Dating/Relationships/Your Wife's MLC: Before and After
BEFORE THE INK IS DRY ON THE DIVORCE PAPERS!!!!
Do Not...and I mean DO NOT date, be seen, corresponding with another woman...EVEN in a group at a bar or gathering, on the internet, unless they are a relative or family before the ink is dry on your divorce papers! DO NOT let your friends or buddies set you up for a blind date, introduce you to a new gal...whatever it may be...Having sex with another person IS NOT the answer to your problem at this point...in fact, this will only make your situation worse...you will have lowered yourself to her level AND YOU will be having an affair also....YOU are STILL married...act like you are, even though she isn't!
Be a man of nobility...they are a rare breed…almost to the point of extinction...we have enough male jerks in the world...YOU know this better than anyone else as a LBS...your wife has chosen to leave her life for one...the shame is she doesn't know this right now! Be the man that no matter what happens, people will tell your wife how crazy she was/is for leaving you...don't make her rewritten history the truth!- Shepherdess
After the ink is dry on the divorce:
Prepare yourself. The time leading up to the divorce has been horrendous enough, you believe you have succeeded in detaching...moving the emotion of the whole situation over in to a box so you can actually live a life with some semblance of peace or at least an ability to meet the day....now that the divorce is final and the ink is dry....it is still not time to hop on to the internet and fire up your Match.com or eHarmony profile to see who will wink at you. Do NOT give your buddies or family members the "go ahead" to hook you up with the "wonderful gal" they have been saving for you since your ex-wife flew off to OZ in her massive MLC tornado. Do not run off to a bar, get sloppy drunk and pick up the first ready, willing and able woman...YOU are not ready for any of it...even the "animal" type of sex.
Almost all the men that I have coached have expressed to me that they are very surprised at how they felt for the first six to nine months after their divorce was final. Many of them fell back in to deep depression, just like the one that they had when their ex-wife first left. This depression was really a period of grief...grieving the actual death of marriage...it is real this time...not a grieving of possibilities.
The stages of grief are easier to go through but are not less painful...you will just be more prepared and know what to do to move through them...hopefully you will not allow yourself to get in stuck in any one of them...you will have regained your own self-purpose, focused in on your children and found outlets outside of another person to occupy your mind and feed your passion, anger and stress.
Believe it or not, the Five year timer actually starts at the moment the divorce is final...NOT at the moment that your wife/husband walked out. So, here is your timeline:
Year One
Give yourself a whole year to heal and go through the grieving process. Focus in on yourself: Health, Exercise, Hobbies, Children, your home (old or new). If your friends are relentless about introducing you, ONLY agree to meet these women in a group event (I don't mean couples) like a party, picnic, church event. No one should be paired up, an odd number of people and NOT an intimate affair. Explain to your friends that you would appreciate that they would give you time to heal and get back on your feet.
• Dive in to the care and nurture of your children…focus in on them…they need you now more than anyone else.
• Continue to take care of yourself, mentally, physically and spiritually. Exercise, eat well, and add in meditation or Yoga in to your daily regimen.
• Avoid band-aid activities like drinking excessively, the internet, empty sexual encounters.
• Sit down and create a 30, 60, 90 day and One year plan. Incorporate everything from where you want to be in personal life, your children’s life, career and spiritual life. Create a vision board…journal.
• Create a daily routine.
• Clear the clutter by getting rid of things that will trigger your memories, organize your possessions and life so that it will move easier for you.
• Deal with each issue in such a way that it will be resolved and have closure. Do not stuff the emotions! Stuffing your emotions will only add to what is already in your life baggage. This would also be a good time to resolve any of those issues also…seek out therapy if you believe you need it.
• Be patient, kind and compassionate to yourself.
• Dating and Relationships – Not now. You can not handle a relationship right now. You are grieving the loss of your marriage and the life as you have known it, while creating a new life as you will live it from this time forward. There is no place for another person in this time in your life. You will put important issues and people on the back burner. Starting a relationship now with another is a way of stuffing your emotions…it is a band-aid…self-medication. It is not fair to the other person; even if they are willing to help you carry your burden. Remember, they have an agenda also.
If you would like to read more tips on how to navigate through the next five years…I will be offering this booklet here at the forum soon. Please check it out when it becomes available. I will inform the membership when it is available.
The advice to not date is easier said than done. Even before the divorce, I started looking for rings on fingers and looking for eye contact. I will be the first to admit that I was a major flirt in highschool and college. It was all a game where the prize was a shallow one nighter. When I made the decision to get serious with my eventual wife, it shocked even me at the complete turn around. Ever new situation I went in to, I made sure that all "likely" women that might tempt me we notified how happily married I was. This became such a routine that I never realized how little I "looked" at other women. (I am still a man, so I still notice God's creative ability) What I am saying is that I managed to avoid lusting.
I have had my faults to be sure, including use of pornography. But I have remained faithful in all other ways to my wife.
That is why I say that it is so difficult now. Finally, I am allowed to look (according to worldly standards). I desperately want to know if I am desireable to women. Do I still "have it"? These are selfish motives and I know that I will not respect the women that I meet as long as I love and hate my MLCer.
I know I need to respect other women as God's creation. I know that I lower myself when I seek physical satisfaction and release. Still, the ego demands satisfaction. So the struggle continues daily. To all the LBS out there, hang tough be a man..... a man of God.
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