Questions You NEED to Ask Yourself Before You DO Anything...
This is one of the reasons why I devote time at this forum...it is really for the ladies...but the men need to understand why and how their wives have fallen in to MLC. It really is a process...a tangled mess that has to be slowly untangled or a bunch of baggage that must be unpacked, looked at, some things kept...others discarded.
Please know that your MLC/MLT is really not about your M/R...what is going on in your M/R is feeding your MLC...but it is not the cause...there are deeper and more important issues that you need to deal with here. Please reassess yourself before you reassess your marriage/relationship. An MLC is more about the person who is having it than about the people who surround them...these people only feed the MLC fire.
If you need space to re-evaluate, process and consider your situation and your H is open to this idea, would he be willing to let you have the time and space you need to do this? Some women move in to another room in the house and as a couple, they live as if they are separated...I call this 'In-house separation". This is the first thing you must try before either you or your H makes a move to leave the home, if you are considering this action. Historically, from all the other cases I've dealt with or coached, as soon as one or the other of the spouses physically moves out of the home...they have increased the difficulty factor of ever getting back together. Both parties tend to redefine their relationship with pre-divorce glasses on...they can give themselves permission to live as if they are single, even though still married. At this point, you must do everything in your power to protect the M/R, even if you aren't feeling like saving anything. This is most important if you have children of any age...children, of all ages, they know that something is up, but do not understand what it is all about ...they immediately think that they are the cause...if anyone leaves they see it as a betrayal...they feel like their safety net has been pulled out from under them. Most importantly, if there is an OM involved...your children will view your moving out as the ultimate betrayal...you left not only your H for another man...but you chose the OM over your own children. If and when they learn of this...the damage is great and very difficult to repair.
Please tell me how you are feeling at this moment...about yourself:
Can you point at any triggers that may have caused you to reassess your life: a death, an illness (you or family), loss of job, upcoming birthday, empty nest, aging parents, Husband's or your retirement or always working/traveling, financial stress, a recent move, birth, miscarriage, inability to have children, becoming a Grandparent?
Do you have a sense of "fight or flight"? Are you leaning more toward "flying" instead of fighting for the life you have? Do you have a "stop the world I want to get off" feeling? Do you feel this way all day long or does this feeling rise and fall?
Do you find yourself escaping in to the Internet, drinking, drugs, partying, gambling, shopping?
Do you feel confused, foggy, frustrated, and angry?
Do you cry a lot, feel unmotivated...sad?
Are you fearful? Do you feel lost and have a sense of hopelessness?
Do you have trouble sleeping or do you want to sleep all the time?
Do you take care of yourself on a consistent basis? Have you carved out time every day to do something only for yourself?
If you have children, what are feelings toward them lately? (Be honest: are you angry with them, not wanting to spend time with them, doing just enough...compare this to the way you have treated them in the past...do you see a change?)
In your M/R:
Do you do things together just for fun?
What do your conversations consist of; Children; House; Work?
Has your feelings toward your husband changed dramatically? Why?
Can you pinpoint when changes in your relationship occurred and why? (Do not focus on the things that he has said or done that are out of his control, I am talking about events or circumstances...birth of a baby, work issues, family issues, money issues)
How would you rate your health? Good...fair...bad...Why?
How is your sex life...frequently, sometimes, rarely, never? (Sorry, this is so personal, but it is important)
Where are you at, as far as menopause is concerned? Do you have significant hormonal shifts during the month?
The answers to these questions can hold the keys too many of the things that you are struggling with right now. When you answer these questions, we will better be able to see what you need to do or at least have a starting point. Many times women in MLC are so broken that they don't have the energy, the brains or even the heart to start working on the problem. So, we start at the very bottom and slowly work our way up...Baby Steps...Baby Steps! Slowly but surely they are able to meet the day with a renewed perspective and with many safe guards in place...they have done this rebuilding with little destruction to those who are around them...this is the ideal goal...but many women join us when they have already made bad decisions or acted on decisions that ended up being very destructive to their marriage and their families...we start from there then. You can repair things, if it hasn't gone too far....the things is many women act destructively...burning bridges as they go....now this makes their situation hopeless! This is what we are here for to help you avoid!
Please go through the questions and truly consider them...write down your answers if you must....it is an exactly exercise to get focus.
I hope this has helped. I hope to hear from you soon.
Shepherdess
I am crying while reading these questions. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I am tired of taking care of everyone else. I just want someone to take care of me. Is that too much to ask?
caregiver:
Don't feel ashamed...you are among many women who get to a certain point in their life where for once in their life they would like to be the one that is taken care of instead of the one caring for everyone else. It is not too much to ask?!!!
You have come to the right place...we are here to help you work this out, if you will allow us to do so.
First, I would like you to introduce yourself...tell us your story...your age, number of years married, children. Have you had any signiicant life events occur recently: death in family, illness, empty nest, new baby, move, loss of job, new job, parents/family member needing care? Have you felt depressed? How is your health? Please do this in the Introduction thread instead of here or start your own thread on the Women's Forum, if you would prefer.
Second, realize that many women and men get consumed by their roles as wives and mothers/husbands and fathers...they allow it to eat them up and spit them out OR they work so hard at what they think they have to do in their roles that they empty their glass to the point of being bone dry and some even forget that they have a glass at all. We need to determine if you have a glass to fill...if not then we have to get that glass back and start teaching you how to fill it with those things that your other roles will not drain them away!
Remember that at this point you are most vulnerable to many things....even the things that you would have never dreamed you would ever do or think in your life. By this I mean, you are open to finding the caretaking you desire in another man, or you seek fulfilment through shopping, making changes with yourself (plastic surgery, style changes), you may change your friends...start drinking or even worse taking drugs to dull the pain. You can do one, some or all of the things I have mentioned or even others....the one that is the most insidious to your life as you know it is having the Affair with another man. NO man on this earth can fill your cup the way YOU can fill your own cup.
This is about you...not your H, your children...your family, friends...your job...it is about your perspective on your life and your ability to cope with it. It is also about reprioritizing...placing yourself first in a healthy manner so you have something to give those who need you most AND be able to be a woman of excellence, significance and grace. You can have this with the marriage, children, family and home that you now possess. Do not give up hope...no need to cry any longer...we are here to help you navigate the Yellow Brick Road safely! I have travelled it myself...made many mistakes along the way and have come out on the other side clicking my heels with gusto! Four years ago, if someone had told me this...I would have never believed them...but now I do...I am living proof that every Dorothy is capable of finding what their "Home" is and return to it!
So, let's get started...welcome caregiver...
Shepherdess
Numbers 6: 24-26
I'm so glad I understand what you're talking about now. I wouldn't have a year and a half ago.
caregiver,
I understand this completely your right it is time for you, but you do also have the responsiblities youve committed to do by having children and marriage. Sometimes we need to breath. Have you thought about a Spa weekend or get away alone for meditation. Can a family member help.
Try some time to yourself with no descions, no nothing.. a break. A complete break for a weekend but a week may be better. Just alone time to find out who you are, because you have lost that girl you were somewhere and your trying to find her. When you do, I think youll realize that being a mother, wife a caregiver, is merily a part of that girl, but not the whole package.
Many of our new women members need to read this thread or at least the first post in this thread...
If you haven't read it...please do...
if you have read it in the past...read it again...you can use this to reassess also.
Shepherdess
I am so glad that I have found this site! I now know that I am not alone in these feelings that I have been having. Thank you.
treacherousgorund
I am glad that you found us also...welcome...welcome...you are not alone!!!!
Shepherdess
i went through terrible moments,could not stand my own child.
was in love with a man who made me feel happy,alive,fun ...he did" fill my cup "in a magic way untill the moment he went off and just filled someone else 's... apparently that s what he always do.
i took me 3 yeras to recover,could not stop thinking of him,dreaming of him.I thought the pain will never end,but one day it does.
Keep reading...ask questions...tell your story...talk it out...let others who are in the same place or have gone through it respond to you...it is the best therapy. There is much hope in knowing that you are NOT the lone soldier or stuck on a boat lost at sea! I hate to tell you this but we could probably fill a cruiseline with all the women and men who are going through Crisis at Midlife. The fact that you are looking for a web site like this means that you are searching for answers...you want help...and you need to do something about how you are feeling and what you have done. You are not in denial. This is a HUGE step...a step forward out of a dark tunnel...keep coming here and letting us help you!
Be Gentle with yourself...Be Blessed!
Shepherdess
I am glad I found this site. It is a relief to know that I am not alone in my feelings of depair and lonliness. I have a wonderful husband, yet I still feel an emptiness and lonliness that longs to be filled, and I just wish it would go away. I want to live like I did when I was young again, I have the energy, my looks at still with me, and I want to enjoy myself with the little years I have left. I will be 50 next year. My children are teens and just don't want me around the same as they did when they were little. I am ready to enjoy my time. I am bored most evenings. I feel frustrated and long for more excitement in my life, and it makes me sad.
Hello, Stressed, and welcome.
Before you do anything, I strongly encourage you to go through the various threads here - in all categories - and pay special attention to anything The Shepherdess and Sea Breeze have written. The Shepherdess is the boss around these here parts, and Sea Breeze is a very wise woman herself. Both have first-hand experience with the difficult transition you're in. They can help you, if you let them.
Please keep posting. You're not alone in this.
Basil Duke
St. Louis, MO
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