Should you stay or should you go?

I received this e-mail today from Dr. Frank Gunzburg, PhD, who I highly admire and read his work with intense interest.  When he reccommends programs, I immediately go check them out.  The program that he speaks of in this e-mail is yet another that  I must agree with Dr. Gunzberg is right on the money and could be of great help for those who are trying to make this decision.   Please read and consider what Dr. Gunzberg has to say...

Over the week I was reading a few reports outlining the impact divorce has on our children.  


One article in fact was taken from a recent interview with Robert Hughes, PhD and associate professor in the Department of Human Development and Family Science at Ohio State University.

From what I read, recent studies show that 20-25% of children experience academic problems and they are more likely to be aggressive and get into trouble with school authorities and police after their parent’s divorce.

The report went on to say that these children will also experience more depression and low self-esteem. The list of problems went on and on.

I think we all know this even though the studies just confirm the specific problems our children face.

Bottom line is that divorce kills everyone.  

I know this first hand because my first marriage ended in divorce and that is one of the reasons I went into this profession.

I know the pain.

Fortunately Sandy and I have been married for almost 29 years, but I understand the impact and I wish I would have known then what I know now.

That is why I work so hard to help people.

The point is that our choice to stick out our relationship directly impacts the world around us including our children.  

Not long ago, I wrote several blogs discussing if it was time to divorce.

People come into my office, having tried their best to put their marriages back together again, and desperately hope I can give them some insight about whether or not it’s time to end the marriage, get a divorce, and move on with their lives.

I really feel for people who are in this situation.

When you reach a place where your marriage has become so difficult that you are facing the possibility of divorce, the emotional consequences can be absolutely devastating.

What does it mean if you have tried everything and your marriage is still failing?

What will you do with your life if you end your marriage?

Who will you be?

Where will you go?

And what will happen to your family and your children?

Questions like these plague people who are on the verge of divorce, and the truth is that there are no easy answers when it comes to this situation.

Not all marriages work out.

My work revolves around helping people create the best opportunity they have for rebuilding their marriages. I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I believe it is precious and holy. And I believe it can be a blessing and a gift when it works well.

But I also know that not every couple out there ends up living together happily ever after.

Look at today’s divorce rates which hovers around 50%. Obviously, not all marriages make it.

In some cases the pain and injury caused in a relationship is just too awful to repair, or one or both spouses are worn out from trying to make their relationship work. There are some wounds that don’t heal.

And I don’t want to misguide you into believing that every marriage works.

If you are considering the possibility of divorce, the most important thing to understand is that no one can tell you whether or not it’s time to leave your marriage.

Usually when people come into my office asking whether or not I think they should get a divorce, I find they are asking everyone else around them too: family, friends, priests, rabbis, and other people they feel might help them make a good decision.

In the end, none of these people can tell you whether or not it’s time to leave your marriage. No matter how good their intentions are, no matter how informed they are about your situation, they can’t tell you what is right in this circumstance.

Neither can I.

If you are in a relationship that is causing you to wonder whether you can make it work or if it would be better to leave, it's important that you take some time now to gain clarity so that you'll be able to ask yourself openly and honestly whether you'll be able to heal the challenges.  

The question "Should you stay or should you go?" is certainly a big decision.

And that is why I want to introduce you to Otto and Susie Collins.  

Otto and Susie are friends of mine and a very strong relationship coaches. The two of them have become experts in helping people through this difficult decision. They’ve coached hundreds of people face to face.

Like me, they will not tell you what to do, but they have developed a system for helping you work through this decision process.

They just released their study and program for helping you work through the process.

Their system isn’t a book. It’s an action book filled with questions, stories to help you relate and insights that will help you consciously determine whether to stay in your relationship or move on.

This is an excellent compliment to my system and I want to support their work.

I have not published any program like this, nor have I seen anything as good as this that dives into this discussion.

Please do yourself a favor and get a copy of this program.

Study it… work through it and use it to help you through the most important decision of your life.

The best part is that they help you work through your decision based on what kind of problems you’ve faced in your relationship. That way you can really find relevant help.

This program is especially good for those who have found out about an affair because tragedy immediately causes everyone around you to throw their opinion about leaving. It’s a very difficult time.

Should I Stay or Should I Go

I will end with this amazing study from the University of Wisconsin’s National Survey of Family and Households.

They followed 645 couples who were extremely unhappy. Five years later they re-interviewed. What they uncovered was amazing.

AmericanValues.org, in its executive summary of this study, lists the following three conclusions that shocked so many.

1. Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier, on average, than unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.

2. Divorce did not reduce symptoms of depression for unhappily married adults, raise their self-esteem, or increase their sense of mastery, on average, compared to unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.

Here’s the best part…

3. About two-thirds of unhappy spouses who avoided divorce ended up happily married five years later. The unhappiest marriages experienced the most dramatic turnarounds: 78% of adults who said their marriages were very unhappy and who avoided divorce ended up happily married five years later.

These findings are very surprising in a culture that teaches us divorce is an easy way to end your problems quickly.

- Dr. Frank Gunzburg, PhD