The following post was written in response to a question here at the forum. If you are woman dealing with your H...the same rules apply.
DETACHING
Detaching the most misunderstood advice that is given in MLC/QLC. When we tell men or women to detach we are not saying disconnect completely right off the top. Let me repeat that...DETACH...don't disconnect completely yet. Detaching is a process and how much you detach relies on what your Spouse is doing. Detaching puts you in a place where you can remain in control of your own emotions, your own actions and focus on what is important for you at this difficult time in your life...your own health, ability to take care of your children, your work, your home. Detaching doesn't mean that you turn your back on your spouse and their problem/situation they are going through. Your are present in the problem...you just aren't being manipulated by it. You are NOT accepting what the MLC/QLC spouse is feeding you as the truth...you accept the things that you failed to do in the past, yet you know and understand that these failures are NOT the cause of what is happening presently in your M/R. In fact, you know understand that this M/R is NOT the primary problem...it sits way down the list waiting to be dealt with when the person in crisis realizes that they had a role in the discontent and unhappiness of the M/R....it needs to be put on the back burner for the present moment....even though it is the most apparent thing that is being attacked.
The spouse needs to determine where the MLC/QLC spouse is in there crisis...this will determine the degree to which they must detach. From the very top: Detaching emotionally means:
Setting boundaries and deal breakers in the relationships: No OM's, no drinking, partying, acting like a teenager, no spending money on non-essentials, friends that will influence her actions/decisions: many more that may include counseling, rehab and returning home. Make your decision right now...if you will be willing to stick this out, what you are willing to tolerate...what you believe you will be willing to forgive, if she returns and changes her tune.
- Be knowledgeable about this thing called MLC/QLC...read, learn, apply...Do NOT react from emotion...react from from reason first.
- Do NOT be a doormat or an enabler of your spouses MLC/QLC. Mean what you say and say what mean...if you give a cause and circumstance...follow through with what you have said. Example: No OM!...if you discover there is an OM or that she has not ended the R (whether she is living with you or not) this is a deal breaker. Take action. This could mean that you take your ring off in front of her and tell her that it will not go back on until you know that she has ended the A , or that she moves home and works on being part of the family again OR you seek legal advice and file for a legal separation working toward gaining custody of your children. The same deal breakers and boundaries remain in place no matter.
- Communication is important...but not if she continues to spiral down or out in her MLC/QLC. YOU ARE NOT HER SAFETY NET if she continues in this manner and she must be told so! You care about her....but you will NOT allow her to walk all over you and your children. Make it plain to her that the only way you will be her safety net, her coach, encourager...her friend...her family again is if she does the work that she needs to do to earn your trust, respect and love again.
- Tough Love is the way to go....you must be in control of you, know your priorities...know what you want for your W in the end...BUT...it is up to her to make decisions she needs to make to to be happy in her life and if you, your M/R and your family will be a part of that happiness.
Most important thing to remember: This is about your spouse NOT about you! When you discuss things with her ...talk about her emotions, her ability to cope, her self-esteem....detach from how this is effecting YOU, your kids, your M/R. Hear her screams to be seen as a person, as a woman...as a human being who is hurting...is broken. DETACH from the ME factor of this event! IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU....it IS about her.....what can you do to make it about her? If she had cancer, how would help her in that? It would be a disease that you would have to fight together, but there is only so much YOU can do in that fight...Right?! Treat the MLC/QLC like a cancer that is growing...get her the help that she needs, keep her from the destructive things that will only make her more ill, guide her out the primal reaction to run away and lick her wounds...show her that you understand and you will be there for her IF she will DO the right things to make herself better...if she chooses not to then she has tied your hands...she has made her decision to walk away from all things that would truly help her. Also, you will not allow her to drag your children or the rest of her family down with her! THIS IS TOUGH LOVE!
Go out and immediately buy "The Walk Out Woman" and "The Worn Out Woman" by Dr. Steve Stephens and Alice Grey...in fact, buy two copies....give one copy to your W and you read the other. Both books are from a Christian perspective and are possible the best books on why women today are and will go off in to an MLC/QLC. They do deal with the M/R, but they also focus in on the individual and the role that they play in the M/R and why a once happy marriage will fail. Remember it will be up to her to read it or not....you are only planting seeds at this point...it is up to her to make them grow.
I hope this has helped...if you have any more questions or I need to explain further...please ask.
Any other tips and tricks on detaching, please add them to this thread...Thnak you.
Shepherdess
Numbers 6: 24-26
