully your W will be one of the ones who grows from this MLC, gets stronger, more determined, more satisfied - rather - than one of the ones who continues to spin forever.
PEACE
