OM stands for "other man", BUT in the Shepherdess Book of Latin Definitions, OM stands for "optimus minimus"...least optimal, while OW stands for "other woman" or in the Latin it means "Overlus Willingus"...overly willing.
Most OM's are bottom feeders, users, losers, lacking in integrity, morals…any sort of conscious at all!! Most are serial affair guys...they just can't keep it in their pants and they find married women even more of challenge than their single counterparts...married women are safe...they think. Also...they don't have to worry about the woman being left alone or that the married woman will get too attached...they always send them packing....actually they really don't care what happens afterward...they already have the notch on their bedpost! YOU know these guys...you went to high school and college with them...they never quite grew up...they are habitually trying to prove their masculinity...to put it in a very crude manner....they only think with their "little heads".
It is a known fact by Infidelity experts that the majority of OM's or OW's are always someone that you would least expect...they are NOT normally handsome or beautiful...they are normally lacking in the social graces, selfish, narcissistic, lacking in integrity, have no moral code or have lost touch with it...have addictions (alcohol, drugs...even abusive)...if they are physically handsome or beautiful...they have underlying problems that need to be attended to or are unresolved…they may be going through an MLC also. They are also normally someone that is in the workplace, a close friend/neighbor OR a stranger that all of sudden is working closely or sees her/him regularly.
For the women it can be the guy you hired to paint your house, or the pool guy, FEDEX Guy, a roofer, the mailman, a co-worker or even your teenager's best friend. (This is referred to as the Mrs. Robinson Syndrome)
For the men it is the same case, yet this time it is the woman that cuts his hair, the temp in the office or secretary, the dry cleaning lady....your kid’s teacher or the Youth Group Leader or Committee member at the church. She may be pretty or maybe she isn’t…what she is…is someone who either approaches luring married men in as a game (single men bore her) or she is looking for her Daddy, maybe a "Sugar Daddy"....OR she or he is in MLC too.
Most married OM's are dissatisfied with their M/R...not that their M/R is bad...they are just dissatisfied or they just truly committed to their W's and children...we go back to the thinking with the "little head" theory. These men are NOT "Knights in Shining Armor"...they are really Peter Pan, he is one of the "Lost Boys" and he is taking your Wendy off to “Never Never Land”! SHE doesn't see the OM as this...because she is coming from a different story line....Sleeping Beauty...she thinks he has kissed her with compliments and awakened what she has believed was long asleep, never to wake up...her sexuality and ability to attract another man. But really he has shaken fairy dust on her so she can "fly " away from what she has convinced herself is the problem...her husband! Pay attention now, this fact IS important...your W has been thinking of flying any ways...how opportune for Peter Pan to show up on the scene and provide this fantasy...with the ability to do just that...teach her to FLY! When Peter and Wendy get to their destination…the fairy tale turns in to the kinky version of the story…the one’s you see on late night TV…some how, some way…the W gets her fairy tale, while the OM gets his version of it. They are really using each other for their own purposes.
Married men in MLC who have affairs, on the other hand are coming from a different story line…it involves a fantasy also…but this time it comes from the pages of Playboy or Penthouse….their mistress is always willing to oblige…cause she knows this fact and plays in to it, especially if the man has been telling her that his sex life is dull and boring. Also, the mistress’s job is to keep “Daddy” happy…right?! Again, they are using each other for their own purposes. The MLC Woman naturally falls for this because she can relate to his problem and situation...she is going through the very same thing...this is what makes them "soul mates in MLC"...any other time, they wouldn't even click together. They are both throwing off the same MLC vibrations...it syncs together...it causes them to connect.
Remember both the OM’s and the OW’s have seen your spouse coming. Your spouse has an invisible neon sign flashing across their forehead…they know the symptoms and the signs…they are masters at detecting it! All it takes is a few compliments, eye-to-eye contact…a simple touch on the arm…a listening ear…and then repeated gestures in this manner over a very short time. I say a short time…because your spouse is starving...they think. Your spouse could choose to have steak…but that burger combo in the drive thru sure looks good when you’re starving….who cares if it isn’t good for her/him…its easy…it fills you up…it’s a downright happy meal! No muss…NO fuss! They think!
Now, I hope that I don’t hear from people who have had affairs and end up marrying their OM/OW. The statistics show that these M/R’s do not last AND the possibility of one or both of the wayward spouses going astray again is very high…so, don’t tell me about these relationships succeeding…the chances of this happening is very low. The reasons why are for another article…I will not go into here…but all the reasons above can pretty much explain it…just put a new person in one of the roles. Much has to happen to make these M/R's work. If your M/R is a by-product of one of these affairs...then you are pretty darn lucky AND the two of you must have done all the work that needed to be done to make it work. Congratulations! Your M/R is very very rare!
So there you have it!...IMHO and from what I know to be true from all my research and experience. Please don't shoot the messenger.
The OM or OW
I saw the OM just a few days ago...the guy is overweight, and ugly and speaks in a funny way...In other words this guy is less attractive then me. But my W (now ex from a couple of weeks ago) is totally into him. The only thing that is keeping me sane is what is said in the above post..He is just a fantasy...and that will wear out soon...Months? A year? I don't know. But this guy is divorced and has a couple of young kids, and I have heard (not really checked into it) from someone that worked with him that he has a reputation for being a womanizer. I think the ex and him cooled down their relationship (or hid it well) during the D, but now that the D went though, my ex quickly "restarted" the relationship with this OM. I can imagine they are going to have trust issues. My ex was willing to cheat on her spouse, and he was willing to call a married woman (no morals)? He was divorced for a reason, and I imagine it was infidelity. Talk about doomed, but I don't think they have thought about that yet (at least the ex hasn't) the OM likely will start feeling trapped but may feel good that he got her to leave the spouse. What a rush for him, he helped finish off the marriage!
My ex was a very kind and gentle person, and her MLC just changed her...Who knows, from speaking with her she sounds like she is building a relationship. Whatever...yes it hurts knowing this, but it is out of my hands...I really think she is falling for this guy, but is being careful, but deep down she actually knows this guy was just the ticket to add excitement to her life and maybe she does not have expectations of this fling (just using each other)....but she does sound like she is falling for him...What a joke, but it is not funny for me, the LBS nor the kids.
Again, this guy is ugly, but he pulls it off and he helped push my marriage from troubled to done!
BTW...the ex and I had to speak with each other over some issues relating to the OM....but that is another story, otherwise, I am doing my best to not talk to the exW. It hurt very much knowing that they "restarted" their relationship, but this is what I needed to see to help in detaching from her. Seeing them together verified what I suspected, she left me the wrong way. Having an OM is a terrible way to end things...but that is how is it usually happens.
I dont wish those two well, but I will not be the reason they break up...I will not have an added blame to the list of things she said I did!
BTW...Who knows....maybe I am in denial. Maybe they were meant to be together. Either way, it does not matter as it is now out of my hands and I have to detach and move on.
I am sorry to hear that things have ended in this way.
The fact that the OM is not as attractive a you...in fact is overwieght and a womanizer, doesn't surprise me at all....in fact, this is typical...if they are not as atrractive..they are bruts or nerds...L-O-S-E-R-S! This you can take to the bank! AND if they do end up together for some reason their chances of surviving as couple is next to nil....PLUS...if he has had an affair with her , he will have an affair while with her. These sorts of guys are always scoping out their next victim...they have a plan in many cases OR all of sudden they aren't as grand as when they were involved in the affair...and one or other of them will end it.
Keep coming here and discussing your feelings...it will help in the detaching process.
Again, I am sorry this has happened...now is the time to take care of yourself and your children if you have them.
Shepherdess
what if the OM is an ex fiance, successful and not ugly?, In my case she sayis it's not an OM this was supposed to be an addition to a decision that was already cooking, but she started talking to the guy online two weeks before dropping the bomb.
A
fred1,
I am just speculating, because each situation is different at the details level, but similar as an overall flow and pattern. Some women go quickly through stages and then get stuck for years (yes years) in one stage. Then some others will regress back to previous stages over and over. A lot has to do with the deeper issue that your W is dealing with.
In my case, the OM was not better looking or more romantic etc. (these were her words). However, he was loaded and had the ability to provide financial security.
This in itself is not unreasonable. Nearly all women need to feel that their H will provide emotional and physical/financial security. It plays into her decision to marry in the first place. In my case however, my ExW's father had cheated on her mom at age 13 and divorced shortly thereafter. This pushed her mom into a emotional and financial catastrophe. My Ex was then forced to grow up early and raise her baby sister. She lost her teen years and her respect for both parents. She also learned not to trust men.
Fast forward....... she got a married out of college at 22 and was cheating on him within a year (Yes with me).
She got pregnant by me and we married. She had an affair about 5-6 years into the marriage and then ended it without my knowing about it. She admitted to it years later when she could no longer hide the impact it had on her and our marriage.
Fast forward...... At the time the seeds of the MLC were growing, I had just finished my MBA and insted of getting the great job that she was hoping for, I asked her for the opportunity to pursuit my dream career with a close friend that was an all or nothing business venture. It failed and I went into a state of depression. I still had a job, but it barely paid the bills. She decided to get a part-time job in addition to her day-care job. I continued to wollow in depression.
At this point she had lost all respect and confidence in me to provide for her. She felt trapped. As a result she ended up finding an older wealthier guy who could replace both her failed father and H. Two and a half years later she decided OM was not the one after all and within weeks, moved on to another guy.
The question is what hole does she think she needs to fill. Some go young to prove they are young or are desireable to young studs. Others seek confidence or the wild life. I guess the point is that it does not always have to be the same type of guy.
You mentioned that it was an ex-fiance. Perhaps she has regressed back in time to the point where she wishes she could have taken a different path. It is not about him as much as what he symbolizes. She wants a "do over". Of course there is no such thing, but that requires a thinking logical mind. She lives in a wold of emotions, feelings and fantasy.
The ex-fiance comes with plenty of his own baggage. However, as in all relationships, infatuation clouds the mind. Couples see the passion in their new relationship as a sign it was meant to be. They call it "true love". It takes a while before the prince shows he is nothing but a frog. She will most likely never admit he has warts.
The best advice is to detatch and learn as much as possible. Also protect yourself legally and protect your kids.
I have posted this in other threads but I thought this might be the most prudent place for it
My STBXW started dating someone 4 months into our separation, previous to this I found flirtatious e-mails. Some mutual friends told me the guy she was dating was 10 years younger than her and, I'm not making this up, lives in his van. She liked that he was a free spirit and was trying to convince him to take her travelling around the globe with him. She blatantly lied to my face, allways saying she was not dating anyone. I confronted her and said I knew about the guy at which point she claimed they were just friends. She then told me how different he was from me and the funny thing is all the comments she made about him were negative; a lost soul, flaky, self-absorbed. It's like she new he was bad for her.
What I dont understand is the contradiction; she tells her friends that she wants to run away with this guy and loves what a free spirit he is; then she denies ever saying those things and even denies the relationship to my face, if this is really what you want, then own it.
You're not going to find any sense in this big, wet pile of MLC dung, Lost Hope, so you might as well stop looking right now. These ladies are, by our definition, in 'crisis' - a crisis of the mind, spirit and body. And if your spouse is anything like my ex-wife, she's nuttier than an outhouse rat.
To hear my ex tell it now, she NEVER felt anything for the college puke. And yet, less than a year ago, she was professing her eternal love for him. Couldn't live without him! They were soulmates! An unbelievable connection! etc. She also denies ever saying those things to me.
My advice to you: stop talking to her. Detach. Do NOT engage her in dialogue about this imbecile. He lives in a van, for the love of God!!!!!! A van! Don't you almost - in a sick way - want to see how your wife takes to van living with a self-absorbed punk? Does she understand where one goes to the toilet when one lives in a van? It's called a bucket. A free-spirited bucket, perhaps - but a bucket nonetheless. How many women do you know who'd find anything romantic in that?
Basil, as always is right on.Shep has told me on several occasions that the OM's will be complete opposites to what the husband is. In my case that is 100% true.
Why...beats me...the W's low self-esteem???
But Listen to Basil, if you take your pitch fork and turn over the MLC dung heap looking for logic, all you'll find is more MLC dung.
I, as basil have had the same lies, the same VERBAGE used by my W on me as his W did with him. It is so scripted, and so identical it scarey.
Detach...you can't argue with a crazy person, remember she will tell you anything at anytime and no matter how nutty it is to you, that's HER reality.
MLBHOME
The OM IS absolutely the opposite of YOU...personality and everything. It has really been till recently that many OM's end up being younger then the W...it is part of the new "Cougar" mentality that is the Fab40 and older are grabbing on to...they used to want to be DIVAS and Goddesses...now they are happy with being Cougars...ALL labels for women that give them permission to act without thought or care about anyone else but themselves. Think about it!!! SO you can also blame some this on our culture too...and the fact that young guys find it great sport to "bag" a Cougar.
Shepherdess
Two things for The Shepherdess: (1) A belated Happy Birthday! (B) I really like your new cartoon icon. Well done.
On to matters more grim: These young jerks who find it sporting to bag the cougars (our wives) can't be dissuaded. They're immoral and immature, and really have no clue as to what they're doing. They're after sex. But take solace in the realization that these bastards will be losing THEIR wives to similar scum in 20 years. O, sweet irony. It'll happen.
P.S. Sorry for the profanity, Shepherdess.
How about the same age jerks, who have never have grown up, act like they are in HS or college, and have no lives.??
I think it was in a Basil post yesterday that he mentioned "emotional disconnect". I certainly believe that, and taken with SB1's last post about the emotional emptiness, "misplacing" her emotional memories, and having no empathy for those that get hurt as the W can't feel, and use the OM as self medication, all makes sense.
I would guess that as far as taking action, as a LBS there is nothing that can be done, except stay detached, in the fox hole with the Viking helmet on.
Reading SB1's post she said that she got her emotional memories back, does that happen with time, as cracks in denial appear??, as hormones calm, and so on. You would think the emotional ties to children would trump everything, but there are so many examples here that it does not. But I would still think that there has to be a strong "pull" from those emotional memeories to re-connect.
just some thoughts
MLBHOME
dear MLB - I did recover my emotional memories - but they did not come back without some very serious work on my part. The first step was to recognize that they were gone - that I was in an emotional void - not an awakening (as it feels like). Second step - I KNEW those memories were there - I just needed to find them in all the fog. Third step - I toiled hard and long, developed strategies and painstakingly re-discovered each and everyone of those memories that kept me connected to my life partner and my children. Each and everyday was spent digging into my soul - feeling excruciating pain and desperation - but it was so worth the struggle.
It does not happen on its own - not while in a MLC anyway. As long as the person in a MLC stays within the fog of denial - what they are experiencing FEELS like an awakening to a previously wasted life. Until there is a recognition that this thing they are experiencing cannot be trusted as reality - they believe it is real - and they cannot connect to their loved ones - because they cannot find those emotions behind the fog.
PEACE
I just read what neverimagined wrote earlier in this thread and it rung so true for me. I don't think the OM in my situation was so much a polar opposite of my husband as he was a symbol of my youth or a different path I could have taken. One of those "what-ifs" And I was wanting a "do over"
"This just completely hit the nail on in for me in my situation. I do realize that infatuation, passion... all of that is not "true love" but it does feel that way when you are in it!. How can we at mid-life be so unwise?! How can we not know that true love is what you have after the infatuation is gone?!
(oops-forgot to sign in again)
Thanks ladys.
What you are saying helps tremendously. SB1 mentions the fog of denial, struggling did you have that also, the denial. I have followed SB1's thread and know she knew what was happening to her, she recognized it.
Any thoughts on trying to break the denial??, to get to the recognition phase??
I think my counselor did a lot to help me break through the denial or the illusion I was under. When I first made an appointment I told her I was questioning my marriage. Then as we talked I told her about the communication with the OM. This was shortly after I had met up with him in my home town. She was very non-confrontational, non-judgmental as good counselors are, but she did say right away that it seemed like I was having a midlife crisis. She also reflected back to me a lot of what I was saying and when I heard it that way I realized how ridiculous it all sounded. She also talked about how people leave their marriages all the time in search of greener pastures and they seldom find themselves any happier and often alone and with nothing. She reinforced that I barely knew the OM... which by the way I was fully aware of and not in denial about. Later she advised me to read some books about why women have affairs. I felt indignant at first when she said that because I didn't really think I was having an affair. But then as I thought about it, it wasn't exactly just a normal friendship and I was thinking about sex with him even if I wasn't doing it. It was consuming my thoughts.
If we compare MLC to addiction, denial is a big part of addiction. You have to deny and rationalize to keep doing the addictive behavior. You like the addictive behavior and get pleasure out of it so you want to deny that it's not good for you and rationalize doing it, even if you know deep down inside that it is wrong and not good for you. When someone is addicted say to alcohol or drugs, the worst thing you can do it beat them over the head with statements like " You are an addict and you must stop." That only increases the resistance. I work with people with drug and alcohol problems and I have attended a lot of training about working with resistant people and Motivational Interviewing. Generally it means using reflections, and telling people what you hear them saying and pointing out indiscrepancies. For instance. "You say that alcohol is not a problem for you but you have this lengthy rap sheet and all of it involved alcohol use." It doesn't always break through the denial, but it works better than being overly confrontive. Denial can be pretty powerful.
I don't know if what works for drug and alcohol addictions would work for MLC. I may be comparing apples to oranges. Shepherdess and SB1 may have some better advice about how to break through the denial. And from the sound of it your wife was so far into it, there may have been nothing you could have said or done at that point to have any impact. Maybe the only thing that can break through that kind of denial is to live through it and eventually find out the hard way that the man you thought was your "true love" was far from it.
One thing I didn't do was to blame things on my husband. I felt numb to him but I never thought it was his fault.
Struggling,
Thanks for the reply. It helps tremendously. Shep has not been on today, I'm sure she is dealing with her N'orEaster that is slamming the coast, and predicted to get worse.
Shep and I have discussed that my wife is in MLC, and addicted to this OM. She has given up everything and filed for divorce from me, BUT today called and asked if I would be open to meeting her to talk over the situation, with the possibility of trying to put things back together.
She has displayed all the classic MLC symptoms, lingo, and rational lies. After her phone call today I called a BIL and he said he spoke to her 10 days ago and she hinted at what would it take for her to open a discussion with me to come home. She also has been broaching the subject with her mother.
She needs to get past her denial, denial that it's MLC, denial that it's her doing, stop blaming me, recognize what she is doing, and it all comes down to the denial. My BIL feels that the fantasy is now wearing off with the OM, and she will have nothing.
Please keep posting, your insights are invaluable as are SB1's. I am to meet my W on Saturday to talk about"things"
MLBHOME
