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aries
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Hi . i am 46 years old and have been married to my husband for 25 years. we have 2 wonderful children a daughter who is 19 her second year in college and a son who is 14 in middle school. although we have had issues in our marriage we have certinly had a good marriage by most standards.. we enjoy a lot of recreational activities which include mt biking, motorcycle riding, hiking, watersports, etc. i have been working 3 days a week in a cardiac wellness program for 12 years.. we are financially ok although money is a stressor in our relationship. my husband has always spent money as fast as he makes it, always for things that the family can enjoy, nonetheless always robbing peter to pay paul.. therefore we have no retirement to speak of. we have always had good family relations mother daughter husband son .... we spend good quality time with each other. wonderful life...right?????? the mlc slowly but surely started for me about 2 years ago.. i went through early menopause.initially i felt my symptoms were only physical...hot flashes and cessation of my periods.. i could deal.... the next thing i knew depression crept in... i was sad, detached, angry, irratable... wtf???? i didnt recognize what i was feeling was depression..i had always been upbeat , positive, enegetic
what did i have to be unhappy about??? i thought depression was a controllable emotion a choice... boy was i wrong. got on medication, prozac.. felt better but sex became unsatisfying... i also didnt realize at that time prozac could decrease my ablity to have satisfying sex.. what was going on??? kinda just suffered in silence, faked, for over six months. things seemed better emotionally sooo i took my self off my med.. sex became satisfying but...... things became worse... my daughter went off to college... i had another birthday... had a motercycle accident that involved a head injury.. my job involves seeing people that are sick, dying, dead...family dynamics changed without my daughter.... i became more depressed .

i started reflecting on my life... my childhood, abandoment by my fater at the age of 9, mother who was angry, bitter, depressed, working 3 jobs just to provide,a brother who has cerebal palsy, a brother who was a drug addict, incest, rape, violence, physical abuse, basically a dysfunctional family. the loss of our house in a firestrom..

my husband was my first boyfriend,,, i met him when i was 16...my first boyfriend to speak of... he was kind, gentle, quiet, affectionate... he liked me in spite of what he saw, although he didnt and doesnt know the details of my childhood and adolescent years.. i couldnt tell him, he gave me the things i was craving at that time in my life.. we dated on and off mostly on till we got married.. me 21 him 23.. i was very unsure whether we should get married... even then i wasnt 100% sure... is anyone???? i never lived on my own went from my moms house to my husbands apartment... got a job.. life continued... after 6 years my husband had an affair... DEVASTATING FOR ME.. begged, pleaded, cried, promised to be a better, more affectionate, sexier, prettier, anything and everything he wanted to have him stay with me.. i didnt want to become the lonely, angry, bitter, women my mother was... at that time i started to give up the ME.... things became better over time... we were a couple, albiet with issues, we had our first child... very stressful for our marriage,,, it was such a change in our dynamics.. it was no longer all about us, we adjusted, although it seemed much more difficult for my husband... he was unsure and uncomfortable with the baby.. i carried 95% of resposibility for childcare...life continued had our second child 5 years later.. that too was very stressful... not planned but much loved once he arrived... looking back on big events... marriage, births, new jobs.. all evoked fear, anxiety, sadness... never feelings of joy... im seeing a pattern here... i have had symptoms of depression and anxiety my whole friking life....

menopause has been a defining moment to me because to me it signifies my half way point in life ... right??? you have a beginning, a middle, and and end...
at this point i asked my self is this all there is??? is this the big show??? am i happy??? feeling regretful that i never had a chance to experiance any independance on my own... didnt go to college..dumb.dumb.dumb..never explored sexually, never really defined what i wanted in life...

for the most part my husband is a great guy...the things that drew me to him are also the things that drive my crazy... he sees everything as black and white, good and bad... he is a problem solver.. very organized.. quiet.. micromanages... controlling...at one point in my life these qualities served purpose.. he was my rock... the controlling is the issue that seems to have been the catalyst for my behavior and choices of late...
because my husband is somewhat controlling and i allowed myself to be controlled i never in 23 years of marriage every went on a trip, vaction, event with family or friends without him....last year i went on a girls trip and a work confrence without him... all was good...he wasnt happy about it but "he let me go" this year i went on the same girls trip... but while out dancing i meet, danced, flirted, kissed, someone else for the first time... it was new exciting ... exhilerating... this led phone texting...for 9 months... nothing really... stuff like hey u .. sending a smile... what r u doing.... pretty adolescent really... but it was exciting..this led to another conference which same thing different guy,,, same follow thru... texting... which leads to another guy in town i met at the gym... three guys... nothing more than texting, flirting...the first time in my marriage i deviated from my vows... these events made it even more confusing for where i was emotionally... my behavior was reckless, impulsive and destructive... the feelings of dissatisfaction. unhappiness, detachment were being amplified... i am lost...who am i?? am i happy??

which leads me to where i am at today... my husband found my phone with some of the text and is devasted... he cries every day and night.... he is dissapointed, angry, frustrated. sad... but... he wants to and says he will do anything to stay together..

the thing that bothers me is i feel detached... i am not sad that i made him sad... i feel like i just want to run away... walk away... disappear... like it doesnt matter.. are we really happy anyway... are we in the marriage because we are lazy and scared and it is easier to stay than to go... the men i meet were very diffrent from him.. one funny with a easy going spirit... one romantic with a sense of bravado and confidence... one very intellegent and suave... all things i find incredibly desirable... they are all things lacking in my life and in my husband..

im confused... what do i want????? who am i?????

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05 December 2008 04:07 PM
40andnowwhat
Novice - member
65 posts
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Thank you so much for sharing Aries.  Wow I so know how you feel. 

 

"the thing that bothers me is i feel detached... i am not sad that i made him sad... i feel like i just want to run away... walk away... disappear... like it doesnt matter.. are we really happy anyway... are we in the marriage because we are lazy and scared and it is easier to stay than to go... the men i meet were very diffrent from him.. one funny with a easy going spirit... one romantic with a sense of bravado and confidence... one very intellegent and suave... all things i find incredibly desirable... they are all things lacking in my life and in my husband..

im confused... what do i want????? who am i?????"

 

I am still curious, even pretty much getting over the hump of MLC so to speak, but not out of the woods yet...I feel exactly the same way STILL off and on like what you said in the above quote.  I too feel no remorse for the sadness my H felt/feels for my wanting to leave and/or indescresions.  Are we really happy, lazy, easier to stay than to go?? Those all resignate with me as well.  Maybe Shep can help us answer those questions.  I thought I had gotten over those quest., but they rear their ugly heads off and on and it ticks me off.  When do you know what is right/real and what is just easier???

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05 December 2008 05:27 PM
magdalene
Rookie - member
47 posts
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hi Aries

It sounds like you are definitely in MLC!
Finding out 'who am I?" is something everyone in mid-life begins to grapple with.
But the 'crisis' aspect of it comes as a result of our choices during this difficult life transition.
You will NOT find real joy and peace and love in any other relationship with any other man no matter how stimulating, sexy, admiring or funny he might be.
The problem is not your relationship to your husband, but the unhealthy patterns that you both have allowed in your marriage over the years that COME FROM unresolved issues in your formative years. Your childhood.

Wanting to walk away and being devoid of feelings is 'normal' during this abnormal time.
But that isn't to say it's GOOD.
You need help, counsel and a good long look at where you are, what got you there and where you want to go.
Shepherdess is very skilled in helping process these steps.

It might also help to have your husband find some support to help you and your marriage relationship as well as help for him.

One thing stands out to me... you have never totally 'given' yourself to your husband by keeping the nastier parts of your childhood a secret. As you are now realizing; the way you were raised and the trauma you faced has a HUGE impact on how you will relate in life and the way you handle it.
This can be a WONDERFUL time for you if you are ready to take the steps necessary NOT to run away from your perceived problems, but to look deep inside and find out who you are from where you've come from, and who you are based on GOD's design for you.

I don't know if you have any 'faith-base', but for me; the Truth has been that I do not have to be a product of my upbringing, my relationships, my marriage or my career etc.
While these things may have defined me, as an adult, I have the means and am empowered to be free from all the guilt, pain, unforgiveness and dysfunction of my past!
I am a child of God who loves me and wants to bring wholeness and healing into the deep places of my life where I became 'broken' through abuse, neglect and anger.
I do not have to earn His acceptance, He gave it to me freely as a gift through the death and resurrection of His Son, Jesus. And I have His Spirit living in me which is available to comfort, guide and counsel me IF i choose to listen and respond.
God wants what is BEST for you and for me... His 'rules' and 'laws' are not meant to diminish our fun, but to protect our hearts ...

AGAIN; you may get a temporary rush and thrill from the attention of other men as any addiction will give you; but it will only MAKE THINGS WORSE for you.

Believe me... I KNOW!
It is worth choosing to be faithful to your Husband and choosing to do the right thing...
but it is also true that you cannot go on any more the way things are.
IT's time to face the past, so your history no longer determines your DESTINY.

with hugs and care
~magdalene

__________________
Psalm 103:8-12 ~ magdalene
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05 December 2008 06:02 PM
soccermom
Newbie - member
23 posts
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Very true statement...   trust me I know.  I'm going through that right now.  

"you may get a temporary rush and thrill from the attention of other men as any addiction will give you; but it will only MAKE THINGS WORSE for you." 

 

 

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05 December 2008 07:44 PM
shepherdess
Superstar - founder
1097 posts
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Thank you so much for sharing Aries. Wow I so know how you feel.

"the thing that bothers me is i feel detached... i am not sad that i made him sad... i feel like i just want to run away... walk away... disappear... like it doesnt matter.. are we really happy anyway... are we in the marriage because we are lazy and scared and it is easier to stay than to go... the men i meet were very diffrent from him.. one funny with a easy going spirit... one romantic with a sense of bravado and confidence... one very intellegent and suave... all things i find incredibly desirable... they are all things lacking in my life and in my husband..
im confused... what do i want????? who am i?????"

I am still curious, even pretty much getting over the hump of MLC so to speak, but not out of the woods yet...I feel exactly the same way STILL off and on like what you said in the above quote. I too feel no remorse for the sadness my H felt/feels for my wanting to leave and/or indescresions. Are we really happy, lazy, easier to stay than to go?? Those all resignate with me as well. Maybe Shep can help us answer those questions. I thought I had gotten over those quest., but they rear their ugly heads off and on and it ticks me off. When do you know what is right/real and what is just easier???

-40andnowwhat



Well, ladies, I am going to be honest with you...you are not doing what you need to do to be in a positive mindset. It IS a daily struggle if you are not training your brain NOT to go there all the time. Falling in to this type of fantasy thinking is a comfort zone or it is serving a purpose for you. Most people when they're fanatisizing...they are trying to escape. You need to pinpoint what you are trying to escape from...and believe me when I tell you it more than likely isn't your husband/marriage, your children or your home...it is way deeper than this...it is all the many negative subconscious thoughts that are running through your brain all day long. Much of it is unresolved issues...anger, fear, and anxiety. You think you have dealt with it...but you really haven't. This stuff is settled deep down in your belief center...it causes your whole system or world go out of whack.

Think of your brain at mid-life like a computer. A computer with outdated software, weak firewalls and software that needs a good defrag OR more importantly be reset, reloaded and up-dated. Your brain computer is running with a ton of junk running underneath the programs that you depend upon to get you through your day and life. It slows you down, causes you to freeze up...even shuts you down completely...it's got bugs and leaves you open for attack. It is time to not only hit the reset button, it is time to go back put in all new software so your brain, your subconscious and conscious mind can run smoothly and clearly. This is called positive mindset and everyone can do it. I have have done it...in fact until I did....I was cycling back through the crap of my life all the time, hearing the same negative messages that brought me down and made me want to escape ALL the time.

But...most importantly...fantasizing about another man or a relationship...dreaming of the thrill and adventure of it all...thinking that it must be better somewhere else IS rationalizing your situation...let me put it in a different way...when ever you rationalize...reframe this word into rational-lies...you are actually lieing to yourself rationally....in the end it is still a lie...in other words you are kidding yourself. You need to start looking at the truths of the matter...and it starts in your brain...what you believe to be true or your belief system...whether it is grounded in faith or what you think you know to be true about your life, past, present and future.

Understand one important thing...the brain, though very complex...it is still pliable and it can change...it is a creature of habit and routine. The brain will continue to lead you back to your comfort zone every time and if your comfort zone is the fantasy, the depression, the anxiety right now...that is exactly where it will lead you. The key to changing much of this around is your mindset or how you allow your brain to think about things. It is in the knowing who you are and where your power comes from...this power should not beat you down...it should lift you up! We need to learn how to get that power under you ...it is mostly is your your mindset.

At the beginning of the New Year, I will be starting a study group that will be using the SKYPE chat to discuss Mindset for Midlife. Please keep your eye out for the announcement. In the mean time, please go to my blog www.mindsetforlife.blogspot.com and check out the books in the carosel. I will be using "Having It All" and "The Complete VIsion Board Kit" for the study. You can click on the bookcover and be taken to Amazon to purchase it.

At the same time I encourage you to watch the GLOW Project trailer at my blog or here at WOmen in MLC...and then click the link below the video to look at this fantastic project created to help women become the best that can be. Consider buying the DVD, you will not be disappointed. I have seen the movie...it is motivating, inspiring and speaks to the heart of every woman...especially to those who are feeling lost and confused...it will give you hope!

 

I hope this has helped...if not or you are still confused...ask me more questions..Okay?!

 

Shepherdess

 

__________________
Disclaimer: WINMLC is NOT to be considered a replacement for professional counseling/therapy, legal/financial, medical advice. Refer to In-depth Disclaimer.
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05 December 2008 08:06 PM
shepherdess
Superstar - founder
1097 posts
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I totally agree with what magdalene has said...sharing your secrets with your husband will be a hard task, but it needs to be done, if the two of you are going to survive this MLC.  Keeping secrets, lies and deceit is the betrayal that hurts the men the most.  Could part of your problem with your H been that you have been wearing a mask all these years with him, for fear he wouldn't love you if he knew?  Seeking out others for attention is just another way that you are wearing a mask...you aren't presenting yourself as who you really are.  

Much of MLC has to do with lack of self worth and significance...women in MLC just don't think that they have any...and then they search for it in the arms of another man or other addictions.  In reality, these men are not worthy of your attention...if they were they wouldn't even come on to you or allow you to step over the line with them.

Aries, are you seeing a counselor and addressing your childhood issues?  I believe that this is part of the tangled web that needs to be addressed.  It may also be easier for you to tell your H about this in the presence of a counselor, because they will be right there to help or encourage your H and you after he finds out.  

 

Shepherdess

 

Numbers 6: 24-26

__________________
Disclaimer: WINMLC is NOT to be considered a replacement for professional counseling/therapy, legal/financial, medical advice. Refer to In-depth Disclaimer.
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05 December 2008 08:21 PM
aries
Newbie - member
3 posts
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i took some time for my self yesterday, a four hour bike ride just to talk to me.... it felt really good.... this is the first time i spilled all my feelings, sadness, regrets even if its in cyberspace it felt good... i appreciate the responses... i dont feel alone...none of my friends have gone through this so they really dont have a refrence point to go by.. they only know thier marriage struggles and try to help using their experiances... i had some momments of clarity while i was out riding... thinking about my husband.. our relatioship etc... we have our first couple counseling today...i feel it will be a good step in the right direction... in response to your question i say a therapist on thursday to help with my individual issues... i think i have taken some action... moving in the right direction... i feel hopeful...

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06 December 2008 06:31 PM
shepherdess
Superstar - founder
1097 posts
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Keep coming back and expressing your feelings and emotions...as you feel them...especially if they get overwhelming and get to a point of feeling like "I want to Pop!" or the "Stop the World I Want to Get Off" feeling.  Your friends probably do know exactly how you are feeling...they just aren't framing their experience in MLC...maybe because of their age...if they are younger...it is a QLC...it is only lacking the lack of hormones.

I am so glad that you took the bike ride...find other avenues like that that you can use to release all the stuff that is inside...clear your head and be able to re-enter your life with a more positive perspective.  It is a learning process.  

Good work!  I am so happy that you are hopeful!

 

Shepherdess

__________________
Disclaimer: WINMLC is NOT to be considered a replacement for professional counseling/therapy, legal/financial, medical advice. Refer to In-depth Disclaimer.
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06 December 2008 07:35 PM
shirl
Newbie - member
12 posts
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Hi Aries, I can definately relate to your story, I had a similiar experience recently too, so what has happened with you, I see your post is from Dec of last year?

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31 August 2009 02:56 PM
dotsmom
Newbie - member
18 posts
1 permalink

I have read and reread the above posts and am trying to understand how it all relates to my particular situation.  Here are the things I would like to address, I know I have cut and pasted and some might be out of context:


"you may get a temporary rush and thrill from the attention of other men as any addiction will give you; but it will only MAKE THINGS WORSE for you." 

Well, ladies, I am going to be honest with you...you are not doing what you need to do to be in a positive mindset. It IS a daily struggle if you are not training your brain NOT to go there all the time. Falling in to this type of fantasy thinking is a comfort zone or it is serving a purpose for you. Most people when they're fanatisizing...they are trying to escape. You need to pinpoint what you are trying to escape from...and believe me when I tell you it more than likely isn't your husband/marriage, your children or your home...it is way deeper than this...it is all the many negative subconscious thoughts that are running through your brain all day long. Much of it is unresolved issues...anger, fear, and anxiety. You think you have dealt with it...but you really haven't. This stuff is settled deep down in your belief center...it causes your whole system or world go out of whack.

Much of MLC has to do with lack of self worth and significance...women in MLC just don't think that they have any...and then they search for it in the arms of another man or other addictions.  In reality, these men are not worthy of your attention...if they were they wouldn't even come on to you or allow you to step over the line with them.

But...most importantly...fantasizing about another man or a relationship...dreaming of the thrill and adventure of it all...thinking that it must be better somewhere else IS rationalizing your situation...let me put it in a different way...when ever you rationalize...reframe this word into rational-lies...you are actually lieing to yourself rationally....in the end it is still a lie...in other words you are kidding yourself. You need to start looking at the truths of the matter...and it starts in your brain...what you believe to be true or your belief system...whether it is grounded in faith or what you think you know to be true about your life, past, present and future.


I don’t know about all this; I don’t think I have unresolved issues that I am trying to escape from, nor a lack of self worth and significance. Maybe I do and just don’t realize it. I can say that I have fantasized about other men at one time or another for most of my married life (31 years), so it’s not just a product of MLC. Maybe it’s an escape or maybe it’s just my nature. Maybe I would have done it regardless of what kind of marriage I had? The fact is that my marriage has not been great on many, many counts, but I guess it has never been bad enough that I want to end it. My husband has a good heart, but has so many issues. He tries hard, and we don’t fight horribly like we used to, but there are still so many things that are less than satisfying for me that I don’t think can ever be fixed. I feel like some things will never change, so you just accept them for what they are and do the best you can.

I work with a man who is friendly, attractive, and has many qualities that I admire. Maybe it’s wrong to fantasize about him. Maybe I do rationalize and lie to myself. But maybe it is the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane when I feel like I am in a situation that is bearable, but not optimal, and I am hopeless that it will ever be satisfying.

You have made the argument that it is always wrong to fantasize and to enjoy the attention of other men. I am not so sure. If you are committed to staying in your marriage, and you realize that you’re never going to get everything you need from the relationship, is it really so harmful to fantasize, even to get your ego boosted from a little attention, if you don’t cross the line and do anything that you know is wrong or could hurt anyone?

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30 September 2009 03:41 AM
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