Detaching - Mindset

I'm in the detach mindset and feeling good about it but today is my wife's birthday. Should I buy her a gift or just forget about it? I told her happy birthday this morning before she left for work and she thanked me. I told her the other day we could go out to eat tonight for her birthday and she agreed to go. Maybe I shouldn't have even suggested that. Give me some of your thoughts......

Totally agree with Redfox...take her out to dinner if she is agreeing...with the kid's, even better!...buy her a card and gift. Don't get a birthday card that is too over the top...it can say I love you and how special she is...etc....declaring eternal love and devotion this year may be pushing her...save this for another time....keep simple and pure like Redfox said.
Detaching IS a balancing act.  Measure your actions and words...mixed with compassion, gentleness and kindness...knowing that remaining strong and NOT appeasing her will get you very far.
Shepherdess
PS Women always love a dozen roses...it is romantic.

Things went well last night. I bought her a Brighton wrist watch. I didn't give it to her at the restaurant I waited until we were home. She went on the other side of the house and I put the gift and card under the edge of the covers in front of her pillow. When she came to get in bed and pulled the covers back she was pretty surprised. She seemed genuinely thankful for the gift. I bought her a couple of gifts for Christmas and she ended up actually being pissed off that I bought her the gifts. The card wasn't mushy or lovey dovey. It basically said that she was a special person to me. I signed it "I still care! Hope you had a great birthday." I didn't expect anything for the gesture and still don't expect anything. Detach...Detach....Detach!
Thanks for the words of encouragment from everyone. Talk to all of you soon!

She seemed somewhat normal for a few days after her birthday. Saturday morning the kids were all gone and she told me that she needed me to take money from my retirement fund (over $3,500) and give it to her to secure a home for her and the kids to move into. I told her I wasn't giving her any money. I told her if she wanted to move out that was fine but that I wasn't giving her any money to fund her madness. She became very angry. She said that the money in my retirement fund was ours and that she would just go get it. I told her that the money in my retirement fund was mine just like the money in her retirement fund was hers. A week ago my youngest daughter had been asking a bunch of questions about personal salvation. I talked with her a while and eventually she prayed and asked Jesus to come into her heart. She was very excited! She told me that she wanted to go to church and talk to the pastor and get baptized. On Sunday morning all of us got ready and went to church and at the end of the service my wife and I went up front with my daughter. As soon as we got home from church my wife sat down and started filling out the rental application for the house. I was very upset. All I kept thinking about were my kids especially the yongest. I went in the bathroom and cried for a while. I kept thinking about when my daughters were born and how I held them and looked into their little faces and promised not to ever let anything or anybody hurt them. Now I know they are going to be hurt and there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening. I changed my clothes and was going to head out for a walk. My wife asks me again before I leave if I will give her the money and I told her no. I went on my walk but could not stop thinking about my kids. I became depressed but angry also. Yesterday I was still feeling depressed and angry. I went to a local restaurant at about 2:00 and started drinking. As day became night and I continued to drink I didn't feel angry or depressed anymore. I  didn't feel anything and that felt good so I kept drinking. My cell phone began to ring and I didn't want to talk to anyone so I ignored the call. My cell phone continued to ring all night and I continued to ignore it. Most of these calls were from my wife. Finally my wife sent me a text message asking me to please call her and she needed to know where I was and that I was OK. A minute or so later my mom sent me the same text. I sent a message back to both of them and told them I was fine and that I just wanted to be left alone for now. My wife continued to call all night long. I stayed at the restaurant until it closed. I finally made it home at around 1AM. I know my actions were wrong and I feel bad because I know my children were worried about me. I can't believe how my wife acted though with all the phone calls and the text messages. In kind of a sick and twisted way it made me feel good that she was acting that way. When I came home she was still awake and she grilled me about where I had been and who I was with. She does that a lot since I started trying to detach. I've never done anything like this since we have been married and I probably won't do it again. I guess last night I over detached. Thanks again for all of your prayers and I look forward to talking with you all again soon.

matt:
You said exactly what you should have said....NOW the drinking you can leave behind...that will get you in trouble....it is a form of escape...not detachment at all!  You need space to collect your thoughts...the escape is within creating distance...but drinking is similiar to what your W is doing to escape....it is temporary and solves nothing.  If what you wanted was to get a reaction from your W...you got it..but more than likely it didn't change her mind.  Deep down underneath the MLC she does care AND she realizes that she is hurting you...but the MLC is driving all of this and is taking top priority.  She isn't thinking about your daughter and how this will hurt her or effect her.   Many women are convinced that children are resilent and will get through all of this without a scratch.  They are wrong!!! Children become angry, take on blame and then stuff it deep down inside.  
Here is a suggestion...tell her the only way that you will give her any money or support her in this is if she postpones what she is planning...get in to marriage counseling...create a space for her within the home...set a time period...6 months, whatever...you will only help her with moving out when the two of you have done everything you can to keep this from happening.
Maybe do this: Go buy the movie Fireproof ...give her the movie with a note that says.. I get it...let's watch this together.  If she won't watch it with you then okay...don't push it. Maybe she'll watch it alone...in any case...
Be careful...don't drink to escape what is happening here. No matter what happens...you need to keep your head together for your children...make them your primary concern right now, along with taking care of yourself...keep to the firm stance that you will not finance the destruction of your family.  Tell her this...if she wants the money then she needs to take it out of her retirement...this is her thing...not yours...You did not ask for this.  If she can't afford doing what she wants...then, I guess she'll just have to wait.
Hang in there!  I will be praying for you!
Shepherdess 

Update.....
My wife called me from work last Thursday morning to let me know that she had made up her mind that she was going to sign the lease on the house. She cried for a while onthe phone and I told her that this would change everything. She knows that I have trust issues since she had the affair. She told me that she had trust issues as well because I have seemed distant from her over the past couple of weeks. She told me that she really thinks that I am seeing someone else. I told her that she was thinking crazy. I told her that I was attempting to detach from our relationship and explained what detaching meant. I asked to please reconsider moving out and she told me that she had already made up her mind and nothing could change it. I've been going through a bunch of old photos over the past couple of days. Yesterday afternoon I was going through more of them and my wife decided to join me. We had a great time looking at the photos talking, laughing and crying about our past. We finally took a break from looking at the photos and went out to eat for my oldest daughters birthday. We had a great time! When we got home we watched a movie and my my cried during the movie off and on several times. I knew that she wasn't crying about the movie but when I asked her what was wrong she didn't answer me. I knew that she was upset about telling me that she had actually gone to sign the lease and that she was moving out. I said to her "If it feels so right and you know it is the right thing to do why does it hurt so bad for you to say it?" She had no answer. She continued to cry off and on until she fell asleep last night. I knew that when she went to work this morning she would call me and drop the news over the phone rather than tell me to my face. At 7:45 this morning she called and told me that she had signed the lease on Friday and that she would probably be moving out this week sometime. She cried and said that it wasn't easy signing the lease even though she knew I thought she was so happy about it. I let her know that this would change everything. She said she didn't understand. I told her this would only magnify the issues I had about our marriage. I told her I had to go and hung up. Even though I have been trying to prepare myself for this I am still very upset. Right now I am extremely pissed! Even though there is no recent evidence of involvement w/the OM I still can't help but think that she is moving out to give their relationship another chance. I have talked to several ladies recently that know of my situation and they say there is no way that she would leave the security of her marriage unless she thought the grass was greener in someone elses pasture. I will be praying for God's will today. Your comments, encouragement and advice are greatly appreciated.

matt 73
"...if it feels so right and you know it is the right thing to do why does it hurt so bad for you to say it?"...
BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHY THIS IS HAPPENING!!! 
- because SHE is ending her life as she has known it;
- because SHE sees the destruction of something once beautiful;
- because SHE knows the disruption she is placing her children in;
- because SHE is in terrible turmoil, panic and desperation;
- because SHE is totally confused about what is happening to her;
- because the depth of HER sadness seems to know no bounds;
- because SHE is terrified of what her future holds (with or without you);
- because SHE knows it is NOT the right thing to do
BUT IN HER PAIN, PANIC, DESPERATION - SHE CANNOT SEE ANY OTHER WAY. 
It is all about HER - and she is desperately seeking release from her inner pain - without being aware that this is probably NOT the BEST way to go about it; nor will she find it.
My heart breaks for you and your family.  Your wife is LOST and like everyone says here - look after yourself and your children.  Moving out of the family home into a place of her own MAY provide her with enough space to be able to come to the realization that this is NOT about anyone other than herself, and that she needs to find a peace within herself or she will continue to RUN for the rest of her life, leaving a trail of destruction behind her.  I hope so, for her sake.
PEACE

I have to agree with sbreeze...her tears are tears of desperation...tears of grief...tears of fears and hoping she is doing the right thing.
Have the two of you watched the movie Fireproof?  Take a look at the Fireproof Marriage Kit here at the WINMLC Bookstore..see if this is not something that the two of you should look in to and try.  Maybe you can convince her to stay and work through all of this or at least...tell her the two of you need to make one last effort to make this work...for your children's sake, if not for yourselves. Get her to postpone the move for at least six weeks, while the two of you go through this course together. My husband and i attended a study at our church that used this as teaching tool...it was phenomenal...it helped greatly. 
Anger will get you no where at this point...it will only push her further away.  Either you want to save your marriage or you don't.
If the affair is over and she is no longer seeing the OM...she is probably grieving the end of what she thought was the answer...now she is thinking moving out is the answer...she is desperate.
Set your anger aside for the moment, be compassionate with your Wife in her time of turmoil...she doesn't understand...she is running ...escaping...this is what the affair was about too.  It has nothing to do with you or your M/R...it has everything to do with what is going on with her.
Check in to this movie and course...are you willing to try anything?  Here is something...
Shepherdess

I have the movie but she refuses to watch it. She says she doesn't want to work on us she just needs to be away from me. She wanted to move out when she was having the affair so the moving out thing isn't something new. I am willing to try anything and feel like I have tried everything. I will do my best to be there for her but when I do this I feel like she is walking all over me like a rug. Thanks for the responses so far.

My wife refused to watch the movie and refused to read the "Walkout Woman".  It's almost time to give her what she wants, get my kids and leave her alone and broke.  I still love her, but I am getting tired of the constant anger that is directed towards me.  I am to blame for EVERYTHING!!  Good luck. 

Is she planning on taking the kids with her to the new house she has leased?  Are they a part of the move?  Are you putting your foot down on any of this?  If you haven't...you need to.  Have you gotten legal advice on all of this?  If not...you need to right away, especially is she is planning on moving out this week.
 
In almost all of the situations I have dealt with or known of the only way that things turned to the better or at least where the man felt he had control of the situation was when the husband said "NO!" you are not taking the kids with you..."NO" we will do what ever we can for the children...moving them out of their home is not for the best for them...it may be for you...but not for them.  You may not want to go counseling, but we are going to counseling...You may not want to watch this movie...but you are going to watch this movie.  You say: " I am insisting on this because I don't want to lose the family...you are not only giving up us...you are giving up on the family!!!"
 
Don't work on the M/R...you are working on the family...which includes your children...anything you do together at this point is for them...not for the two of you!  Stop working on the US....start working on the THEM.....YOUR CHILDREN!
 
If she is confused, frustrated...even the possiblity of hooking back up with the OM or finding another...DO NOT let her take the kids with her.  The deal is...if she is moving out she is moving out to place distance between her and you...not her, the kids and you.

This is about her only...this is not about the children...you need to protect them from her emotional decisions or they will end up suffering from the collateral damage that will go on here.  Many women get out on their own and become very neglectful...the children end up fending for themselves or taking care of Mom.  Read the stories here...I believe basilduke and sosad are dealing with this, if I am not mistaken....one of the guy's wife is making his 8 year old keep secrets about what mommy is doing...while the daughter says she never has time for them anymore.  KEEP THE KIDS WITH YOU!  Let her go and figure this thing out...she apparently is h3ll bent on doing it...she is trying to prove something to herself. 

At the same time she is doing it...you are not telling her what you expect while she is out of the house...does she expect to return at any time?...does she think this is an option? Have you even thought about or told her what your delabreakers are?  What you will tolerate and what you won't?  Or is everything unconditional?  You will love her no matter what she does, says or who she becomes involved with?  If you are angry about the OM, you do have a dealbreaker...you do have a line that she can cross where you will be hurt and feel betrayed?  You are married ...you have been partners...this doesn't end just because she says it does...you are partners until the ink is dry on the divorce papers. Approach this with this in mind.
 
If you don't want to feel like a "rug"...then don't be a rug.  You can support her in what she wants, but you don't have to appease or placate her actions...in hopes that one day she will wake-up from the MLC fog and realize that it was you all along!  Put yourself in a postion of power, while letting her figure this out...You will be amazed at how the women will take notice when you do this...it doesn't mean that it is all over either...it is just that you are putting yourself in a more powerful position and protecting your kids.

Shepherdess