My Soul Mate of 29 years, seems to be, just lost...
Hey Gang,
December 2nd, of last year, I sent my wife flowers for her 50th birthday. On the card I said something like, "thanks for all your love & understanding". ( I had just finished a overtime stretch that lasted 3 months, pretty much 12/7 ) That evening, she gave the card back saying that, "she no longer felt anything", and was leaving. 3 months later, to the day, on March 2nd, she drove away.
After reading all these accounts, I was shocked to notice how much all of our stories are so much alike! July 1st will be our 29th wedding anniversary. we have 4 children. 2 older daughters whom are out of the house, and 2 sons, whom are living with me. Back on Dec., 2nd, I was shocked! And angry at myself, as I realized that I pretty much brought all of it on myself. By being lazy, not helping with the kids, short tempered, etc. How was I going to survive? The loneliness, grief, anger, etc. All of it for these last 4 1/2 months have been with me every minute of the day. Pretty much the exact same things all of you are feeling here.. I'd try to reason with her. Tried everything I knew to fix it. She'd only push away harder and further.
On April 2nd, she moved back to town and got her old job back. I pretty much accepted that it was because of the Boys. But still, went back to all the embarrassing behavior of trying to win her back! Which, naturally didn't work...
I've finally accepted the fact that there is nothing I'm going to be able to do to "right the ship" except to focus on myself and my boys. Night times are still really hard, but as for the rest of it, I've been able to "shut her out" so to speak, and get on with my life. When it comes to the kids, she has my full cooperation, but that's about it. I've shown her what I'm willing to do to bring this family back together. And she's been told that I'll wait for as long as it takes, if ever! But, I'm still angry at what she's taken from me, for no apparent reason. It's not a hate, as I will always love her. But I'm angry, frustrated, and embarrassed at all the attempts I've taken to try and win her back. It's now entirely in her hands.
I really appreciate this site, and all of you. When everyone else has given up on ya, it's nice to be able to spend a little time here. 
Pdthomp,
Welcome to the best place, to learn the saddest news that most of us have faced, to this point in our lives. I feel for you and share both your passion in being willing to wait and your “embarrassing behavior” (at least to the MLC ignorant). For those of us journeying with you, yet in our own lives; we know the power of unilateral love and also that of unilateral and unforgiving rejection. I have chosen to deal with my situation in manner that I believe is right for myself and my daughter, but: I couldn’t have told you what it was going to be just four months ago. For this exact reason I wonder if it will change four or five months from now. I love my wife, I hate her behavior. I can’t feel angry with her knowing she is mentally/ emotionally compromised. I have taken steps to assure that my D and I are segregated from W’s follies. We are separated from W, to the extent possible; legally, financially as well as emotionally. She is a bittersweet sight to behold, now, but fives months from her move out (we had twelve hours of notice prior); always looking sad or blank and continually fatigued. D put it best “lights on but, no one is home” her eyes look vacant.
I like you, wish I could have found this retreat earlier on for sanity’s sake. So much information and so many similar presentations that I want to through them all (myself included) into a data base and begin the report generation(s). I would guess that, in terms of measurable behaviors, there seem to be about twenty. In terms of psychological profiles leading up to the collapse of emotional rationality (if that’s not a contradiction) many, many more. I completely understand that the previous represent nothing more than distractions from the pain of the process an LBS must traverse to finding some kind of personal security and strategy for grieving and functioning synchronously.
You sound as though you are way ahead of the curve, in terms of understanding that it’s about her, not you. It is in her hands, your right. I choose to believe she is in God’s hands as well. This thought process provides me with both a sense of peace and a way to live with totally rejected love.
pdthomp
I am sorry I haven't responded to your first post here until now. After reading your post, I believe that what I have written to Tryingtosaveit applies to you also, so spend some time reading through my responses at his thread.
Believe it or not there is one thing to be thankful for...she left, not taking the kids with her...she struck out on her own to whirl through her tornado of MLC for whatever reasons that she is keeping secret at this moment. Believe me when I say, when the truth starts surfacing you will be very glad that she left and not taking the boys with her...it would have been very hard to get them back in your care if she had,,, ask Andystillhoping about this fact. At this point what she has done will be viewed by the court as "abandonment" and it will be very hard for her to get them in her custody, if she gets that bee in her bonnet in the near future. Ensure you have locked that one down legally with a lawyer or that you have a powerful response when or if she decides to throw a custody challenge at you. Keep a journal of dates, times and what has happened over the days and months prior, during and after her leaving...you will need this if at some point you go to court for legal separation, divorce and custody.
I understand your anger at the senselessness of her leaving...but there is a reason and you would probably find out if you did a little bit of digging. Again, have a chat with andystillhoping...he has been digging in to things and has found out some surprising things that have gone on long before he thought. There is always a reason for a woman to walk out. I have only heard of two woman who actually left their husbands and family to be absolutely alone. (our own sbreeze1 is one of those women...the other was from another forum that I moderated at...she never returned to her H, while sbreeze has returned) I don't know how much digging you have done into her activities on-line, her cell phone useage, her credit card history OR if you even considered hiring a PI...but these are things to consider, if you no longer want to be in the dark. There maybe an outside influence/person or it maybe what it actually is...your wife had to leave to figure things out on her own. But why sit and stew in anger over the unknown? You deserve an answer...the truth...it may change the way you will deal with what is going to happen in you and your children's future. (BTW just because you have two that are out of the house doesn't mean that her leaving doesn't hurt or affect them...it does...the older they are the harder this stuff hits...especially if they are girls)
I am sorry that you have had to join us...but I sure glad that you found us. You find a very supportive community here...please read and digest everything that you can here...it all helps in one way or another.
Welcome!
Shepherdess
Hello, and welcome, pdthomp. Sorry you're here with us in the trenches, but this forum is an awesome resource - not to mention a spiritual and emotional life vest.
One thing in your post really leaped out at me: your declaration to the wandering wife that you'll stick around forever, if need be, to "get" her back. Please divest yourself of that mindset. It's unhealthy and unrealistic.
Right now, sorry to say, you need to begin training yourself to accept the fact that your wife is gone forever. In all likelihood, she already has a boyfriend, whom she insists to herself and her enablers that she loves more than any man she's ever loved before. They're probably soulmates - and sharing a love that puts your old marital relationship to shame. (That last sentence was meant to be sarcastic; unfortunately, that's exactly how my 43-year-old wife feels about her 24-year-old boyfriend, whom she became soul mates with about one month after meeting him last summer.)
It's unbelievably painful to accept. But it's reality for the time being. You've most likely been totally discarded for this homewrecking scumbag. If your wife is like mine, she's thrown her loyalty, mind and body to the other man. "You" don't exist. "You" are a reminder of everything bad that's happened to her since the day she was born.
Don't sit around and 'wait' on her to snap back to reality. My wife is savagely disrespecting me - and our 13-year-old son - and calling me a "monster" when I point out that it's really not morally acceptable for married, middle-aged mothers of teenagers to be screwing boys literally just out of college. Would I want to even date a person with that mindset, much less be married to her? Hell no! She's gone, sir, and I waved goodbye to her many months ago.
I'm rebuilding a new life for me and my son. And you must do the same for you and your children. Don't count on your wife's return. It'll only retard your healing process. "Hope" is your enemy, believe me.
I'm sorry if this strikes you as negative, but the circumstances warrant nothing but the truth. And the truth, in these cases, at least, is quite dire. Hang in there, and keep posting.
Basil Duke
St. Louis, MO
Your "Hope" lies in your ability to detach, make your children priority number one AND getting all your ducks in a row with legal counsel.....as far as getting the M/R back no one knows....it is rare...stop working on it...at this point it is in vain.
There is Hope for YOU and your boys...but not in connection with the getting back the life that you once knew before your wife left...that time is over...it would have been anyways because things change...life changes....the fact that your wife is not there now is a part of your change....stop living in the past...don't get stuck in anger and bitterness....hold tightly, nurture and enjoy your children...that is your "Hope".
Shepherdess
Hey how are you doing? I saw that you stopped in...please give us an up-date if you feel up to it.
Shepherdess
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