Anger is an important part of the grieving process...in fact it is integral to moving on in to acceptance. Tthe most important thing about anger IS that you don't stuff it away in a place that it will raise its' head later on in your life. Anger can become an unresolved issue if they ignore it and not deal with it face-to-face at the moment that they are feeling it. Anger can turn into resentment and bitterness in the end if not dealt with in a positive manner. IMHO much of the anger that I see in the men and women LBS comes from the root of betrayal. They have trusted their partner unconditionally...loved them unconditionally...they have been betrayed without cause....it is an attack on their very existence as they know it...THEY are a victim...they have lost control of the life that they thought they had a firm grasp on. Anger IS and CAN be a healthy form of healing as long as they don't act upon their anger in revenge, hurtful comments or actions that only perpetuate the situation. They must release the anger in positive acts.
When your anger flares with your W...hold your tongue for the sake of your children...come and vent it here, as other s have done on other forums have done...write a venomous letter to your W and then ceremoniously burn it in BBQ...if you want to take one or several of her pictures that the two of you are in...tear them up, burn them...throw them out the window as you drive down the highway. The act is release...your brain connects with this...you are taking from with and moving it out. If you ever get back together...these pictures will only remind you of your past and you will be making new memories together...you won't miss them no matter how the situation turns out. It is a great exercise in detachment...And pictures that are important to your children that your W is in...give them to her or the kids to hold. Start a new book of memories with your children. Make it a project. This will keep your mind off the history...you are creating a new history. Don't allow the fact that your W is not a part of this new history steal the memories that you are creating for your children with you. After you have purged your anger...then and only then can you do the exercises that help...you will be free to explore the possibilities of calm and peace because you haven't packed your anger in the baggage of your life.
Shepherdess
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The Grieving Process: Anger...if your W has left
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Hi, I am Des24. I have recently posted on the Lifetwo forum and some of you will know my story. See topics there 'Will I lose her for good' etc.
Personally, I have been wrestling with my wife's change for 10 months. We had 26 years of happy marriage, four children. She was so happy, I was too. Then Feb this year, she goes back to work. New friends (many separated), new social life, new appearance, texting blokes, loss of intimacy with me. The confusing thing is that there were many stressful life events around that time which I am sure contributed to her mindset. But also she is 42 and maybe leaving full time motherhood and being aware of herself again are the main reasons? She just says her feelings for me have changed. Loves me but not in love with me. The spark has gone she says. Funny, I gave her everything she wanted in life and I thought we had found our comfort zone in life.
I am about to go through this grieving process. She will not discuss the reasons for her change of feelings. Will not attempt councelling. Will not try to work through our intimacy together. Says she has been hiding this (Oh I wish she had talked to me about it). Anyway she has decided to leave and take the children. She goes in two weeks. I am counting the days. It is awful.
I am angry because there is nothing I can do to help the situation. She says its her, not me. But she says she can't guarantee her fidelity when she's gone. The thought of her with another makes me feel sick. How do I deal with that?
Losing her like this is like a bereavement but it's Worse. In death, if you lose a loved one, at least you can say you cared about each other at the end. This is losing someone but you know they don't love you completely like they did (26 years). How do I deal with that?
The other thing is that her behaviour and hurtful words make me angry. I want to retaliate but I want to maintain as much civility so that if she gets through this she feels like she can come back. Also, I need to stay 'friends' so that the children will not be affected or access.
All these feelings add to the anger. She is not the woman I married. But I believe that woman lies within. I still have hope.
Des 24
I am in an anger phase right now...it is just like you explain it. I still feel betrayed, I felt worthless and out of control since November, but I am handling that better now.
What I hate is that the exW seems to have it together, and she tells people that she hopes that things go well for me. Although, this may seem nice, I find it frustrating. She was the one who found OM and then kicked me out, she started rewriting history, and now she is being the bigger person. This makes me seem like I am a small person as I was just so depressed because of the divorce.
Right now I am very upset at her...and I think I am bitter because of it. I am not normally an angry person, but I will say that this anger I feel makes it a whole lot easier to say "Hey, (expletive) her. I AM a good person, I AM a great father...and I don't need her, and I dont want to see her again." I guess my anger is helping me cleanse the feelings that I was clinging to. But I don't know if that is really healthy, but I guess anger is part of the process. But what is acceptance? Is acceptance where she is at because now she hopes things go well for me? Well, I don't really wish her well right now...Do I have to wish her well? Is that part of acceptance? Or is it when I totally let go of my marriage and just move on?
jbail
Acceptance comes when it doesn't matter if you wish her well or not...
Anger can be good as long it remains righteous and doesn't become bitter and toxic. It can be cleansing, as long as you let it go of it and not roll around in it.
Letting go of the marriage as you have known it is something that will happen no matter what you do...moving on you are actually doing already...Time will take away the sting, as will knowing the Truth about everything that has happened.
Your primary goal is not to be thrown under her bus... or even believe the re-written history she is telling everyone else...or even question what you know to be true.
So, do you have to wish her well...no...you don't...but there will be a time where maybe you will be able to...and if you never are able to wish her well...then that is fine also...just don't be bitter and angry about it....don't feel or think anything...neutral is good.
Shepherdess
As long as it has been, Im not yet at anger. Anger, well, I have never been an angry person. My anger died when my father passed away in 1990. Im still grieving after 3 months of her walking out on me. Still wondering how she slept in 2 beds at once, still trying to figure out how she threw our lives aways. Mine, hers and my step daughters.. It makes no sense to me. Yes my feelings were unconditional, as i thought they were in return. Now im dealing with feeling empty. 15 years. I sound like a broken record, but at 24 i wanted a family, at 25 I met her and her 2 year old, we had a family, or so i thought, my step daughter was 6 weeks from her 18th birthday and i was left for an OM. Both of out lives have gone downhill, but she has someone, i dont. thats how i feel. Im trying to pull myself out of this, but In truth, I find myself questioning everyhting about myself at this point
I ahve photos of us on my pc of very recent vacations and she seemed so happy, she was glowing. and now this. Like all of this meant nothing
You are spinning...you are not detaching...you're hanging on to the wife and life that was...this will not get any better if you hang on to the past.
Stop starring at the closed door...wishing for it to reopen...start opening doors or finding open doors....that hold possibilities, instead of closed doors with only memories held behind it.
You aren't getting angry because you are not allowing yourself to even get to the stage of anger...you are still in the first stage...grieving over the loss of it all...you need to get angry at her, at the situation and the way she has treated you...you have to allow it or you will never move on.
You are going to stare at that closed door for the rest of your life...what a waste of your time...you will have allowed her to destroy both of you!!
I find this interesting as I am still feeling actually three of these human emotions, Exremely Sad/Depressed Anger and sometimes Happy BUT I am always looking at that " Closed Door" or at the phone at 2 or 3 am hoping for it to ring and hear my W gentle loving caring voice - Hasn't happened yet! I am 1 and 1/2 months without her and with some "business only" texting, a couple of cell calls and two or three very short personal meetings at our home that is all the contact we have had- W by the way is at Mommies and a "safe haven" that I truely beleive is NOT helping my situation AT ALL. She will come by and get the mail or on days that I get home late from work she either sends someone over earlier in the day to get the mail. What's that all about? Anyay I feel your Sadness and frustration and I pray everyday for a closure to this pain for all involved here and actually to ANYONE that is going through this Male of Female.
Peace
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